Month: May 2024

Photo: @lisahochstein

Originally posted at: Lisa Hochstein’s Pink Mesh Midi Dress

Here for More Stock / Here for Even More Stock / Here for Even More Stock

Photo: @rhoc_emilysimpson

Originally posted at: Emily Simpson’s Orange One Shoulder Dress

It starts as just another typical morning. After completing your regular daily chores, you sit down to enjoy your customary cup of coffee alongside your husband of 45 years. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he drops a bombshell. He turns to you and announces, “I’m leaving you. I have met someone else, and I want a divorce.” The words hang in the air, shocking and unexpected, turning a mundane morning into a pivotal moment in your life.

All sorts of thoughts and fears flash through your mind, Why now? What did I do wrong? Experiencing loneliness and rejection at any age is devastating; however, when it happens later in life, it can be profound and multifaceted, affecting emotional, social, financial, and physical aspects of life.

Initial Shock and Emotional Turbulence

Initially, the shock of hearing that a long-term partner wants a divorce can leave you feeling destabilised and disoriented. After decades of marriage, the sudden prospect of ending this integral relationship is not just a logistical challenge but a severe emotional rupture. 

Grief and Loss

The departure of a long-term partner is akin to experiencing a significant loss, like a bereavement. Grief can encompass not only the partner’s loss but also your shared dreams and plans for the future.

Betrayal and Rejection

Feeling betrayed or rejected by someone who was a central part of life for nearly half a century can lead to intense emotional turmoil. These feelings can undermine self-esteem and self-worth.

Loneliness

You suddenly find yourself alone after decades of companionship, which can lead to profound loneliness. The daily interactions, shared experiences, and even the simple presence of another person are abruptly gone.

Changes in Social Structure

Couples often share friends and social networks. Unfortunately, this may become complicated or strained after a breakup. You might find yourself isolated or needing to navigate social settings that were once comfortable but are now painful or awkward. You may also have to navigate the new family dynamic of holidays and get-togethers.

Financial Impact

Dividing assets after so long can be complex and stressful. Significant lifestyle changes might occur if one spouse primarily depends on the other financially. The financial strategies set for retirement based on two people may no longer be viable, necessitating new plans for economic security and possibly delaying retirement.

Physical and Mental Health Impact

The stress when a long relationship ends can have significant physical effects, including sleep disturbances, changes in appetite, and increased susceptibility to illness. Increased risk of depression and anxiety is common, mainly as the situation forces an individual to reassess life at a stage when they expected stability rather than upheaval.

How to Rebuild and Move Forward – A Client’s Story

These feelings of loneliness and rejection remind me of a client of mine.

My client was a lovely lady in her 60s who came to me for therapy after her husband of many years walked out on her.

My client was obviously in shock. She admitted that she knew things weren’t perfect in her marriage, but she never thought for one moment that they would ever divorce.

Just as we have discussed earlier, my client was experiencing feelings of great loneliness and rejection. She admitted, like a lot of other wives in her position, that it would have been easier if he had died, and she could mourn like any other widow. However, this was a different grief; her ex-husband was alive and well and living a life with someone else. The pain of rejection was so raw.

The Therapeutic Setting

My first step as a therapist was to validate these feelings and provide a safe space for my client to grieve and express her anger. Acknowledging the pain and validating a client’s experience is crucial, allowing them to process their feelings without judgment. Therapy might also focus on coping mechanisms to help manage the immediate emotional crisis, such as mindfulness techniques, journaling, or simply offering a listening ear.

A Guide to Recover Strength and Confidence After a Breakup

The following is a THREE-STEP plan to rebuild and move forward:

Identify Common Causes of Loneliness and Rejection

A significant contributor to my client’s feelings of loneliness and rejection was her lack of a driver’s license, which made her dependent on family members for transportation. This dependency often left her feeling isolated and disconnected from others. Fortunately, she made the empowering decision to take driving lessons, realising that learning new skills and gaining more independence is always possible.

The Power of Self-Reflection

Identifying activities that resonate with your current lifestyle after a divorce is a valuable process that can help rebuild your sense of self and enhance your quality of life. Divorce can be particularly disruptive, leaving you to redefine personal happiness and fulfilment on your terms.

Often, marriage and life responsibilities lead us to put personal interests on the back burner. Reflect on what activities brought you joy before or during marriage. Maybe you loved to paint, play an instrument, or were once an avid hiker. Consider revisiting these passions.

My client was a fantastic artist in her younger days. For the first time in many years, she could fulfil her lifetime ambition of going back to college to study fine arts. This decision not only allowed her to enjoy her gift but also allowed her to meet a whole new network of people.

It’s also beneficial to embrace solitude and find peace and contentment in your own company. Divorce can be a transformative experience. This transition period offers an opportunity to cultivate a deeper relationship with oneself, which is crucial for personal growth and emotional resilience.

