Month: May 2024

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Originally posted at: Madison LeCroy’s Turquoise Top and Skirt Set

By choice or otherwise, 90% of us women will be left solely in charge of our household finances. Whether you become suddenly single through divorce or widowhood, the experience is a financial solo journey challenge. You may be dealing with half the resources, a reduced household income, or unfamiliarity with all of the personal finance tasks involved, or any or all or more of the above. One widow I spoke with recently said it well, “It’s financial. Period.”

Moving Forward

I agree with her. Moving forward after any loss (divorce is a loss too, not just widowhood) is difficult. Even when your financial house is in order, picking up the pieces to move forward on your own is still a huge paperwork process to get through on top of the changes and decision-making that takes place.

And we are doing all of this during a time when our brain is trying to re-acclimate to our new situation. I watched the most amazing video recently that shows and explains why the feeling of brain fog, after any loss, happens. We literally need to give our brains time to rewire our new world!

It Changes Your Life!

So, when we are experiencing loss and all the paperwork, decision-making, and brain changes that go with all of that, it is natural to feel overwhelmed. Your sudden singleness changes your life and yet the challenges of a solo journey face you every day as life keeps marching forward. You likely still have work, family, and/or home responsibilities that continue daily. It doesn’t feel fair that life keeps happening all around you as if nothing has changed!

Making Connections

We are all different in how we make our way forward. Some may find it helpful to connect with a structured group like DivorceCare or GriefShare. Others may find one-on-one counseling to be the best. Connecting with other women who’ve gone through the same experiences, reading books on the topic, or gradually working through the change on your own are all paths that you can take.

Taking Action

To help move through the overwhelm and feel some sense of control again, a list or step-by-step guide can keep things moving forward even while your brain and emotions are still figuring out this new life. That’s where a book, a class, or a series of steps can become a helpful tool.

My Suddenly Single Course & Bundle is one example of a video course that provides steps and tools that can be self-paced and in the privacy of your own home. We all learn and take action in different timeframes and formats so choose a method that feels best for you. The key is that you give yourself grace and patience but also the nudge and resources to move forward.

Reinventing Yourself

Suddenly living a single life is an adjustment and takes intentionality to force yourself to redefine who you are and what you want your future life and self to look like. Reinventing yourself after having been one half of a couple is not usually something we ever intended or planned to have to do. Yet here we are. Circumstances force you to rethink your life and what’s important to you.

Our Likelihood of Loss Is High

You may have watched a grandmother, mother, sister, or friend go through a loss. I have an aunt that lost three spouses, and I see her as one of the most resilient women I know. One of her losses was due to divorce. With over 50% of marriages ending in divorce (and over 60% of second marriages, and over 70% of third marriages), it has become a higher likelihood for a majority of us.

And widowhood is even more likely. 80% of the one million new widows in the United States each year are women. 80% of married men die married but 80% of married women die single. I guess it’s no wonder my aunt experienced both divorce and widowhood. Yet she found a silver lining in each one of her past relationships and today is still the most positive person I know. So easy to say yet so hard to do but a healthy mindset is a choice. Whenever our time comes, I hope we choose resilience and positivity too.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Is your solo financial journey where you want it to be? What has helped you adapt? What advice can you share with our community? Please join the discussion!

Research is clear that if we want to stay healthy and to thrive we need to develop and maintain strong relationships. According to the Mayo Clinic, adults with strong relationships live longer than their peers who have less vital relationships.

In addition, adults with a healthy support system have a reduced risk for high blood pressure, unhealthy body mass index and depression. Some studies have shown that positive support systems may also decrease cardiovascular disease and cancer.

If that isn’t enough, relationships also give us a support system for the day-to-day challenges of life, and in world crises like we’ve been facing for the last two years.

Our relationships can also give us a sense of purpose and belonging. They provide us with fellow travelers as we seek fun and adventure, whether we are at home or on vacation.

