Month: May 2024

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Photo: @suttonstracke

Originally posted at: Sutton Stracke’s White Peplum Cardigan

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Photo: @paige_desorbo

Originally posted at: Paige DeSorbo’s Black Draped Asymmetric Dress

Summer stress! I know that summer is supposed to be easy, fun, relaxing. But if you’re like me, you continue to pack your schedule. We published a story about 10 years ago that is my go-to stress reliever, and it really works.

It’s by April Knight, who tells us that she was always nervous, even as a child. She would break out in hives over things other children seemed to take in stride.

April was desperately anxious to please people, and she was very critical of herself when something went wrong. When she was five and about to play in a piano recital, she got violently ill on the stage. And a few years later, during a school play, she got so nervous that she walked off the stage and took a nosedive into the audience.

April started avoiding any situation where she might fail, even normal social events. She worried that she would say the wrong thing, spill something, or make a fool of herself in some other way.

Of course, avoiding the world didn’t actually solve any problems for April. It just turned her into a lonely person who still worried about everything.

It’s Not the End of the World

Then, one day, April was walking to the store when she tripped over the curb and fell on her knee. An elderly man came to her aid, helped her up, and asked if she was hurt. Once he knew she was okay, he said something that changed April’s life: “Well, if you didn’t break your knees, then it isn’t the end of the world, is it? There’s no reason to be embarrassed. We all fall down sometimes. You’re okay now.”

Suddenly, everything was put in perspective for her. It wasn’t the end of the world. Nothing that had ever happened to her was the end of the world.

You may not feel this is relevant to you, if you’re not a world-class worrier like April was. But if you’re like me, and you worry about more normal things, like how you’re going to get all your work done, or what might go wrong on your vacation, or whether you are prepared for that meeting that’s coming up, then April’s next epiphany is for you.

April realized that virtually all the things she was worrying about hadn’t happened yet. They were all future possibilities, not even future probabilities.

Let It Go

That led April to do something really smart – something useful, do-able, and easy. She began writing down the things that were troubling her the most: debts, family problems, the funny noise her car was making. No matter how big or how small the problem was, she’d write it on a piece of paper and put the piece of paper in a box.

On the last day of the month, she’d open the box and read the list of problems she had anticipated might happen. April learned that most of those problems never became a reality, and if they did, they weren’t a big deal.

Over time, April found herself putting fewer and fewer notes into her “worry box,” and some months the box would stay empty. She still has the same thoughts about what might go wrong, but now she puts those worries in perspective. They’re not that big a deal. And as that wise old man pointed out, they’re not the end of the world.

Be Excited About What Could Go Right

I love this quote from bestselling author Dan Zadra, who knows a thing or two about getting a lot done in a short period of time: “Worry is a misuse of imagination.” That’s probably why he’s successful – he funnels all his energy into being creative and imagining what could go right, not spending his time on worrying.

I tell myself to adopt that attitude, and April’s strategy, all the time. I find that it really helps to reduce the number of things that I worry about, allowing me to focus on moving forward with enthusiasm instead of trepidation.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Are you narrowing your life because of anxiety about what could go wrong? Would you be willing to try a “worry box?” How often do you worry about something that is just possible, not probable?

Has something happened to make you lose confidence in your ability to navigate life situations? Have you had a setback that knocked the wind out of you, and you can’t seem to get it back? Maybe you have gone down that old familiar rabbit hole of second guessing yourself until you can’t make any decisions. It’s time to give yourself a dose of self-confidence.

I know you’ve heard of “fake it till you make it.” This phrase is a big turn off when talking about finances, for instance. It’s where people buy designer everything, from fancy cars to upscale clothing, and they have no money.

The movie Catch Me If You Can highlights a young con artist (Leonardo Di Caprio) as he fakes various professions. I’m not advocating faking it in this way.

In my article, faking it is not about faking ability, it’s about internal behavior or thinking. It’s how you picture yourself, talk to yourself, and how you can change the outcome of your life by changing a few of your internal views or posturing of yourself.

Self-Confidence

If you are at an all-time low in confidence, look back at situations and times where you had high confidence. What were you doing, and what did you look like then? Did you hold your head high when walking in a room? When you had challenges come your way, did you remind yourself that everything would be ok?

In her TedTalk, Your Body Language May Shape Who You Are, Amy Cuddy states that “we are influenced by our own nonverbals.” It’s the self-talk and nonverbal chatter that greatly affect outcomes we have today. How we stand, how we posture ourselves, what we say to ourselves internally all affect our self-confidence.

