Photo @rachelfuda

Originally posted at: Rachel Fuda’s Blue and White Floral Dress

We all love the luxury of the gloriously scented artisanal soap found at craft fairs, bought from tiny, delicious boutique shops and from wholefood stores – but have you ever considered making your own? With a limited number of ingredients, you can whip up a batch of uniquely designed and scented soap at a fraction of the price.

The extra bonus is, your house will smell divine as you make it, and you will feel like a wildwood witch as you measure and mix your botanical beauties.

Uniquely ‘You’

Choosing the scent, colour and inclusions as you make your soap means that you can tailor everything to your taste and personality. Scent is such an evocative thing. Smells can transport us to other times and places in a heartbeat.

The smell of lilac transports me to 50 years ago, playing in dappled sunshine under the trees in my parents’ garden. Crushed mint, and I am a young mother playing with a toddler and a fat tabby cat in sprawling flowerbeds.

It’s good to take a moment to think about the scents that make you happy, and their associations. Surrounding yourself with those smells as you bathe, wash your hands, or open a storage jar can add moments of bliss to the everyday.

Certain scents can reflect your personality and even your mood. A sharp citrus scent for a day when you need energy and focus; a musky, heady perfume for a languid evening of romance – or maybe a sugary-sweet smell for a day of fun with the grandchildren. The choices are an endless source of fun.

Essential Oils

You may already have a selection of essential oils that you use in your own health and beauty routines; these enticing bottles are certainly a guilty pleasure of mine, and I can’t resist adding to my collection. Be aware that whilst they add scent and have therapeutic qualities, using the wrong types or concentrations can be dangerous and can cause allergic reactions. Always follow usage rate guidelines for safety.

Melt and Pour Soapmaking

This is a fun activity and can be a great thing to try as a family activity. It’s not soap making per se – more soap adapting – but it is a lovely activity. You can buy many kinds of ready-made soap bases that can be melted, then add botanicals, colours and scents before pouring the mixture into moulds and leaving it to set.

This can be an easy introduction to the idea of mixing your own scents, colours and inclusions for soapmaking to see if it is something you might enjoy. You can buy a huge range of bases to suit every taste, such as goat’s milk soap base, for dryer skins, cocoa butter base for extra moisturising, honey base or crystal clear glycerin – it’s fun to put small toys inside these for those times when grandchildren pay you a visit.

Here’s the Science

Soap is created due to a chemical reaction between lye, which is sodium hydroxide and oil. Lye is highly caustic (see the safety guide below) and historically, was made from ashes. Today, it is happily easier to come by, from craft and soap making suppliers.

Lye saponifies the oil to make soap. That means it reacts with the oil molecules to create salts of fatty acids and glycerol – it doesn’t sound glamorous, but those salts of fatty acids are what we call ‘soap’.

Safety First

When you are making soap from scratch, make sure you are free from distractions – no pets and no children allowed in the room during soapmaking. Ensure your lye is stored out of the reach of pets and children, too.

Safety precautions are necessary in soapmaking because the lye we use will burn skin and can cause blindness if it is splashed in the eyes – so always wear goggles, long sleeved tops and gloves and wear a mask to avoid inhalation.

Avoid using aluminium pans, bowls or utensils as it can react with lye and be dangerous; use stainless steel instead. When you are mixing lye with water, the temperature rises rapidly and fumes are released, so make sure you are working in a well-ventilated area.

This lye water will be fatal if drunk, so make sure pets do not have access to it – it’s much better to be safe. That might make you want to run screaming from the idea of soapmaking, but it shouldn’t. We fry things in hot fat, use sharp objects and power tools – it’s just about being aware of risks and taking appropriate safety precautions.

Cold Process Soapmaking

Gather everything you need before you start, so you can enjoy the process instead of fretting about something you need but have forgotten. It seems obvious to say, but I remind myself of this every time I make soap or do any other craft that requires a number of steps because it removes any stress, and the activity can just be enjoyed.

