One of the benefits my coaching clients get when working with me is that I’m walking the walk and talking the talk right along with them. I’m single, over 60, and looking for love. Because of this, I thought it could be helpful for you to go on a first date with me to see how I handled some of the unexpected things that can come up and learn the thinking behind my decisions.

There are so many little things that come up on a first date that factor into the question of “Do I like him or not?” Those are the things that can cause anxiety because you don’t know how to handle them. I hope this gives a little more insight.

Until I find my someone special, I try to keep three men in a dating rotation. I meet 99% of the men I date online. And in most cases, I talk with them on the phone first. I don’t date every man I talk to. If I don’t feel as if we’ll at least have an interesting conversation, I pass.

Dismantling My Date with Bill

Bill (not his real name) was a couple of years younger than me and not Brad Pitt, but attractive. When we chatted on the phone, the conversation was good, and we had some fun things in common. There was enough chemistry that I agreed to meet for coffee. I like coffee dates because they are simple and help avoid any anxiety about who pays. I like a man to woo me and pay on the first date. Coffee dates make that easy. 

This time my coffee date turned into dinner instead, but it was still simple. I asked Bill to pick the location, again because I enjoy masculine energy. He selected a restaurant that was nice for a casual dinner and not upscale or too pricey for my comfort level.

Bill Was Pleasant at Dinner

We laughed and had a great conversation. He was polite, respectful, funny, and friendly to the waitstaff. Even though he told dad jokes, they were cute until their humor began to fade as the evening wore on. I think he may have been nervous, so I allowed for that.

Because I’m a dating coach and a certified hypnotherapist, I like to talk about my job in person rather than over the phone. I like to see my date’s reaction to help me gauge his level of self-confidence. Men who lack confidence tend to be intimidated by what I do for a living, and I like to know that before things go too far.

I keep date number one easy-breezy. This is the time to simply determine if I like his company enough to want to get to know him even more. Bill was fine with my job and thought it was interesting.

As the evening progressed, I discovered that the reason we met for dinner was that he had a coupon for the restaurant. Hmmmm, I’m not opposed to saving money, but a girl does like to feel like she’s worth full price. If it were me, I probably wouldn’t have said anything about the coupon and thought that was a little tacky.

There was innocent flirting during dinner. He touched my back to guide me to and from our seat, which I liked. And as we walked out of the restaurant, he grabbed my hand which was nice.

Then He Asked Me If I Wanted to See Him Again

I’m a big believer in the 3-Date Rule. If my date is nice, fun, and respectful on our first date, even if I don’t feel any crackling chemistry, I will give it two more dates to develop. If, after three dates I still don’t feel any chemistry, there probably never will be any and that’s when I move on.

When I said, “Yes, I’d like to see you,” things got weird. This is when he felt the need to double check my decision by badgering me with, “Really, you really want to see me again, you’ll really see me again, you’ll actually see me again.” Finally, I said, “If you keep asking me that, I’ll probably say ‘No’.”

I was teasing, somewhat, but his response caught my breath. He told me to “Shut up.” I believe his comment was simply a knee-jerk reaction, but it still immediately made me wonder what an argument with him would sound like.

He walked me to my car, which was nice, and wanted to kiss me. Frankly, when I was newly divorced, I probably would have kissed him, even without feeling any chemistry. Today things are different because I’ve already sowed all my wild oats. My flings are over, and now I’m looking for someone real.

I Know What I’m Looking for in a Man

Today I’m looking for a high-quality man who is interested in a true log-term relationship, not a guy to go on a casual date. There’s a difference between the two. Because I’m looking for a high-quality man, I need to be a high-value woman as well.

He asked me to text him when I got home, which I felt was thoughtful. And that was that. Bill was a great casual date, but nothing more. This is why clarity is so important. You really want to know what you’re looking for when you start dating. You may date less, but you exchange quantity for quality.

This is also why it’s so important to keep your options open. If I had pinned all my hopes on Bill, I could be second guessing myself, be tempted to settle, or be waiting with bated breath for his call. I’m not doing any of that.

Instead, my focus is on the men who I am dating a second or third time, and any new men that I add to my dating rotation. I focus on the positive and let the negative roll off my shoulders. I probably won’t remember Bill’s real name by tomorrow! And that’s perfectly okay. I was polite, kind, witty, and charming on our date, and he got his money’s worth.

If you want to date with more clarity and confidence, join the waitlist for my upcoming FREE elite masterclass, How to Find Love over 50 Without Ignoring Your Inner Self. We’ll be exploring the three dating mistakes all women over 50 make, the four ingredients you need to find love, and my inside/out – outside/in coaching system in dating coaching program.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What expectations do you have on a first date with someone new? Where do you draw the boundary when it comes to a first date? How would you respond if a date told you to “Shut up”?

