Month: January 2025

Loss comes in many forms. Some losses are tangible, like the passing of a loved one, while others are intangible – difficult to define and often harder to grieve. Ambiguous loss is one such experience: the profound sense of mourning for someone who is still alive. It’s a grief that lacks closure, yet its impact can be just as deep. For me, this kind of loss hit close to home in my relationship with my mother.

My Story: Grieving the Relationship That Never Was

Growing up, I longed for the nurturing and supportive bond that many daughters have with their mothers. Unfortunately, my mother’s emotional illness made that dream impossible. I was often cast as the scapegoat, the target of her frustrations and insecurities. Over time, I realized that the relationship I so deeply craved – a loving, reciprocal connection – would never exist.

Acknowledging this truth was heartbreaking. How do you grieve a loss when the person is still present in your life? How do you move forward when you’re not mourning their absence but the relationship you’ll never have? These questions led me on a journey of self-discovery, healing, and acceptance. If you don’t grieve, that person, whoever they are, will hold power over you for a lifetime.

Understanding Ambiguous Loss

Ambiguous loss is a term coined by Dr. Pauline Boss to describe situations where the loss is unclear or unresolved. It occurs when a person is physically present but emotionally or psychologically absent, such as in cases of mental illness, addiction, dementia, or estranged relationships. This type of grief is unique because it’s ongoing; there’s no definitive ending, making it challenging to process.

If you’ve ever experienced this kind of loss, know that your feelings are valid. Mourning what could have been is a natural response to unmet expectations and unfulfilled hopes.

Steps to Acknowledge and Navigate Your Emotions

Validate Your Feelings

It’s normal to feel a mix of emotions: sadness, anger, guilt, or even relief. I remember that sense of relief when I got the news that my mother had passed – silently I mused, whew, she can’t hurt me anymore. There were no tears as I had mourned the loss a few years prior. These emotions can be overwhelming, but they are a natural part of the grieving process. Give yourself permission to feel without judgment. Ambiguous loss doesn’t have a set roadmap, so your journey is uniquely yours.

Name the Loss

Putting words to your experience can be incredibly liberating. Say it out loud: “I am grieving the relationship I wish I had with my mother (or sister or daughter or father or brother).” Acknowledging the loss helps you confront it instead of suppressing it.

Practice Self-Compassion

Be kind to yourself. It’s easy to fall into a cycle of self-blame, wondering if you could have done more to change the relationship. Remind yourself that some dynamics are beyond your control, and it’s okay to let go of what’s hurting you.

Building a Support System

Dealing with ambiguous loss can feel isolating, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Surround yourself with people who understand and support you.

Lean on Friends and Family

Share your feelings with TRUSTED loved ones who can provide a listening ear and emotional support. Often, just being heard can bring immense relief. Be mindful of those who would minimize and discount your pain.

Find a Community

Consider joining support groups for individuals experiencing similar types of loss. Hearing others’ stories can help you feel less alone and provide valuable insights.

Seek Professional Help

A therapist or counselor can help you navigate the complexities of ambiguous grief. They can offer tools to manage your emotions and build resilience.

Embracing a New Narrative

One of the most challenging aspects of ambiguous loss is letting go of the “what ifs” and “if onlys.” Rewriting your narrative allows you to focus on the present rather than dwelling on the past. Sometimes it’s a matter of “de-monsterizing” (my made-up word) the person because they can seem like a Goliath in our mind’s-eye.

Focus on What You Can Control

While you can’t change the other person, you can control your reactions and choices. Prioritize your well-being and set healthy boundaries.

Celebrate Small Victories

Healing is not a linear process. Celebrate the moments when you feel lighter, freer, or more at peace.

Create New Connections

Invest in relationships that bring joy and fulfillment. Building a strong support network can fill the emotional gaps left by the ambiguous loss.

Finding Closure Without Resolution

Closure doesn’t always mean resolving a relationship. Sometimes, it means finding peace within yourself. For me, closure came when I accepted my mother for who she was, without expecting her to change. It doesn’t mean the pain disappears, but it becomes easier to carry. It’s knowing that hurt people hurt people. It’s acknowledging that some people simply have flawed life tools.

Ambiguous loss is a silent struggle for many women, especially those in their 60s and beyond who have weathered decades of complex relationships. By acknowledging this unique grief, validating your emotions, and seeking support, you can begin to heal and create a fulfilling life despite the loss.

Final Thoughts

If you’re grieving someone who is still alive, know that you are not alone. Your feelings are real, and your journey matters. Healing is possible – one step, one moment, one day at a time. Embrace your emotions, seek support, and give yourself the grace to move forward. The life you create after loss can be beautiful and meaningful, even when it looks different from what you once imagined. Believe me, I know!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What kind of loss are you grieving? Have you experienced ambiguous loss? What did it look like to you and how have you managed it?

He was one of the top-paid NFL players at the time.

The Bachelor alum announced their split in a surprise Instagram post.

