Month: June 2024

After losing 55 lbs. in my 40s and keeping those pounds off for 16 years now (I’m 57 today), there was a reliable go-to question that I asked myself almost every day, and I want to share its power with you.

When my husband – mostly lovingly known as The Scarfer – brings home his seemingly endless supply of calories this is what I ask myself:

Do I want to be a size 8, or do I want those short bread cookies (with sprinkles)?

Now don’t be fooled, this little question appears to be simple, but it is doing some seriously heavy lifting.

A Game-Changer

You see, when gorgeous bakery treats show up in my kitchen via The Scarfer, the cave woman in me goes a little bonkers and thinks, Oh look! Beautiful short bread cookies. With pretty, pretty sprinkles! Mine!!

And the angels sing.

Do I Want Pancakes?

But with lightning speed, I’ve learned to ask myself,

• Do I want to be a size 8, or do I want short bread cookies (with sprinkles)?
• Do I want to be a size 8, or do I want to have pancakes on Sunday with the family?
• Do I want to be a size 8, or do I want to chow down on the (awesome) plate of Mexican with everyone else?

And – with this one question – I shift from my cave woman ‘eat every calorie in sight’ brain to my prefrontal brain who keeps the big picture in mind. She is organized, logical and calmly tells me, those calories do absolutely nothing for your size 8 plan.

And with that, I walk away from the cookies.

But in the Beginning

I didn’t use this exact question when I was a size 16. I took the goal of losing 55 pounds one step at a time, so back then I’d ask myself: Do I want to be a size 14, or do I want to eat half of the cherry pie?

Tweak the question to your own life. Ask yourself questions like these:

• Do I want to fit comfortably into my shorts, or do I want potato salad?
• Do I want to lower my blood pressure, or do I want fries with my no-sauce veggie burger?
• Do I want to be down five pounds for my September trip, or do I want cinnamon rolls?

There’s nothing easy about losing weight after 60, especially given our food-porn world. There’s junk food everywhere: in every grocery store, on every corner, in every restaurant.

Learning to live in a food-on-steroids world is crucial if we are to lose – and maintain – after 50.

I’ll leave you with this thought, I often throw my cave woman a bone. My prefrontal brain will tell my cave woman something like, “Look, if sprinkles mean that much to you, sprinkle them onto your banana and call it a day.”

Let’s Have a Conversation:

How do you take care of your own health goals while living with someone who brings home the calories? Do you live with the – misguided – notion that weight loss ‘should’ be easy? What strategies do you use to step away from the food-porn diet?

One of the things we discuss in my life coaching sessions is friendships. Because our ability to connect with people affects every aspect of our life. My older clients often talk about the difficulty of making new friends and keeping old ones. Let’s explore!

Have you become exasperated with some of your friends as you’ve aged? Friends you once enjoyed… now you find difficult to be with? Lately, I’ve noticed that it is a little too easy to “cancel” people as we age. You can say the slightest thing to a person, and it sets them off.

And vice versa. You insult them unknowingly or hurt their feelings at best. Or they say something and you get annoyed and write them off as too difficult. The misunderstandings and tensions go in both directions.

Aging Is Delicate, Complex — And Rich!

As we age, we become more sensitive and more delicate. Things get simpler and yet more complex. Yet, at the same time, we are tougher and more resilient! So our feelings get hurt more easily at the same time that we are tougher from a lifetime of experience. We both have all the patience in the world… and we can have no patience whatsoever!

One thing is for sure: we become set in our ways.

We become more ourselves as we age… we are the essence of ourselves, distilled. Well, so are our friends.

You will either keep up with the changes and make mental, emotional, and social adjustments or you will lose your friends. You will start to cancel people, or they will cancel you. And suddenly, you are alone.

It’s a fine line: we want to be likable, but we want to have boundaries.

Consider These Thoughts About Your Behavior and Friendships

1. We need connection. We need friends. We need to be social. Loneliness kills.

2. The way to have friends and to be friends in our aging years is to be positive and accepting. We all have lived hard lives. We all have had ups and downs.

3. Don’t feel you have to give your opinion on every little thing. Let things slide.

4. Diane von Furstenberg said, “An older woman should be interestED, not interestING. What other people say is much more interesting than expressing your opinion. You already know what you think! Gone are the days when we need to impose our opinion or show that ‘we’re right’. Besides, listening to yourself talk is boring. You learn so much more by listening to someone else. If you try being interested in someone you’ll get much more out of the encounter.”