Unfortunately, men and women rarely ask themselves two essential divorce questions as they begin the process or while negotiating the final settlement.

These are:

1. Will the settlement allow me and my family to be financially secure now and in the future? And,
2. How much financial and emotional currency am I willing to spend?

Throughout the divorce process, you will be presented with many paths down which you may go to find a solution and reach a settlement. However, what may make the most difference for your long-term financial and personal wellness is not necessarily the final solution, but how you arrive at it.

Navigating Challenging Transitions

There are many reasons for a divorce, but in recent years the divorce rate among retiring couples has increased! The transition from working to retirement can be one of the most emotional events in our lives.

For many, the loss of their identity as “who they were” is one issue they struggle to resolve. Another one is not having a clear understanding of how to manage assets in retirement. That is, how to actually begin withdrawing from accounts they have spent their whole life building. It can be very daunting.

In addition, I have found that executives or others in management can have difficulty as they no longer have people to “boss around” and mistakenly try to boss their spouses!

Or, the two people in the couple have both been working in careers and now are faced with being together 24/7. They realize that they had a good working relationship, but they do not want to spend the rest of their lives with a person who no longer makes them happy.

Facing Tough Divorce Questions

How would you feel about hearing any of the following:

“I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“We just want different things now that we are retired.”

“You keep your retirement plan, and I will keep mine, and we split everything else evenly.”

Will the Settlement Ensure Financial Security?

Once a couple has engaged lawyers to act on their behalf, two things happen. First, they begin the process of negotiating the division of the assets that have been accumulated over their lifetime. And second, they go about determining the amount of support, if any, one spouse pays to the other.

However, if the divorce is taking place at around the time of retirement, the division of marital assets, including retirement accounts and pensions, may result in no spousal support being paid.

What was to be a time to spend together in retirement, has become a matter of holding on to enough assets to provide financial security and be in a safe environment.

Without answering these questions, many divorcing couples find out a few years later that what they had thought was a reasonable settlement has left them in financial trouble. The real problem is when they realize they cannot go back and make changes to the property settlement agreement!

How Much Emotional Currency Am I Willing to Spend?

Beyond the financial issues are the emotional ones that can be even more problematic. The amount of emotional currency spent in a battle over “things,” and having to spend a great deal of your savings doing so, can result in the need for long-term psychological counseling which also affects your general health.

Stress is a major cause of a person’s poor health. It also influences your ability to recover from surgery or other illnesses. In addition, do you want to open up old wounds to pursue the other person for specific benefits in the agreement where they have not complied? You need to determine if the emotional cost is worth the financial gain that may be involved.

By answering the above two questions, you can make better decisions, save money and emotional stress, and understand what the longer term financial impact will be BEFORE you sign the agreement. If you do not understand the financial issues, get help!

This is going to be one of the most critical events of your life in determining your long-term financial wellness. Having professional help is a necessity, especially if you are the one who is less well informed about the family financial matters.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

How much financial and emotional currency did you spend in your divorce? Do you understand now how to negotiate a settlement that will allow you and your family to be financially secure now and in the future? What steps did you take to respond to the two essential divorce questions? Please share your thoughts with the community.

One of the most talked about subjects of our time and at this stage of our lives, is how to successfully navigate uncertain times so we can not only survive, but thrive in life. In Bruce Feiler’s book, Life Is in the Transitions, he refers to times of great upheaval and uncertainty as “Life Quakes.”

He defines them as massive life changes, either voluntary or involuntary, that cause us to dig deeply, to think differently so we can come out on the other side stronger AND better.

The Gift of Time

The years after 60 can be a wonderful opportunity to slow down, rethink, and reconsider “what’s next.” They give us the “gift” of time – one that we have never experienced before in our lifetimes. Embracing this pause, we can be more intentional when we pivot from the life we have been living to the life we’ve dreamed about.

This is, of course, the life we put on the back burner or on our “someday” list. It’s the life filled with passion, purpose, and meaning.

Now, more than ever before, is the perfect time to reimagine, reboot, and reignitebour lives and our careers so that our Third Act is our best act yet in spite of all that we might be going through.

5 Statements to Consider

Have you found yourself saying one of these:

“Life is just too short, and I’m running out of time to follow my dreams.”

“I just can’t do this (job) anymore.”

“I’ve been asking myself if this is all there is.”

“I want and need so much more (fulfillment, joy, happiness).”

“It’s time for me – finally!”

Just like you, many midlife women are facing similar “Life Quakes,” some from their own choosing and some that were thrust upon them.

