Month: October 2024

The Process of Learning How to Be a Grandmother

How to Be a Grandmother

It is often suggested that babies should be born with a manual, because it is so hard for new parents to work out how best to look after them. We, mothers, know that we managed somehow or other. But now it begins again, as we are faced with being a grandmother.

So how do we learn to be grandmothers?

Be an Instinctive Grandmother

Of course, some people are ‘naturals’ whether as mothers or grandmothers. It wouldn’t occur to them to look for an advice book or to ask friends – they just know how to do it.

I watch these women in awe, as it certainly isn’t me. I didn’t have a clue when my first baby was born, although I was probably a little better by the time I had a second.

Nor, nearly 40 years later, did I have much immediate sense of how to be a grandmother, much less a good one. It certainly didn’t feel natural to me from the start, as it all felt so long ago.

Learn from Our Grandmothers

In my book, Celebrating Grandmothers, where nearly 30 women talk about how it feels to be a grandmother, many explore this issue.

A few describe their own grandmothers in some detail. Of course, those women of the past varied hugely – not only in their social backgrounds but in their behaviour. Some were memorably strict, while others were distinctly full of fun.

My interviewees shared that their experiences of these women had influenced them as grandmothers. Especially in those cases where they had spent a lot of time with their grandmother or she had a strong personality which impressed certain values or attitudes onto the next generation.

This is not my case. I had little to do with my own grandmothers, as one lived too far away – the breadth of the USA was a serious hindrance in the 1950s – and the other had only limited interest in the role. Neither helped me much when my time came.

Learn from Our Mothers

Of course, your grandmother is not the only potential influence in this arena. Our mothers, too, were grandmothers to our children, as were our mothers-in-law.

Some of the women I interviewed felt that they had learned a lot from those two maternal figures, watching how they had played with their grandchildren or had taken an interest in teaching them.

But I, again, did not have much luck in this situation. By the time my children were born, my husband’s mother had died, and my own mother was, again, too far away as I had moved overseas. And, as she was a very dedicated career woman, I am not sure how involved she would have been had she lived nearby.

In any case, I had little in the way of role models.

Turn to the Grandmother Experts

Nowadays, we all learn from ‘experts’ on all sorts of issues and being a grandmother is no exception. There are numerous books on “how to be a good granny” – as well as my favourite, “how to be a bad granny.”

There are also a growing number of websites devoted solely to the joys and challenges of being a grandmother or touching on the topic quite frequently. Including, of course, this one.

Many of us have doubtless learned a great deal from their advice – from how to avoid saying the wrong thing to how to cope with modern equipment. But it did not occur to me to look for such information online or in a book.

For example, when I was writing my book, which is definitely not a ‘how to’ book, one friend asked if it would explain how to fold down a modern pushchair (stroller). Perhaps we have all struggled with that one.

Make It Up as You Go Along

I think that most of us make it up as we go along. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

We probably make some of the same mistakes we made as mothers. But I am sure we make many fewer, because – although it may not seem like it when the first grandchild is born – we have been there before.

Like with a second child, the knowledge is just lurking there, waiting to come out. We cuddle and burp the baby without thinking about it. We encourage the toddler to toddle and, as they grow, we talk to the grandchildren about the wonders of life, from the sublime to the ridiculous. It comes naturally.

Some do not want to take a great part in this adventure, but most of us find it enormous fun – and incredibly rewarding.

As we used to say playing tag, “here we come, ready or not” and you are probably readier than you think.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Where did you learn how to be a grandmother? What help were your own grandmothers or mothers? What would you say to a new grandmother? Please share in the comments below.

Read More

What’s Your Jewelry Story?

Jewelry Your Life’s Companion!

Until just last week, I had a jewelry tree festooned with about 50 necklaces circa 2017 (the year I retired) on my bedroom bureau. Although most days find me in jeans and “athleisure” clothing, my work-necklaces were ready to go!

It wasn’t until I found a small bag of silver jewelry in my underwear drawer that my current relationship to jewelry changed. The necklaces in that bag were the sole survivors of my mother’s cache of fine and everyday jewelry. I saved this lot, hoping to pass them onto my daughter at some point. They sat unnoticed since 2021, the year of my mother’s death.

