Month: January 2024

Photo: @giggly.squad

Originally posted at: Paige DeSorbo’s Pink Turtleneck Sweater

When my son, now in his late 30s, was about five years old, he made a remark that has stayed with me ever since. He had gone through a stage, thankfully brief, when he would pee unexpectedly, leaving a small visible stain on his trousers.

I asked him, I suspect with some exasperation, couldn’t he tell when it was coming? “No, Mum,” he said, “it is kind of like an ambush.”

He hit the nail on the head. Our bodies do ambush us all the time – from childhood right on up. We don’t see it coming.

The Struggle with Our Bodies

It starts as early as any of us can remember – we ran too fast on a pavement, we climbed that tree and, all of a sudden, we found ourselves on the ground and in pain.

From small scrapes to broken limbs, we learned early on that our bodies could be a nuisance and did not behave as we had planned.

Not to mention the many childhood diseases. I got absolutely all of them – measles, German measles, even Scarlet Fever, which was very serious in those days. I have a number of chicken pox scars to remind me of that particular bout.

And, of course, numerous colds and flus that came and went, as I mixed with other children at school.

Our teens and beyond brought an even bigger ambush – the menstrual period. It arrived when we least wanted it and, for some of us, on no particular schedule. We waited for it to come and, at some point, worried when it did not. Or, we wanted children and worried when it did.

We have all spent some hours over the course of our lives thinking about what was or was not happening down there. With no control.

Older Bodies

Of course, as we grew older, we were subject to large numbers of potential illnesses. Many of us have been through one or another life-threatening disease and many of us have lost friends through this route.

I lost a good friend to one of the worse scourges of our time, HIV/AIDS and, with his help, wrote a book about people living with AIDS and HIV.

And things only get worse as we age. “Old age is not for sissies,” they say, and they are right. Our bodies ambush us in one way after another.

The older we become, the more prone we are to serious illnesses that stop us in our tracks. We cannot hear or see as well as we used to, we can no longer run as fast as we would like, if we can run at all. And even the problem my then five-year-old son experienced rears its annoying head.

Some of us, although presumably not those reading here, lose our minds, bit by bit, to one kind of dementia or another. This is an ambush like no other – not part of anyone’s life plan.

Attitudes

How do you feel about all these events taking place within your own body? Do you quietly accept that this is part of being human and we should struggle through with dignity? Do you feel it is part of God’s plan?

Or do you, like me, rail against them? I have been amazingly healthy all my adult life, as was my father. And, like him, I get enormously angry when my body lets me down. How dare it not do what I want it to? Who gave it permission to succumb to a cold or flu or worse?

Yes, I know this makes no sense. I should accept each challenge as it arises. It is part of life’s rich tapestry. You are doubtless made of stronger stuff.

My husband says I will be indignant on my death bed – and it may well be true. I will let you know.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What was the worst health problem you experienced in your life? Do you accept these challenges as part of the human condition or do you rail against them? Please share your attitude in the comments below.

It happens all the damn time and you’re probably not even aware of it. Or you are aware of it, but you’ve just accepted it as a way of life.

Your boss just ‘assumes’ you’re going to work late… even though you already made plans.

Your ex texts you, saying how sad he is, although you asked him to quit contacting you.

Your adult daughter hangs up on you when she gets a call from a friend.

At this point in your life, when you’re working to move on after your divorce, you may have just accepted the fact that people are going to walk all over you, treat you like a doormat, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Doormat? I Don’t Think So!

If you’re tired of being treated like a doormat, keep on reading. I’m going to show you how to easily stand up for yourself and show people how to treat you with the respect you deserve.

But first, we’ve got to talk about some ugly truths. They’re hard to read, but you need to know them.

Ugly Truth #1: We Were Conditioned to Be ‘Nice’ and to Not Make a Scene

During childhood, adolescence, and adulthood you were often told to play nice, to be ‘well-behaved,’ and to not make a big deal out of something. Society was conditioning you to be okay with not having your voice heard.

Little by little, you were taught to accept the fact that people could walk all over you and take advantage of you. You were being conditioned to think it was socially unacceptable or ‘bad’ to voice your opinion that something was wrong, or that you didn’t like something.

Now, looking back, many of us realize that being ‘nice’ and being ‘the good girl’ meant that we had our voice taken from us.

It’s infuriating, isn’t it?

Ugly Truth #2: We Were Not Raised to Establish Strong Boundaries

One consequence of being raised to be ‘nice’ and not make a scene is that plenty of people – whether it was your ex, your family, your kids, your friends, your coworkers – probably asked too much of you, intruded in personal business, or took advantage of you.

And since you were never given the tools to say, “No,” or “I’m not comfortable with that decision,” you never understood how to establish strong boundaries for yourself. It was like the concept never even existed.

Healthy boundaries are critical for establishing your confidence… but many of us were never taught that we had a right to boundaries and to say “no.”

Ugly Truth #3: Society Taught Us That Our Needs Didn’t Matter

Many of us over the age of 50 have felt this insidious pressure to be the perfect wife and the perfect mother. Even as early as elementary school, I remember teachers saying, “Well, you’re certainly a headstrong little girl, aren’t you? None of the boys will like you if you’re so stubborn and loud.”

This probably happened to you as well – whenever you proclaimed that something wasn’t fair or got angry that you didn’t get what you wanted.

