Month: October 2023

Attending
significant gatherings, whether a class reunion or a family wedding, can make
us anxious even as we look forward to them. We’ll be seeing people who knew us
way-back-when, at those times of life we might prefer to edit or ignore. 

Why
not consider such an event an opportunity to practice self-acceptance,
self-compassion, and curiosity? 

I know that’s easy to say; after all, my 50th high school reunion is now a part of the past. But I came up with 10 tips that helped me conquer my nervousness, so I hope they might help you as well. 

Relax, It’s Not About You

No
matter how much you want to look great (I asked my hairstylist to give me a
“reunion special”), the truth is, most everyone will be concerned
about how they look and sound. You can relax – they aren’t worried about you.

The Contest Ended Years Ago

No
one will be competing for prom queen or remembering whether you even attended
it. No awards, I trust, at the end of the evening for being the “Best
preserved.”

Much of What You Remember Was Never True, and You Can Reframe It Now

A
friend shared a story about her husband’s 50th. He had been a nerd in high
school, long before being a “nerd” was in style. He figured no girl would want
to go out with him, so he never asked one out for a date.

At
his reunion, though, one woman confided to his wife: “You’re so lucky.
Rick was the one guy in high school all the girls wanted.” He’d had no
clue. At that moment, his old story about himself ended, and he was able to
reframe his entire high school experience.

Many
of the stories we made up about our younger years didn’t reinforce our power as
competent, loveable, desirable people. Time to reframe the past! 

Remember those old phrases that begin with “I wasn’t ___ (beautiful/sexy/popular/smart)”? Chances are your self-judgments aren’t true. Challenge them a bit, and you may crack the door open to a new way of thinking about your life.

Your Failings Don’t Matter

Your
big event is the perfect time to practice self-compassion as well as compassion
for others. We all have failings, and some of them were pretty obvious when we
were younger. We made mistakes, some of them serious. And we survived. 

That’s
true of everybody.

Remember
the phrase, “I did the absolute best I could, under the
circumstances.”

Then
offer some of your compassion to others.

Have a Goal

I’m shy. The idea of greeting 150 people I haven’t seen for 50 years (and barely knew then) made my stomach flip. I decided to set a goal: to learn how people age and what they see as most meaningful in their lives.

Creating
a learning goal is a lot more empowering than the usual one: “To see how
many people recognize what a great person I am today and how I overcame my high
school experience.”

Practice Vulnerability, but Not with Everyone

Brené
Brown coaches us to share our vulnerability, but not with everyone.

If
your life has been rough recently, and someone asks, “How are things
going?” you can test the water by offering a neutral answer like,
“Fine, although we’ve had a few challenges/been dealing with some medical
issues/have had to help our grandson, etc.” 

Be
prepared to leave it there. If what you hear back sounds like genuine empathy
and a desire to know more, you might saunter into the waters of a more
in-depth, revealing conversation that is rewarding and soul-satisfying. 

If
someone opens up to you, be equally discerning. Are they just whining or do
they have an exciting story lurking, just begging to be shared? You can offer
empathy, sympathy, or a word of support while deciding whether you want to
continue down that conversational road.

Come Up with a List of Questions

I always admire people who can use questions to demonstrate their interest in others. If you’re wondering what those questions might be, here are some examples:

• What do you remember
  most about high school?
• What was the
  favorite thing you did in high school?
• What are you
  enjoying most these days?

If that goes well, you can build off of their answers with new questions or ask others such as:

• What’s the important
  thing you’ve learned since high school?
• What’s the one thing
  you wish you knew/we knew back then?
• What are three
  things that have surprised you about life?

Find the Stories

Lots of us attend events with pre-packaged answers to probable questions. To find out more about someone’s life, we may need to dig under the surface veneer. To search for a story, begin with open-hearted curiosity and gentle prompts.

You
can ask, “Tell me more about that,” or “What was that
like?”, or “What was your experience?” With luck, you’ll hit gold
and hear a story they don’t usually share. 

Laugh More

You
don’t have to wait for jokes to laugh. Pay attention to how often you laugh at
an event, and I bet you’ll laugh more. Spread some joy with a goal like,
“I’m going to laugh at least 20 times.” 

Enjoy Being YOU

You’ve got nothing to prove. This fact, which I underscore, is an amazing superpower that comes with being our age!

If
you feel awkward or anxious, take a few deep breaths and use your exhales to
remember: I am whole, I am worthy, I am safe, and I am loved. 

Regardless
of what happened back then, that’s the truth now and in the future to
come. 

Let’s Have a Conversation:

How
do you handle class and family reunions? Are you closed off when it comes to
sharing your personal tid-bits? With whom do you share your life experiences at
such events? Please tell your stories below.

“I can’t believe you’re wearing orange pants!” My daughters’ eyes were wide in mock horror – or real horror, I was not sure.

I love my Jones of New York orange pants, which I had found in a Goodwill. I wear them in autumn with an ivory, yellow and orange camisole and a little white sweater.

