Month: June 2024

Do you know what the #1 obstacle is to having your dreams, desires, and goals fulfilled after 60?

The stigma of shame and blame.

Without being aware of how shame and blame influence your choices in life, it is common to feel perpetually stuck in a revolving door of disappointment, disempowerment, and distressing circumstances.

These distressing emotions not only prevent you from taking inspired action on your innermost desires, but they can also get in the way of thinking there is a way out of such misery.

Having experienced and overcome intense degrees of shame and blame in my own life, I can confidently say that as dark as those moments were, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

That light is you.

This is the seventh of an eight-part article and video series on Being Enough After 60, that will focus on illuminating the light within you by overcoming shame.

Find all articles in this series:

Part 1: TOP 10 BENEFITS OF SELF-ESTEEM AFTER 60

Part 2: 10 STEPS TO BUILD YOUR SELF-ESTEEM AFTER 60

Part 3: 7 CHALLENGES OF BEING ENOUGH AFTER 60

Part 4: 10 STEPS TO DISMANTLE AGEISM

Part 5: LOVING YOUR BODY AFTER 60

Part 6: OPENING YOURSELF UP TO TRY NEW THINGS

What Is Shame and Blame?

Shame and blame are introduced to most people through traumatic experiences as a child.

Creating a fear-based reality that is reflected back to you in the outer world, the stigma of shame and blame often turns you against yourself, establishing a foundation for low self-esteem and unworthiness.

When your self-worth is attacked and diminished by others, without the proper help, you become unconsciously conditioned to distrust your inner, authentic self as an adult.

The most effective way to overcome the intensity of shame and blame is by repeated acts of self-love. How do you do this? By learning to trust the voice of your true, authentic self.

The Voice of Your Authentic Self

For any of us who have suffered through shame and blame, we unknowingly develop a lack of trust in our authentic voice. In fact, we have likely relied on the guidance of our inner critic for so long that we mistook it for our own true, authentic self.

By having the voice of your true self disrespected and discounted as a child, you may have grown into an adult not feeling empowered to speak up and be heard, seen, and valued when and where it matters most.

A lack of trust in your inner, authentic voice stems from hopeless experiences as a child in the face of being shamed and blamed into submissive silence by authority figures.

But as an adult, when you are far removed from those early childhood challenges, how do you learn to trust your authentic voice and overcome these traumatic effects?

10 Steps to Overcome Shame and Blame

Overcoming the effects of shame and blame is a life-transformative journey that fosters self-love, self-compassion, and emotional healing.

Here are 10 steps that many women over 60, including myself, have used to navigate these emotions and move towards greater well-being:

Self-Awareness

Recognize when shame and blame arise. Identify triggers and situations that lead to these feelings and create pattern interruptions that mitigate their influence and effects.

Challenge Your Negative Self-Talk

Pay attention to internal dialogue. Counter self-blame and self-criticism with loving, kind, and compassionate self-talk.

Practice Self-Love and Self-Compassion

Treat yourself with the same love, kindness and understanding you would offer to a loved one in a similar situation.

Understand What Triggers You

Explore the origins for feeling shame or blame. Uncover past experiences or beliefs that contribute to these emotions. This is not to relive the trauma but to finally look at it through the eyes of love and maturity.

Reframe Limiting Beliefs

Challenge distorted, limiting beliefs that fuel the fires of shame or blame. Consider more emotionally balanced and empowering beliefs.

Your Inner Child

Connecting with your inner child nullifies the effects of shame and blame. It is the pathway to self-love and releases your authentic voice from years of being constricted through fear, anxiety, and self-doubt.

Release Perfectionism

Embrace the idea that nobody is perfect. Allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them without judgment.

Forgive Yourself

Acknowledge past mistakes or regrets with the understanding that they helped you grow into the beautiful person you are today. Practicing self-forgiveness towards yourself and others plays a huge role in this.

Set Boundaries

Establish healthy boundaries to protect yourself from blame or shame imposed by others and especially your own self. Surround yourself with supportive individuals.

Seek Professional Help

If shame and blame are deeply rooted and affecting your well-being, consider seeking therapy or counseling to work through these emotions.

Overcoming shame and blame is a gradual process. Be patient with yourself and celebrate the progress you make along the way.

As you apply these 10 steps, in addition to others you come up with, you can cultivate emotional resilience, improve your self-worth, and foster a healthier, more loving relationship with yourself.

