During my 25+ years helping singles, divorcees and widows with dating, I’ve identified several traits that your date will definitely find unattractive. Are you aware of these potential habits you may be presenting? For most people, the answer is no. Maybe this quick guide will help and give you a good, long think.

Of course, no one is perfect, nor should you strive to be. You should be you. But maybe you can do away with a couple bad habits that are a turn-off to others. We are always looking for self-improvement, and if you are wondering why first dates are not turning into second dates, please read on.

Acting as If You Know Everything

No one likes Mr./Ms. Google. There is no chance you know everything, and that is where curiosity is a lovely trait.

The other day I was in conversation with a client on a Zoom call. She mentioned something I’d never heard before – and I asked her, point blank, what it was. French food being my favorite cuisine, she totally stumped me on this one.

Why pretend to be a know-it-all? Vulnerability and genuine curiosity are assets. Plus, like me, you may learn something new and interesting!

Keeping a Bad Posture

I notice this constantly. So does your date. It shows a lack of self-care and confidence. I am personally aware of this one as I was taller than all boys and girls in my 8th grade class and always slumped to appear shorter. Thank goodness my mom had the foresight to take me to a good chiropractor at a young age and correct my posture.

Nowadays, our technology driven lifestyle is the usual culprit of a slumped posture, so make sure you keep your shoulders back, stand tall, and watch that neck. Exude confidence with your body language.

Always Interrupting

We all know someone like this, who always wants to state their point. Could it be you? Instead of active listening and being in the present, are you thinking about what you want to say next? Let the other person finish, take a breath, then say what was on your mind.

Talking Only About Yourself on a First Date

As a dating counselor, I wish I had a dollar for every time someone told me this after a date. Aren’t you interested in knowing something about the person you’re meeting? You don’t want to share everything about yourself and not learn anything about the person in front of you, do you?

If you’re on the other end of the rope, I have a simple solution. Since they rarely give you a chance to speak, wait until the end of their sentence and say, “Wow, I feel like I know so much about you now. What would you like to know about me? Fire away with the questions. This usually stops them in their tracks and quite often a one-sided conversation suddenly becomes much more of an even dialogue.

Not Maintaining Eye Contact

A huge part of dating is body language. I’m not talking about a stare down, just looking at the person while they talk. Not fidgeting and looking around the room, not reaching for your phone, not looking down at your food the entire time. Eye contact is the first means of connection.

Showing Arrogance

I don’t know a single client who reports back to me, saying, “Wow, was he/she arrogant and it was a turn on.” You know what arrogance is? It’s someone who behaves in a proud, unpleasant way toward other people because they believe they are more important than others. In reality, arrogance is an insecurity.

Being Rude

Perhaps rudeness is related to arrogance. Being 15 minutes late. Being demanding of the wait staff. Making negative comments about online dating. (Hey, you’re both on it, right?). Being dismissive about the other’s career, likes, hobbies, music.

That Phone

When you go on a date, put your phone away. Or, at the very least, turn off the ringer/vibration and place it face down on the table. If an important call is coming in, tell your date upfront, and that’s the only reason you have your phone out.

Perhaps it’s making sure your son got picked up from soccer practice. Or you are a doctor waiting for news on a patient that cannot wait an hour. But let them know upfront why your phone is on. It’s just politeness and showing them that their time is valuable.

Lack of Empathy

This means inability to understand others. Impatience. Excessive criticism. Poor listening skills. Self-centeredness. Joking about someone’s emotions or circumstances. To me, this is a huge red flag that needs a therapist.

Speaking Loudly

Maybe no one has ever taught you to use your “inside voice.” I’ve actually seen this when I’ve been out to lunch/dinner and the adjacent tables are parties to the conversation at that one table. It’s embarrassing to your date and inappropriate. If your friends have told you that you are a loud talker, I’d think hard about this and practice downing the decibels.

Ok, maybe you’ve read through this list and see yourself in one, two, maybe three of them. Just be aware.

Oh, as a dating coach, let me mention one more thing that drives me crazy and is ineffectual. Stop texting/messaging a potential date 3-5 times in a row before they’ve even answered one. They will think you are crazy or desperate! Be patient, wait for their response, then send a message back no longer than 2-3 sentences and ask them a question.

Lastly, here’s a stat that may take you aback! An ongoing Stanford study on dating tells us this: From the time you reach out with a message online, to the time of your first date, no more than 5 days should pass or statistically there’s a 75% chance the date will never occur. Pretty enlightening, huh? Why? Online dating moves fast; you need to as well.

Never give up. It only takes one. We all need a little encouragement and someone to show us the way and make online dating more efficient and effective. And fun. Yes, I said fun. Remember, when you started golf, you had help. Pickleball – you took a class or two. No pro tennis player did it on her own.

Happy dating!

Read 10 THINGS TO WATCH OUT FOR WHEN DATING SOMEONE NEW.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Which turn-off do you need to work on? How will you do it? Have friends ever pointed any of these out to you?

Originally posted at: Sai De Silva’s Black and Red Printed Dress

Here’s a question. Say you are one of a couple, or just yourself if unattached, and you expect to work for maybe 10 more years, and then retire. If someone asked you to describe in a few sentences what you expected life to be like about 15 years from now, or 5 years after retirement, what would you say?

My answer to this question then would probably have been, “It’s not something I want to think about right now. I’ve done all I can, but likely I’ll be working ‘til I drop. Now, let’s talk about something else”! I certainly wouldn’t have said, “Oh, we’ll be retired to Portugal and loving it”! No signs appeared in the crystal ball, or the stars, about that.

Surprises!