“Can you walk over there?” She was laughing and smiling at me. I was laughing and smiling back as I ran after her and she tried to get away from me.

While my clothes’ choices might not get me a slot as a contestant on Golden Bachelor, old age has freed me from dressing and trying to look like Barbie, the archetype that haunted my teenage years in the 1970s when models on Seventeen magazine were blond, tan, skinny and blonder.

For many years, I succeeded. I was a size five, sported long blond (highlighted) hair and bought clothes or outfits, that made me a contender for a spot in the Spiegel catalogue.

Weird Barbie Is Me?

While I still dressed for myself, even back then, a combination of southwest style and Ralph Lauren tailored, I would be lying if my peacocking was not to attract the gaze of men – for if not for them then for who? Certainly not for my mother or my girlfriends.

Perhaps my clothing spells worked too well for it resulted in an incident that turned me into Weird Barbie – the Barbie who has been ill-treated, or, if we are being woke, has experienced her inner don’t give a Damn.

Cutting off my hair, spiking it and dressing like a punk rocker freed me from the gaze of men after I no longer wanted to attract a man’s gaze; I was going to do what I could to be as ugly as possible. But I was not a happy Weird Barbie. It was an attempt to give a middle finger to men and maybe myself and my vanity.

Yet, I do feel that I was also a product of a time period when women had the pressure of looking like Christie Brinkley, getting married but also fighting for equal rights and working. What A LOAD!

Semi Weird Barbie

Time heals all wounds and clothing choices, and I eventually swung between navy blue suits (that my government job required) and my Levi’s on weekends. When I jumped off the corporate ladder and became a farmer and professor, I was suddenly free, older, with less societal pressures to fit anyone’s stereotype of what a woman should be or dress like.

It was in my 50s, as I slowly embraced my grey hair, my collagen deprived face and aging body, despite working out and applying face creams, that I finally became free. I was not the damaged and defiant Weird Barbie of my youth – the one whose body parts were bent in impossible directions, hair chopped off, makeup added with bright colored markers. I was Kate McKinnon Weird Barbie who so many women recognized; Mattel made her a new type of Barbie Doll.

McKinnon’s Weird Barbie is more than her impossibly split legs and crayon colored hair. She is authoritative, confident, laughs at the absurdity of blond Barbie and in no way wants to be her. In fact, her Weird Barbie lives in a super cool tree house in a home way above Barbie land, like a goddess. And just like an oracle, people come to her for her wisdom and grace.

Aging Is Orange Corduroys

Old age is sort of like that. While my arthritis often makes me feel physically like the Weird Barbie body contortions, I am also free from the physical expectations of beauty, and the cultural demands of womanhood.

I love corduroys in the fall and winter, and I am drawn to bright colors because they make me happy and joyous. My daughter does not own a pair of corduroys, and she seems to be drawn to the color khaki green. I am as baffled by this as she is by my bright orange pants.

Many of the women characters in my novels and short stories are Weird Barbies. These are not the heroines of Elin Hildebrand’s novels – middle class, normal, recognizable in their ordinariness.

My heroines, like Hester Prynne in the Scarlet Letter, are fighting against issues that they refuse to be shaped by, triumph against adversity and the perverse challenges of fate and free will. Like Hester Prynne’s beautifully embroidered A that she wears proudly on her breast, all my heroines would choose orange corduroy pants.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What kind of pants would you wear if you could only have one pair? Have you swung between blond Barbie and Weird Barbie? How have your expectations of living and being a woman changed as you turned 60?

Diamonds may be a girl’s best friend. But will they ever outshine your true, authentic smile? A glorious smile shows not only in mouth and teeth. It radiates out from your eyes, your posture, your body language, your inner light. The whole authentic you. Did you know that a true, authentic smile needs the cooperation of 43 muscles in your body?

How this relates to your home? Well, your home is your devoted “positivity buddy.” Just as your entrance door is the “face” that you show to the world, your home’s interior look and feel is the body language of your home.

Does your home smile with you? Do you wish to upgrade your smile from “nice” to “invincible,” with just a little makeover? Try these 7 inspirations and many tips on a budget.

1. Passion Is Like Botox, Only Better

What you are passionate about energizes you. Passion fills your cup. It radiates from the depth of your soul out into the world. Just like a big smile does.

• Is your home showing your passion?
• Do you smile, when you look at your walls? Yes, there may be photographs of family and friends that are dear to your heart. They give you energy. Wonderful. But, on top of the joy you share with loved ones, what makes your own heart sing?
• What fills your cup that doesn’t depend on anyone or anything from outside of you? People come and go. You stay.

2. Awaken the Queen in You

On my bedroom wall, there’s a photograph of young Queen Elizabeth II on her throne. She has always fascinated me as a beautiful human being, navigating through difficult times (which I can relate to) with grace and dignity. Does this make me a royalist? No – and who cares anyway? It’s in the privacy of my bedroom.

