Month: January 2024

If you are a woman who struggles with anxiety, this article is for you! You can be anxiety free!

Is This You…?

• Living with anxiety,
• Feeling stressed and overwhelmed,
• Have trouble calming your mind down?

You might be asking yourself questions like these:

• “What’s wrong with me?”
• “Why can’t I get over this?”
• “Why am I on this rollercoaster of emotions?

Do You Want to…?

• Calm down. 
• Learn how to manage anxiety
• Become anxiety free. 

This Was Me…

About 12 years ago, I was smack dab in the middle of an emotional nightmare. My family was going through a difficult time.

I was filled with anxiety. I had difficulty sleeping and I couldn’t eat. I could not calm my mind down or relax. At bedtime, my mind was still in chaos and racing in every direction. There was so much to think about and wonder about. Worst case scenarios developed very easily in my mind. All the “what if’s” surfaced regularly.

I tried distracting myself by watching TV, playing games, or going for a walk. Anxiety sat at the back of my mind and was always ready to pounce into my consciousness. I was double minded much of the time. I might be washing dishes and watching TV with stressful thoughts constantly lurking in the back of my mind.

I was obsessed with negative, scary thoughts. My family doctor put me on Xanax to help me calm down and get some sleep. It helped but I didn’t want to have to rely on medication.

I finally declared, “I’m not living like this anymore!” and I got help to learn how to manage anxiety and worry. It took months, but gradually, I learned how to become free from the tyranny of anxiety. You might say I became immune from excessive worry and fear. I still have challenges once in a while, but I have tools and I know how to manage anxiety.

Since then, I’ve become a certified life coach with the goal of assisting women find freedom from anxiety.

3 Steps to Overcoming Anxiety

STEP 1: Identify the Fears Causing Your Anxiety

The first step is to identify what is causing your anxiety. Once you know the cause, you can make changes to help reduce your anxiety.

You need to identify foundational fears.

Ask yourself:

• What worst case scenarios am I telling myself?
• What is it that is really triggering fearful thoughts?
• What is my inner critic telling me?

This may be challenging and perhaps take a while, but it’s so worth the inner work. You must be intentional and center a spotlight, so to speak, on the fears at the bottom of your anxiety. You need to identify what is causing YOUR anxiety so you can eliminate it.

Example:

Recently, I had a client who was overwhelmed with anxiety, filled with worry and having a hard time calming down. She was very upset about her relationship with her daughters.

We worked together and took the time to identify her fears. Through our conversations and journaling, she recognized the fears triggering her anger and anxiety. She was able to calm down, feel less overwhelmed and think rationally about her relationship with her daughters.

What fears might be triggering your anxiety?

Step 2: Change Old Thought Patterns to New Thought Patterns

You need to change your negative thoughts into positive ones. Intentionally shift from old thought patterns to new thought patterns. Your mind will calm down as you replace the negatives with positives. This is a radical change in thinking patterns. You will experience less overwhelm and out-of-control thinking.

The idea is to catch yourself. Stop and think:

What are the negative thoughts I am thinking?

Now intentionally replace them with positive thoughts.

Example:

I was contacted by a person experiencing anxiety about her upcoming retirement. Her mind was spinning in many directions. She was sad, anxious, and fearful.

As we worked together, in addition to chatting about the “ins and outs” of retirement, we focused on her thoughts and subsequent feelings.

She learned how to pay more attention to her thoughts and feelings and most importantly, how negative and destructive they were.

As a result, with practice, she calmed down and used her newfound tool for shifting her thought patterns. It’s made a difference.

While she continues to explore what retirement could mean for her, she is more at peace with the unknowns. She’s feeling lighter about the future.

What negative thoughts could be changed to positive thoughts for you?

Step 3: Create a Plan for Anxiety Free Living

Create new habits to turn around guilt-producing and fear-generating patterns of thinking.

• Develop a plan using tools on a daily basis to calm anxious thoughts and feelings.
• Outline a routine for quieting yourself.
• Speak or write affirmations each day.

Security and hope emerge when you stick with your blueprint for coping with anxious thoughts whenever they arise.

You will find that anxiety-free living is possible.

