Month: November 2023

Remember the excitement you used to feel about your husband? The anticipation of time together was enough to keep you moving through your day. Not to mention the mental notes you’d make about things to tell him or daydreams about what you’d like to do together after the kids went to bed. 

Now? Meh. 

If the spark has gone cold and time with your husband has become about as exciting as watching your plants grow, you’re not alone. 

Boredom in a relationship, especially in long-term relationships, is extremely common. But being common doesn’t mean it should be acceptable. Without intervention, boredom can act like termites in the framework of your marriage. 

So, what can you do to keep the dust from settling on your marriage? 

Does Being Bored with My Husband Mean I Don’t Love Him?

Mistaking boredom for falling out of love is a common pitfall in long-term relationships. It can happen at any age but is particularly prevalent in couples reaching empty nest age or retirement. 

When all the things you’d been focusing on – building your life, kids, work, family schedules – change, it’s like you do a slow head turn and really start looking at your husband. And sadly, sometimes what you see, combined with the drastic change in where your energy is now targeted, isn’t the picture you were expecting.

In an ideal world, you see a guy you want to get to know again. You still find him attractive, and you’re excited about the new adventures to come. 

But not everyone’s world is ideal, and many women end up frustrated because,

• He doesn’t want to do anything “fun.”
• He doesn’t like talking. 
• He’s content watching TV, surfing the internet, or putzing around the garage, workshop, garden, etc.

And it seems like you have nothing to do together anymore. In other words, you’re bored, which can make you wonder if you still love him.

Rest assured, boredom and falling out of love are not the same thing, and what you’re feeling is most likely a lack of excitement and a response to the changing landscape of your life together, not so much an indication that you no longer love him.

Remember, what love looks and feels like has seasons, and if you’ve been married a long time, you’ve weathered several already. This one may feel different, but the strongest likelihood is that it’s a relationship winter that can give way to spring with some focused effort. 

Is It Him or Me? Why You’re Bored with Your Husband

Many women who feel bored with their husbands wonder if it’s the classic “It’s not you, it’s me” scenario, or if it really is just him. 

In other words, are you bored, or is he boring?

As we age, our interests and priorities change, and it’s possible that you and your husband haven’t grown at the same pace or in the same direction. This divergence doesn’t have to be a bad thing, however. It can actually be a springboard into a new phase (exit relationship winter and enter relationship spring).

So, if your interests and desires have changed but your husband’s haven’t, don’t give up. Instead, try casting this situation as a new “get to know you” opportunity. 

To truly overcome boredom in your relationship, you’ll also need to consider the other factors that may have led to this point or may make it difficult to get past it. Changes in your life’s circumstances most likely aren’t whyyou’re bored with your husband. They can be, however, a catalyst for seeing where you’ve become disconnected. 

The most common factors that create boredom are:

Routine and Predictability

Over the years, couples often settle into patterns, making life feel predictable and monotonous. This can lead to a sense of boredom, as you may feel like you’re experiencing the same things over and over. 

Even if your life as a family was anything but routine, that busyness can lead to routine interactions between partners. Get up, deal with your own schedules, handle household business, have dinner together (maybe), and go to bed. Sound familiar?

Changes in Interests

As you age, your interests and priorities may change. What was exciting or engaging in your earlier years may not hold the same appeal now. This can lead to a disconnect with your partner if your interests have diverged.

Perhaps you’ve developed a passion for Pilates over time, and he likes Grisham novels. Or he golfs, and you play bridge. These things are great, but if they’re done frequently and to the exclusion of your partner, it can lead to boredom when you’re together.

Lack of Novelty

In a long-term relationship you’ve already explored many aspects of each other, and the wonder and mystery might have faded.

There’s a certain comfort in knowing each other so well, but after washing someone’s underwear for years or watching him trim his nose hair (or silently wishing he would), you might feel like there’s such a thing as being too close. 

Communication Breakdown

By far, the most common problem when it comes to relationships is issues related to communication. Communication breakdown can lead to a feeling of boredom because, well, you’re not communicating in a way that keeps interest alive or keeps you involved with each other.

