Originally posted at: Vicki Gunvalson’s Bronze Ruched Confessional Dress

Originally posted at: Emily Simpson’s Black Faded Denim Jacket

Originally posted at: Tamra Judge’s Blue Printed Ruffle Dress

I reached my 60^th birthday having lost quite a bit of emotional and psychological baggage yet finding myself still struggling with some nagging neurosis. Do they prevent me from working? No. Do they occupy more than I want of my waking hours? Yes, at times. Have they prevented me from fulfilling my potential? Maybe. Have they helped me fulfil my potential? Sometimes.

I’m not referring to mental health issues that are in the psychosis family, like washing your hand 100 times a day, or are life threatening. I am referring to those annoying attributes that show up at my life water cooler. The ones that surprise me when I am least expecting them.

I don’t want to spend my next millennium, or 20 years, in therapy. I’m over myself. I would like to just be and Get Out OF MY OWN WAY.

Getting Out of My Own Way Takes Work

My therapist has helped me transcend serious abuse, PTSD from post conflict zones, OCD, all of which resulted in addictive behaviors like too much wine, weed, control issues and over exercising. I thought I was high functioning until she put me on a detox regime from these behaviors.

Without any coping mechanisms, I hadflashbacks that felt 24/7 and nightmares all night long; I was ready for the fifth floor – or wherever they take you when you have a nervous breakdown. I called Dr. C, a psychiatrist.

“You’re not going crazy, though it feels like it based on your serious history of traumatic events. Without your usual numbing and detachment mechanisms you’re feeling them and processing them.” Dr. C added that he was intrigued I was using the Bhagavad Gita as a roadmap to my sanity as he rolled his eyes and prescribed Cymbalata.

After many months, I was reborn into a different person san addiction. Perhaps closer to the soul I came into this world with.

I began to find a healthy stride and confidence remembering my best 12-year-old self. Confident, self-possessed… a tom boy who fished for hours in the evening on the Peconic Bay, climbed trees and studied marine biology because I wanted to go to Woods Hole Institute and dive deep deep into the ocean.

I could spend an entire day on a fishing trawler hauling nets off Montauk Point. My 12-year-old self lived without criticism and in the moment with engagement and often joy. A series of very unfortunate events changed that, but I got serious about therapy and mentally, emotionally and physically detoxed.

So, at 57, I bought the best horse of my life, started playing polo, exercised for fitness not obsession and relaxed my eating habits. I cut toxic people, boyfriends, rested, mediated, and stopped going all day on a chocolate donut. I was living a life of peace, little anxiety and contentment.

Not Namaste

Then, a college student, texting and driving, slammed into me from behind, sending me into a concrete pillar and accordioning my car and head. I didn’t see it coming. The accident scrambled my brain AND WORSE, the faith I had regained in the universe was shattered. This was concussion number five.

Now, my brain just shuts down randomly, not remembering words, people, or what I did two hours ago. I have to adjust so that I don’t get overstimulated. Too much noise, loud restaurants, a lot of physical exercise, new situations, and backing out of a parking spot at Walmart can tax my brain to tilt. Then I have to sit in the quiet and cool place for an hour or two with no stimulation.

Slowly, I found my footing, again, after two years of being depressed, pissed off and discombobulated. But I yelled at my therapist last week because she brought up a core issue regarding selling my farm. She knows – and I know – that I am always couching existential aloneness. I’ve filled this void with nature and animals since I was five years old, and it’s been my sanctuary for 55 years. It’s all I have left.

“How much navel gazing do I need?! All this therapy is not a good thing!” My mood darkened after our session. I slept poorly and woke cradling my mother’s old sweater.

Like many things, this unwanted navel gazing provided me with space to question. What is it I want? And was I pursing polo, publishing, dating apps out of joy or trauma? Am I crippling, protecting, or freeing myself?

Damn it.

Trauma Needs Support

Trauma results when we go through trauma alone. When we have support we get strong.

Because I do not like to appear weak, I rarely tell anyone what’s going on in my life, but I do tell my therapist, who is like the divine mother. She is understanding but will, on occasion, tell me to buck up. Still, she’s always right, and it forces me to take a hard look at myself.