The Life Quakes We Face

Demanding Career

Perhaps you have chosen to leave an extremely fast-paced, “always-on” career that, while financially rewarding, is physically and emotionally draining. You are now ready to discover a more balanced lifestyle business; one that affords you more time and freedom.

Switching Direction

You would like to explore a completely new direction in your life and in your business; one that will make you feel fully alive and on fire, living your passion, purpose and the “why that makes you cry.”

New Reality

You are faced with a sudden new reality of job loss, death of a spouse, serious diagnosis. You are wanting to – or having to – reengage in the workforce to supplement your income.

Facing Fear

You are in unfamiliar territory. You’re afraid. You’re stuck. You know you have to do something, but you don’t know how. Change is never easy, so how can you turn these challenges into opportunities?

What Is a Reverse Bucket List

We are all familiar with the Traditional Bucket List (TBL) – that well-worn list that helps us step out of our comfort zones, push us to do things we always wanted to do, but never thought we would… or could.

The TBL is aspirational and great for moving us forward. However, it leaves us feeling guilty, reminding us of all of the things we still haven’t done. It’s like having a “to do” list hanging over our head.

Conversely, the Reverse Bucket List (RBL) is inspirational. It helps us reflect and focus on all that we have already accomplished in life, including the big things and the important “little things.” Things that make us proud, lessons we have learned, experiences and people that have shaped who we are today and have given our life meaning.

It helps us to acknowledge ourselves and to be grateful for who we are and who we have become. An RBL boosts our self-esteem, gives us perspective, and can serve as a great reminder when we feel discouraged.

The Reverse Bucket List is a motivational tool that will help you reconnect with the dreams you once had but might have forgotten. It will inspire you to create new goals by identifying when you were happiest, when you were most fulfilled so you can “repeat” or create new experiences like those that gave your life meaning.

The RBL can be an invaluable catalyst to see your life through a new lens so you can think differently as you are creating a bold new vision for the life you want to have as you carve out “what’s next” in your future.

Why Do You Need a Reverse Bucket List?

Here are my top 10 ways you can use a RBL to reignite and reboot your life and career:

Appreciation

Your personal and professional goals and experiences, the lives you have impacted, the obstacles you have overcome, your proudest moments can provide a new-found appreciation, gratitude, and respect for all that you’ve already accomplished.

Validation

Don’t disregard those hard-earned skills that helped you move forward in spite of challenges. Connect the dots with what you most enjoy doing with your passion, purpose, and unique gifts.

Clarity

Consider the following questions:

• What did you fight for?
• Which values are non-negotiable?
• What is the “why that makes you cry?”

Insight and Perspective

• What were you doing when you lost all track of time?
• When did you feel most fulfilled, regardless of whether you were compensated or not?
• What surprised you the most?

Deeper Connection

• What do you want more of in your life? Why don’t you have that now?
• What do you want less of? Are there things you need to let go of?
• What do you yearn for that you don’t have now?

Vision and Blueprint

Start dreaming again without putting limits to your dreams. Big dreams, little dreams. New dreams, old dreams. Design the life you want now.

Inspiration

Create goals that match your vision. Commit to a plan of action and create a realistic timeline to implement it.

Learning to Live Your Life on the Skinny Branches

Commit to stepping out of your comfort zone. Do what scares you. Stop playing small. This will lead you to the life you want so can live with no regrets.

Support

You will need a team of like-minded people who will support and challenge you. They will help you brainstorm ideas, expand your dreams and goals, help you accomplish them, and hold you accountable.

Celebrate

Finally, don’t just stand there. Celebrate the promise of your new life. The one you get to design. A life that is meaningful, fulfilling, and allows you to make a difference not just for yourself, but for others.

If you want to thrive in your Third Act, and live the life you really want, now is the perfect time to reboot and reignite your life and career.

Regardless of your life situation, it’s almost certain that when you rediscover your passion and purpose, not only will you be utilizing your unique gifts, talents, and resources, but you will also be living a life of freedom, fulfillment, and joy!

This would be a life where work feels like play. Where you can make a good income have a big impact. Where you can hardly wait to start your day!  

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What “Life Quakes” have you experienced? Have you asked yourself “what’s next?” What do you want to have more of – or less of – in your life? I would love to hear from you! Please join the conversation!

“He says there are too many syllables in my name. ‘Ste-pha-nie Pe-zott-a.’ He’s right, Ma. You should’ve picked something short, like Dove.”

Arlene clamped her mouth shut as she finished loading the dishwasher while her daughter leaned against the faux granite counter in their galley kitchen in Phoenix.

“I told him to call me Steph, like everybody else does. He said he’d invent a name that suits my vibe.” Stephanie ran her hand through her hair, recently cut short and died vampire black. She looked up at the ceiling as if she found her boyfriend’s face etched there. She hugged herself and swayed a bit. “I’m going to get ready.” She padded to her room.