Introvert vs. Extrovert

Some people are naturally good at relationship building. They have a large circle of friends and family and have many close contacts. They regularly seek out friends and enjoy spending time with them.

Others, like me, are more introverted and enjoy spending time alone. They likely have very few close relationships and don’t actively seek to engage with new people. There is nothing wrong with spending time alone, but being a loner may ultimately be a disadvantage as we age.

I spent many years focused on my work, and my friendships suffered from lack of time and attention. My relationships were largely focused on my husband and children. As my children grew up and moved away, and I left my full-time job, I felt the desire for more friendships and closer bonds with people.

It was not easy for me to seek people out, but at the risk of loneliness, I persevered. I invited old friends for coffee or lunch. I started purposely talking with people in my neighborhood. I joined a book club.

I even found myself starting to invest in casual acquaintances by noticing and acknowledging people such as the clerk at the grocery store and the women at the registration desk at my gym.

In the process, I discovered several things I was doing that helped me get to know others and deepen those relationships. As a person who often sees the big picture and loves to find patterns, I was seeing a pattern in my relationship building.

While this may seem like common sense to some, it became very obvious to me that we let people know we value them through our words and actions.

Here are three simple phrases that have helped me to deepen my relationships:

“Tell Me More”

In a world full of technological distractions and necessities, “tell me more” shows that you are paying attention. You are interested and invested in what the other person has to say, even if it’s over an online connection.

These words let the speaker know that you are listening. They say, “I hear you,” and “I’m interested.” They tell the person that you think they have something of value to offer and that they are important to you. Just three little words can offer a lot of affirmation.

“Thank You”

Saying ‘thank you’ is a common courtesy we are taught by our parents and grandparents. I’ve always said ‘thank you’, and you probably have as well. However, I have found that when it’s said in the right way and at the right time, it has even more meaning.

When said sincerely, looking someone in the eye, “thank you” also means, “I see you.” It says, “I acknowledge what you have done.”

I started to say a sincere thank you when my husband did a household chore. I really did appreciate his effort.

I took time to thank the person who was handling an insurance claim for us. She was kind, helpful and thorough, and I truly appreciated her effort. Besides saying ‘thank you’, I also told her what I appreciated and why. She seemed touched. In her line of work, she probably doesn’t get a lot of thanks.

As a bonus, making her feel good made me feel good. Gratitude is as good for the giver as for the receiver. I write more thank you notes now, and I get as much or more out of it than the people I send them to.

We all want to be seen and acknowledged. We want to be appreciated. It is easy to take people for granted. A heartfelt “thank you” is more than just words; it validates someone’s actions. It also makes the world a little kinder.

“You Are…”

“You are so kind; you always remember my birthday.”

“You are so considerate, I noticed how you treated that waiter.”

“You are such an amazing piano player.”

“You are funny and you make me laugh.”

“You are doing a great job handling a tough client.”

“You are doing the right thing by not arguing.”

“You are figuring it out. “

“You are raising inquisitive and curious children.”

“You are making me smile right now.”

“You are ready for this job.”

“You are…”

You are… ____________ fill in the blank with something specific and positive you have observed or know about a person.

When you tell someone that you notice who they are, you are acknowledging that you know them. You can acknowledge that you believe in them, that you trust them or that you understand them. You can give them a boost of confidence by validating their actions or their decisions.

We all have a deep desire to be known. We also have a deep desire to be loved. When you see people’s positive traits and acknowledge them, it is a way to show love. There are many ways to express love that start with the phrase “You are…”

“You are my rock.”

“You are my sunshine.”

“You are my world.”

“You are important to me.”

Deep down, we are all seeking to be heard, understood, known and loved. By choosing words that matter, we can help people get their basic needs met and strengthen our relationships in the process.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Have you used any of these phrases successfully? What do you say that helps build your relationships? I would love to hear your ideas in the comments below.

Throughout life, each of us faces challenges about feeling loved, happy, and fulfilled. Perhaps no challenge is more prevalent for those of us over 60 than the feeling of not being enough.