Because I have periods of self-reflection between our discussions, she facilitates my self-awareness and, ultimately, my strength. Two days after my rant, I had a realization and another chink in my craziness abated. I sold the goats and called a real estate agent, more relieved than sad.

My ultimate goal is to try and leave this mortal coil with the smallest luggage. It hurt to face my core pain, but it is only in facing it that I released it… releasing it… release it.

Go in peace, and be easy on yourself, please.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Are you in your own way? Have you tried changing direction? What luggage are you carrying that you probably need to get rid of?

I was emailing one of my subscribers a few weeks ago, and she made a comment that really stuck with me. It was down the lines of, “dealing with some of the major life issues that we do at this stage can be tough while we’re also trying to get a hold of some of the subtle changes that we are dealing with at the same time!”

It rang so true for me – enough so that I decided to follow it up with this article and a future blog post, as well!

I’d love to hear from you in the comments regarding some of the “subtle” changes that you are experiencing at this stage of the game. I know they will be different for everyone, depending on their own life circumstances.

Major Versus Subtle Changes

Knowing that we all come to the table with varied perspectives, I wanted to give examples of situations in my own life that I see as major, before I start to talk about some of the more subtle changes. What I view as major are things like helping to care for senior parents, having two grandchildren diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, and building a beach home. The changes or stressors can be positive as well as negative – they all add stress to the mix, regardless.

What about the more subtle changes that I am trying to wrap myself around and manage on a daily or weekly basis at this point? Here are just a few examples:

Arthritis and My Constantly Aching Back

This affects nearly everything I do and how my day is laid out. I take my daily walk when my back feels okay. I am active with my grandchildren until I need to sit down for a bit and rest my back. It is not something that keeps me from doing what I want to, but it is a factor in my day.

My Inability to Operate Without Reading Glasses

When did this happen??? I went from needing them here and there to needing them to read a menu, and now, as one of my friends said, “When did I start needing them to SEE MY FOOD??” I cannot be without them.

My Thoughts Are Different Now

I frequently find myself thinking about my age, the fact that I’m in my final chapter, and the hope that it’s a longer rather than a shorter chapter! I consider death, at times, and although I’m not ready to go yet, I feel good about where I am, where my people are, and what I’ve accomplished. I have a hard time wrapping myself around these thoughts though, because, at times, I still feel like I’m in my 30s.

Ways to Manage Your Subtle Changes

Really Practice Being Present

The practice of being fully present in what I’m doing, has changed my life more than any other. I found that I would often be in the middle of joyful moments and activities worrying about what I had to do later or tomorrow or having anxiety about something completely unrelated. This stole the joy from me of that moment! And I was doing it constantly.

I made the decision to be fully present in every moment that I could as I moved forward. To go outside first thing in the morning and take a deep breath of the morning air without a worried thought. To engage fully in a conversation with my grandchildren without worrying about what we would be eating for dinner later and when I would have time to get it started. To laugh with my husband without feeling sad because he was having to go back to work the next day.

This practice is real work for me. But I have no words to describe the value in it. The increased joy that I have in my life on a daily basis.

Embracing a Growth Versus a Fixed Mindset

I’ve noticed that in several groups I’m in for women over 50, there is a tendency to focus on negative situations. To be stuck in them. To wake up and define your life based on that situation.

There is no question that many are dealing with really tough situations each day. But, there are also those who seem to be choosing to spend a large part of their day focused on what cannot be done versus what can be done. Those with a fixed mindset decide that these subtle changes or limitations will stop them from doing what they want to. Those who embrace a growth mindset find activities and positive things that they can do in spite of those subtle changes.

Hang Out with People Who Are Younger Than You Are

Whether it’s your children, your grandchildren, or younger friends and co-workers, being around younger people helps us to take in and consider a younger person’s perspective as well as expose us to the overall increased energy that a younger person brings to the table. And, we aren’t engaged in constant conversation about our aches and pains and the subtle and not so subtle changes that we are dealing with in life at this stage of the game. I always feel younger when I am with people who are younger than I am.

No matter which phase of life we are in, there are changes that we experience along the way. We’ve got this!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What subtle changes are you needing to wrap yourself around at this stage? What are some ways that you might be able to do that that would work in your daily life and routine?