Arlene did not approve of vampire black hair, but she let it go. Stephanie, her lastborn, had recently managed to finish high school and get a job. Burger King but so what, a job. Arlene had been holding her breath as well as her tongue while Stephanie recovered from a breakup that had caused her to mope for months. Arlene didn’t allow herself to resent the mess Stephanie left in the living room or the clutter on every available surface in the bathroom. When she came home from work, she simply tidied up and waited for the day her daughter would get over herself and fledge the nest. She hoped it would be soon, but reality was reality. Arlene could be patient when she had to—consider her twenty-year marriage to the oaf who had fathered her kids—but patience came at a cost she no longer wished to pay.

She checked whether it was past eight o’clock, when electricity gets cheaper, and hit the dishwasher’s start button. She turned her attention to the pots. The old dishwasher couldn’t handle encrustations, so she had to scrub. Her daughter’s music reached her offended ears, but okay. It was good Steph was going out again, although the guy sounded awful. Evidently, he played pinball for a living in a bar. Arlene had a hard time imagining you could make money playing pinball, but each new generation had its own brand of folly, and hadn’t she been foolish in her own time? Otherwise she wouldn’t be a divorced mother of three living in a funky rental with roof rats. This apartment was better than the one she got right after the divorce, though. This neighborhood was safe, there was covered parking for one car, and Steph had her own room. That room featured one window, a cheap mattress from a box, and the skinniest of closets, but Arlene was proud of providing for Stephanie, of whom she was also proud. Steph had been a model student in elementary school, but then she went gaga over boys, maybe because her two older brothers bamboozled her. When she developed into a pretty teenager with a full chest, she attracted one boy after another and fell out with each of them in turn, the last one dramatically. She stayed clean though, so Arlene bided her time.

Steph appeared in the kitchen on her way out to the car. She wore black hot pants and a black blouse with sheer sleeves. A gigantic faux leopard bag hung over one shoulder. Arlene had to admit that however inappropriately clothed, nineteen-year-old Stephanie Pezotta was a looker. She grabbed a hug; Steph squirmed out of her grasp.

“When will you be back?” Arlene asked.

Steph rolled her eyes. “We’ve been over this. I’m going to Nicky’s place after he gets off work. Don’t wait up.” She grabbed the keys to Arlene’s car from the bowl on the table and slipped out the door.

Arlene felt a flicker of annoyance at her daughter’s presumption. Yes, she’d agreed to share the car, and Steph was a better driver than her brothers – not even a scratch in three years – but she should have asked. Arlene hadn’t had a Saturday night date in forever, but she might have wanted to go to Walgreen’s, and lord knows you can’t do anything in Arizona without a car. As she turned off the kitchen light and prepared to turn on the TV in the living room, she caught herself mid-stride. Why should she sit for hours worrying about Stephanie? Why shouldn’t she evaluate the boyfriend herself? Of course, Steph wouldn’t like it, but too bad. Vigilance was a mother’s responsibility. If she’d intervened more, maybe her sons would have shaped up sooner.

She opened her closet to look for something appropriate, something that would not bare her bosom but still appear stylish because Steph would care. She passed on the scoop neck T-shirt bearing an image of their late, lamented dog and selected another scoop-neck rimmed in rhinestones, which she paired with black leggings. Putting make-up on in the bathroom, a wave of doubt flowed through her, but she canceled it. She considered herself cool enough to hang out at a bar, and her daughter needed support. Every time Steph talked about Nicky, Arlene detected signs of the colossal selfishness she had tolerated in her ex all those years. She would not let Stephanie make that mistake.

By the time Arlene’s Uber made it downtown, the streets around the bar were parked up, and she was glad she hadn’t had to circle the block for a space. She tipped the driver, a chatty former cop who told her to watch out for muggers in this section of town. She frowned at the implication that she had no business being there. Stephanie was her business, and she’d do whatever it took, including pay thirty-five bucks for a fifteen-minute drive. It was still early, and the queue at the entrance to the bar was short. Taking her place in line, Arlene noticed an alley across the street where a half-naked girl stood beside a garbage bin exchanging something with a person in a hoodie. It was May, already ninety-five degrees, too hot for a hoodie. Arlene shook her head and turned her eyes forward. Then it was her turn to enter, and the tattooed bouncer asked her to prove she was over twenty-one. She handed over her license, wondering if she could pass for younger than her fifty-two years. She approved of the discreet sign on the wall behind the bouncer reminding patrons to leave their weapons and drug paraphernalia outside.