Keep your soapmaking equipment separate from those used in food preparation. You will require a jug for measuring, a bowl for mixing, a stick blender and electronic scales. I also use a range of measuring spoons and large spoons and spatulas. Do not use aluminum bowls, pans or utensils for safety reasons. I also like to keep a roll of paper towels and an old hand towel handy for spills.

You need:

Oils

Lye

Water

Mould

Candy thermometer kept for soapmaking

A word about moulds – you can buy made-for-purpose silicone or plastic moulds which work well as they are easy release, easy clean and come in a gorgeous variety of shapes. Don’t feel you have to when you are first starting out; a clean milk carton or waxed takeout box works just as well at minimum cost.

Step 1:

Make your lye water. Quantities will vary according to your recipe – for best results, just like baking, measure and weigh things accurately. Although it may go against the grain because of what we are used to in terms of baking, in soapmaking you add dry ingredients to wet.

Always add lye to the water in the jug for mixing, not the other way round, as that can be dangerous. Mix the lye into the water thoroughly until it dissolves. Be careful; the chemical reaction will make this hot. Set it to one side to cool in a well-ventilated place that is not accessible to animals or children, and will not be easily spilled. This may take up to 30 minutes.

If you would prefer, you can buy ready mixed lye water from soapmaking suppliers.

Step 2:

Measure out your oils according to your recipe. If some of the oils are solids, melt them on a low heat in your dedicated soapmaking pan (stainless steel is best) and add the liquid oils to combine. Set aside to cool. Wait until the oils are 180°F (82°C) or less – use your thermometer to check – before moving on to the next stage for safety.

Step 3:

Ensure you are wearing your goggles and gloves – there’s a risk of splashes at this stage. Once your oils are cooler than 180°F (82°C), pour the lye water slowly into the oils and use your stick blender on a low speed to mix, keeping the blender head immersed in the mixture to avoid splashing and bubbles.

NEVER use a food processor or blender for this stage – remember how caustic the lye water is? You do not want that splashing everywhere. At first, everything is thin with globules of oil whirring round in the lye water. Then, after about a minute, just like magic, the chemical reaction occurs and the oil and lye water combine.

Continue blending to thicken the mix – you want a loose pancake batter consistency. When you can lift the blender and the soap batter that drips off leaves a trail on the top of the mixture, your soap batter is ready – exciting!

Step 4:

Add your colour, fragrance and any inclusions, and stir with a mixing spoon kept for soapmaking. Work swiftly, as your soap batter will start to harden at this stage.

Step 5:

Pour the soap into your moulds and smoothe the top with a spatula. Add any botanicals required to the surface of the soap. The soap will take several days to harden. When you unmould and cut your soap, it is worth wearing gloves to make sure your skin does not become irritated by any remaining lye. You can cut larger blocks of soap made in a milk or takeout carton into bars once it has hardened.

Step 6:

All that is left to do is to set your soap aside to cure. ‘Curing’ just means allowing water to evaporate so the soap hardens off. Soap needs an airy place out of direct sunlight in order to cure. Place bars of soap on greaseproof paper as they cure to avoid any staining of surfaces.

As the soap cures, the saponification process we described earlier completes and all of the lye and oils are combined. The longer the soap cures, the more water evaporates and hardens. This step can take several weeks (4-6) and varies from recipe to recipe. A soap gets milder as it cures, and makes better lather.

Once your soap is cured, store your bars in open boxes or baskets (pretty and practical for air flow) or wrap the bars in greaseproof paper.

Soapmaking is so satisfying and enjoyable; it’s a great way to make holiday gifts too. If you make soap, we’d love to hear about your experiences and see your photos, so please share them here in the comments and on our Facebook page.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Have you tried soapmaking? What scents and botanicals did you choose? Would you like to see more ideas for homecrafted bath goodies like bath bombs?

My relationship with music is one of the most important in my life. It’s been consistent over my six-plus decades. Over those years, I have learned a lot about being in the wrong relationships – romantic, professional, family, and friendship. Music has been my rock-solid go-to in understanding what life throws at me. And somehow it has always been the right relationship.