The Discovery

When I took them out to be photographed and sent electronically to my west-coast-residing daughter, I realized I had purchased most of these items for my mother, and I loved all of them! The pandemic and retirement had sounded a death knell for the subject of daily adornment for me. These silver necklaces flooded me with memories of the role of jewelry in my life through the years.

A Youthful Introduction

My earliest memories of the importance of jewelry come from my grandmother, a Holocaust survivor. When I was 7, her only surviving brother who had emigrated to Paris sent her a ticket on the SS France to travel with him in Europe. At that time, gold was affordable, and my generous grandmother brought back gold coin necklaces for my mother and I, along with some other fine pieces. Learning the survival tricks of her generation, she sewed them into the lining of her coat to avoid paying a tariff upon her return.

Jewelry also played an important role when I became a Bat Mitzvah. In those days, many gifts of gold jewelry were purchased at a shop run by another Holocaust survivor. I remember eyeing her numerical arm tattoo while choosing gifts for my friends.

It was also customary to buy the Bat Mitzvah girl a gold charm bracelet to house the unique charms which were frequently chosen as gifts. I recently found mine and admired the little golden ark charm which housed a tiny Torah.

Engagement and Marriage

At the tender age of 19, I became engaged! My first husband came from a family which placed jewelry high in its value hierarchy. It is possible this family learned the important lesson during WWII that jewelry is an easily convertible asset during challenging times.

One older family member had a mesh purse fashioned from silver coins her father had made for her when she emigrated from Russia in the early 1900s. Israel’s recent raid on Lebanese banks prove that this strategy is still going strong in war-torn countries. Lebanese residents used these banks to get loans based on the value of their jewelry, which was used as collateral.

For my engagement, my fun-loving husband created a treasure hunt, replete with 10 clues scattered around my house which resulted in the discovery of the beautiful 1.5 carat heart-shaped diamond engagement ring. My younger self was overcome with joy and exuberance about the future.

My first husband’s family generously gifted me many lovely pieces through the years. When my children were born, tokens of their affection included a tiny name bracelet for my son, and rings, child-sized necklaces and bracelets for my daughter.

The Tide Turns

Eventually, these wonderful years of growth and optimism were punctuated with loss. My clever, young husband died climbing Mt. Rainier, and I was left with a heart-shaped diamond which lost all its meaning. The stone was reset in a necklace, but it was eventually stolen by a cleaning service.

My mother spent her last few years in a continuing care facility, but never gifted her fine jewelry before her death. The bulk of it, too, was stolen, except for the few items which remained in a safe deposit box. The only other survivors were in the plastic bag I found in my drawer.

It eventually became my task to distribute two modest diamonds and a gold watch to the next generation from that safe deposit box. Trying to be fair, the items were appraised, but the pandemic interceded, and one diamond remained at the jeweler for a year until I reminded my niece. The gold watch was returned by my son-in-law because my daughter divorced him, and the other diamond is sitting in the jeweler’s paper envelope because its recipient isn’t much interested in wearing it.

What Is the Message Here?

Although the fine jewelry in my family has had an unhappy ending, I am not of the opinion that material objects are meaningless. Quite to the contrary. Finding the little bag of silver jewelry led to the discovery of other pieces, both precious and mundane.

My reunion with almost all the jewelry I found last week filled me with glee!

The little baby bracelet for my son was next to a small treasure chest filled with his baby teeth! I remember putting the tiny bangle bracelet on the wrist of my daughter when I pulled tights over her diaper.

The silver jewelry was still exactly my taste decades later. Most of it, vintage 1970s, was made by craft people, had a pleasing, simple geometric aesthetic, and/or featured interesting minerals. I immediately cleared the jewelry tree of its 2017 work-necklaces. These will all be donated with the remainder of my work clothes in the very near future.

The silver jewelry, although smaller in number, now populates that little tree. I gladly choose a favorite to revive that wonderful old habit of adornment, even on unremarkable days.

