Month: March 2025

I have been married three times. If you met me, you would know immediately I am not the Elizabeth Taylor type. My three men did not seduce me with rock-sized engagement rings. I did not tire of any of them: they were or are all good men! It is only life’s unpredictable circumstances that have made me a serial bride.

I have come to realize that the tenure of each of my marriages corresponds to three unique stages of life: young adulthood, family-focused years, and now retirement. All three marriages can offer some wisdom into how being in a relationship at various times in one’s life is so different, even if one’s partner remains the same! I am also quite stunned on a daily basis that marriage can bring such great satisfaction later in life.

Marriage in Retirement

Dr. Sara Yogev, in her book A Couple’s Guide to Happy Retirement, has discovered through counseling her patients for over 30 years, and in the literature, that newly retired individuals report the lowest marital satisfaction and highest marital conflict compared to older retirees, the unretired, and those still working. It seems to take about two years for husbands and wives in retirement to settle down and begin to make accommodations to the other’s needs (if they can).

Each member of the couple has uniquely different desires in retirement, and both have not spent such a great amount of time together… ever! Luckily, Dr. Yogev has some great suggestions for the common problems. Perhaps such a consultation can lower the “grey divorce” rate which has tripled among those over 65 since the 1990s. Also, a look at marriage in prior life stages might illuminate the challenges and pleasures which marriage can bring in one’s later years.

Also read, Why Do Couples Divorce Later in Life?

Young Adulthood

Like many in my generation, I married at a very young age: engaged at 19 and married at 20. I fell in love with my first husband at a summer religious youth camp. We came from the same community, and there was a great alignment of values, friends, and aspirations for the future.

We supported each other in every important way through college, both living at home, and working in our spare time to save enough to get married in our senior year. Our future looked bright, and we were supported by loving parents, siblings and the local community.

Although our stars aligned, I was too young for so much responsibility while still in college. I had no experience with all the required domestic duties, and I found them to be quite burdensome. Right after our honeymoon, I was thrown into my student teaching semester, with its own very adult responsibilities.

I secretly wanted to have the marriage annulled, but I felt badly about the cost of the wedding album which had not yet been delivered by the photographer!

Unfortunately, this 8-year marriage ended when my young husband was killed in a tragic accident at the age of 30, leaving me with a toddler. Although my marriage had quite an unusual ending, women who marry too young often are not prepared emotionally for the adult requirements of running a household, intimacy on a daily basis, and lose the years required for deep self-exploration.

Family Focused Years

After surviving the first two years as a widow and single parent, fate smiled upon me.

I took my daughter to register for nursery school, and the secretary just happened to be a childhood friend of my mother. She introduced me to the education director of that institution, and we fell in love immediately.

Once again, there was a large, loving community enveloping us, an alignment of values, this time of a very spiritual nature, and our son was a happy surprise who needed a babysitter as we celebrated our first anniversary.

My second husband gladly adopted my daughter, and all four of us reveled in our hard-won family status: I was a young widow, and my husband was a 40-year-old bachelor, now with two children. My daughter now had a brother!

Unfortunately, a tragic death leaves its imprint on everyone in an extended family. I now had the old in-laws, the new in-laws and their tribe, and a daughter affected by her father’s death.

Even our son was influenced by the family saga which never seemed to recede. Unfortunately, this 18-year marriage ended in divorce. This was a hectic time, with both of us working so many hours, coping with domestic chores and full children’s schedules. We all did the hard work in therapy, but we were pulled under the strong current of past events and the daily grind common to many couples in middle age.

Marriage in Later Life

Not being one to give in to adversity, after several years passed, I signed up for Match.com. Along comes husband #3 and a reawakening of love and passion… at the age of 51! At this juncture, extended family obligations had receded. Robert and I were able to focus on our relationship, especially when my son went off to college. One of my friends now calls us a happy “nation of two.”