Past the vestibule, she entered a dimly lit room with a shiny bar in the center and gaudy pinball machines lining two walls. She padded to the bar and ordered one of the advertised specials, a fruity gin cocktail. She scanned the room while the bartender, a girl with two nose rings – concentric circles piercing the flesh between her nostrils – prepared the drink. Arlene looked around. A pimply young man in shorts leaned into the pinball machine he was playing while his buddies egged him on; a few couples sat at tables across the room. She could imagine a raucous crowd filling the relatively empty space as the evening proceeded. Then she spotted Stephanie and he-who-must-be-Nicky standing at the mouth of a corridor, arguing. Every muscle tensed as Arlene watched Steph turn her back on Nicky and flounce over to a table with a sign “Reserved for DJ.” Nicky disappeared down the corridor. Arlene scooped up her drink and scooted over to sit beside her daughter, who was poking her phone.

“Hey,” Arlene said, the spirit of cool.

“What are you doing here?” Steph looked unhappy. She lowered the phone.

“I want to meet Nicky.” Arlene took a sip of her cocktail. “This is good. But you’re under age, so I’m not sharing. How did you get in?”

“Nicky and I come in the staff entrance.” She looked down. “I have an ID.”

“Is he the DJ?” Arlene pointed to the sign.

Steph sighed. “No, Mom. I told you he fixes the machines. The DJ starts at nine.”

“I didn’t expect to find you here. You said you’d be at his place.”

Steph picked up the phone. “Do we really have to do this?”

“I’ll go home after I meet Nicky.” She thought Steph should leave, too, ID or no ID.

Steph thumbed her phone. In a minute, Nicky showed up at their table. Arlene could see why her daughter was attracted to him: light eyes, dark hair, good skin, lean, with a cocky smile. Steph wouldn’t be able to decipher that smile. To be fair, it had taken Arlene years to decipher her ex’s.

“Steph says you fix the machines. Is that hard? Do you need special training?” Arlene asked as she tendered her hand for a shake.

“On the job,” He returned her grasp for a nanosecond. His eyes swiveled around the room, as if checking for machine malfunctions.

“Have you worked here long?”

“I’m freelance.” His mouth shut tight.

Arlene realized he’d offer nothing. “How about you show me how to play pinball?”

He nodded. “I’ve got a minute.”

He led Arlene to the machine in the farthest corner, and Stephanie trotted behind them. He pulled a token from his pocket and started the game. Arlene squinted against the flashing lights and the frenetic video playing in the back panel. Not the pinball machine of her youth, although the flipper mechanism seemed to work the usual way. Nicky had his hands on the controls, demonstrating silently. Arlene bellied up closer to the machine and nudged him with her elbow. He sidestepped and let her take over. She missed her first flip and the ball slid into the pocket. He placed his hand over hers, saying “Let me show you how it’s done.”

She slapped his hand away. “I know how it’s done, thank you. I just need a minute. It’s been years.” She pulled the spring to release the next ball and concentrated on its path. It bounced off a bumper and headed for the left flipper. She timed the whack perfectly and the ball shot up to the top, very much in play. She kept it going for two more round trips, smirking in satisfaction, and then let go, saying, “Steph, want a turn?”

Stephanie shook her head and flounced off. Arlene thanked Nicky for the demo and followed her daughter back to the DJ’s table. Nicky did not join them, to Arlene’s relief. It was clear he wanted nothing to do with her, and now that she’d seen him in action, the feeling was mutual. Arlene sipped the fruity cocktail that the wait staff had left on the table and wondered what Stephanie made of her mother’s pinball lesson. More people had entered the bar, and the noise level had risen.

Steph shook her head. “If you already knew how to play pinball, why did you ask him to show you?” Her voice wavered.

“I thought maybe pinball was different now. And I wanted to get to know your date.”

“And did you?”

“Well, I got to know that he’s controlling. He didn’t want me to play my way.” Arlene hadn’t meant to blurt like that. She wished she could take back the words, save them for a quiet tete-a-tete over a good meal cooked by her with love.

“You set him up. I’m so embarrassed!” She riffled through the giant bag hanging off her shoulder and handed the car keys to her mother. “You said you’d go. The car is around the back. Nicky will bring me home.”

It took Arlene a moment to understand that Steph was ejecting her in favor of that lout. She accepted the keys and slid off her chair without a word. In a daze of hurt, she found her car near the service door at the back of the bar. Inside it smelled like Steph’s floral shampoo and nothing else, thank goodness. She drove home with a tight chest, afraid for Stephanie and angry at her refusal to listen. Angry also at herself for being clumsy. What had she been thinking, dressing up to go to a bar and acting out like a kid? Remorse swept through her. Squirming, she told herself she’d had to give her daughter the benefit of her hard-won experience. Steph was making such good progress. Potential obstacles should be eliminated. Plus, why the hell should Steph sit in a bar in downtown Phoenix by herself for hours?