External Stressors

External factors, such as work, retirement, health issues, or family concerns, can strain a relationship, making it challenging to focus on the connection with your partner. This may not be boredom per se, but these things can cause you to neglect the emotional connection you should have with your husband, eventually leading to boredom. 

12 Boredom Busters That You’re Old Enough to Try

One of the best things about being in your 50s, 60s, 70s, etc., is that you should be more comfortable with yourself than you were in your 20s. Don’t get me wrong, we’d all love to recapture youth’s energy and effortless muscle tone, but who wants to fret and play games in a relationship again?

Thankfully, with age really does come wisdom, in most cases, which means you’re capable of a more confident, direct, and possibly bold approach to busting through the boredom.

The first thing you’ll need to do is get your husband’s buy-in on shaking things up a bit. As they say, it takes two to tango, and you can’t make your relationship with your husband more exciting if he doesn’t know what’s happening. (BTW – learning to tango isn’t a bad idea on its own). 

Next, consider the suggestions below for blowing the dust off your relationship.

Create a Bucket List Challenge

Work together to create a bucket list and challenge each other to fulfill a certain number of items within a specific timeframe.

Set New Goals Together

Collaborate on personal or shared goals, whether a fitness challenge, a business venture, or a creative project. Achieving goals together can be fun and bring you closer.

Write Love Letters or Postcards

Write love letters or postcards to each other and mail them, even if you live in the same house. It adds an element of surprise and nostalgia.

Role-Play

Explore your intimate, adventurous side by engaging in role-playing scenarios. Dress up, take on different personas, and act out fun, romantic or sexy scenarios together.

Host Themed Social Gatherings

Staying socially active and maintaining a positive outlook are crucial for mental health. Kill two birds with one stone by doing this together. Plan themed social gatherings where friends dress up. For example, have a retro ’60s night, a dress-like-a-millennial night, or a pajama party.

Create a Mystery Adventure

Surprise your husband with a mystery adventure, like a treasure hunt with clues that lead to romantic surprises or hidden gifts.

Do a Monthly Staycation Retreat

Create a luxurious staycation experience at home. Transform your house into a spa retreat, complete with massages, a bubble bath, and pampering. Or agree to stay in your pajamas for a day and binge movies or a series you’ve each wanted to watch. 

Camp in Your Backyard

While sleeping in a sleeping bag may seem silly when there’s a perfectly good mattress inside, it can create some novelty and good conversation opportunities by taking things outdoors. So, set up a tent and have a backyard camping adventure. Enjoy a bonfire, roast marshmallows, and stargaze from the comfort of your own outdoor retreat.

Learn a New Language Together

This stimulates your mind and opens up opportunities for travel and cultural exploration. Then, you can leave notes for each other or send texts in that language and challenge each other to translate and respond. 

Consider Artistic Endeavors

Explore your creative side by taking painting, pottery, or woodworking classes together. Even working on restoring a car or doing something to your home can be a very bonding experience.

Engaging in Sports

This is, of course, health permitting. Perhaps even try something bold like paragliding, rock climbing, or white-water rafting if you’re up to it. It’s an excellent way to conquer fears and strengthen your bond.

Renew Your Vows

If you’re entering a new phase of life together, what better way to kick it off and jump-start your relationship than renewing your vows. Make it a surprise vow renewal ceremony and invite unsuspecting friends or keep it intimate with just the two of you. You might even write new vows and reaffirm your commitment to each other.

Beating relationship boredom in your 60s can be exciting and fun. Especially when you embrace unconventional and surprising approaches to keep the spark alive. The only question should be, where are you going to start?

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Are you bored with your husband? Is it him, you, or both of you? Have you done anything to shake things up? Please share your experiences and ideas and join the conversation.

Shop Real Housewives of Potomac Season 8 Fashion

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Originally posted at: Shop Real Housewives of Potomac Season 8 Fashion

“Oh, I don’t have a creative bone in my body. I can’t even fold napkins!”

Mindy grinned as she said this in response to my invitation to a writing workshop. It was a few years ago and, as part of my Master of Fine Arts (MFA) degree program, I had to teach a practicum – an eight-week creative writing class I was offering for free.