Her own story is fascinating. She was a brilliant academic student that was in a life altering car accident. Her injury affected her IQ, dropping many points, shaking her whole identity as an above average smart person. She shares how tiny tweaks inwardly and outwardly lead to big changes.

Going from feeling like “I don’t belong here,” to “I can do this” over and over resulted in her finally becoming it. Instead of fake it till you make it, she calls it, fake it until you become it. Stir up the confidence that you have hiding inside you by holding your head high and stating, “I’m tapping into the confidence that’s sleeping inside me! I can do this, and I will do this.”

The other day, when taking a walk, I began to think along these lines. Here’s how my self-talk went:

“Remember what it feels like to feel confident, Linda? Now, feel that feeling as if you are experiencing it right now. Feel confident and assured in life. You are safe and can hold your head up. You are worthy of feeling confident and happy.”

As I thought this way and talked to myself this way, I actually felt a jolt of confidence surge through me. Faking it, or just the simple act of remembering what it felt like when I was more confident, brought the confidence again. Something had knocked me off my game, and I needed to get my mindset right again. That jolt going through me helped me become it. It changed the outcome of my day and my week and very possibly my life.

Courage

I was in a corporate position where at times I would have to oversee meetings or lead a group. Inside, I didn’t want to do it! I never felt courageous or that I was smart enough to get in front of my colleagues and lead a meeting. But I did it. I summoned up my courage, got as prepared as possible, and delivered.

Was I courageous and strong? NO! But, as I continued in my job, I became better at it. At first, I was a big fake. Then I became it. Faking courage when needed can absolutely change the outcome of interactions. This can help you with your friends, family, or when called on to express any of your own opinions.

Courage can be summoned. You can rouse it from its slumber within you when you need it. But you need to get the mind set right and bring your internal talk into the positive realm instead of negative self-talk. You can do this.

Self-Love

Start by faking love for yourself. Stay with me here. What if, you began the day telling yourself that you love yourself, and no matter what, you are there for you. What if you started to treat yourself and talk to yourself as if you were your best friend?

Do this even when you don’t feel like it. Would you speak these words to your best friend? “Your hair looks like crap. You never say the right things. You are old and ugly. Today will be just as bad as yesterday. You have nothing to look forward to.” If you have a best friend, speaking that way to them will push them away!

You may never speak like this to someone else, but are you saying these things to yourself? Stir up some love in your heart for yourself. Stop the negative internal chatter about you. Start to treat yourself with love and kindness. Become your own best friend. Nurture yourself when the world brings conflict or sorrow. Be there for you, instead of giving up on you when making a mistake.

Leah McLaren writes her interesting and amusing story based on this quote: There’s only one path to thriving relationships with those you love: Pretend to be the person you want to be – until you almost are. The title of her article is, “How I Faked My Way to a Happy Marriage.”

She emphasizes outwardly acts of love and kindness toward someone, in this case, her husband, even when she may not feel it inside. Try it toward the special people in your life. As you do this, you may be surprised at the inner feelings that follow.

At one point in my life, I believed I was the biggest failure ever. I had to live in a hotel until I found a job. I had to go to an interview and sell myself for a job when my head swirled with thoughts that I wasn’t good enough. I had to stop berating myself for my mistakes and start to treat myself with the kindness my husband could not give me.

Not a Failure Anymore

Putting my best features forward, I made it through the interview and got the job. Did I feel like a fake? Yes. I kept thinking, If they only knew I was homeless, living in the hotel down the street, and getting a divorce from an abusive husband… I was a wreck, and they just hired a wreck.

Every day I went to the job, holding my head up and did my very best. I didn’t talk about my failures to anyone. No one knew my mistakes. I never told those supervisors who interviewed me my failing life situation. I was starting over and from that time forward I forced myself to become my own best friend. I began to treat myself better, allow kinder people into my circle, and talk to myself like I was worth something.

Today, all of that has paid off. I faked it until I became it. I sometimes still need to remind myself of what it feels like to be confident, then step into those strong feelings. I stop negative self-talk when I catch myself going down that path. I spend some time visualizing good outcomes in my future instead of being scared of negative possibilities.

Now, it doesn’t take long to get back on the right path of positivity. This successful, happy, nurturing way of living has saved me from misery. It set my life on a new path. I believe you can do this too. The message is simple, fake the behavior you want until you become it.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Tell me what you think. Have you every faked it until you became it? Is it really faking something or just awakening something slumbering within you? Are you stirring up the best of you to come to the surface?

