Month: January 2024

Most of us do not stop to reflect on how entwined our identity is with our work roles. Have you noticed how people meeting you for the first time tend to start a conversation by asking what you do?

That is because it is a very useful entry to understanding who somebody is. In employment we also have titles and job descriptions that reinforce who we are and what our status is in the organization.

The day we retire or transition away from full-time work, we leave this core part of our identity behind. Our identities as wife, mother, grandmother, sister etc., do not change as we continue to live those roles.

But the anchor that gives you the status of manager, personal assistant, nurse, IT technician or expert falls away.

Stages of Letting Go

To find a new identity for ourselves, in many cases we must work through letting go. Dr. Elizabeth Kϋbler-Ross studied the process people enter when a loved-one is dying.

Though formulated in the 1960s, I find it remains relevant and beautifully explains the process of letting go. We can apply it to the process of grieving our identity as a full-time member of the working community.

It is important to understand that this is not a linear process, i.e., most of us do not move through one stage after the other, to the state of acceptance.

Rather, we jump around from one stage to another as changes crop up in our lives. You may also think you have attained acceptance, only to find yourself the next day in denial or bargaining!

The 5 stages of grief, and some of the emotions that characterize them, are described below.

Denial

Denial involves avoidance, confusion, elation, shock and fear. Have you delayed planning for your retirement? Do you put it on the back-burner and hope it will sort itself out when it happens?

Anger

Anger is expressed with frustration, irritation and anxiety. Have you found yourself irritated by people asking what you are planning to do in retirement? Do you wake up cold in the middle of the night worrying about your retirement?

Depression

Helplessness, hostility, flight and feeling overwhelmed are signs of depression. Are you overwhelmed by the many hours of the day in which you drift without purpose in retirement? Do you feel you do not know where to start to plan your retirement and therefore put your head in the sand?

Bargaining

The stage of bargaining involves reaching out to others, telling one’s story and struggling to find meaning. Does your mind play games on you? One minute it tells you it will all be fine, the next puts fear into your head, regarding the way things could pan out?

Do you debate with yourself, your loved ones and your employer over your date of retirement, or consider putting it off?

Acceptance

When you accept that retirement is a natural stage of life, now you are ready to explore options, put a new plan in place and move on.

The 5-Step Model and Retirement

You can apply this 5-step model to help you understand your own adjustment to life in retirement. If you are not yet retired, but finding yourself reluctant to plan, perhaps it is that you are not yet ready to relinquish your work identity.

Accepting the status of retirement is important in the process of finding purpose.

If we do not know who we are in retirement, how can we hope to find purpose? I know most of those who continue to work do so for financial reasons, but some introspection is also necessary to eliminate fear of the loss of identity.

In my own retirement process, I found a new identity in Life Coaching. I realise this is a new ‘work-related’ identity, but until I had accepted that I was retired, I was unable to find this new identity.

I floundered for a couple of months because I was forced to retire very suddenly. However, once I accepted I was retired, I was able to move on and find my new identity.

Yes, I was very angry indeed, and I did put my CV up on the Internet with a view to continuing as before. I also retreated into introspection which is what I tend to do when I am down.

Initially, I vehemently denied I was retiring at 60, telling myself that I had planned to do that at 65! All this in the first 6 months of retirement!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Where are you on the road to acceptance of the fact that you are or will be retired? If not, what is it you still need to work through? Please share your introspections below.

As we journey through life, the passage of time often brings with it unwelcome companions – nagging joint pains and persistent aches. Those twinges in your knees or that discomfort in your back can cast a shadow on your daily activities, limiting your mobility and sapping the joy from your life. But what if there was a way to reclaim your movement, and redefine your relationship with pain?

Enter Pilates – an age-defying exercise practice. Pilates isn’t just about stretching and strengthening; it helps melt years off your body by working in a gentle, low impact way to set you up for success in your everyday life.

Understanding Joint Pain

Aging gracefully doesn’t mean resigning yourself to a life of discomfort. Joint pain, often an unwelcome guest as we age, stems from various factors – wear and tear, reduced flexibility, weakened muscles, or even chronic conditions like arthritis. However, it doesn’t have to be a life sentence.

Pilates, with its gentle yet effective approach, offers a beacon of hope for those navigating joint discomfort.