I invite you to join me in the video where I will share five additional steps you can take to overcome shame and blame. I will also guide you through three inspiring journal prompts and ten empowering affirmations to help you integrate what you are learning.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Have there been moments in your life when you suffered from shame and blame? How did you overcome this pattern?

Photo + Info: @arianamadix

Originally posted at: Ariana Madix’s Pink Sequin Cutout Dress on Love Island

Last month, I wrote an article for 60 and Me that was centered around the idea of establishing boundaries around other people for the purpose of protecting our own emotional health.

I talked in the article about how I had been thrown into the role of caretaker for my mom with whom I have a complicated relationship. I described events that led to my decision to set boundaries and also discussed some of the mindset difficulties that can arise as we go about actually respecting the boundaries that we have set.

This article prompted a LOT of comments, mostly very supportive. But, there were a couple of comments that although delivered in a very kind way, were judgy. The opinion expressed in these comments was that our parents should take precedence in our lives over our children and our grandchildren. That I would regret my decision to respect the boundaries that I had set around my mom. That I wouldn’t want to be treated this way by my own children.

As I said, the comments were worded in such a kind way that I was able to receive them and consider them. I understood that they likely came from someone who had a very loving mother. But, the comments also got me thinking about how quickly I pass judgement on someone else when they are living their own lives in a way that is not aligned with MY values or priorities. And how often each day do I do this?

If I’m being honest? Less quickly than I have in the past, but still too quickly. And more often than I would like to admit.

Unless I have walked in that other person’s shoes, passing judgment on any life decision that they have made is not only detrimental and limiting – it can be harmful. To me. And to them.

Harmful Effects of Judging Others (And Ourselves)

Judgement can serve us throughout our day. It can help us to make healthier decisions and to avoid possible dangers. The judgement that I’m talking about here is that which we pass on others’ choices, decisions, and how they may be living their lives.

Judgment Takes Away Trust

As our loved ones watch us formulate negative opinions about ourselves and others, it can whittle away at their trust, creating negative mindsets in those around us. It may make others hesitant to express their opinions and feelings around us for fear of being not heard.

Alternatively, if we are creating an environment of acceptance and learning, those around us will likely feel safer and less concerned about vulnerability.

Judgment Prevents All of Us from Considering Another Side of Things

I can remember years ago, watching my sister raise her children. As a mom, I was a control freak and our family was on a schedule. We had scheduled bedtimes and mealtimes. We had to have a green veggie of some sort with meals. We got outside every day.

My sister took each day as it came. If they were out and the kids were hungry, they ate. It could be 2:00 in the afternoon or 11:00 at night. If they were out and having fun, the kids could sleep in the car or fall asleep when they got home. There was no schedule and seemingly no rules from my vantage point. I shook my head, not understanding how someone could live like that and raise kids under those “conditions.”

But, my sister raised two great kids. Who are sweet. Who know how to treat others. Who love their families. Who work hard. So, who is to say her way is wrong and mine is right? And, as I look back on my parenting, it would have been healthier for all of us if I had been a little bit more relaxed. Less regimented.

Instead of judging her, I could have watched and learned. Just because it’s different, doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. We all have lessons to learn from each other. So, rather than watch someone and judge, we can watch them, take what aligns with our values and priorities and leave the rest!

Judgment Is Unhealthy

Studies show that judgment can increase our feelings of stress and depression. This, in turn can affect us physically, especially on this side of 50.

We need to turn this around and lean into compassion. Empathy. Kindness. Towards ourselves and others.

Along with an openness to learning a new or different way of doing something. Walt Whitman encouraged this when he said, “be curious, not judgmental.”

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you think that you lean towards being judgmental? Are there times where you’ve watched someone do something differently than the way you do and you took something away from it that you might be able to incorporate?

Photo: @lisabarlow14

Originally posted at: Lisa Barlow’s Black Long Sleeve Jumpsuit

Losing a beloved dog is an incredibly heart-wrenching experience. Our bond with our pets is unique; their absence leaves a significant void in our lives, and getting a new dog demands several considerations.

My husband and I experienced the devastating loss of not one but two of our beloved dogs within weeks of each other. The first to pass was our beautiful five-year-old Labrador, Sally, whose vibrant and calming presence filled our home. Her illness came on suddenly; within 24 hours of learning about her liver failure, we had to say our final goodbyes. The swiftness of her passing left us in shock and deep sorrow.

As we grappled with the sudden loss of our Sally, we were already bracing ourselves for the inevitable farewell to our elderly Shih Tzu, Ted. Ted had been suffering from chronic lung problems, and we had spent the last 12 months preparing for the day we would lose him. Despite our mental preparation, nothing could have softened the blow of his passing. Losing both dogs in such a short period left an unimaginable void in our lives.