I still have a cache of precious jewelry which I truly have no occasion to wear. Dressing up seems very “pre-pandemic” these days, especially for retirees. However, when it comes to this jewelry, I prefer to be impractical, my alter-ego M.O. These items hold the history of my life’s best moments. They can stay in the wings, for now, but cautiously in a safe deposit box!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What jewelry do you have from previous generations? Do you have plans to keep or pass on your jewelry? Does it make sense to sell the fine jewelry you own? Does jewelry now play any role in your daily life?

Read More

Ready, Set… Pause: What Are You Ready to Change?

Ready, Set, Pause What Are You Ready to Change

In the past month or so, I have noticed that I am ready to move on. I am ready to move on from politics. I am ready to move on from yelling at each other. I am ready to move on from fearing what may happen. I am ready to move on with my life.

When I look back, I am struck by how my memory of these past months is rooted in the experience of doing nothing. I don’t actually remember dates of things. If my calendar didn’t tell me what I was doing on such-and-such a date, I wouldn’t have a hook to hang them on.

Of course, my life has been moving on, whether I am ready or not. Weeks fly by in spite of my mindfully paying attention to the moment. My weekly appointment calendar that was pristine in January promising splendid adventures, is now filled with appointments kept or canceled and reminders for observed holidays and phases of the moon.

Readiness Does Not Signify Change

As someone living with long-COVID, I continually experience the necessity of taking time to slow down and come to terms with what kinds of influence I have on myself and those I am connected to. It took long-COVID to really teach me just how vital self-love is.

What is true for me is that just because I am ready for change doesn’t mean that things will change in response to my readiness. For example, I think I am ready for a new relationship, yet I find excuses to stay at home, and in fact, I mostly prefer my own company!

I am ready to return to vitality and good health, yet I have limitations, physical and psychological, that prevent my implementing the changes I need to make.

I have sat with many older adults who have lived a full life and are ready to go, but remain suspended between living and dying. My capacity to witness their pain and suffering increases with practice but doesn’t hasten their passing.

The Tipping Point on Aging

Malcom Gladwell’s book The Tipping Point came out in 2001. In it he brilliantly brings into focus how social change occurs. It is not linear. The visionaries, the salespersons, the “mavens” as he tags them, all swirl around, seemingly without connection, until, “Boom!”, the kaleidoscope turns and the pieces fall into place. I am sensing we are at a tipping point now. It has certainly taken a while, but it is here.

Those of us who have been working in the field of aging will tell you that for decades it has been a lonesome journey, with only the occasional gathering of the tribes to reassure us we were not lost in the desert.

We would speak of the same themes: the challenges in meeting the needs of an increasingly older population, lack of funding for research, lack of resources to adequately train and staff care homes and long-term care facilities, underpayment of providers, and a general dismissal of the extraordinary nuances that life offers after that benchmark birthday of 65.

Reclaiming Our Present; Rewriting Our Future

As with many life changes, it is only when we are living the experience that it takes on importance. There are now sufficient numbers of Boomers who are taking stock of what it feels like to be 68 or 73 or 86. And it isn’t like what “they” said it was going to be!

Greater numbers of aging adults are exploring and describing their lived experience. Their words are reaching across the generations and penetrating wider markets. These experiences are in stark contrast with the ageist images of frail elderly or technologically challenged gray-hairs perpetuated by marketers and pharmaceutical companies. We are reclaiming our present and re-writing our future.

Three Questions to Get You Moving

A friend posed three questions to me recently.

“Who are you now?”

“Why are you here?”

“Where would you like your ‘where’ to be?”

Here are my answers:

I am a vital, thoughtful, and passionate older woman who has wisdom and insights worth sharing.

I am here to change lives for the better and to offer compassion and understanding, especially to those who feel silenced or invisible.

I would very much like my “where” to be here and now, although I find myself spending more time with my past and making amends. I realize that my physical “where” may need to be more temporary than it has been, because the world I am a part of right now is unsteady, but my internal “where” is anchored in my heart.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

How do you answer these questions: “Who am I now?” “Why am I here?” “Where would you like your ‘where’ to be?” How has your answer changed in the past year? Why has it changed?