And here’s a truth. Most of the things we sacrifice our precious, limited, time worrying about don’t happen. Some unfortunately do. That’s the nature of chance, of life itself, and we hope these things pass us by. Other times fantastic things happen that we would never have predicted! Such as being blissfully retired with my lovely lady in Portugal.

Others Too

And we have now met so many people here from different countries who made the decision later in life and have done the same thing. I guess the lesson is the further out we look, the harder it is to predict how the future may unfold.

Of course, that doesn’t mean it makes sense to just ignore the future. We need to engage on the basis that life will evolve in a normal way. We need to do reasonable things that stack the odds in our favour. And be ready and willing to grasp opportunities that appear along the way. That’s the way I was looking at it when the possibility of retiring to Portugal emerged some years before it came about.

It’s been a real thrill it turned out this way. Here are a few reflections on it all.

Here, There, Or Where?

Ireland, my native country, and Portugal are both EU members. Thus, there were no visa requirements or entry restrictions for periods up to 90 days, or for 5 years with appropriate residence documents. As I was working shorter term contracts at the time, I enjoyed several exploratory trips. This was a great opportunity to see what Portugal was like and seek out areas that might be attractive for the longer term.

We focused on northern Portugal, mainly to avoid areas of heavy tourism and high prices. We preferred the north – being quieter, more authentic Portuguese. I stayed at Airbnb’s for weeks at a time, mostly near the coast. It didn’t take long to feel comfortable in the relaxed, unpretentious charm of the place and the people.

What Makes Quality Of Life

I noticed things like general safety, relaxed lifestyle, respectful courteous easy-going people. Pleasures like good healthy food at fantastic prices, wonderful traditional cuisine, very pleasant climate, fabulous outdoor environment, quiet beaches, and a great coffee culture. Even small out-of-the-way cafes serve fantastic coffee, and a delicious traditional custard cream pastry called ‘pastel de nata’.

From there it’s easy to see why we decided northern Portugal! We organised all the important things over the next few months and were so excited to move and get settled in.

The Challenge Of Change

Moving to a different country is an upheaval, of course. It can challenge one’s inner sense of equilibrium and security. The usual; family, friends, familiar surroundings, etc. They give us anchor points in our lives, a sense of belonging and security. But I’d been through it three previous times in my life – this would be the fourth. It’s not the impossible mountain it might seem. And it gets easier with practice.

There were many practical details to setting up in Portugal. Here’s an outline of the main ones.

Accumulated ‘Stuff’

It’s natural to accumulate ‘stuff’ over time. So, we just got rid of what was unnecessary or cost more to ship than replace with new later. Little-used clothing, books, tools, miscellaneous hiking gear, furniture, etc. Not worth it and takes too long to try to sell. Lots went to charity shops and give-aways to family and friends.

It felt good to prune our attachments, shed superfluous ‘stuff’ and travel lighter. The slimmer inventory gave us mobility and flexibility. And yes, there will always be something we wish we hadn’t got rid of or could have brought with us – Murphy’s Law! But they would normally be ‘nice-to-haves’, not ‘must-haves’.

The Nitty Gritty

Of course, there are formalities and some bureaucracy around settling in a new country, EU colleagues or not. Bank accounts, Certificate of Residency for long-term stays, suitable accommodation, drivers permit, tax matters, public health system enrolment, etc. Sure, it can be a little baffling and tedious, but we got there. Many times it took more than one attempt to fathom bureaucratic requirements. But the public service officers had a job to do, and patience, politeness and persistence won the day!

Brings us to the Portuguese language, to at least a simple conversational level. Needed for day-to-day activity, and to make headway in being part of the community. Plenty online resources, free and premium, are available for just about any language we want. I used those quite a bit. The local authority also provided a full 1-year classroom-based Portuguese program free of charge to help foreigners assimilate the language. Great networking opportunity too.

Links, Old And New

Modern air travel and the Internet are great for maintaining existing links with family and friends. And we need to invest time and effort in building our new social networks too. There are online and in-the-flesh ex-pat organisations in the major cities. Also, walking and biking groups, and just opportune contact with locals in the supermarkets, cafes, restaurants, etc. We try to make the most of these.

The Perfect Pad

The original plan was to rent an apartment for a year and take the opportunity to look around before deciding on a longer-term location. We were extremely lucky and found a fabulous apartment to rent for the year, in a coastal location we loved. We built an excellent relationship with the apartment owner. It turned out careful, reliable, long-term tenants were what she was most interested in. Perfect. We love the apartment and area so much we decided to stay put!

On the point of accommodation type, we had owned several houses up to then. In terms of the lifestyle we prefer now, a well-situated and adequately sized apartment has proved a better option. It is comfortable, less maintenance and upkeep, and we can simply lock the door and disappear for weeks if we wish.

On The Road Again…

The last major thing we did was get a suitable car. Some bureaucracy again in terms of an initial temporary driving permit, and then swapping for a Portuguese driving licence. Well worth the effort though, as the outdoors in Portugal is fabulous, and we can now explore far and wide at our leisure.

Looking Back

There’s a lot to think about in retiring to a new country. In the case of Portugal for example, that might be language, re-establishing social networks, finding suitable accommodation, private transport, etc. And dealing with necessary formalities. The highlights would certainly be safety, superb quality of life, great cost of living, beautiful outdoors, amongst lots others.

It may be a big mental leap for most people. We’ve met so many who have done it, and nobody we’re aware of has voiced regret.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

If retirement is on the horizon for you, what thoughts and considerations are foremost in your mind? Or if you are already retired, what advice would you offer someone thinking about it?

Originally posted at: Jessel Taank’s Black Fringe Sweater

Click Here for Additional Stock / Click Here for More Stock / Click Here for Even More Stock / Click Here for Additional Stock

Originally posted at: Marlo Hampton’s Red Robe