Finding peace and contentment in solitude after a divorce involves nurturing oneself, cultivating personal interests, and maintaining connections with others. This journey towards embracing solitude is not about isolation but about discovering and appreciating one’s own company.

Practical Tips for Everyday Confidence

Setting small, achievable goals can be a powerful strategy to regain control and purpose. Small, daily goals not only provide structure but also contribute to significant long-term achievements.

Maintaining physical and mental health after a divorce is crucial. Divorce can be a significant emotional drain, often leading to stress and neglect of one’s well-being. Engaging in self-care helps cope with the immediate impacts of such a life change and build a foundation for a healthier, happier future. 

Conclusion

Navigating the complex emotions of loneliness and rejection in later life is undoubtedly a formidable challenge, yet it also presents a remarkable opportunity for personal growth and rejuvenation. My client’s experience is a testament to this, as she went on to lead a healthy, productive life after her divorce, emerging more confident and self-assured than ever.

The good news is that this path is open to you as well. Trust in yourself – remember, it’s never too late to learn new things or meet new people, regardless of age. With each new habit you form and every goal you achieve, you, too, can thrive and rediscover joy in this new chapter of your life.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you feel lonely? What causes your loneliness? What would it take for you to rediscover new ways to beat your loneliness?

Gabby Prescod’s Pink Graphic Sweatshirt / Summer House Season 8 Episode 13 Fashion

Amanda Batula must have rubbed off on Gabby Prescod because tonight on Summer House Gabby is wearing the same pink graphic sweatshirt that Amanda had on in episode 1. That just goes to show that its a solid staple of comfort and cuteness. And even though the exact sweatshirt is sold out, I bet you’ll still find your Perfect Match in the Style Stealers.

Sincerely Stylish,

Jess

Also Seen on Amanda Batula

Originally posted at: Gabby Prescod’s Pink Graphic Sweatshirt

Life at 60 and beyond is a unique chapter filled with wisdom and the potential for tremendous personal growth. Yet, it comes with its own set of challenges.

We’re experiencing all kinds of loss unique to this life stage – aging bodies, cherished dreams, careers, the illness and death of loved ones (human and animal), estrangement from adult children, relationship endings, and declining health – to name but a few possibilities.

And, we’re often living in the emotional liminal spaces that tend to accompany life transitions.

Maybe, like many women these days, you’re thinking about shifting from retirement to reinvention but don’t know where to start. Or perhaps you have retired, but your “life of leisure” isn’t as enjoyable or satisfying as you thought it would be.

Plus, it’s all taking place against a backdrop of growing older as a woman in an anti-aging culture. Which is no walk in the park.

Let’s be honest. It can be stressful.

My life transitions over the last 10 years have provided plenty of growth opportunities – my husband’s retirement, his chronic leukemia and other health issues, a highly stressful move followed by the COVID-19 pandemic, and moving my parents into assisted living last year.

Today, I’m researching long-term care facilities for my parents, as they have both been officially diagnosed with dementia and are deteriorating fast. It’s heartbreaking.

As we navigate this stage of life, a resilient spirit is a valuable asset, empowering us to weather life’s storms and thrive. That’s why I’m constantly researching ways to cultivate resilience so we can live our “third act” with some measure of grace, joy, and ever-deepening purpose.

According to luminaries in psychology and some of my favorite teachers, here are 10 proven ways to flourish.

Practice Self-Compassion

Acknowledge that perfection is unattainable and be kind to yourself in times of struggle. Treat yourself like you would treat a good friend.

Researcher Kristin Neff, Ph.D., is recognized as one of the most influential scholars in the field of psychology. Her latest book, Fierce Self-Compassion, shows women how to balance tender self-acceptance with fierce action to claim their power.

Along with her colleague Dr. Chris Germer, Dr. Neff co-founded the nonprofit Center for Mindful Self-Compassion (CMSC) in 2015. It’s a tremendous resource, and its purpose is defined as “to alleviate human suffering and to improve the collective wellbeing of our world through the practice of self-compassion.”

Embrace Lifelong Learning

Foster adaptability, curiosity, and a growth mindset. Learn new skills, explore diverse interests, and stay intellectually engaged.

After years of dedicated research, the esteemed psychologist Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D. from Stanford University, unveiled a revolutionary concept: the influence of mindset. Her insightful work illuminates how we think about our skills and capabilities and impacts our achievements in nearly every facet of life.

People who harbor a fixed mindset are less likely to thrive compared to those embracing a growth mindset, recognizing that talents can be nurtured and expanded. Learn more in the updated version of Dr. Dweck’s book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.

Build a Supportive Network

Surround yourself with a diverse, supportive network of friends, family, and mentors. A robust support system provides emotional sustenance during difficult times and promotes personal empowerment.