Read More

Less Is More! 4 Reasons Most Older Women Need a Fashion Formula

fashion for women over 60

If you are a woman who follows the blogger, Instagram, and Twitter fashionistas of the world, you have probably gained the impression that you need to wear something new and different every single day. Wrong!

There are a variety of reasons this will not work for you, or most people you know. Not the least being lack of space, lack of time, and lack of money!

I worked out my own personal style many years ago. I continue to wear what suits me and what works for me, although it may not be fashionable. But it is stylish; which, for me, is more important than fashion. What’s stylish for you?

My body has changed shape with the onset of the years. But I use the same formula and vary it to suit my new body type. I’m sometimes challenged to decide if I’m an Apple or a Rectangle as I’m most definitely not an Hourglass any more.

Why Have a Fashion Formula?

Do you have a formula and stick to it? Or do you play swings and roundabouts? You know, having a fashion formula to use for dressing yourself works for most people. It alleviates the pain and suffering of the “I haven’t got a thing to wear” syndrome. It has other benefits too:

Save Money

You will no longer be overspending on clothes that aren’t right for you just for the sake of buying something new. Buy what is right for you. Invest in clothes that co-ordinate with the rest of your wardrobe. I’m, a great fan of mix and match.

Buy items that are expensive enough not to break the bank but are a high enough quality that they will provide you with plenty of wear. Make sure you like what you buy!

Avoid Waste

When you buy clothes that never really work for you, they either go to the local charity shop (which is good) or to a landfill (which is bad). If your wardrobe is bulging at the seams, how many of the clothes in there do you really wear? That is a waste of time, space, and money!

Find Extra Time

You probably don’t have the time, or maybe even the inclination, to spend hours on shopping, and putting different outfits together. Time is precious and you need a simple and convenient way to get dressed.

Be Comfortable, Stylish, and Happy

Do more of what works rather than trying something new all the time. If you’re not being fashionable or especially creative, you will feel good about yourself. But of course, trying something new can be very exciting!

A Fashion Formula Should Be Simple

It may seem very basic; it’s supposed to be. Depending on your body shape, you will need only the 10 following items:

  • A white t-shirt – with elbow length sleeves
  • A pair of boot-cut jeans – high-rise is usually better and more comfortable
  • A plain white shirt – with button down collar
  • A black jacket – single breasted with a little shape works best
  • Black pumps – lengthen those legs
  • Crew neck sweater
  • A wrap dress – for everybody but an apple body shape
  • A skirt – pencil or otherwise
  • A trench coat or leather jacket
  • A pair of sneakers, ankle boots, or both

Yes, with these items, you can dress stylishly and in great comfort every day, especially when you choose the right accessories.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What makes up your list of basic wardrobe items? Is there something missing from the list? Personally, I doubt if I could live with one pair of shoes and one pair of boots. How about you? If you’d like to know what goes with what, let me know and I shall see if I can help. Please join the conversation.

Read More

How I Navigated My Difficult Relationship with My Mom: 6 Great Caregiving Tips

How I Navigated My Difficult Relationship with My Mom 6 Great Caregiving Tips

I did not get along with my mom. We both had strong personalities, different ways of looking at life, and personal issues that made it hard to be nice to each other. Once I became old enough to speak up, we were off and running, fighting for the last word and sometimes fighting just to fight. I used to think our relationship was so rocky because we were so different. Now I know it was because we were so much alike!

Nevertheless, she was my mom and I loved her despite our snarky relationship. When Mom was diagnosed with Dementia, I immediately stepped up to be her caregiver. I wanted to support and lovingly care for her. 

My Mom Was Proud and Independent

It was hard. She hated the thought of losing her independence. She had been a formidable, self-sufficient powerhouse who ruled the roost. She was so proud, and asking for or accepting help was not her style. Having me show up offering help she felt she didn’t need was excruciatingly difficult for her and made her angry and anxious (Read my article, Caregiving a Difficult Parent: How to Cope and Heal the Relationship).