Deciding to get a new dog after losing one is a complex and deeply personal decision. While welcoming a new furry friend into your life can be comforting, several factors might give you reasons to pause. The following is a list of fundamental challenges that must be considered before you venture forth and bring a new little pup into your home.

Please stay tuned to the end, and I will let you know how we tackled this dilemma and how things worked out for us. All I can say is that it wasn’t straightforward.

Grieve for Your Dog

The sorrow that comes from a dog’s passing can be heavy. Dogs are not just animals; they are like family. The bond you shared was such a deep bond, and getting a new dog can feel like a betrayal to your lost friend.

Grieving is a necessary process, and taking the time to fully move through your grief before deciding to bring a new pet into your life is of utmost importance. Getting another dog might not give you the space and time to heal correctly. You may also fear a new dog will only remind you of the one you lost, thus making the bereaved time even harder.

Considering the Rest of the Family

When a dog dies, the entire family is hurt, and everyone mourns in their own way. You may be prepared to bring a new dog home, but other family members are not.

Children: It might be hard to understand and process their grief. It may take them longer and require more help before they can share their lives with another dog again. Alternatively, your partner or other adults in the home may not wish to endure the process of losing a much-loved pet again.

So, talk with your family openly and be honest about how they feel and if they are ready for a new companion dog. Ensuring everyone is informed can also avoid further stress and allow a warm and supportive location for the new dog.

Consider Other Pets

If you have other pets at home, they also have their own needs and feelings. Grieving the loss of a companion may put stress on the pet, and adding another dog into the mix right away could also create behaviour issues. Every pet has its personality and methods of coping.

Time Commitment

Training a new puppy is a labour of love, patience, sweat, and more patience. House training, obedience training, and socialisation are only a few areas that need to be worked on when you bring your new puppy home. Toilet training is challenging, and it can entail taking your puppy outdoors every couple of hours and throughout the night.

Obedience training teaches basic commands like sit, stay, and come, a discipline that needs regular practice and reinforcement. Socialisation is also crucial as it teaches your puppy how to interact with different people, pets, and settings, making it less likely to develop fear or aggression.

They must get used to their new environment, the people in it and the rules of their new home. This usually includes addressing separation anxiety, as puppies tend to suffer from this syndrome when away from their littermates and do not get into anything harmful.

The adjustment period also entails teaching your young puppy to get along with household members and adhere to rules and boundaries, if any. It is a time-consuming process you cannot get over; it consumes most of your attention and patience.

All in all, a new puppy is a big-time commitment and shouldn’t be taken lightly. With the above in mind, if you can accommodate these demands, you are ready to offer a happy and safe place for your new four-legged friend.

Long-Term Commitment

Being ready for responsibility means being prepared for the unexpected. Emergencies and unforeseen circumstances can arise, and a plan for your dog’s care in such situations is essential. This includes having a trusted friend or family member who can step in if you cannot temporarily care for your pet.

Conclusion

Suffice it to say, my adult children were not surprised that shortly after Ted died, we threw ourselves into the search for a new adoptee. Yes, we were still heartbroken over Sally and Ted; Sally’s death was hard to accept as she was a young, healthy dog. However, Ted was a different type of grief, as we felt we had been grieving over him for the past 12 months, ever since we heard his diagnosis.

I have to be honest: we couldn’t get Sally and Ted out of our minds for the first few weeks after adopting Murphy (a cross between a poodle and a Shih Tzu). Losing both our dogs within such a short span had left an indelible mark on our hearts. Bringing Murphy into our home felt like a significant change and was a real culture shock. Murphy is a livewire, full of energy and mischief. My husband and I can’t remember ever having a pup this feisty. His playful antics and boundless energy were both challenging and delightful.

We know we are much older, and training a new puppy never seemed so hard. However, it has been incredibly worth it. Despite his naughtiness, Murphy has brought a spark back into our lives. His lively presence has filled our home with joy and laughter, reminding us of the vibrant energy that a new dog brings.

Getting another dog so soon after our loss was a profoundly personal decision. Each dog we have had has been special in their unique way, bringing us immense love and joy. Life is short, and I cherish sharing it with four furry paws. The house doesn’t feel the same without the pitter-patter of little feet. Murphy has shown us that, even after loss, our hearts always have room for more love.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Have you adopted a new pet after the loss of a previous one? Was it difficult to make that decision? Are you happy with your choice or do you regret the decision?