Research professor and multiple New York Times best-selling author Brené Brown, Ph.D., wrote, “If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.” In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, she provides 10 guideposts to wholehearted living, showing us how to choose authenticity and worthiness.

Also, science shows platonic friendships are crucial to shaping who we are and becoming our happiest selves. In her recent book, psychologist Marisa Franco, Ph.D., provides a clear and actionable blueprint for forging solid and lasting connections with others using the insights of attachment theory. Read Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make – and Keep – Friends to learn how.

Nurture Holistic Wellbeing

The path to wellbeing is not one-size-fits-all. We all have unique journeys, experiences, and challenges that shape our lives. Our biology, personality, and environment determine what wellbeing means to us individually.

A holistic approach includes physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health and is essential for resilience. Hormone management, exercise, nutrition for brain health, sleep, and mindset contribute to a solid foundation for facing challenges.

New York Times bestselling author of The Female Brain and neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine, MD, is always on the cutting edge of scientific research into the female experience.

In her most recent book, she writes about how, in menopause, women’s brains are reshaped for the better in a way that creates new power, a bracing clarity, and a laser-like sense of purpose if you know how to seize it.

Read The Upgrade: How the Female Brain Gets Stronger and Better in Midlife and Beyond to learn more.

Cultivate Emotional Fitness

We experience emotions our entire lives, but emotional fitness is not something we are born with. Our parents and caretakers are the first guides who show us how our emotions work and what to do with them. When we find it challenging to deal with our emotions once we’ve reached adulthood, it may be because we’ve never actually been taught how.

Clinical psychologist Nick Wignall, Ph.D., writes “The Friendly Mind,” a free email newsletter sharing tools, resources, and advice for improving your emotional health and wellbeing. Read his free helpful guide, The Case for Emotional Fitness.

Practice Mindfulness and Stress Reduction

Incorporate mindfulness practices into your daily routine, such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or yoga. Mindfulness promotes calm and focus, reducing stress and providing clarity in everyday life and when facing hard times.

Wise elder Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D. is professor emeritus of medicine at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, where he founded its world-renowned Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) Clinic in 1979 and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society (CFM), in 1995.

His website is a treasure trove of resources for cultivating mindfulness. His book Wherever You Go, There You Are lives on my nightstand.

Foster a Positive Internal Narrative

Challenge negative self-talk and nurture optimism. A positive and supportive self-narrative means that you believe in yourself. You believe in your ability to recover from setbacks, adapt to change, and keep going in the face of adversity.

Martin Seligman, Ph.D., is a leading authority in positive psychology, resilience, learned helplessness, depression, optimism, and pessimism. He is also a recognized authority on interventions that prevent depression and build strength and wellbeing. He’s written 30 books, and Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life is one of my favorites.

Engage in Personally Meaningful Activities

Find meaning and purpose in activities that align with your values. We can feel purposeful about things like family, friends, occupation, and health. However, volunteer work, creative pursuits, or involvement in community initiatives can also provide a sense of fulfillment, contributing to our resilience.

I highly recommend reading Man’s Search for Meaning by Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl, who founded logotherapy, a school of psychotherapy that describes a search for life’s meaning as the central human motivational force. I also recommend The Power of Meaning by Emily Esfahani Smith.

Set Realistic Goals

Establishing realistic and achievable goals promotes a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Break down larger tasks into smaller steps, celebrating milestones along the way. Goal setting builds confidence by creating a roadmap for success.

James Clear is a writer and speaker focused on habits, decision-making, and continuous improvement. He is the author of the #1 New York Times bestseller, Atomic Habits. The book has sold over 15 million copies worldwide and has been translated into over 50 languages. It’s the best book I’ve ever read on goal setting.

Seek Professional Guidance

When faced with significant life challenges, seeking professional guidance through coaching or therapy can be transformative. Helping professionals can provide tools and strategies to navigate difficulties, fostering emotional wellbeing and a resilient spirit.

Remember, embracing vulnerability and reaching out for help when needed is a sign of strength, not weakness. Read “How to Find a Great Therapist” by respected psychologist Nick Wignall.

If you’re interested in life coaching, this excellent article on the International Coaching Federation’s website explains What Coaching Is and Is Not.

Final Thoughts

The third act of life is truly the best and worst of times. And, as a friend recently reminded me, we can get stuff done and thrive despite the many obstacles life hurls our way.

So when life throws you a curveball, call on your resilience and move forward with as much grace as you can muster.

You can learn more about the books mentioned above by visiting the new How She Thrives online bookshop here.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What life transitions have you experienced in the past decade, and how have they impacted you? How do you cope with the emotional challenges of life’s inevitable losses and transitions? Do you have any advice for growing older as a woman in an anti-aging culture?