What Is Pilates?

At its core, Pilates is a low-impact exercise regimen that emphasizes controlled movements, breathing techniques, and a focus on core strength. This trifecta works in harmony to alleviate joint stress and strengthen the body from within.

One of the cornerstones of Pilates lies in building core strength. By engaging and strengthening the deep abdominal muscles, Pilates helps to better support and stabilize the spine, consequently easing the burden on our joints and low back.

A strong core will offer you the most benefits as you age. There is a reason why we call it our “powerhouse” in the Pilates community. I can firmly attest to this, having worked with all types of bodies and age groups as a Pilates Instructor for the last decade. Having good core strength is truly your superpower.

Enhancing Mobility of Joints

Pilates is a master of mobility. Through its precise, deliberate movements, it stretches and lengthens muscles, increasing flexibility and range of motion. This newfound suppleness alleviates stiffness and reduces the strain on your joints.

If there is one takeaway you get from this article, remember MOTION IS LOTION! Often when we have joint pain the last thing we want to do is move; however, movement is medicine. It really does help to heal your joints as movement releases synovial fluid to your joints which is VERY healing.

Movement is a powerful force when it comes to anti-aging.

Mindful Movement

Central to Pilates is the concept of mindful movement. By fostering a mind-body connection, it encourages us to listen to our bodies, understand their limitations, and move in a way that is gentle and supportive.

I often tell members of my On Demand Pilates Studio that “less is more” in exercise. Do what you can and forget the rest. This helps them avoid movements that exacerbate joint discomfort.

Embracing Life Beyond Pain

The beauty of Pilates extends beyond the mat or studio. As we cultivate strength, flexibility, and mindfulness through a regular practice, the benefits permeate every part of our lives.

Imagine strolling through the park without the twinge in your knees, lifting your grandchild without hesitation, or simply enjoying the day without the constant reminder of discomfort. Pilates opens the door to these possibilities.

Joint pain need not be the defining narrative of your life. With Pilates as your guide, you can embark on a journey free of discomfort, embracing mobility, and reclaiming the joy in movement.

Let’s leave behind those daily aches and pains and welcome Pilates as our reliable partner in pursuing a vibrant life free from discomfort.

After spending the last decade guiding adults over 55 through Pilates classes, I’ve gained valuable insights into easing those bothersome tight joints and aches. Want to give it a go? Join me for a FREE class in my YouTube Studio – let’s get moving together.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do tight muscles or stiff joints limit your daily activities? Have you had to stop a favourite sport o hobby because of joint pain? If you’ve tried Pilates and found it helped improve your daily life, please share your story below to help inspire and motivate others.

Every December, Pantone arrives at a color that (in their opinion) best represents the upcoming year. Because our world is on a hamster-wheel of perpetual turmoil, Leatrice Eiseman, Executive Director of the Pantone Color Institute, has declared Peach Fuzz to be the color we all need to calm us the heck down, mellow us out, and make us forget all the nonsense. I’m not sure this will work.

Here is her statement:

“In seeking a hue that echoes our innate yearning for closeness and connection, we chose a color radiant with warmth and modern elegance. A shade that resonates with compassion, offers a tactile embrace, and effortlessly bridges the youthful with the timeless.”

This would be good, if it weren’t so, uhm, peach. I see a new year filled with peach coffee cups, carpet, Jell-O, and (the most important by far) makeup. If you cringe at wearing peach lipstick, eyeshadow, or blush, you are not alone.

This shade can give the dead-on-arrival ashy look with darker skin, and for lighter skin, if you have even slightly blue undertones, you’ll look like a Victorian child dying of influenza. However, if you have warm/yellow light undertones, you can rock this color! In this article, my goal is to offer some advice on how to wear it and not look like death. Let’s peach!

Peachy Eyes (aka Hit in the Head with a Flying Peach)

Depending on your skin color, tossing on a peachy eyelid shade can be pretty, or it can look like a flying peach wacked you in the eyeball. If peach goes ashy on you, try a browny-orange instead, and we will pretend you are on-trend. You can also add a little in the outer crease or maybe a dot of frosty peach on your eyelid or inner eye for effect. I’m grasping here, but trust me, many of you can pull this off.

