Month: December 2023

Photo + Info: @kylerichards18

Originally posted at: Kyle Richards’ Black Blazer

The first year after it happened, I was devastated.

It was Mother’s Day and both my son and daughter, then in their late 20s, were using drugs and alcohol. I waited and waited for the call. Like all day. Nothing.

I remember standing in the shower that night, my head pressed against the wet tile, sobbing convulsively. It hurt so bad. SO bad. There was a compressed knot in my gut. I felt forsaken. Abandoned.

I questioned… Was I that bad of a mother? Did they really hate me that much? What did I do wrong that they feel it’s okay to do this to me?

Once my reason returned, I knew I had been a conscientious mother; involved and nurturing. Not perfect, mind you, but I was confident in the fact that I gave them my all from my personal toolbox of loving and caring.

The next year it happened again. I didn’t cry as hard, but it still hurt.

I tried to be happy for the mothers around me whose grown children showered them with attention and gifts, but it was a double-edged sword of genuinely wanting to feel glad for them and yet feeling the sorrow and abandonment in my own heart.

Then… it became something that no mother should have to endure; it became normal.

Moving on from There

Eventually, my son shared with me one Easter that at one point he felt like he was having a heart attack from using meth, and he stopped using drugs. He went back to church and turned his life around in a big way. His girlfriend at the time was a 9-year hardcore heroin addict, and she turned her life around as well. They’re now married and have a son. My son is 39 now, and we have a good relationship, calls and all.

My daughter, however, remains estranged. Sometimes she responds to my messages (when I don’t ask too many questions) and seems very reluctant to say “I love you” in response to my telling her often that I love her. That hurts, but I won’t stop saying it.

I endured a toxic relationship with my own mother, and I wanted desperately to flip the script on the pages of history and enjoy a close, fun relationship with my daughter, now 42. But, alas, the story isn’t over, and I still hold out hope that one day it’ll happen.

Over the years, I’ve learned four self-healing ways to manage an adult estranged child.

No Wallowing or Staying Stuck!

Through the decades of estrangement from my daughter, despite my attempts to foster a relationship, I’ve learned that wallowing or staying stuck in grief is pointless and serves no good purpose in my life. Yes, of course, we must fully grieve the story we held in our hearts and heads about what our relationships would look like. But wallowing year after year is not helpful for you, or your adult child. They’re going about their life, and you need to do the same.

Dr. John Delony, Ramsey personality and host of The Dr. John Delony Show, urges call-in listeners to buy a cinderblock at the local hardware store. He says to write the thing you’ve been carrying around for a long time on a piece of paper taped to the cinderblock. Carry that cinderblock around the house for as long as you can hold it, then rip the paper off and lay it down in the farthest back corner of your yard never to pick it up again.

There is value in his advice. We carry our grief until it gets so heavy we can’t manage it. Lay it down!

Create New Goals for Yourself

Instead of uber-focusing on your estranged adult child, create 2-3 new goals that you want to accomplish. This could mean you choose to volunteer a couple of hours per week at your favorite local non-profit. Women who are 60+ have a plethora of gifts and talents acquired and honed through the years.

Do you play the piano? Donate or “sell” your time teaching a youngster to play.

Are you a retired educator? Tutor.

Do you know a thing or two about painting? Take a budding artist under your wing.

Are you a writer? Help someone draft a book.

The point is: go outside yourself and invest in someone else. It really does help fill the gap that estrangement leaves.

Slay the Anger Monster

It’s natural to feel angry as part of the grieving process. Your adult child is still living yet it feels like a death. Friends and family may attempt to be supportive in commiserating with you, but often they feed your feelings of betrayal and abandonment. Instead, take a mental step back and try to understand what led to the estrangement.

Does your family dance the dance of dysfunction in its core structure? Do patterns of toxic communication permeate conversations? Perhaps you view your family as whole and healthy. Looking at your family dynamics from a more objective vantage point may make the estrangement feel less personal.

The reason doesn’t matter as much as you have the willingness to slay the anger monster and adopt an open-door attitude. Note: this doesn’t mean hard conversations and boundaries won’t need addressing.

Walk into Acceptance

It seems so trite to say it is what it is but accepting circumstances as they are is part of your own healing process. Instead of fearing what the future holds with your estranged adult child, take several deep breaths, drop your shoulders, and simply accept that this is your story… for now.

I know a thing or two about those thoughts that race across your brain in frantic circles when you’re trying to go to sleep. Those revved up thoughts torment you while you toss and turn, wondering where your adult child is, what they’re doing, and if they’ll ever realize how much they’ve hurt you.

You dream of the day they race back into your life, throw their arms around you, apologize for their waywardness, and confess their undying love for you. Dreams are good, and continuing to hold out hope for reconciliation is noble, but acceptance for the present is necessary.

I understand the pain of an adult estranged child. I know it creates a gap during every holiday… heck every day, really. However, implementing these four self-healing strategies will help you move on with your own life while continuing to hold on to hope that one day reconciliation will come. And if it doesn’t? You will have continued building a life of meaning and purpose!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Is adult child estrangement part of your daily life? How do you handle it? Have you found reconciliation or is this still a hope for the future?