What does The Queen do for me? When I look at her, my posture straightens. She reminds me of my highest values. My talents, my communication skills, my passion for all things personal growth, my being of service to the world, my excellent table manners. And of always being well dressed, although hardly ever with a hat. The queen inside of me comes alive. See? Now you can smile with me.

Show your talents. Home is where you are The Queen. Show your passion for books, travel, dancing, music, pottery, jewelry making, the opera, charity, movies, fashion, beauty, food, Pilates, plants, art, horses, starfish – your choice.

3. Do You Know Your Highest Values?

Sometimes, we adopt a belief, value or concept only as a coping strategy. In past times, this may have been useful or even lifesaving. Today, the same beliefs or concepts create roadblocks for us – to such extent that we may not even know what our own highest values are.

The good news? We can find out! By trial and error, or – much faster – by an online test. In my experience, Dr. John Demartini offers the most thorough (and free-of-charge) value determination process.

If finding out your highest values means replacing uncle Louie’s painting (which you never liked) with a photograph of Marilyn Monroe, or selling aunt Elsa’s precious antique vase (which you only keep in case she visits) and buying yourself a modern sculpture with the cash from the sale: FINE! You can show your appreciation of Louie and Elsa in other ways. If necessary at all.

4. Feed from the Past, But Don’t Let It Screw Up Your Glorious Present

I was surprised that letting go of a potted plant, inherited from a family member, meant freeing myself from “shadows” that came with it. For a long time, I told myself, It is a living plant, innocent, a good thing! But this concept proved wrong. My heart cheered up as the plant left my home.

This opened the space for a true passion of mine – travel and interior design books about the New England coast. They uplift me, they get my creative juices flowing, and they make me smile.

5. Words Can Lie. Furniture Doesn’t. Create a Healthy Flow

Remember John Mayall’s, “I can’t give my best unless I’ve got room to move”?

With a pinched nerve, you don’t feel like smiling. An aching arm or leg keeps you from moving freely. A full stomach makes you tired. Your bowel movements want space, so you feel healthy. Your home needs space, too. YOU need space. A smile comes from a place of feeling good!

• Does that huge armoire stand in your way? Yes, it’s quite a statement, but is it worth the road block it creates?
• Is your precious spare room crammed with your children’s belongings (which they are happy to leave with you)?
• Do you have blue marks on your skin from frequently bumping into the sharp edges of your expensive designer coffee table?
• Do you literally “go out of your way” so you won’t touch the plant that has long outgrown your living room and may fall off its console any day now?

This is not about downsizing, decluttering or minimalism. (O well, ladies, it always IS about decluttering but that’s not my point right now.) THIS is about finding your priorities, and then: giving yourself adequate space for them.

6. How the Power of Communicating Vessels Works for You

• Shift your furniture around until you create the space and flow that you deserve. You don’t need a plan. You don’t need to know where everything goes when you first start. Just start moving one thing, then another. Trust the process.
• You will find that, by moving just one thing, another thing will want to be moved, too. Objects and spaces are connected. That’s the magic of your home. Just like our blood vessels, our rooms are communicating vessels.
• Ask for help if necessary. Things will fall into place, I guarantee it! I have gone through re-arranging furniture with countless clients: There ALWAYS is a way to make things look and feel better.
• It may take a while. Be patient. Don’t give up. Sometimes, the winning changes are minimal but make all the difference.
• Yes, it may just be this one chair that wanted to be moved from east to west. And it may have taken you 3 days of moving stuff back and forth until you found that out. Congratulations! Those were 3 days of positive solution and growth oriented (e)motions. Plus, the physical exercise will reward your body with some muscle growth. Life’s a journey anyway. Give yourself a big smile!
• And yes, it might be time to let go of something that stands in your way. Or it may just fit perfectly somewhere else.

Don’t let your energy flow get blocked, not by a concept or false belief, not by another person – and most definitely not by your furniture.

7. The Jewel in the Crown

Being The Queen is not for the weak. If things get tough, your smile will help you to conquer obstacles:

• Psychological studies suggest that putting on a smile in challenging times serves as a mood lifter. Smiling (even a fake smile) triggers brain chemicals related to positivity.
• Think of Nat “King” Cole’s famous song „Smile though your heart is aching. Smile even though it’s breaking. When there are clouds in the sky: you’ll get by. If you smile through your fear and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow: You’ll see the sun come shining through for you … JUST SMILE“

Remember: Your home is your devoted “positivity buddy.” Let it help you raise your mood and energy. Surround yourself only with colours, views, fabrics, art, furniture and people that make you smile. Let your smile be that priceless jewel in your crown.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What makes you smile inside your home? Is your home smiling at you? Is it the best stage set for The Queen in you? Share your passion. Let´s talk about what empowers us and makes us smile. – Because it is her smile that makes a woman beautiful.

Photo: @naomie_olindo

Originally posted at: Naomie Olindo’s Navy Blue Satin Gown