Helpful Tip #1: If you have blue or green eyes, peach can help enhance your eye color. Keep it as close to your eyeline as possible, as the further from your eyeball, the less the impact. If you have brown eyes, well, maybe skip the peach unless it is very glittery. Glitter always works.

Peachy Blush (Beware of Tweens)

Okay, if I’m being honest, peach blush can be fabulous. Again, much depends on your skin tone, but leaning toward copper/coral/butter/nectarine/apricot can bring a warm hue to your face and work with almost any lipstick.

As an aside, if any cosmetic brand names their blush Peach Fuzz, I predict the tween-age youngsters will trample us over to get to it. On the other hand, check your current supply of blush, and you may find a peach-ish blush to check this box.

Helpful tip #2: Put the blush on the apple of your cheek, and then lightly pull it up close to the top of your cheekbone. It’s hip, it’s cool, it’s peach.

Peach Lipstick (or Pout Like a Pro)

Frankly, peach lipstick can be beautiful, but not if it makes you look like your lips have disappeared into the ethers. The way to avoid this is to do stronger eye makeup to offset the softer lip, then add gooey lip gloss on top. My current favorite gloss (Jane Iredale Hydropure Lip Gloss) contains hyaluronic acid and makes my lips look pouty and sultry. Or maybe they just look peach, it’s hard to say.

Helpful Tip #3: If peach is not your color, use a browny lip liner about 1-2 shades darker than your skin, overdraw your lips a little, and fill in the outer edges with the liner before applying the lipstick. This will make your lips stand out more and avoid the dead-head look. For a demonstration of this technique see this video:

You can find a complete commentary on lipstick application here: “HELP! I’VE EATEN A TUBE OF LIPSTICK!” 4 TECHNIQUES TO KEEP YOUR LIPSTICK STAY ON.

Peach and Bronzer (or Beach-Gone-Wild)

The color peach (and its fuzz-y tag-a-long) doesn’t work well with snow. Sorry. If you add the summer sun, suntans, flower dresses, and peach flavored iced tea, you have a solid beach trend. Remember all the bronzer you loaded on your face a few years back? Break it out, baby, it’s going to get beachy. Add a peachy glittery shadow all over your lid, bronzer on your cheeks, and goopy coral lip gloss, and you are an instantaneous beach goddess (no matter what your kids/grandkids say).

Helpful Tip #4: Bronzer can get weird really fast. To avoid this, be sure to apply some under your jawline, décolleté, and on the highpoints on your forehead. Otherwise, it will look like you’ve been attacked by a flyby bronzer monster.

In truth, I cannot resist making fun of this color and the descriptor, FUZZ. Doesn’t that remind you of a pre-pubescent child running through fields with peach balloons in tow while singing, the hills are alive with the sound of music…? Sarcasm aside, some of you can wear peach, and some of you can add in hints of it without looking insane. My plug is to wait until summer and go for some gold/peach glitter to dazzle at the beach, but you do you.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

I would love to hear what other names they could’ve used instead of Peach Fuzz! How about Peach Cheeks? Cheeky Peach? What ideas do you have?

Everyone’s grief journey is their personal experience. There is no playbook you can buy or use as advice. Others’ tales help to verify our sanity. Others’ journeys help us grow our capacity for compassion for our compatriots in grief and for ourselves.

Still, when the call ends, the door closes behind the visitor, or the sympathy flowers die, we are on our own when it comes to losing our spouse, our partner, our soul mate, our co-conspirator in life.

It’s Simply Life

Life is lovely; the contours are worn smooth with familiarity. Our life is an expression of who we are. It is the nexus of our family, the people we know, and those we love; we bring them in. Our life is made of that which brings joy in the doing. The resolution of the little pains and the jolts of what scares us, we face it, it folds in, and we step forward.

The dents and worn paint are only visible sometimes. Life is what we have done, what we are doing, and what we will do someday. We are safe, cared for, and deeply loved. We are content. This is the timeline of our life – all there is. It never ends until it does.

And Then It Is No Longer

Abruptly, a tectonic shift ungrounds us. We stumble and cry out in pain as we are banged, tossed and turned, and emptied. This shift comes out of nowhere, or it certainly arrives way too early.

