Month: November 2023

Are your holiday traditions stressing you out? Maybe it’s time to tweak your seasonal activities for less stress and more fun!

I’ve followed the regular rituals of the season for several decades, but this year I intend to change the frantic schedule and reduce or eliminate some traditional activities. I already feel a wee bit guilty, but here are some stress-reducing actions I’ve planned for this year.

Downsize the Decorations

When my children were small and we lived in a two-story house, I spent hours winding garlands and lights up the bannister on the staircase. Delightful Santas, reindeer, nutcrackers, and snowmen were strategically placed in every room. Artwork was replaced with cheerful Christmas scenes and wreaths adorned several inside and outside doors.

The seven-foot tree was the center of attention and required at least six large boxes of ornaments that were lovingly unpacked, tucked into the branches, and then repacked for storage. This year, I’m planning a small tabletop tree and a few sparkly decorations. I think guests will still come to sit around the fire to sip adult beverages, play carols, and exchange small gifts.

Dim the Outside Lights

Outdoor lighting has become a spectator sport in some neighborhoods. A few people plan all year to create elaborate scenes that cover the entire house and produce dazzling displays choreographed to music.

Hundreds of cars full of festive families clog the streets and irritate the surrounding neighbors as they file past to view the show. This year, I’ve cancelled the lighting project and will hang a glowing wreath on the door. That way, my power bill won’t be so shocking in January.

Keep the Baking Simple

We’ll retain a few traditions; making candy trains with the grandkids and concocting my mother’s sinfully decadent fudge, but I won’t bake a carrot cake with cream cheese frosting or work for hours on fruitcakes that no one wants. Guests and family usually appreciate a cheese plate and a basket of crackers. I’ll keep it simple.

Schedule Time for Myself

It’s easier for me to plan and prepare a dinner for 20 people if I’m rested. I schedule a massage a few days before the event, and I enjoy every second of it.

Find Fun in Giving Simple Gifts

Large families solve the gift-giving dilemma by drawing names so everyone receives a gift and no one needs to take out a second mortgage to buy presents for everyone. My children are grown and have kids of their own, so the families come together for one large feast on Christmas Eve.

We bring small gifts for the children and the adults open humorous “white elephant” gifts that always cause laughter. We’re delighted that our stockings hold an aunt’s jam, a daughter’s framed photos of the kids and a granddaughter’s homemade soap.

Eat the Fudge

I try to exercise regularly and be careful about eating too much sugar, but I can’t ignore the fudge. I intend to work out more to justify the calories. My dear departed mom would be so disappointed if I didn’t make and consume her fudge. I do it for her.

Invite New Guests to the Holiday Table

It’s okay if some family members arrive for dinner and include guests with different customs. If Uncle Bob brings visitors from another country, embrace their holiday traditions and share yours. Respect others’ religious beliefs, and don’t give a Santa Claus music box to a Jewish person. The best parties involve a diverse assortment of people who come together to eat, drink, and be merry.

The best way to avoid too much holiday stress is to make detailed lists during early November and stick to your schedule. The lists can include categories for budget, meals, gifts, activities, and accountabilities. Anticipate disruptions, but go with the flow. Reducing expectations and tweaking traditions can result in a delightful moment of peace on earth.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you have any holiday traditions that have continued over the decades? Have you planned new activities for this year? Do your adult children have their own holiday activities that are different from yours? Please share in the comments.

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Well, it’s that time of year again! Time to start thinking about holiday shopping. Sure, every year we tell ourselves we’re going to spend less, but we end up spending more, or worse, having no idea how much we spent!

The holidays can be busy, overwhelming, and stressful. It’s not uncommon for my clients to reach the upper limit of their bandwidth for decision-making during the holidays.

The result of all those thousands of choices is that we often get overwhelmed and say “forget it” to any plan for our spending. That apathy isn’t a personality defect, it’s a way we protect ourselves from getting even more stressed out and having to make ONE MORE decision.

But when those credit cards come due in January, we have ample opportunity to fail ourselves, beat ourselves up, and tell ourselves all the things we “should have” done.

It’s time to break that pattern.

As a holistic financial coach, I have a bunch of tools in my toolbox to help my clients learn how to reduce their spending (holiday or otherwise) without feeling restricted. Today let’s talk about just three:

Find the Purpose of Your Spending

Try this exercise for just a week: Every time you spend money, remind yourself of the purpose of the spending. What job is this money doing for you? Some examples: “This $100 is so I can have dinner tonight and lunch tomorrow.” “This $4000 is so my family has a nice house to live in.” “This $45 is so my house feels decorated and welcoming.”