One of the most startling images of the pandemic was the common sight of health professionals working around the clock treating the victims of COVID. Banging pots, musical tributes, and other forms of gratefulness probably did not touch the depth of burnout these folks were to feel day after day, week after week, month after month.

One need not only have been in the medical professions during the pandemic to arrive at retirement and feel such intense burnout. Those in the fields of counseling, education, social work, and ministry have also accumulated a significant number of stressors over the course of their careers. Moving into retirement, it is difficult to disconnect from the tendencies which first landed us in these professions to begin with.

We might be experiencing “compassion fatigue,” the exhaustion caused by intense personal interactions repeatedly throughout the day. We have been healers, nurturers, caregivers, sounding boards, and the omnipresent listeners, possibly for decades!

The Siren Call

Although these careers have many personal negatives, there are excellent reasons why young people still work for those credentials. A helping profession is defined as a profession that nurtures the growth of, or addresses the problems of a person’s physical, psychological, intellectual, emotional or spiritual well-being.

Careers in these fields are meaningful and rewarding. There is great joy in the daily work which is part of something much larger than oneself. These folks are motivated more by goals, than their paychecks.

Indeed.com suggests that career seekers take the ubiquitous Myers-Briggs Type Indicator to find their calling. The personality types which lead the way into these fields have the monikers of Counselor, Giver, Idealist, Champion, Doer and Nurturer.

It Starts in the Womb

Research from the University of Reading in the UK has found that 40% of the willingness to help others is inherited. I was definitely born into this cohort.

My first memory of being chastised for my uber-altruism was at age 7 by my grandmother, when she perceived I gave too much of my allowance to a charity volunteer collecting coins on the boardwalk in Atlantic City, NJ. My mother frequently told me I was “generous to a fault.” Little did they both know that my altruism was a result of traits that they passed on, but that they didn’t actually manifest themselves. I guess it was no great surprise that I chose education as my profession: a daily opportunity to stoke those instincts of helping others.

Burn Out Then and Now

My retired colleagues in the caring professions have all been subject to burnout, emotional shutdown, disengagement, and feelings of hopelessness for many years. We seem to have a compulsion to prove ourselves, work harder, neglect personal needs, displace conflicts and deny problems, often leading to depression and withdrawal.

It would be surprising if some of these events did not lead to early retirement for many of us, as it did with me.

In retirement, after a long retreat from the world, of course I began to search for volunteer opportunities. Because the field of education was so tainted for me, I wanted to work with my hands, and became a gardening and livestock volunteer. I considered these pursuits “selfish,” because they were fun and not the typical ways of helping.

Further down the road, during the pandemic, I worked weekly at a local food distribution, packing bags of vegetables outside all through the cold winter. I also now work for the League of Women Voters during voting registration time on college campuses, running after college students during change of classes to get them to sign up. The latter two gigs are more aligned with my concept of “helping.”

I constantly need to have deep conversations with myself about not overdoing things in the volunteer arena. I’ve previously written on this subject on Agebuzz.com. Luckily, my social worker son (it runs in the genes) encouraged me to resign from the food distribution when I complained about the working conditions. As a LWV volunteer, I now only do one shift during election season.

How to Exit the Hamster Wheel

For those of us previously in nurturing vocations, the suggestions to avoid burnout for current employees apply to us in retirement! Please note – these apply in all situations, not just when volunteering, but especially in social interactions with friends, family, and others.

1. Gain control and set boundaries; learn to say no.
2. Have regular check-ins with yourself to notice your feelings.
3. Practice self-care through hobbies, mindfulness, yoga, massage, being with people who give you energy, eating good food, and getting enough sleep.
4. Share your feelings with others.
5. Delegate responsibility.
6. Experiment with putting yourself first!

Connie Zweig, writing on changingaging.org describes her awakening when she realized it was time to leave her profession as a therapist. She could not ignore the fact that she “didn’t want to do it anymore. My attention was moving away from work, and my heart was opening in other ways.” She had a strong sense that she should do less.

Who Am I Now?

After spending decades helping others, we might have fears of letting go of the self we’ve always known. We might feel less needed, less important, less secure, and more uncertain.

For me, this process is still incomplete. For the past two summers, I had been noticing that the flower beds at my local library were beautifully landscaped, but they were full of weeds. I was overjoyed to find an email address for the library gardeners. At the time, I had hurt my foot in a hiking mishap. At least I waited a few weeks until the foot healed before I sent my inquiry to join the group. To me, that’s progress!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Are you feeling burnout in retirement? What’s causing this state of being? Do you have too many obligations? Are they all bringing you joy and fulfillment? Have you even considered your schedule?