Arlene took off her dress-up outfit and put on shorts and a T. She went to the kitchen and emptied the dishwasher, shaking her head at a couple of crusts that both she and the machine had failed to remove. She scrubbed off the crud, dried the subject dishes, then sat down, feeling at a loss. Too soon for bed, too long until Steph’s return. She turned on the TV, hoping for a mystery so good it would succeed in distracting her. Fat chance.

Stephanie opened the front door shortly before dawn, and Arlene heard her the way the mother of a newborn picks out her infant’s slightest mewl in a crowd. She listened as Steph entered her room quietly. Rousing, she waited a minute for Steph to settle in. When she knocked on the door, Stephanie opened it, her hair a mess and her face in a pout.

Arlene brushed past her daughter and sat on the bed. “I’m sorry I interrupted, but I love you so much I just wanted to help.”

“How does mocking my boyfriend help?”

 Arlene decided on the spot to abandon her policy of not badmouthing the noncustodial parent. “Steph, I’m worried because every time you talked about him, he reminded me of your father. Your father was so wrapped up in himself that I didn’t count. You kids didn’t either. You know that. I can’t stand to see you stuck with a narcissist.”

“You don’t know Nicky. He’s not a narcissist. He doesn’t have time for chitchat because he works hard.” She drew herself taller. “The bar is his night gig. He also does IT for a law firm.” She hung the shirt with sheer sleeves in the skinny closet. She spun around to face her mom. “I’m the only girl he ever asked to live with him, and I’m thinking about it.” Steph placed her hands on her hips. “I’m going to sleep now.”

Arlene rose and pecked her daughter’s cheek. She paused a moment in the hall outside Steph’s door, listening to drawers opening and closing and then nothing. Light was beginning to seep around the edges of the blinds, so she went to the kitchen to start her day. There was no sense in trying for sleep when she’d just been issued an ultimatum: “roll over or I’ll leave.” She loaded the coffee maker and popped a slice in the toaster. When the spluttering stopped, she poured herself a cup and settled in her favorite seat in the living room to think.

Would Steph really go? Legally, Arlene couldn’t stop her from shacking up with that guy, but she wouldn’t buy Steph a car, and Burger King didn’t pay well enough for Steph to get one. She doubted Nicky had an extra set of wheels. The thought of her vulnerable daughter catering to a user made Arlene want to tear her hair out.

Then another idea nibbled at the edge of her consciousness: wouldn’t it be wonderful to have the bathroom all to herself? The prospect of a finally emptied nest made her heart swell. She had given so much and put up with so much for her three kids. To have peace and quiet in this very apartment! She could even spend a little money on décor and maybe bring a friend home. She cataloged the men at her office: no one worth spending money on. But surely someone out there would want to have some fun with her. Just a little unencumbered fun, for once.

She went to the kitchen to refill her cup, and as she poured, guilt pulled her down. What kind of mother abandons a kid headed for trouble? It wasn’t a question of love – she loved Steph with every ounce – but of responsibility. Did Arlene owe it to God or the universe to keep Steph under close observation, or could she consider her maternal debt paid? Arlene’s mother would have kept her home forever, demanding obedience, which explained why Arlene had married so young.

A memory of that wedding in the church on Staten Island in which she’d learned her catechism insinuated itself into her thoughts. That day, Lou Pezotta, wearing the baby blue tuxedo that matched the sash around her waist, seemed to be the answer to her prayers. Six months earlier, Arlene had developed a crush on a Chinese-American boy she’d met on the ferry the day she and her besties went to explore Greenwich Village. Lian hung out with them and escorted her all the way home although he lived across the City in Queens. For a couple of months they rendezvoused at the ferry terminal in Manhattan, and her crush swelled into love and heavy petting. One day she brought him home with her, and as soon as the door closed behind him, shit hit the fan. Her mother was unequivocal: Italian girls did not marry Chinese boys, and Arlene was grounded. No ferry rides, no boys unknown to her family, and of course not a hint of sex. When Lou, who lived down the block, made a play for her, she figured she’d go out with him because he satisfied her mother’s conditions. He promised to “take her away from all that,” and she wanted to go. It was only after they moved to Arizona that she discovered what she’d signed up for. She was pregnant by then.

If she was going to be a better mother than her mother, she should let Steph do as she pleased. But her chest got tight when she pictured Steph with that guy. What kind of lowlife propositions a nineteen-year-old? Arlene’s head ached. She wished she could talk to someone, but it was too early to phone any of her girlfriends. She said “I give up” out loud and dumped her cup in the sink. Soon the supermarket would open; she looked for a pen and paper to make a list.