Although raised in the northeast USA, I always loved southern rock. Therefore, it was a hop, skip, and a jump to country music. Country music turns a lot of people off. And yet, once I got it, it became something I craved.

One of my fondest travel memories is in Aarhus, Denmark. A great city with the world-famous rainbow top museum (The ARoS Aarhus Kunstmuseum). When we visited, there was a free concert in the adjacent building lobby with chairs and nibbles and wine. As travelers, my daughter and I said we can rest here.

Country Is All Around the World

Well, when the musicians came on and started playing bluegrass, the place lit up. So did we. If you stop reading now you will miss out on some great music that can be found everywhere. And I am not alone.

Ben Vaughn, American singer, songwriter, musician, record producer, composer for television and film, and a syndicated radio show host, reports this on his blog:

“When most people think of country music, they think of the United States. However, country music is actually quite popular all over the world. In fact, it is one of the most popular genres of music in many countries.”

From songs every grandparent should know to my now favorite genre, country. Many people get turned off when they hear country music. They forget that pop favorite Taylor Swift (who shares my birthday) started as a country artist and has written some of the most popular Country songs today, such as Better Man for Little Big Town.

Born and bred on Carly Simon, Janis Joplin, and Stevie Nicks, I need to feel my music. Those women sang songs with a raw truth that applied to me. They made me feel complex emotions and parts of myself I feared. Times change, I change, but deep down, those hurts, those resentments resurface. And, luckily, there is a new crop of women to sing my blues, strum my pain with their voices, and touch my soul, my truth.

Country music is all about telling a story and these women’s words magnetically relate to me. Each one of these women’s words sticks with me and makes me know I’m not alone.

What is better than 12 of a kind? The extra one for lucky 13! And here it is, my Bakers’ Dozen List of Women Who Sing My Blues: I hope you listen.

Brandi Carlile

Taking some bragging rights here for knowing Brandi early in her career. Many got to know Brandi when she channeled Joan Baez, a brilliant move on her part, but I have been listening to her since she was a Starbucks download in 2007 with the song “Turpentine,” still one of my favorites. And her newest album, The Story, is one I relate to.

I saw Brandi live on April 28, 2016, at 4 pm on the Gentilly Stage at the New Orleans Jazz Festival. I have the video and pics! There is a backstory to me showing up to that performance. It didn’t come easy. My friend did not want to go, and I had to stand up for myself and honor what I wanted; a lesson Brandi sings about in her music.

Pre-wearing tailored pantsuits, Brandi was wearing a poncho and a headband, singing with her two best friends – the boys in her band.

From “Mama Werewolf,” “…if my good intentions go running wild. If I cause you pain my own sweet child…” All of her songs reveal more and more to me as I find new meaning in old words and rhythms that make me sway. Her words stay with me.

Miranda Lambert

I am so enamored with this young singer, that when recently asked on a podcast, “Who would you like to meet if you could?” I immediately responded, “Miranda Lambert.” The podcast host was quite surprised.

I struggle to understand my relationship with my mother. I hold onto my bad feelings with ex-boyfriends and, in general, feel my personal situations are complicated and trapping. With grace, humor, clever wordplay, upbeat tempos and extreme wit, Miranda Lambert untangles what gets me tangled up. I never get tired of songs like “I’m a Keeper” and “Mama’s Broken Heart.”

Lilly Rose

With her debut single, “Villain,” Lilly burst onto the country music scene with a song that’s both haunting and powerful. Her voice is both delicate and fierce and that makes her one to watch.

Ashley McBryde

I started writing this blog before Ashley won the ACA, that’s a story for another blog on procrastination or as I am learning sometimes, maturing like a fine wine or taking my time. The point is, if you think she is good now, check out her early stuff.

In an earlier Sixty and Me blog I talk about one of my all-time favorite songs, not just by her, but by anyone, “A Little Dive Bar in Dahlonega.”

The line that always makes me feel better: “Making the best of the worst day kinda night.”