Example:

Another client I’ve worked with contacted me because of the anxiety she was experiencing about her physical well-being. She was quite concerned that she had a debilitating, crippling illness. Waiting for appointments at Mayo Clinic was tough. She couldn’t really avoid the situation or change it.

We talked about shifting her thinking and behavior. She moved towards accepting the situation through changing negative thoughts to more positive ones. This helped reduce anxiety and a chaotic mind.

This is a continuing journey for her as she awaits more test results. All the while, she is developing and living out a plan to manage anxiety.

What might you include in a daily plan for coping with anxiety?

Remember the 3 Steps:

1. Identify the fears causing your anxiety.
2. Change old thought patterns to new thought patterns.
3. Draft a plan to practice daily anxiety reducing strategies.

Overcoming Anxiety Is Possible

You can learn how to manage anxious thoughts and feelings. When you do, everything changes! This is your invitation to work through the 3 steps outlined above. Understanding anxiety and intentionally moving forward with rewiring thoughts puts you on your way to worry free living.

If you are truly suffering with anxiety and ready to make a change and become anxiety free, I invite you to consider working with an anxiety coach like me or someone who can help.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Is anxiety crippling you? What are you most anxious about? How does anxiety limit your life? If negative thoughts are pursuing you, can you think of ways to turn them into positive ones?

Originally posted at: Crystal Kung Minkoff’s Green and White Printed Dress

We read books and newspapers, blogs and magazine articles. What if we started reading our home’s story; the message between the lines and pages of its history, between the nooks and crannies of walls, furniture and other „stuff“ that surrounds us every day?

Your home wants you to listen to its story. Every story has a deeper message of some sort. Your home’s message always interacts with your own. It may surprise you, challenge or support you and help you grow. Knowing your home’s story may explain certain occurrences in your life. Knowing about the past can help create the present and future – so you are able to live to the best of your life.

Questions to Ask

Storytelling starts with a prologue. What was before you? What was your starting point in that home?

• Did you inherit your home?
• Did you plan or build it yourself?
• Did you move into an existing space that your partner once shared with someone else?
• Was there anything given up or sacrificed in order to create the space you call home?

Your Home’s Story and How You Relate to It

Just as we fill our home with our own story, our home’s story will mix and mingle with us. When energies of places and people meet, a chemical reaction takes place. Transformation happens.

Some homes come with a well known story. But many times, we know little about the origins of the place. Why is it worth putting in a bit of effort to find out? Because the history of your home can be compared to the roots of a tree. It is the foundation for those who live there.

What goes around comes around. A house whose first owners were „happy ever after“ will probably provide fruitful energy for other relationships to blossom in this place.

Just as good deeds will pay off one day, bad deeds or unfortunate circumstances will leave their traces. A house with a broken heart needs healing before peace can enter. A traumatic history may be compared to a weakened root system: It provides potential challenges for future generations. Just like a relationship which is built on lies, a house with an ill-constructed foundation may continue to show cracks in floors and walls (and relationships) and always need „high maintenance.“

Here are 2 true stories:

Rebecca and the Hotel-Turned-Medical-Office

Rebecca’s hard working parents owned a flourishing hotel in the countryside. Their restaurant had a stand-alone position in the area and was highly appreciated. On Sundays, they were always sold out, with guests from near and far. Little Rebecca and her sisters worked in the family business from early childhood on, contributing to the growing wealth of the family.

Reaching adulthood, the sisters weren’t interested in keeping the labor and time-intense hotel business. They chose different careers and moved to the city. Then, the parents passed away. Rebecca had just finished her training as a primary care physician. She and her husband decided to move back to Rebecca’s home village. Much to the grief of former guests, they closed the hotel and restaurant. They redesigned the building to meet the needs of a family home. They also incorporated a generous office space for Rebecca to see clients.

Thus, hard working Rebecca saved travel time and saw her own children grow up and flourish while her medical office became a big success: From day one, patients from near and far lined up to see Rebecca, providing a cosy and safe financial foundation for the family of four.

It could have turned out differently. The medical office could have failed to attract enough clients. But in this case, it seems that the full package: the energy of excellent service, an impeccable reputation and a powerful social network plus financial affluence had come with the place – no matter its purpose.