When Stephanie padded into the kitchen after ten, Arlene was standing at the counter with the ingredients for Steph’s favorite Sunday brunch of cheese omelet, muffin, and fruit salad splayed in front of her. She said good morning and began to remove the membrane from a section of orange because that’s the way Steph liked her oranges.

Steph eyed her mother. “Is someone coming for brunch?”

“Just us. I figured we could talk while we eat. Want to help?”

Steph found a paring knife in a drawer and moseyed to the counter. Arlene waited a beat. Nothing. They worked in parallel until they finished the orange. Arlene asked Steph to cut up the rest of the fruit while she grated the cheese. She took out a cutting board that had been a wedding present from her Aunt Claire and cleared her throat.

Steph blurted, “If you’re going to ask if I’m moving out, you can just ask.”

Arlene lowered the chunk of cheese. “Okay. I’m asking.”

Steph sighed. “I want to live with Nicky, but I need to get a car first. He told me I could use his when he’s working, but that sucks. I realized it last night when I had to wait for him.”

Arlene stopped her cheeks from spreading into a smile. She flicked her eyes heavenward in gratitude. “Two eggs or three?”

Steph said, “Two. You don’t have to bribe me, mom.”

But I do have to feed you, Arlene thought, and instruct you and love you, you little twit. She cracked two eggs into a bowl and beat them energetically. Maybe Steph would realize a few more things about Nicky in the coming weeks or months. But if she didn’t, so be it. She would have to learn the hard way. Arlene decided to let Mother Nature take over. What might have happened, Arlene wondered, if her mother had let Mother Nature rule? She might have grown tired of making the hour and a half journey to Queens by ferry and subway. She might have disliked Lian’s mother’s spicy cooking. Or maybe she’d have gorgeous Eurasian kids who did really well in school. But then she wouldn’t have Stephanie, and the very idea hurt.

Arlene plopped butter in the pan and congratulated herself on not repeating her mother’s mistake. Then an odd thing happened. She sensed her mother nearby and felt sorry for the woman. No, not sorrow, more like solidarity with another mother who had tried her best, as inadequate as her best had been. Arlene’s heart softened. Maybe she had something to thank Nicky for after all. Nah, not Nicky, Stephanie. She who cluttered the bathroom sink and displayed bad taste in boyfriends, she had conjured her grandmother indirectly. Arlene was grateful for the blessing.

After Steph had eaten every scrap of brunch, she rose from the table saying she was going to shower. At the kitchen threshold she looked back and said, “Thanks for breakfast. You’re wrong about Nicky, you know.”

“I’ll put your plate in the sink for you.”

Arlene thought, Mother Nature is going to teach you manners, my girl. When the time comes, I will not say “I told you so.” The second bedroom, however, will be ready. Always.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Which of your mother/daughter experiences seems worthy of a short story? Have there been many “I told you so” moments in your relationship? How well have you dealt with them?

Autumn falls across my shoulders, wrapping my body up in her golden embrace. The air is cooler, fresher and more demanding of me. The leaves fall from the trees as if they are in love with the earth, nestling once more into her soft and expansive landscape.

I take a breath and look around me as summer’s dreams seem so far away. Autumn is here and she brings her own beauty, magic and wonder with her as she sweeps across the land.

Autumn is a beautiful time to slow down and reconnect with all of who you are. This is a time for letting go of what no longer serves or supports you. It is time to harvest our memories of summer and take stock of where we have been and what we desire next in our life.

One way to honour the change of the seasons and the magic of Autumn is to create small gorgeous rituals of self-love.

Morning Gratitude Ritual

As you open your eyes in the morning, take a few moments to stretch into your body. Lengthen your legs and stretch right down into your toes. Allow your arms to gently rise above your head and roll your pelvis up and forward, awakening your spine softly. Let your first words and thoughts be “Thank you.”

Send gratitude to your body for keeping you safe through the night. Say thank you to your bed for supporting you, your room for protecting you and for another day in your life. And as you move to get out of bed, as you put your feet on the floor say quietly to yourself, “May I walk with joy, ease and kindness through my day.”

Create an Autumnal Altar

As a body confidence and age empowerment coach, I am aware of how our minds love images. And, when you link an object or an image with an intention, it can be a positive and powerful reminder of what really matters to you. With this in mind, it is a beautiful idea to create your own autumnal altar of the things that bring you pleasure and connect you with the energy of Autumn.

An altar doesn’t need to be anything elaborate. Just a small space where you can visit every day and that contains objects that remind you of your intentions. This might be a little nook in your home, a windowsill, a table or even an outside shelter where you can sit and spend some time.