Kacey Musgraves

This 34-year-old has got wisdom beyond her years and humor to match it. In one of my favorite songs, “Mary Go ‘Round,” already a play on childhood notions of the merry-go-round, there are so many signature lines that capsulize the truths we live with and don’t want to admit. It’s summed up in the iconic line, “Same hurt in every heart; same trailer different park, on this broken Mary-go-round.” Genius. Must listen.

Priscilla Block

I listen to the Highway on Siri’s Radio – I live remotely, and it is hard to get a signal. Priscilla was a Highway find with her single “Just About Over You” which went viral on TikTok. She’s a Massachusetts native, my adopted state. She dives deep into her feelings, and the more she does, the more powerful she becomes. I want me more of that.

Carly Pearce

I love a good double entendre, a fun play on words, and Carly nails it in every song. It’s hard to pick a favorite between her ability to show both frustration and heartache and her wanting to learn from each relationship. “What he didn’t do,” “Next Girl” and “Hide the Wine.”

Morgan Wade

Not to be confused with the male singer Morgan Wallen, a male who is also popular. Just listen to Morgan Wade’s words, and you will be hooked. Along the lines of Carly Simon, “Strumming my pain with your fingers, singing my words with your song.”

Morgan’s song “Wilder Days” with its classic words shows love, regret, and hypocrisy: “You say you hate the smell of cigarette smoke, you only smoke when you drink,” reminds me that everyone comes with a past and people say one thing and do another.

Kelsea Ballerini

Her name is so cute, I wanted to hate her, but that is an impossible task. At the tender age of 29, her blending of country sounds with modern life is profound. Kelsea has a roster of key songs, “Homecoming Queen,” “Half of My Home Town” and “Hole in the Bottle,” where she jokes that it’s a broken bottle, it just keeps disappearing. “Love Me Like You Mean It” is a classic country with modern themes and foul language; what’s not to love?

Avery Anna

The first time I heard her song, “Narcissist,” I just kept listening to it on repeat. I find these words uber healing and her deep voice and soulful lyrics sustain me through a wide range of emotions.

“And I know you’ll get over me
But can you get over yourself?
Before you go and love somebody else
You should probably get some help.”

Lainey Wilson

Let’s start with “Things a Man Ought to Know.” That title says it all; the lyrics live up to the promise. Ram Trucks has her all over their commercials with “Heart like a Truck.” In the same year, she dropped “Smell Like Smoke” about her fierce independence, upbringing, and life lessons.

 “If I smell like smoke, it’s probably cause I have been through hell.”

Need I say more?

Elle King

Likely, you have already listened to her song “Ex’s & Ohs.” Elle is that kind of artist, you feel like you know her. And, of course, when she teamed up with my other fav, Miranda Lambert, in “Drunk (And I Don’t Wanna Go Home), I didn’t want to stop listening. Add her song “Lucky” to your playlist, and it will be a natural hop, skip, and a jump to dancing to more of her music.

Maren Morris

The Baker’s Dozen bonus. Any list of young women telling my story in Country song format would not be complete without the foundational song by Maren Morris, “My Church.” It is a go-to for all road trips, short trips, and getting out of your own head.

What’s Next

Start listening, whether you are looking for a good cry or a battle cry, I promise these women do not disappoint. Get ready for the wildest ride of all, feeling those feelings and swaying your body to the music. Enjoy a fabulous by-product: your younger acquaintances, kids, and grandkids will be impressed!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Are you a country music fan? Who are your favorite artists? Which songs are closest to your heart? Do you have a song that sings your blues? If you’re not into country music – why not? Would you consider listening to the above recommendations?

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Photo @rachelfuda

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Originally posted at: Margaret Josephs’ Multi Color Knit Top and Skirt Set

To divide a 401(k) plan or pension in divorce, a court order is required. In the private sector, this document is called a Qualified Domestic Relations Order, or “QDRO,” and I will use that term generically in this article. However, federal plans require a “Court Order Acceptable for Processing” and military retirement pay requires a “Military Pension Division Order.” Getting the name right is only the start.

Understanding the differences in these plans and getting the division language right (or wrong) can mean thousands of dollars in favor of one party or the other.

