Month: February 2024

Estrangement within families is a deeply painful and complex phenomenon, often leaving both parties grappling with feelings of hurt, confusion, and loss. For those who find themselves estranged from loved ones, the question of whether reconciliation is possible looms large. Is estrangement a permanent state, or can it be resolved? In this blog post, we delve into this question, drawing insights from research and exploring the possibilities for healing and reconciliation.

Understanding the Dynamics of Estrangement

Before delving into whether estrangement can end, it’s essential to understand the dynamics at play. Estrangement can arise from a myriad of reasons, including unresolved conflicts, misunderstandings, differing values or lifestyles, and emotional trauma. Each family’s situation is unique, and the reasons behind estrangement are profoundly personal and multifaceted.

Exploring the Potential for Reconciliation

While estrangement can feel like an insurmountable barrier, research suggests that reconciliation is often possible. However, the journey towards healing and reconciliation is only sometimes straightforward and may require time, effort, and a willingness to address underlying issues.

Factors That Influence Resolution

Several factors can influence the likelihood of estrangement being resolved. Effective communication, empathy, and a commitment to understanding each other’s perspectives are essential for reconciliation. Additionally, acknowledging past mistakes, taking responsibility for one’s actions, and offering genuine apologies can pave the way for healing.

The worst of estrangement is abuse and its damaging long-term effects. For those who endured abusive and toxic behaviors at the hands of a family member, the decision to cut off is one of self-preservation. In such cases, where abuse remains, it is not advisable to attempt reentering a harmful relationship.

The Role of Boundaries and Self-Care

In some cases, estrangement may be necessary for an individual’s well-being, serving as a form of self-preservation. Establishing healthy boundaries and prioritizing self-care are crucial aspects of navigating estrangement, whether reconciliation is on the horizon.

Seeking Support

For those navigating estrangement, seeking support from friends, family members, or mental health professionals can be invaluable. Support groups and therapy provide a safe space to process emotions, gain insights, and explore options for moving forward.

Conclusion: Hope for Healing

While estrangement can feel overwhelming and painful, it’s essential to remember that there is hope for healing and reconciliation. Families can work towards resolving conflicts and rebuilding fractured relationships by fostering open communication, empathy, and understanding. While reconciliation may not be possible in every case, the journey toward healing is deeply personal, and every step taken toward understanding and empathy brings us closer to resolution.

In conclusion, while whether estrangement ever ends may not have a definitive answer, the possibilities for healing and reconciliation are vast. By approaching estrangement with compassion, openness, and a willingness to listen, families can navigate the complexities of estrangement and find paths toward resolution.

Are you experiencing Estrangement? Download my FREE eBook on the topic, Feeling Heartbroken and Alone?

Also read NURTURING BONDS: A GUIDE FOR PARENTS OVER 60 ON FORGIVENESS, BOUNDARIES, AND ADULT CHILD ESTRANGEMENT.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What are your thoughts on the length of estrangement? What steps have you taken to improve your well-being or prepare for a possible relationship repair?

If you thought dealing with money issues can be tricky in a marriage, it’s way more difficult in a remarriage. In a marriage, you have two people from different backgrounds with different approaches to money.

In remarriage, you also have the added dimension of dealing with existing relationships from previous unions, such as kids and an ex-spouse, besides a different relationship to money. Here is the story about Dan and Joan.

Dan and Joan

Dan was terminally ill. His wife of 20 years, Joan, was angry that he wanted to leave his assets to his three adult children from a first marriage. His rationale was that Joan was a high-income earner and did not ‘need’ his money.

Her rationale was that his children were all financially independent, and being with him for 20 years, she felt she was entitled to his assets. And there was still a balance owing on the mortgage, which she would now have to be solely responsible for after his death.

Financial Shadows

A sense of divided loyalties is one of the few issues that often arise in a remarriage, which may not be relevant in a first marriage. Remarriages often come with the added challenge of financial “shadows” from previous relationships.

The financial “shadow” I am referring to includes alimony payments, child support, insurance beneficiaries, joint accounts, etc. The following are some of the things you need to address before getting into a committed relationship.

The Kids

People who remarry when their children are adults may be well established and want to keep their finances separate from their partners.

How a couple approaches their finances will be significantly influenced by the children’s ages when the couple decides to get together and by different parenting styles: one may believe in helping their children, even when they become adults. The other may value independence.

One partner may be having to pay child support, whereas the other may not even have had any children. Some people decide to leave their jointly owned home to their partner upon death but leave their investments to their children.

Assets and Liabilities

Decide if you want to combine your resources. And how far. Will you establish new joint accounts? How willing are you to pay off your partner’s existing debts?

Both parties may not be at the same level of financial health when they enter a new relationship. One may enter with a great deal more assets than the other. One may be coming in with a massive debt load.

What if you each own a home? If only one of you owns your own home, will you add your new partner to the title? Will you expect them to add funds to it?