7. Being interestED is such an attractive quality. You shine a light on people when you are interested in them. You energize them and empower them. People like you when you are interestED in them.

8. Engage in discourse, speak your opinion, but don’t care about changing someone’s mind.

9. Give advice only when asked. Unasked-for advice is never listened to and is tedious to hear.

10. Don’t be judgmental. That gets you nowhere.

Four More!

11. The hardest commandment of The Ten is covetousness. Don’t compare yourself or your life situation, to others. Don’t be jealous or envious of their lives, for instance, if they have more money than you, or if they have a partner and you don’t. The saying goes: “Compare? Despair.” Comparing gets you nowhere except MiseryVille.

12. Cultivate people who are younger than you are. Be a mentor. Young people need your positivity, your support, and your wisdom (if they ask for it!). They are creating the future.

13. Be proactive with people and with your friends. Don’t wait for others to make their moves or call you. Call them! Or send a message saying, “I’m thinking of you.” Show interest in someone, pursue a coffee date, and don’t wait to be asked. Don’t assume that they’re not interested in you because they never called. If you want them as a friend, you make the effort. And if they don’t respond or show interest, fine. You made an overture, and you’ll never wonder, what if I had called…? Besides, we can take rejection so much more easily when we’re older. Because we’re tougher, remember?

14. Be aware that you never know what’s going on in someone’s life. The pain they are in. The problems they face. Be compassionate to the max.

Friendships Are for Enjoying

The message is: lighten up. We don’t need to prove ourselves. We want to be interestED companions, and by being interestED we become interestING, someone that people want to be around. We all want to be wanted.

I hope my list makes you think about the friends you have in your life, the friends you’ve lost, the friends you’ve discarded, and those who’ve left you behind. If you’re interested in exploring these and other topics that we discuss in life coaching, sign up for a free exploratory call. I support women over 40 in career and life changes! You don’t need to do it alone. As a guide, I walk you through the process of self-discovery and increased self-confidence toward your dreams.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Have you lost any friendships recently? Why do you think that was? Are there any ways that you have changed and how you handle your friendships? Have you canceled or been canceled? Now’s your turn to share with us, we all want to learn from you!

Originally posted at: Lesa Milan’s Tan Jacket and Short Set

Last Monday, I went for my weekly swim. My husband went to the optician for an annual eye check. On Tuesday, he had a meeting to discuss a dodgy mole, and I had an appointment with the dental hygienist. On Thursday, I did yoga.

The coming week starts again with the swim, then we both have appointments for a Covid jab. Oh, and then I get my hair cut.

Why do I write about all these disparate activities? What do they have in common? Put simply, they are all examples of what a friend calls ‘body maintenance’.

We all know and expect to incur the costs and time for maintenance of our houses. The roof needs to be checked from time to time, the boiler maintained regularly, and all sorts of unexpected repairs are needed each year. The same is true for our cars.

Well, the same is also true for our bodies.

And the older we get, the more time it takes.

Regular Checks

Some body maintenance is so much a part of our day-to-day lives since childhood that we don’t even put them into a special mental category.

We can start with teeth. Going to the dentist is just one of those things we do on a regular basis. Dentists tend to say it should be every six months (they would, wouldn’t they?), yet many say that it doesn’t need to be that often if you don’t have problems. But you probably go at least once a year and very possibly much more often.

Dentists aren’t the end of the story when it comes to teeth. We are also urged to see a dental hygienist, perhaps every four months. Not to mention all the time spent cleaning our teeth at home and flossing them as well.

Then, there is getting your hair cut. When I was a child, this was done by my mother (not especially well), but as an adult, I have gone to a hairdresser every two months or so. During the pandemic, I discovered that a neighbour was not only trained but also very good, and I have used her services ever since.

For those who want to remain younger-looking, there is also the colourist to take away the grey. I decided to go naturally grey when my hair began to turn when I was under 40, so have never had the pleasure.

Increasing numbers of women also get their fingernails done in a nail parlour on a regular basis. I have never been inside such a place. Perhaps I am missing some fun.

Less Frequent Checks, But We Still Need Them

Yes, we get our eyes checked from time to time and eventually, an awful lot of us need glasses. This means an annual eye check at the very least. Not to mention, the visits to the optician because we sat on the frame.