I Carried Some Emotional Baggage from My Past

They say if you are hysterical, it’s historical. I was most certainly hysterical in the beginning. I acknowledged that I had some serious baggage I needed to unpack from my relationship with her if I was going to survive my caregiving journey. Mom was not going to change, so I had to. 

My Strategies to Minimize the Negative Narrative

Here are 6 effective strategies I developed and lessons I’ve learned along the way that may help if your parent or loved one can be difficult, grouchy, or mean and your relationship with them is challenging. Taken together they can ease the tension and diffuse the negative narrative.

Self-Awareness

I had to take a long hard look at my behaviors and triggers. I started paying close attention to my reactions to my mom by noting the way my body, mind, and heart were feeling when she baited me or argued with me. I questioned my reasons for being angry, defensive, and frustrated and slowly picked apart what was bothering me and why.

One thing I noticed was that I came into every conversation ready to fight, annoyed and defensive. When I started the conversation with a better attitude and listened, she felt heard and wasn’t as defensive. I tried numerous techniques to count to 10, breathe, pause, remain calm, and be curious rather than critical. We began to be civil to each other and eventually had nice conversations. It wasn’t easy, but the softer I was, the softer she became.

Seek Support 

Don’t do it alone. We are only as sick as our secrets. When we share our stories, concerns, and challenges, we shine a light on them and we allow others to give us support, hear us, validate our emotions, and give us a new perspective.

When we are so close to our loved ones without feedback from others, the overwhelm can feel insurmountable. I found a trusted group of caregivers, a therapist, a church group, and family and friends I could reach out to night and day.

I didn’t find them all at once by any means, but I refused to give up until I found people I could count on and reach out to who were good listeners and caring supporters.

Humor

Interestingly enough, my mom had a great sense of humor, and we did think the same things were funny. If I was honest, I had spent much of my life trying to make her laugh that wicked laugh of hers. When I took the time to be relaxed and positive and worked at making her laugh more than trying to be right, humor became a critical bond between us.

Smiling and laughing together was a key to getting along and healing our relationship. I worked at seeing the funny side of things instead of being so tense all the time.

Do You Want to Be Right or Do You Want to Be Happy?

As Mom began to lose her battle with dementia and became more anxious, irrational, and distressed, it became obvious to me that she needed comfort and support, not aggravation or confrontation. I began to ask myself if it was more important to be right or be happy?

Needing to be right seemed so ridiculous and even cruel. I began to understand that agreeing with her was so much easier and kinder. Surprisingly, when I stopped trying to be right all the time, so did Mom. Being happy was so much better than being right. 

Radical Self-Care 

Self-care is critical, necessary, and deserved, not a luxury item. You can’t give from an empty cup. If I was rested, eating healthy foods, taking a little time for myself, and making sure I prioritized my well-being, I was calmer, more patient, and more compassionate. Taking care of me made me stronger to take care of her. By making sure my needs were met, I became a better caregiver.

Walk Away If You Are Able

If my mom became agitated and I wasn’t able to calm her down or respond to her properly, I would simply walk away after saying “I’ll be right back, Mom.” The separation eased the tension. Stepping away from the fire when possible usually puts it out. I would make sure she was safe if I left her alone. If it wasn’t, I would see if someone could stay with her while I cooled off. When I wasn’t able to step completely away, I would at least text or call someone to let off the steam and get support.

I No Longer Needed to Have the Last Word

I found a combination of these tactics gave me the space and energy to face my Mom when she was being less than kind. I began to value our relationship more when I could manage it better by responding rather than reacting. Arguing and disagreement had no place in the final time I had with her.

As I watched her become so lost and confused and her spark began to diminish, my time with her became so precious. I wasn’t about to waste it. I worked hard at being able to appreciate who she was and what she meant to me. With a little bit of luck and lots of work, I got to know this dynamic woman. I gained insight and made memories.

I was blessed to find that at times we could be two peas in a pod who could laugh and love together. It was no longer about having the last word, it was about sharing our words. I am forever grateful that instead of fighting with her, I fought to change and heal our relationship and shine as her caregiver.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Have you been someone’s caregiver? How did that change your relationship? What compromises or solutions did you find for being a better caregiver to your loved one?

Read More