Ella and the Tricky Landlord

The ease with which Ella found her rental apartment made clear that they were meant for each other. Built in the 1870s and placed in a good neighborhood in the city of Vienna, it provided plenty of space and high ceilings. Just what Ella loved.

Soon after moving in, the landlord tried a trick to change existing rental agreements. Ella and a group of neighbours would have to either pay above market value, move out or settle the case in court. After 5 years of painful legal procedures, a judge decided against the landlord. He had to sell the house.

Years passed. One day, Ella learned that back in the 1930s, a Jewish family had been brutally evicted from one of the apartments in her building. Their home was handed over to a non-Jewish family. Ella was aware about the expropriation, deportation and murdering of Jewish citizens during the Nazi regime – but she was shocked that this had also happened in „her“ building. She realized that, back in the 1930s and 40s, there had been several cases of evictions in her neighbourhood.

She suspected that her apartment may also have undergone such criminal change of ownership, long before she was born. Records were missing, so research showed no evidence. Then, in a dream, Ella was shown a Menorah, the seven-branched Jewish candelabrum, hidden behind the wooden panels of her apartment’s west window. In the dream, she was given the message that someone who had once lived in her place had moved to a country „in the west.“

Does Ella’s example show that past injustice may be corrected by a next generation?

Who knows? My clients’ many different „home stories“ have shown me this: When respect, attention to detail, firm will and a little bit of good luck, you can fill a place with positive energy. Even a problematic building history can be reconciled by a new generation of inhabitants.

I have come to believe that places call us in – either to be healed by us or to heal us.

How Can Healing Happen?

Healing starts by honestly acknowledging what happened, no matter how long ago.

This is Ella’s solution: She gave thanks to the unknown previous inhabitants. She regularly lights candles to honor and bless them. Though not Jewish herself, she hung a Mezuzah (a small case with a blessing) next to her door. Ella has a challenging family history herself and feels that she has „arrived“ in a place that takes good care of her. So she continues to take good care of her place.

Be a Witness to the Story

As soon as we learn about problematic circumstances, we turn into witnesses of trauma. That, in itself, as we know from trauma therapy, supports the process of healing. It is now up to us to honor past pain and difficulties. But it is also vital to acknowledge and honor the gain: That which was saved and had a chance to blossom in a different way. Always focus on the blossoming.

Honor the people whose space you have the privilege to live in today. A good way to start is a ritual that needs no religious label whatsoever: Simply light a candle, bring in fresh flowers, say thanks, wish for healing and peace to all involved in the story.

Your Own Story

The home of a person is an open book. Psychological studies have shown that a stranger – without knowing you – would quite precisely be able to describe your character, your personal inclinations and most probably your profession simply by looking around your home.

Are you experienced in „reading“ yourself inside your home? Or are you blind-sided – which is understandable when living in a place for a long time.

It helps to refresh your perspective from time to time. Changing seasonal decorations is always an opportunity to analyze a given setting.

• Is it time to exchange your son’s baby photos for his new family picture? After all, he’s turned 35 this year.
• Does your home decor speak of the person that you are TODAY, not 30 years ago?
• Are you surrounded by colours that highlight the best in you with your white hair and aged complexion?
• What story do the knick-knacks on your book shelf tell about you?

Love it, change it or leave it. This principle applies to careers and „stuff“ alike. Just like our dead skin cells fall to the ground on every single day, we may surround ourselves with stuff that has lost its meaning. This is the stuff we should let go. One person’s clutter is another person’s treasure. It’s all relative.

We live in times of downsizing and minimalism. Decluttering has become the new religion of a society in which a single person owns way too much to have the slightest overview of all her belongings – not to speak of multiple persons and households and all their combined „stuff.“

As we grow in years, downsizing gets more relevant, if only for the sake of being able to keep our home clean and in order. Moving beyond our 50s and 60s, we can best review the life lived so far and create a personal outlook on what we still wish to experience, accomplish or simply enjoy.

Is „Stuff“ Bad? Is Stuff „Clutter“?

It depends on how it serves you. Does your stuff celebrate the person that you are today? Or is it mostly about past glory, or your children’s achievements? What story does your home tell about you? Is it a story of meaning? A story of a „life well lived“ – or a challenged one? A story that nurtures you and makes you at peace with what is?