Financial Implications

What happens if you decide to refinance the home in the future? And the proceeds from the refinance are used to purchase a joint asset? How would you feel about commingling your assets like an inheritance from your parents?

If you buy a house and register the title as ‘joint with rights of survivorship’ with your new spouse, the house automatically transfers to him upon your death. Did you want that? What happens when he dies? What about your children? Will the proceeds go to his children?

Wills made in previous relationships need to be updated. What financial obligations does your new spouse have to their previous marriage(s)? Do they have to give up a substantial portion of their pensions to their exes?

Are they separated or divorced? There are different implications for each.

What are your financial goals, individually and as a couple? A new relationship allows for new dreams. With about half of marriages ending in divorce, as you settle into the second half of your life, you realize different considerations when entering marriage again.

The last thing you want is to have built your wealth on good financial habits only to have it taken down by someone loaded with debt. As uncomfortable as it may seem, you must schedule a time for a money conversation with your future partner.

Please don’t wait till after you are married to address them. It’s essential to understand where your partner stands on various issues to uncover your financial compatibility.

Communication and transparency are key. Discuss your values, goals, and hopes for yourselves and each other. How do you want to manage your finances in alignment with these? Remarriage is a second shot at getting it right. Please don’t blow it!

An excellent resource for dealing with money issues in a remarriage, is Patricia Schiff Estess’ book Money Advice for Your Successful Remarriage: Handling Delicate Financial Issues Intelligently and Lovingly.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Are you considering a remarriage? Have you had a financial conversation with your partner? What best practices did you establish? If you had to give advice to other women who are about to remarry, what would it be?

I was in my early 50s when I went to South Korea to visit my daughter who was teaching English at Yeugnam University in Taegu. 

We were invited to the home of the head of her department and served soju, a drink guaranteed to make you believe you’re the smartest primate on the planet until you try to stand up. I focused all my concentration on walking a straight line to their car, trying not to embarrass myself or my daughter, and we were whisked away to a famous fish restaurant for dinner.

Blowfish is poisonous. It must be expertly prepared for consumption so as not to prove lethal. We were seated on cushions on the floor in a private room at a table that appeared to be far too large for the four of us until the food started coming. Our honorable host had ordered in advance. We had raw blowfish soup, blowfish tempura, and blowfish sashimi. That aquatic menace was also served to us steamed and deep-fried. But the ultimate test, the one I willed my stomach not to reject, was blowfish skin salad.

Of course, there were side dishes, too many to count, and every morsel on that table was offered to me. I’d done my homework on cultural dos and don’ts and knew better than to decline. Throughout a sleepless night, my stomach gurgled and churned but I survived. The next day we were scheduled for lunch with one of the students my daughter tutored.

The Importance of Appearance

The girl’s mother was 39 and stunning. Her skin had the flawless perfection of an airbrushed photograph. We were barely seated in the restaurant when she began a conversation about the importance of appearance. I was shocked to learn that she had already had multiple cosmetic surgeries. She turned to me and frowned. “You should, too,” she said.

I may have stammered a response, but my internal dialogue was far more memorable. Who? Me? People are surprised when I tell them my age. They think I’m ten years younger. I like the crinkles around my eyes and the laugh lines. Cosmetic surgery? Really? Never!

I have no clue what we had for lunch.

The Face Is What the World Sees and Judges

We learn early on how to smile at the appropriate times, regulate the emotions that want to contort our features, apply enhancements to accentuate the positive whether it be mascara to showcase exotic eyes, or lipstick. 

As years passed, I didn’t give that episode much thought other than a story now and then to entertain friends. 

But now, when I look in the mirror, the person who stares back is almost a stranger to me. After 60, changes happen fast. The body can be dressed, disguised, and hidden. But there seems to be no way to mentally prepare for the way time morphs a face. 

In the remote farming community where I’ve come to retire, I’m surrounded by an elderly population. Creased and leathery from hard work in all kinds of weather, any exposed skin wears age like a badge of honor. No one would dream of going under the knife to chase youth. But what if I worked in a metropolitan area? What if I still had my interior design studio and high-profile clients? How tempted would I be to erase the ravages of time as much as possible? 

Changes Are Inevitable and Accepting Them Is Freeing

I admire women who are still going strong in the workplace well into their 60s and 70s. Whatever they decide to do to retain their power and vitality in a social system where youth is deified, is a decision only they can make. I can’t say for certain what I would do if I were competing with women half my age for a position in the job market.

But, at some point, isn’t it time to relax, take off the mask, and embody who we have become? I’ve found immense freedom in being exactly who I am, saying what I mean, and doing what I want without worrying about what all that looks like. I’ve come to terms with the unglamorous transformations happening to my body, and I’ve (somewhat grudgingly) accepted the time-worn face in my mirror. 

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Have you come to accept the wrinkles and lines? Or have you decided to go the plastic surgery route? Is there wisdom in either choice?