“I never have coffee before we head out because it makes me poop.”

Meet my younger sister, Lucy, who made an offhand comment over dinner about planning and prepping for the Grand Canyon’s (GC) “rim-to-rim.” The term is just what it sounds like: from the top of one side of the canyon, hikers descend to the canyon’s floor, trek the 10-miles, cross the raging Colorado River on a suspension bridge (freaked Lucy out) and finally hike up the other canyon-side. (People do this “for fun,” I’m told.)

Lucy casually added, “Ben and I start planning and prepping for the rim-to-rim a good six months in advance.” (Caveat: Ben grew up in Phoenix and knows his way around the GC. Non-locals need a year of planning and prep.)

At her words, my ears perked. The parallels between heavy planning and prepping for a monster-hike and planning/prepping for a lifetime weight loss seemed pretty obvious to me.

Here’s what I learned: My sister and her husband plan their hike as if their lives depend on it because they do: people die in the canyon every year (11 out of millions of visitors last year, but still) and 250 more are rescued by helicopter.

So, Lucy and Ben take many hilly practice hikes in the mountains near Phoenix, they break in new hiking boots, they figure out which foods they’ll tolerate in extreme temps, which water “bladder” works the best for them and so forth.

Weight Loss Takes Extreme Planning

Am I suggesting that nailing a permeant weight loss is akin to hiking the Grand Canyon rim-to-rim? No, in fact, I’m saying it’s much harder. Creating a lifetime weight loss after menopause is not for the timid. And within our hearts we need to respect how difficult our trek really is.

Because when we’re losing for a lifetime, we’re actually transforming into a different and better version of ourselves.

It’s my thought that the diet-culture has been murmuring sweet nothings into our ears for decades – just use our product and you’ll be slim next week – and we don’t see the forest for the trees. The cartel has long told us that if we just use their product, losing weight will be easy-peasy. And then when we don’t find it easy, they blame us (their customers).

At that, we then blame ourselves for making weight loss/preserving “unnecessarily” hard. And walk through life thinking it’s all our fault.

I’ll be the first to say: Weight loss/maintenance is hard (as if you hadn’t noticed).

Smart Food

I lost 55-pounds in my early 40s and have maintained (I say preserved) the original loss for 18 years to date. (I’m currently 60.)

This is a good time to add that I’m a former private practice therapist. But funny enough, the type of therapeutic approach I used to lose/preserve ended up not being what I studied in school beyond an intro class. I hadn’t realized that I’d been using cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) the entire time I was losing/preserving weight early on.

Just like the rim-to-rimers, I take planning and prepping super-seriously too.

Prepping

Every Sunday afternoon you’ll find me prepping for the coming week. It’s my thought that fast food has stolen the very idea of convenience from us, and it’s high time we take it back for ourselves. So on Sundays I prep these foods: sliced apple with lemon to keep them from browning, baggies of brown rice, baggies of hard-boiled eggs, mini pumpkin muffins, a three-bean salad and you get the idea. The goal is to make life as easy as possible on ourselves when we’re losing/preserving after age 50.

In the beginning, when I had just started to lose weight (I had hit my own version of bottom), and while I was rabid to lose/preserve the loss, I realized that I needed to take it slowly. I was eating on a specific food plan (find yours at the annual U.S. News & World Report) and every morning I would list in my notebook the obstacles I would face on that particular day re: food. After writing the obstacles down like: “I see Lynn for lunch at noon” I then add solutions to the tough moments. These are my three suggestions for the Lynn-obstacle:

Use the “Eat Before You Eat” Tool

Once you’ve pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant eat an apple or banana or a small thing of yogurt. The “eat before you eat” tool is a game-changer because now you’re no longer relying on willpower. When you “eat before you eat” you’re not cowed by hunger.

Get Acquainted with the Menu

I’m assuming that earlier you’d pulled up the restaurant’s menu and took your time reading the menu in full without an insistent server. Having taken a few moments to read the menu, you arrive knowing exactly what you want to order.

Get a Salad

If you’re not ready to “go public” with your new eating plan (which is perfectly fine) consider not ordering veggies and brown rice and instead ask for a large salad (it won’t automatically grab Lynn’s attention like the rice and veggies would). This situation actually happened to me. A friend who loved her food looked at my brown rice and veggies scornfully. Our relationship didn’t make it much further than that lunch.

And I know that salads can be made to be super high in calories too. Just become skilled in making requests like ask for the blue cheese, dressing and walnuts to be placed on the side. And then, of course, use very little of all the extras. Think: leafy greens and tomatoes.

For the smartest of eating tips, stop on by!

We’ve so got this.

Let’s Start a Conversation:

Have you experienced an extreme sport like hiking the Grand Canyon rim-to-rim? What do you think about an epic hike being compared to planning for smart eating when we’re over 50? Do you have a great food to use with the “eat before you eat” tool? If yes, please share! We all need ideas.

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