Exploring a country’s food culture is a big part of any overseas holiday, and most definitely the case in Italy where, happily, eating and drinking can be as educational as it is delicious! Wherever you go in Italy, you’ll find a focus on using only locally sourced, seasonal ingredients that are packed with flavour.

Looking for tomato and aubergine based dishes in winter? You’re more likely to find pasta parcels filled with creamy squash, hearty soups, risottos and casseroles crammed with winter vegetables.

What you eat will also depend on where you are in the country. While tradition plays as big a part in local cuisine as the regional terrain, with recipes passed from one generation to another, the flavour of different dishes also owes much to the basic ingredients.

On our walking tours, we explore the food and local wines of most regions of Italy and while it’s difficult to select a favourite dish or area – so much to choose from! – here are some of the things we love best about Italy’s gastronomic scene.

Focus on Tradition and Quality

Recipes are handed down through generations, sometimes enhanced by a modern twist and often varying in the minutest of details from the same recipe in the next village.

But on top of that, there’s a recognition of the need to preserve the production of specific foodstuffs, such as cured meats, bread, cheese or a particular type of fruit. Examples include the Bronte Pistachio from Sicily, or Giant Vercelli Rice from Piedmont.

The Slow Food movement does much to support this activity, supporting thousands of farmers and food artisans in Slow Food Communities (Presidia) across 5 continents. However, compare the number of Presidia in the US and the UK – 5 in each country – with Italy’s 377, and you soon get the picture!

Food Markets

For many, food markets are the beating heart of any Italian community, a place to meet up for an espresso, have a chat and stock up on your daily needs. And for overseas visitors, they are an excellent way of getting a feel for what’s in season.

Delicious Cheeses

Top spot at the local market for me is the cheese stall, the perfect place to learn about local cheeses and find out which you prefer. Several of the best cheeses have been awarded the EU’s DOP certification (Protected Denomination of Origin), but you won’t be surprised to learn that cheeses vary enormously between regions.

 Two of my favourites are Castelmagno, one of the most popular in Piedmont, and Taleggio from Lombardy. And needless to say, meeting a local parmesan producer is always a highlight of any walking tour in or around Parma!

Perfect Picnics

Cheese is also a key ingredient of any Italian picnic, whether in the form of buffalo mozzarella interwoven with large juicy tomatoes and fragrant basil leaves, or a walnut flavoured pecorino, jammed between two wedges of ‘pane toscano’.

What else makes the perfect Italian picnic? Thinly sliced prosciutto or salami, a salad of fresh seasonal vegetables such as springtime asparagus, a couple of juicy peaches and some local biscotti are simple classics. Throw in a spectacular lakeside or mountain view to complete the perfect Italian picnic, one of life’s simplest but most joyous experiences.

Pasta – Happiness on a Plate

No list of gastronomic experiences in Italy would be complete without mentioning pasta. Guaranteed to lift our spirits, it transpires that pasta really does enhance our mood, thanks to an increase in serotonin production created by the carbohydrates. And it makes us even happier when we eat it in Italy!

With around 600 different types of pasta available, you’d think that choosing which pasta to eat could become complicated. But it’s worth remembering that every region has its own speciality and specific pasta is paired with specific sauces.

Coffee Culture

Coffee is as much a part of Italian daily life as pasta. A distinctly social occasion, having a coffee in Italy is generally a case of enjoying an espresso after lunch or dinner, or as a pick-me-up during the day.

The first coffee of the day, with breakfast or until the middle of the morning, is the only time you’ll see Italians drinking a frothy cappuccino. Best place for your coffee? Head to the local bar where most people will drink their coffee propped up against the bar.

Winning Wines

Whether you fall into the red or white camp, or are partial to a glass of sparkling prosecco, you’ll find amazing wine wherever you go in Italy. Tuscan wines are perhaps the best known outside the country, with the red wines produced in Montepulciano and Montalcino amongst the Tuscan superstars.

Then there’s Piedmont, in Italy’s northwest, known for its Barolo and Barbaresco wines, and fast becoming the place to visit to learn about winemaking through tours and tastings. But it’s not all about classic reds. Head to Friuli Venezia Giulia in the northeast of the country where there’s growing interest in orange wine.

Truffle Temptation

Foodies everywhere will be familiar with the concept of truffle hunting, and better still, truffle eating! In Italy, they grow in the forests of Piedmont, and some parts of Tuscany, Umbria and Le Marche. The white truffles found near Alba in Piedmont’s Langhe hills are amongst the most prized whilst the best black truffles are said to come from Norcia in Umbria.

Gelato, One Scoop at a Time

Last, but most definitely not least, gelato. Quite different from ice-cream in terms of ingredients and production, gelato is most definitely Italians’ favourite sweet treat and one of the few foods that they are happy to be seen eating on the street, although admittedly, sitting or standing, rather than walking. Having a gelato is a huge part of Italian culture, as important as drinking espresso and often part of a social gathering.

But that doesn’t mean that all gelato is equal. The best gelato makes use of seasonal fruit and local flavours so you’ll know to avoid strawberry gelato in November and to head straight for the superb pistachio and almond flavours in Sicily!

Further reading, 6 UNMISSABLE GASTRONOMIC EXPERIENCES IN ITALY.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Have you had any standout food experiences in Italy? How much do you try to use seasonal and local produce? Do give us your thoughts in the comments below.

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