By reinforcing to ourselves the purpose of spending, we’re doing a few important things. We’re reinforcing to our brains that we are actually spending money, making it “real.”

Second, we are slowing down our spending. Any time you can include a little slowness in your decision making, you’re increasing the likelihood that you’ll make a better decision!

If you’re buying a holiday gift for a family member, really savor the purpose of this spending! Of course, as you slow down and understand the purpose, you might find other options. If the purpose of spending on this gift is so that this person knows you love them, how else can you show that love… which leads us to the second way to change holiday spending without feeling restricted…

Evaluate the Choice You’re Considering

Start with one option open to you (not a “this-or-that”). Let’s say I’m considering a very small choice; buying a bottle of carbonated water.

Step 1. What Are the Possible Values of This Choice?

The value of choice CANNOT be its price. Too often we conflate the value of something with its cost.

Possible values of this bottle of carbonated water:

• Hydration is necessary for life.
• It’s cold and I’m hot so it will be refreshing.
• It’s convenient.
• It’s delicious.
• It’s __________.

What other values can you think of?

Step 2: What Are the Possible Risks Associated with This Choice?

The risks of a choice CAN and should include its cost. The monetary cost of this bottle of water is $3. Applying the concept of an opportunity cost to this is pretty intuitive…. Once I spend this $3 on this bottle of water, I cannot spend that same $3 on anything else.

So the opportunity cost is one risk.

Other risks could be:

• It could be flat.
• It could have been manufactured incorrectly/gross.
• It could be ________.

What other possible risks can you think of for this bottle of water?

Step 3: Is There Any Other Way?

Specifically, is there any other way to get some of the values without some or all of the risks?

Sometimes there is no other way. What is important is that we are taking the time to LOOK for other ways.

What are some Any Other Ways for this bottle of water?

• I could get a cheaper bottle of plain water.
• I could hold out until I get home.
• I could drink from the drinking fountain.
• I could get a cup and get water from the soda machine.
• I could ______________.

What other ways can you think of?

One Last Thought

There are rarely right or wrong choices in life. Our lives are far too beautiful, complex and messy to provide us simplistic black and white, right and wrong choices. Locking yourself into only seeing your choices as right or wrong (need or want) sets you up for failure… and humans do not make good choices when we are acting from a place of failure, crisis, or limited choices. The beauty of the strategy is that it gets you looking for other choices.

How do you think your spending during the holidays will change if you practiced assessing the values, risks, and any other ways of just a few of the choices ahead of you?

Target Spending

I love this game! It reinforces expected spending and gives you permission to spend while trusting yourself.

Choose a Small, Variable Part of Your Spending

Good examples: coffee, ice cream, clothes, eating out, gifts for the kids, holiday decorations.

Not so good examples: mortgage payment, utilities.

Choose a Fairly Short Time Frame

This should be between two days and two weeks.

Choose a Specific Dollar Amount

Example: “I’m going to spend exactly $17 on ice cream in the next 10 days.”
“We’re going to spend exactly $42 on towels in the next 2 weeks.

Not so good example:

“I’m going to spend up to $24 on pencils tomorrow.” (this is restriction)

Game play:

Your job is now to spend EXACTLY that amount of money in that time. No more. No less.

We want this to remain a game, not a budget, so that’s why we’re keeping the time frame and scope of spending fairly tight. And this is just a game. So, if you spend more or less, does that really matter?

Nope, because this is just a game.

You are now practicing expected spending. That $17 (or whatever amount you choose) has a specific job to do.

As you play this game, what do you think you might notice? Do you think it will be easy or hard to spend exactly that amount on that specific thing in that specific amount of time?

There is a dual purpose to this game. First, it’s to practice expected spending rather than restricted spending. Second is to begin to trust yourself with money.

The Test

Let’s test this out. Which statement is restricted spending, and which is expected spending?

“I’m going to spend $45 on a gift for Ginny this year.”
“I can’t spend more than $50 on a gift for Ginny this year.”

Our brains do not make good choices under the influence of restriction. Restriction is emotional and reactive. Expected spending, on the other hand, allows us to practice thoughtfulness.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What do you think you might notice as you practice reflecting on the purpose of your holiday spending? What kinds of patterns might you notice as you evaluate your purchase through the values/risks/any other way strategy? And finally, what do you think you might notice as you practice expected, not restricted, spending?