I heard many enthusiastic acceptances, and a few “would love to, but …” comments. Mindy, though, was the only one to disqualify herself on the grounds of not being creative.

“Of course you are!” I told her. “Everyone is in some way.”

“Not me,” Mindy replied quickly. “Mrs. Simpson – she taught me in third grade – told me so.” Then she described some elementary school art project that prompted her teacher’s pronouncement. Decades later, Mindy still held onto it as an irrefutable truth.

My intention here isn’t to malign third-grade teachers or to vilify anyone who judged our pipe cleaner sculptures too harshly. But I do think it’s crucial that we acknowledge the chorus of naysayers in our heads – and learn how to stand up to them.

A writer all my life – from scribbling down a first story at age seven to launching my second novel just a few months ago at age 63 – I’ve had to deal with an overactive inner critic. Even now, it tries to dissuade, discourage, and otherwise shut me down. Thankfully, that voice never succeeds.

Here are four steps that keep me tuned into my creativity and can work for you, too.

What’s Your Muse Whispering to You?

Perhaps you have a deep-seated desire to write or create, or maybe you saw something on Pinterest yesterday (it can be a font of inspiration). Whatever the motivation, something has piqued your passion, and you have two choices: ignore it – or go for it. As you can guess, I’m in the second camp.

The first step in encouraging your creativity is paying attention to what speaks to you. Although I’ve dabbled in a few creative pursuits, my true passion is writing, and I think many people are drawn to this form of creative expression.

Has a memory surfaced that you want to capture in words? Do you hear a few lines of a story? Has an image presented itself like a photo in an album? Focus on that invitation and say yes to what really moves you in the creative direction (and no to the naysayers and distractions).

Sign Your Commitment Contract

This step is where that newfound impulse to follow your creativity hits the first major obstacle: How to start? Even though I’ve written for decades – and professionally for more than three of them – I can still get waylaid by any number of doubts and distractions. Is that idea really that good?

That’s why we need to commit – and I’m a big believer in putting it in writing. I have a beautiful notebook given to me by a friend – handmade paper with a leather cover tooled in a floral design shaped like a heart. This is where I write down my commitments to start and finish my next book, my marketing plan for it, and every other step to bring my dream to fruition.

Find that notebook for yourself (even a spiralbound one will do just fine) and write down your initial ideaand your commitment. Still need convincing? Here’s what the Columbus (Ohio) Museum of Art had to say about it: “As with any resolution, it is a deep commitment that will compel and propel change.”

Make a First Attempt

An initial draft – that’s all it is, and without the judgment of our inner Mrs. Simpson leaning over our shoulders. No expectation for perfection, that’s unrealistic and unnecessary pressure. Personally, I like to write out my idea just to get a first draft down. Then – and only then – do I take a closer look.

Multiple books, a New York Times bestseller, two mystery novels in my Ohnita Harbor Mystery Series, and some short story awards later, I still throw out more than I keep. And that’s okay because this is only an initial attempt – what Annie Lamont in her classic Bird by Bird called “sh***y first drafts” (only she didn’t use the asterisks), which maybe produce one really good sentence – and that’s enough to keep you going.

It’s the Nth Draft That’s Worth Keeping

You may love what you produced or feel disappointed by it (my first drafts usually end up somewhere in the middle). But my favorite saying is “art is in the rewrite.” It’s the second, third, twelfth, or twentieth draft that sets the plot in motion, animates characters into believability, and paints a setting you could just step into. That’s the writing process – and also the joy and reward.

Does it take time? Yes. Does it require more effort than you initially thought? Probably. But you are creative, and your expression is worth it.

Mindy never came to my class – even though it was free and just a few blocks from her house. “Maybe next time,” she always told me, and I stay optimistic where she is concerned because Mindy took an important step the day of our conversation, years ago. She told me what Mrs. Simpson had said, probably knowing that I’d refute it by telling her: “Your third-grade teacher was wrong.”

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Has someone proclaimed you “not creative”? Have you taken this as pure truth? How has such a proclamation affected your life? Have you decided to break free and try your hand at something creative? What did you try? What were the results?