Get the Settlement Agreement Terms Right First

The biggest error made when there needs to be a QDRO is not getting the plan documents and understanding the terms of the plan with regard to survivor benefits, COLAs, early retirement and also improperly valuing the marital portion of the benefit or the portion of the benefit earned prior to marriage (which is not divisible in divorce).

These errors have less to do with the physical preparation of the QDRO than they have to do with correctly and thoroughly writing up the terms of the retirement plan division in the settlement agreement, so they can then be written up in the QDRO. A QDRO preparer cannot write in terms after the fact that were not specified in the settlement agreement.

Preparation of the QDRO

Once the division of retirement benefits is settled in the divorce process, the settlement agreement is generally sent to a QDRO preparer. There are QDRO preparation companies who specialize in preparing these documents, and an advantage of using them is their low cost. Generally, they will charge around $500.

A disadvantage of using them is that sometimes the terms of the division are more complex than their forms allow. Some attorneys will prepare QDROs for their clients, but their fees can be high, sometimes up to several thousand dollars. Many plan administrators provide an online form that can be used.

The document generated will have a tracking number letting the plan administrator know that the QDRO was generated using their form. It is important to find out during divorce settlement negotiations whether the plan administrator provides a form that they either require to be used or they offer for use. Using the form in most cases makes the process simple and less expensive and can help avoid errors.

Plan administrators can charge a substantial fee to review a QDRO when the document is not created using their form (or if they don’t provide a form) or when there are changes to their form (other than filling in the blanks or checking the boxes).

Some plan administrators charge for reviewing a QDRO even if their form is used, so that needs to be researched during settlement negotiations as well. As an example, I have had clients in the past whose employer 401(k) plan was administered by Fidelity Investments.

Fidelity has created the Fidelity QDRO Center website which provides model QDROs for its clients’ 401(k) type plans. At the time I worked with these clients, for one 401(k) plan, Fidelity was charging from $300 to $1800 to review a QDRO, depending on whether their form was used.

QDRO Approval Process

After the QDRO is prepared, usually it is sent to the plan administrator for pre-approval before it is submitted to the Family Law Court Judge. They check to see that the terms don’t conflict with plan documents, and that the language is clear.

Some plan administrators, like the government’s Office of Personnel Management, will not review a QDRO that isn’t already signed by a judge. If the QDRO is not right, the QDRO must be corrected and re-submitted to the judge. As you can imagine, that gets expensive, so it’s important to get the QDRO and settlement terms prepared by someone who knows what they are doing.

If the plan administrator will review and pre-approve QDROs, once that is done, the QDRO is submitted to the judge for entry. In most cases, the judge will approve the QDRO.

You have probably gathered by now that splitting employer retirement benefits adds cost, sometimes substantial cost, to the already high cost of divorce. It’s important to discuss these additional costs in settlement negotiations and set out in the settlement agreement:

1. who will be responsible for preparing the order,
2. who will pay for the preparation of the order and the review by the plan administrator, and
3. who will be responsible for submitting the order to the court and finally, again, to the plan administrator.

Payouts Pursuant to the QDRO

Once your divorce is final, it’s time to submit the QDRO to the plan administrator. Once the plan administrator receives the QDRO that has been signed by the judge and they give it the final rubber stamp of approval, the plan administrator can then distribute the plan funds to the non-plan participant spouse.

Generally, with pensions, how it will be paid out is spelled out in the QDRO. With a 401(k) plan, the non-plan participant spouse can choose to take their portion of the account balance either in cash, or as a rollover to an IRA or another 401(k) plan, or a combination of the two.

As you have read, dividing retirement plan benefits is complex. It involves many steps, it requires an understanding of retirement plan language and rules, and it requires financial expertise, time and attention during the settlement process.

That is where the expertise of a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst comes in. Involving a CDFA during both the settlement negotiations and the QDRO preparation process can help ensure the intent of the settlement is carried out in the documents.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Are you looking toward a gray divorce? Have you thought about how retirement benefits will be split? What questions might you have about QDRO’s?