The mercy of anesthetic coats us from within, numbing us from the acuity of a pain awaiting us on the receiving line of this grief. We may laugh at a joke someone says or discover that we have eaten a half sandwich placed before us. We say yes, and we say no, and the clock keeps moving, and the tent of numbness lies heavy. Still, we want a blanket, a sweater, something to protect us from the coldness that seeps in through the cracks and broken seams of our temporary shelter.

In time, far too short a time, the numbness begins to wear off; there is this queer sensation of not being quite right, feeling backward, awkward, not being able to do things correctly. There is no longer an up or down, this way, that way, a when, a where, a why. There exists no signal or light to aim for. As in war, all road signs have been removed, we are in enemy territory, and the horizon line is gone.

We may be standing like Lot’s wife, rigid in the salt of tears, on the floor, two-dimensionally flattened, keening, or utterly mute, for there is no tongue that speaks the language of what is happening. There is no hand to touch to reaffirm a connection to reality. Everything is unrecognizable.

Everything that was you has been redacted.

There is no way to know about the passage of time. We have no way to measure the second versus the year. Now needs a context. What we know as now, in our language, is what was. There is the casting of false shadows.

Yet, Time Passes

In a millennium of heartbeats or a single breath, the incremental, inevitable crawl begins out of the primordial ooze. A new shape of life takes form. This primal urge is the progenitor of ineffable despair. Consciousness lifts a corner of itself and gives us a feel of the violent desecration that has taken place.

Sometimes, surrendering to what is not enlightenment; it is exhaustion. My surrender was seven months into the Covid shutdown; it was seven months of walking in the Shadowlands. Losing my person while living in a foreign place during a pandemic was precisely as you would think it would be.

Where Is Everybody?

What was not expected is the attrition of my people.

It is so odd that a movie of exquisite execution would attract thousands to go witness the character’s suffering. It will be a force and have a gravitational pull so that people willingly come to see, feel, and be astounded by the tribulations of the hero.

Yet in our drama, there is a stampede for the door after the last casserole is dropped on the table; the table you spent hours at, in laughter, grand debate, and deep connection.  

There exists an inability of so many to sit still, say little, and do nothing other than perhaps touch a hand, just letting the pain flow out.

This quote was given to me three years and six months in. I wish I could have had it in Week One to explain what I needed.

Sitting Still in Grief

The griever’s friends’ to-go bag would have beads on a string to thumb, duct tape to stop unnecessary words, a poem or phrase memorized to meditate upon it, and tissues. Words and expectations, assumptions, and the sense of your knowing, your understanding are left at the door. Being the attendant with stillness in the presence of grief will be the most challenging job you ever do and the most important gift you can give.

It is not easy to be a witness and not be a player. It is not meant to be easy. If you are not able to stand witness, then be brave enough, kind enough, loving enough to give words to this inability, have one moment of courage, and ask for forgiveness owed to this debt of friendship. Lovingly believe it is not forever. Send texts. We all must own our limitations.

The Healing Time Is Slow

The healing journey meanders through different landscapes that slope down and rise. Healing time is not made of hours, days, months, or years. Healing time is a process. There is no protocol to follow and no stages to complete. Healing time is the entity of nerve-wracking patience, quiet permissions, the soft air of forgiveness, and the sweet light of grace. Healing time is when anger and excoriating pain may have a full voice. All the elements need to be felt many times and respected in each iteration of existence.

Life on My Own

I miss the intimacy of proprietary touch. Not the familiarity building to passionate need but the soft ballet we danced together, unaware of the choreography we had created. That smooth shift of our bodies, with his hands on my hips so he can slip in next to me to get the keys.

The no-sunset permissive step into my personal space, warm breath stirring the hair on my neck as he gently moves me aside so he can finish the dishes as promised. The absolute belief in my core that when he says it will be alright, it will be.

For the three years and seven months since my husband died, he has been a presence, a comforting weight displacing air, causing the sensation of him being in the next room. I just now realized I no longer feel him around me. He is not in the other room, he is not coming through the door, he is not coming home.

You may also want to read THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF GRIEF.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

How did your grief unfold? Has it taken specific time to heal, or does grief take you unawares? Do you still feel your deceased one’s presence – or has it been gone for some time?

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Originally posted at: Venita Aspen’s Pink Embellished Tweed Dress