If in doubt, get inspired with:

• Second Chances for Your Best First Impression at Home: 13 Ideas to Boost Your Self-Confidence
• Want to Feel Like a Queen in Your Home? 3 Empowering Tips
• 7 Easy-To-Implement Hacks to Reset and Refresh Your Life at Home

Let Us Have a Conversation:

Does your home speak mostly of the glorious past you had? Or does it proudly represent the person that you are today? Does it leave space for more wonderful things and stories to happen? What is the story your home is telling you and everyone who visits? Share your story.

*this was the closest match we could find

Originally posted at: Dorit Kemsley’s Black and White Chanel Sweater

Celebrating 60 was a long time in coming for me. “It’s shocking,” I would say to friends as it started to sink in that August was right around the corner, and I was fast approaching a milestone I did not look forward to. My reaction would not have surprised anyone. I had always been age averse.

“How old are you?” a new acquaintance would often query. “I don’t tell,” I would respond flatly. But the startled look on their faces always begged some explanation.

Don’t Lie. Don’t Confess

“I never reveal my age, my weight, or the number of romantic partners in my past,” I would say, adding, “No good can ever come of that.”

I had valid reasons for that attitude. I have never had children, so I lived my entire life without that natural reminder of the passage of time that children represent. Toddler. Teenager. Independent person half my age, etc.

Also, for years I had worked in television, a youth oriented industry which did not treat kindly the aging female anchor woman.

Pigeonholed as Old

Then I married late, and my husband would begin occasional conversations with the phrase, “Well, you know, people our age…” fill in the blank.

Now hold on there, Methuselah! We may be sharing a life, as well as a number of other things, but age is not one of them. I am exactly 7 years younger than you.

But his words began to resonate. And I had to acknowledge that time passes and takes with it opportunities that are never to be repeated. Like being a bride again.

I actually get sad when I go to weddings and find myself yearning to walk down that aisle again. Now, I am sure that could be arranged, but I’m hoping it won’t be necessary.

Age just did not bother my husband. And despite having once dated women young enough to be his daughter, of all the questions he asked me when we first started seeing each other the only one he never ventured near was age. “I just didn’t care,” he said later when I asked him why.

That’s the kind of lovely fellow he is. And that’s one of the reasons I married him. Oh, yes, and there was that huge fortune, of course. Just kidding.

Don’t Judge Me

A couple years back RED Magazine explored the question of AGE: The Last Taboo, and asked why many women still lie about how old they are.

Not a mystery to me. People are judgemental. Even if you look great, a number that is too high in their minds many times serves to diminish or even completely dismiss your worth. How dare they? How dare we let them?

Live in Reality

We are the only ones who have the incentive to change age discrimination. But first you have to admire what you are and by doing so challenge others into seeing you the way you see yourself.

So this year I decided to live in reality and do what I had never done before. Celebrate getting older without fear of judgement – mine or anyone else’s.

I threw myself a party. My husband wanted to make it a huge ‘do’ which was so kind of him, but I declined his offer and didn’t even invite him. I just wanted people there like me.

And many of my girlfriends who could come, did come. My husband carried no grudge and bought me jewelry instead. Second reason I married him.

60 Is a Turning Point

Turning 60 is a wake-up call of sorts. We have all gotten this far and have acquired skills, experiences, and wisdom – the gifts of the mature. It would be a shame to waste them by not recognizing their worth as a foundation to build on to accomplish more, not less, with each successive birthday.

But first, we must start by reminding ourselves that an ‘ageless’ self-perception is the goal. Every age has its limitations, of course. 5-year-olds can’t drive, and 90-year-olds would struggle to summit Everest.

But there is no reason why hundreds of other things that depend on your brain and your drive cannot be accomplished.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I think I might have been guilty of that in the past. But no more.

From now on, to those, including me, who might suggest with a glance or, even worse, a word that a 60-year-old is not up to snuff, I will quote Eleanor and say, “Permission to make me feel less is hereby revoked.”

Let’s Have a Conversation:

How did you feel when you turned 60? Any special events and experiences you’d like to recount? Please share them in the comments below.