And at our age, a lot of us are also needing cataract surgery – this isn’t difficult, but starts a whole new round of pre- and post-appointments.

And then there are also hearing checks. I haven’t reached this stage, but it is getting nearer. A whole new round of appointments to look forward to.

At the other end of our bodies, many of us increasingly need our toenails checked out. Some make regular trips to a chiropodist.

Exercise and the Equivalent

But all that is just the beginning. Think of all your efforts to exercise to keep your body trim – or, should I say, trimmer than it otherwise would be.

My two forms of exercise of choice are yoga and swimming, but you might have others. You play tennis, you lift weights, you dance. All good. Not to mention regular daily walking. All part of body maintenance.

In addition, you may have particular parts of your body to which you give special exercise. I have recently started doing pelvic floor exercises on a regular basis (four times a day, day in, day out, using an app). Perhaps you have others.

Doctors and Hospitals

And, as we are getting on, there are the inevitable doctors appointments for one problem of another. These might be for minor checks, such blood pressure, or more major investigations, leading, indeed, to surgery.

Body Maintenance

Sometimes, it feels like our lives are one big maintenance activity.

I hope you manage to do some interesting things in-between.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

I suspect I have left out a lot of body maintenance – can you set me straight? Do you think there is any of this body maintenance you could do without? Do you enjoy any of your body maintenance activities?

When we hear the word “moody” most of us immediately think of girls. After all, the hormonal changes common to girls and young women that causes moodiness are well known.

But what about boys?

While moodiness and emotional distance in adolescent and young adult males isn’t unusual, it often goes undiscussed or overlooked. This can leave parents and family feeling frustrated, with unanswered questions, and at a loss for how to respond.

• “Is this normal?”
• “Is it me?”
• “Should I do something or leave him alone?”
• “When does it become concerning?”

These are common questions often asked by confused parents of sons.

Adolescence is defined as the years between 10-19 years old. But the changes that can impact mood and behavior can bleed into the early 20s as well.

In addition to the physical changes happening during this time, many emotional and psychological changes are also occurring. Most of these are developmentally normal and essential to growing into adulthood.

Emotional distance is one of those changes that, while “normal,” can still be confusing and hard to handle. The lack of communication, disinterest in familial closeness, and detachment from parents seem to scream PROBLEM. And yes, sometimes it is.

But how do you know what’s normal and what’s not? Knowing the difference is where things get tricky.

What Does It Mean for an Adolescent Boy or Young Man to Be Emotionally Distant?

People (boys in this case) who are emotionally distant may appear cold, aloof, and unresponsive. They keep their feelings bottled up, leading to a lack of connection to people they were once close to, like parents, grandparents, and siblings.

This tendency toward distancing becomes naturally more pronounced during the adolescent years. It’s during these years that children are trying to understand how they fit into their social environment, how to relate to others, and look for ways to exercise the wobbly legs of independence.

And they’re also contending with their own changing biology, which can last well into their early 20s.

At this age, boys (and girls) often become highly self-centered and less interested in or empathetic toward the feelings of other family members most specifically.

During this time, the opinions of friends are typically more valued than those of parents.

“My parents just don’t get it” is a phrase for the ages.

And from a teenager’s perspective, it’s true.

Friends “get it” because there’s commonality in experiences and feelings, which means explanations are unnecessary. Conversely, making parents and other adults understand their feelings requires language, communication skills, and self-awareness that most adolescents haven’t fully developed and are also resistant to practice.

Result? Emotional distance – from parents in particular.

Why Is My Son Behaving This Way?

Remember that sweet little boy who wanted a hug every time he got near you and told you everything about his day? Now he’s hard-pressed to even acknowledge your presence – ouch.

Why is this happening?

There are several reasons, so it’s essential to take the time to try and understand the root causes, and which ones are concerning and which are part normal development.

Among the most common are:

The Natural Physical and Emotional Changes Associated with Becoming an Adult

Adolescence is the road from childhood to adulthood. Like girls, boys undergo significant physical and emotional changes during this time. These changes can make them feel very uncomfortable and vulnerable. As a result, they may withdraw from their parents as they work to understand themselves and who they want to be. Normal development.

The Need for Independence

Establishing identity and autonomy during adolescence is a natural developmental step and part of how a child (boy or girl) learns how to be an adult. Normal development.