It is time to harvest your desires, learning and experiences of the summer that has passed and let go of what is no longer needed. Preparing your altar can be wonderfully creative. You can make yours as minimal or as big as your heart desires.

A lovely way to start creating your altar is to choose objects that represent how you desire to feel and what you intend to bring into your life. For example, if you have a dream of writing a book, you may want to put a pen on your altar. If you desire to feel freer, you may want to put a pebble or seashell from the beach on your altar, or whatever makes you feel free. The choice is yours.

Some other examples of what you might want to choose for your altar are: fresh or dried flowers, candles, pinecones or anything from nature, a favourite photograph or picture, a beautiful quote or word written down, an ornament that you love, crystals, a beloved book, incense etc.

The magic of the autumnal altar is actually in using it. Choose to spend a little time every day sitting by your altar. You might want to play some music, light your candle, sing your favourite songs or read your favourite poems. Or perhaps you have an Oracle or card deck that you love and you might use this time to choose a card and reflect on its meaning.

This is time for you. It is a sacred space where you can reconnect with your dreams, your feelings, your body and your soul. Enjoy every moment.

Create a Self-Love Jar

One of my favourite rituals is to create a self-love jar. This is a lovely activity to do for yourself or even with a grandchild. All you need is a jar of your choosing, paper, a pen and a pair of scissors to cut the paper into strips.

A fun thing to do is to take a piece (or many pieces) of paper and cut it into strips. Using coloured paper gives a lovely festive feel. On each strip, write down as many loving, kind and compassionate affirmations about yourself that you can think of. Be creative and allow yourself to write down the words that you would most love to hear or receive.

Write them as if someone else is saying them to you, for example, You are so lovely, You are valued and needed, You light up the world with your smile, You are extraordinary, You are kindness itself, You have everything you need, You are growing more beautiful every day, etc.

It has been shown to have a positive reinforcing effect when we say positive things to ourselves starting with the pronoun “you.” For some people it can feel more powerful than when we use affirmations beginning with the pronoun “I.” Go with what you feel.

Once you have written your affirmations, gather a little jar and place all of the affirmations in the jar. You may want to paint the jar or decorate it with beads, coloured fabrics, or stencils to make it your own. You could place crystals inside the jar or pebbles you have collected from a beach. The key is to make it special and appealing for you.

Once you have placed all of your affirmations inside of the jar, seal it with a lid or cover it with fabric and a tie around the top. Say out loud to yourself, “May all of these words become gifts for me every day of my life.”

Place the jar in a safe place, and, on New Year’s Day, give yourself the most fabulous present of reading your own words as you open the jar and take out your affirmations. What a lovely way to begin the New Year!

Get Cozy with Hygge

Hygge is a word in Danish and Norwegian that describes a cozy and contented mood evoked by comfort and conviviality. This concept has been embraced by many cultures around the world, especially as a nurturing alternative to the stresses of today’s fast paced lifestyle. It involves creating a comforting and loving space in which you can rest, relax and feel safe.

Autumn is a lovely time to gather ourselves, slow down and engage in loving rituals of comfort and joy. For example, it may mean that you wrap yourself up in a warm blanket, with your favourite book, a cup of hot chocolate or your favourite beverage and spend an afternoon or evening reading.

Or, perhaps, it is going for an Autumnal walk and coming home to sit by a fire. If you haven’t got a fireplace, then a lovely alternative is to light some candles and bathe in their glow. The key is that you make a conscious choice to do things which will show yourself how much you love and care about you.

You might cook an extra special meal and enjoy it with friends and loved ones, or maybe it’s alone time that you crave, and you give yourself space to fully relax in comfy clothes, doing what you love.

Surround Yourself in Love

For those of you who love all things crystal, a beautiful self-love ritual is to gather several rose quartz crystals and place them in different areas of your home. Choose the spaces where you spend most of your time.

Rose quartz represents love in all of its forms. It is connected with the heart chakra and the qualities associated with the heart such as kindness, compassion, trust, hope, faith and a strong loving courageous sense of self.

Place rose quartz in those areas where you spend time: your bedroom, kitchen, living room, outside in the garden, by your computer or even in your purse. Every time that you see the rose quartz crystal use it as a reminder to connect with your own heart.

Touch, or hold the crystal in one hand and place the other over your heart, close your eyes, breathe deeply and remind yourself of how loved you are. Say quietly in your mind:

“May I receive love,

May I give love,

May I be love.”

For more inspirational tips and beautiful ways to love your body and your life, please follow me on Instagram. It would be a pleasure to meet you.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What are your own favourite Autumn rituals? What do you love most about the Autumn months?