But that constant failure to acknowledge the things you wanted, even when you were little, conditioned you to think that what you wanted – even what you needed – was never a priority.

This is why so many of us have a hard time advocating for ourselves. Then we go and blame ourselves for not knowing how to do it.

It usually takes some life-shattering event, like a divorce, to wake us up.

So, think of that divorce as a blessing in disguise, because now you’re presented with an opportunity to find your voice and reverse course on the disrespect.

I want you to take everything you’ve been taught about “not making a scene” and “being nice so that people don’t think you’re a witch…” and throw it in the trash. Because your newest challenge is here.

Take the “Not a Doormat” Challenge

The next time you sense that someone is about to walk all over you, do the following:

• Ask yourself: Do I feel comfortable with doing this? Is this something that inconveniences me?
• Ask yourself: What’s in it for me?
• If there’s nothing in it for you, don’t do it.
• Remind yourself that your needs matter, too.
• Communicate your boundaries.
• Communicate your expectations moving forward.

As a heads-up, the people who treat you like a doormat may push back a little when you stand up for yourself. They may call you selfish, whine, or ask, “What’s wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?”

When you get such a reaction, remember that it has nothing to do with you. This negativity simply manifests the fact that they cannot handle your new strength.

People who are worthy of your time and attention will adjust to your new voice. And if they cannot or will not, you don’t need them in your life. It’s as simple as that.

As you navigate the next chapter in your life, always remember: You deserve better. You deserve to have your voice heard. You deserve to have your needs communicated. Your voice matters. You matter. Don’t let anybody try to convince you otherwise.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What steps will you take to find your voice and communicate that you will no longer be treated like a doormat? Please share your stories and any tips that have worked for you.

Buckle up ladies, this is a story and a half!!! I had two dates with a guy named Bob, which may or may not be his real name! We met on Match and talked on the phone before we met in real life. The conversation was fun so off we went.

We met for lunch, and I wasn’t impressed when I saw him wearing a pair of semi-work jeans, t-shirt, and tennis shoes. I was in jeans, but looked casually cute, which means I made an effort.

Surprisingly, We Had a Blast

The conversation was good, we had tons in common, and there was chemistry even though he didn’t dress to impress. He asked me if there would be a second date, and I responded, “Yes, if you promise to wear a collared shirt.” I didn’t mean to say that. It simply slipped out, and I apologized for it later.

He admitted that he didn’t know how to dress and asked me if I would go shopping with him.

“Absolutely, that would be fun,” I replied.

The next weekend we spent eight hours together. We didn’t go shopping but had dinner, went wine tasting, and then back to my house. No sex, but we did get cozy. I really liked him because our core values aligned, and we could talk about anything. There was never a lull in the conversation, and we laughed and had a good time.

Neither one of us said it specifically, but we both felt that we were going to give this a chance to develop into something special.

And Then the Other Shoe Dropped

Bob called me the next week and told me he wanted to talk about some things. “I want to be honest with you,” he said. That scared me because I thought maybe he was married.

No, he wasn’t married. Instead, he was a jerk. He told me, at great length, how much more comfortable I would feel if I lost some weight. And how all the women he dated were fit, and how I should join him for his workouts with his trainer, and on and on. What????? This was a first for me.

I ended the conversation, and five minutes later sent him a text telling him if he didn’t like who I was today, we weren’t as good of a fit as I thought we were, and I wished him luck. I’m always polite when I end things because I know how small the dating world is.

Fast Forward to the Next Week

So, the next week I’m out with girlfriends and share this story because it’s too hilarious not to. And of course, I got the expected, ‘what a jerk’ reaction. A little later in the conversation, my single friend tells me she has a date for the upcoming weekend.

I’m happy for her and ask her what she likes about the man. We live in Missouri, and she tells me that one interesting thing they have in common is that they both own rental property in Waco, Texas. Then I ask, “What’s his name?” And you guessed it, his name is Bob, and he is the same man who told me I was fat.

I shared that aloud, and the table erupted in laughter. To make sure, my friend described him and told me what she knew about him and yep, it was him. What are the chances that this could ever happen?? St. Louis, Missouri isn’t a huge metropolitan area, but it is the 20^th largest city in the United States. Talk about a Casablanca moment.

I was so happy I ended things nicely because there is nothing negative he could say about me when they meet. I was glad too that I could warn my friend, but I felt bad for her.

Even though she was happy to know how judgmental he was ahead of time, I was sad for her. First dates are so hopeful. You hope you like the man, and for her that question was answered before they even met. She’s thinner than I am, maybe it will be okay for her.

You Have to Know What You’re Looking for

In order to meet a man who is perfect for you, you must be willing to walk away if someone isn’t a good fit. You will always be enough for the right man. Dating men who don’t treat you well is simply a waste of time, and keeps you too busy to find Mr. Right. And that’s a recipe for an unhappy love life.

My friend is keeping her date with Bob for the fun of it. She’s a firecracker so I wish I was a fly on the wall to listen in. I’m doing an interview with her after her date as a wrap up to this love lesson so be sure to join my email list here if you want to watch it.

As far as me, yes it hurt a pinch, but I won’t even remember his name in another week. I’m open and ready to find love anywhere that takes me, and that’s what I want for you too. Love only blooms in an open heart.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Have you ever dated the same man as one of your friends? What did you think when you learned about it? What about dating someone who proved to be insensitive and judgmental toward your weight or some other quality?