There are a host of reasons we may feel we are not enough as we age. When we feel our sense of worthiness dip, the emotions can be amplified by a dreaded feeling of isolation.

If you can relate, you are not alone.

In this article and the accompanying video, we will address seven of the most common challenges women over 60 face in feeling they are enough. This is the third part of our eight-part article and video series on “Being Enough After 60.”

Loneliness Is an Epidemic

In a startling 2023 report, the United States General Surgeon stated that, “…we are now finding that one in two adults report measurable levels of loneliness.”According to him and his office’s research, loneliness is linked to a variety of health concerns, not the least of which being that social isolation amongst aging adults brings upon advanced stages of depression and increases the risk of death by nearly 30 percent.

A team of esteemed physicians and researchers involved with this report concurred. For they too believe loneliness and isolation are an epidemic.

What does this have to do with not feeling you are enough?

It is widely believed loneliness is brought on by a number of factors, one of the most prominent being a disempowered state caused by disconnection.

When your sense of personal desires or even the love you have for yourself is diminished, so too is your willingness to connect with other people. There are many factors driving this, such as unhealed past trauma, cultural background, limiting beliefs, and one’s overall mental, physical, and emotional health.

Whatever the specific issues are for you, it is important to acknowledge that societal pressures, ageism, and the dynamics of how we were raised all play a role in women of our generation feeling inadequate.

7 Common Challenges

I’ve personally found myself questioning my worth throughout my life. So too have most of our generation at one time or another. The first step in overcoming any challenge of feeling you are not enough is to be aware of the challenge itself.

To help you in your journey to loving more of yourself, we are going to look at seven of the most common challenges women over 60 face in feeling they are enough:

Societal Expectations

Society often places unrealistic expectations on women, emphasizing youthfulness, beauty, and productivity. As you age, it is common to feel pressure to meet these standards, leading to feelings of inadequacy.

Ageism

Discrimination based on age is a significant challenge for women. You may face stereotypes and prejudice that devalue your worth, limit opportunities, or make you feel invisible. This can undermine your self-esteem and confidence.

Changes in Appearance

As we age, our bodies undergo natural changes. These changes can impact body image and self-esteem, particularly if society perpetuates narrow beauty standards. Feeling pressure to maintain a youthful appearance can lead to a sense of not being enough.

Transitions and Loss

Significant life transitions, such as retirement, empty nesting, or the loss of loved ones becomes more prevalent as we age. These changes can contribute to a sense of not being enough with intense feelings of loneliness, purposelessness, and even a loss of identity.

Comparison and Self-Judgment

An overly self-critical mindset, such as shaming yourself or diminishing your value through comparisons, can erode your self-worth, leaving you feeling unloved.

Internalized Expectations

Feeling we should have more money, be in better relationships, or should be doing more with our time, are examples of internal expectations that are often unreasonable and self-defeating.

Limited Representation in Media

Media and advertising often focus on younger demographics, creating a lack of representation for women over 60. This lack of visibility can contribute to feelings of isolation and marginalization, making it harder for you to feel that you are enough.

Challenge the Challenges

Being more aware of these challenges is essential in overcoming them. The key to addressing them, however, is to challenge their truth through self-love, self-reflection, and self-compassion.

This is about not allowing limiting beliefs and faulty premises that may have formed early on in your life to run amok in your present-day reality.

To help you overcome this, you will want to surround yourself with supportive people and communities that value, inspire, and uplift women over 60. A perfect example is the beautiful, empowering community of Sixty and Me.

Also, seeking professional guidance via therapy or support groups can provide a safe space to explore feelings of not being enough. As with any emotional challenge, the more you acknowledge your worthiness the easier it is to love all of you just as you are.

I invite you to join me in the video above where I will share additional insights into overcoming challenges of feeling you’re enough along with ten affirmations to help you integrate what you are learning.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you consider yourself to be enough? How did you get to that decision? How have you been embracing your worthiness? Share your thoughts in the comments.