Peer Pressure

The pressure to conform to societal expectations of masculinity is real for boys, although the messages are now much more contradictory. Traditional masculinity is still a big influence and often involves suppressing emotions and avoiding vulnerability. This can make it difficult for boys to communicate openly and honestly with their parents. Normal development, but also concerning.

Trauma

Unfortunately, being emotionally distant can be a coping mechanism for kids who have experienced some type of trauma or emotional pain. It allows them to protect themselves from further hurt by avoiding the risks that come with emotional vulnerability. However, this behavior can also lead to isolation and loneliness. Concerning.

Lack of Familial Communication

If you have not been actively engaging in conversations with your son, or have not been listening attentively, he may feel neglected and disconnected from you. Concerning.

Lack of Trust

If your son feels he cannot confide in you, perhaps because from his perspective his feelings have not been taken seriously or have been ridiculed, he will likely keep his emotions bottled up even more, instead of sharing them with you. Concerning.

Mental Health Issues

Depression or anxiety can also lead to emotional distance. Struggling with feelings of sadness, hopelessness, or worthlessness can make expressing emotions or connecting with others on an emotional level seem impossible for adolescents. Concerning.

Additionally, the increasing use of technology has made it easier for teenagers to connect with peers online rather than in person. Unfortunately, this has led to a decrease in the willingness of adolescents to have face-to-face communication, and with it less opportunity to communicate emotions.

Signs Emotional Distance Has Gone Too Far

Emotionally distant behavior in an adolescent boy can manifest in various ways.

As I’ve already described, emotional distance in adolescence is normal. However, in some cases emotional distance can go too far, and if left unchecked will open the door to more significant problems.

Look for the following signs that the distance your son is exhibiting is becoming (or has already become) problematic:

• Avoidance of eye contact.
• Sudden outbursts of frustration or anger, and an inability to explain the cause.
• Disinterest in socialization and friends.
• Withdrawal from activities.
• Erratic behavior or engaging in risky activities.
• Lack of emotion or enthusiasm for anything.
• Obsessive interest in something or someone.
• Extreme changes in personality.

In many cases, adolescent boys will, in addition to withdrawing, turn to some type of addictive behavior (video games, porn, marijuana, or worse) to cope with their feelings.

What Can I (And Should I) Do?

This is the million-dollar question.

Recognizing when things have gone too far and what you can do to help is like knowing the difference between light white, cream, and Swiss coffee paint colors. It takes a lot of evaluation and careful consideration.

Because every person is unique and may have different ways of expressing their emotions, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach for shrinking the emotional distance between you and your son.

There are, however, some solid actions you can take that will help.

Create a Safe and Non-Judgmental Environment

Knowing he can talk to you about anything without fear of being criticized, judged, or laughed at is crucial. At his age he doesn’t know what “normal” feels like for him, and so talking to you without judgment so that he can figure this out is more important than you may realize.

Show Interest in His Life

Everyone wants to feel that someone cares about them. This is particularly important in a parent/child relationship. Whether you know it or not, your son wants your approval and investment in his life and interests. So, push past his rejection or complacency and be consistent in staying connected regardless of his response.

Be Supportive

Hate video games? Not a fan of skateboarding? It doesn’t matter. If that’s his passion, it’s vital for your relationship for you to show interest and be supportive.

Honesty

Many kids are afraid to disappoint their parents by making mistakes. Sharing your past experiences and fumbles through life will help him open up to you.

Patience

Adolescence is confusing, and it may take time for him to open up and share his feelings with you. Accept that he probably never will to the level you desire, so be sure to adjust your expectations.

Seek Professional Help If Necessary

If your son’s emotional distance is causing significant distress or negatively affecting his daily life, consider seeking the help of a counselor.

As a parent, wanting to have a strong and meaningful connection with your child is natural. However, it can often be challenging to establish and maintain this bond, especially as children grow older and become more independent.

If you are struggling to connect with your adolescent son, be patient and persistent in your efforts. Relating to an emotionally distant son requires consistency, understanding, patience, and creating a safe environment for honest and vulnerable communication.

Hang in there. It is almost as hard being a parent of a teen and young adult as it is being a teen and young adult.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

If you have an emotionally distant son, what has that looked like? Have you found ways to connect with him that could help others? Could you use the support of others in a similar situation? Share your story and join the conversation.