Although we’ve been married for 20 years and have passed through the abrupt end of my career and his tricky divorce, we find ourselves in a daily state of comfort, living the intersection of similar values and interests, and palpable feelings of love and support.

These later years have great poignancy with their inherent illnesses, losses, and diminishing future. I’ve been by Robert’s side as he navigated two serious illnesses, and he’s been by my side as I lost both parents and continue to unravel my family history.

I find marriage so much more satisfying at this age for a number of reasons. In previous life stages, I always felt the competition of my agenda (which always included my children’s needs) vs. my husband’s. Now that I’m retired, I have no compelling agenda. I am able to pivot easily depending on the demands of the moment, yet I honor the carefully curated life I’ve chosen.

“Time,” which was always ferociously biting at my heels, is now a vague concept. I often lose track of the current date. This casual approach to life has extended to Robert. Although I was previously described by him as “strident,” I just let this man be. There is no longer the noticing or the judgments about behavior, appearance, domestic faux pas, etc.

Marriage in later life can be the result of all the relationship wisdom gathered over a lifetime through life’s stages. In the words of Desmond Tutu, “Our maturity will be judged by how well we are able to disagree and continue to love one another, to care for one another, and cherish one another, and seek the greater good of the other.”

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What is your experience of marriage? Is your relationship a long and happy one or have you been through separation and divorce? How have relationships worked out for you thus far?

Jokingly, we have all heard, and then chuckled, the phrase, “Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?” We call that procrastination. Wikipedia’s definition of procrastination is the act of unnecessarily postponing something despite knowing that there could be negative consequences for doing so. We all do this in some areas of our life, but why?

Taboo Topic

In my industry, personal finance, I have decided that too often when people procrastinate financial actions it is due to the tendency to avoid negative emotions. For some, money in general elicits feelings of stress or uncertainty. Maybe it was a source of tension in your household growing up or in past relationships. For many women, it’s an overall feeling of guilt and/or lack of confidence in feeling like we never learned or were taught about money.

Depending on what stage of life we are in, our spending plan or purchase decisions or investment decisions can all bring uneasiness. Or how about the most procrastinated area of personal finance, estate planning? Who wants to think about death and incapacity? Thinking about losing loved ones is definitely fraught with negative emotions.

And to add to all of that, money has pretty much been one of those taboo topics in many cultures and countries that people often just don’t talk about. For a variety of reasons, families have not historically shared financial decision-making stressors or approached the learning lesson opportunities that come with using money as a tool in life.

The Nike Solution

Regardless of the context of how you got to where you are today in your financial life, money personality, and personal finance habits, how can you avoid procrastination and move forward for optimal financial health? I think Nike may have discovered the solution, whether we are talking about money or other actions in life.

I recently learned about Dr. Tim Pychyl, author of the book Solving the Procrastination Puzzle. As a professor of psychology, he researched the impact of intentional actions on personal well-being. His bottom line finding was that the key to overcoming procrastination is… to just get started.

“Just do it!” like Nike says. That 1988 slogan led to one of the most successful marketing campaigns in history. By tapping into the personal and relatable goal of achieving something, Nike inspired people to take action and pursue their goals regardless of obstacles. Nike became a companion in personal triumph.

Your Companion

Dr. Pychyl went on to clarify that we should not wait to be in the mood for whatever goal we want to accomplish. You get in the mood by starting any action toward your goal. His book shares several strategies for taking that first step and maintaining momentum.

Nothing wrong with being a DIY-er (do-it-yourself), especially on some things, which is also why I have a variety of financial checklists available for various stages of life and a FREE master calendar for completing financial tasks. However, I have seen the value of a companion in personal triumph, like Nike’s approach.

Accountability partners, isn’t that a big part of the success of organizations like Weight Watchers, Griefshare, Alcoholics Anonymous, etc.? Occasionally, I have clients that want a personal financial plan with recommendations that they plan to take and implement themselves without my further involvement. I have yet to see that work out as they had hoped. Other times, since life is busy, busy, busy and part of my role is to be what I call a “Nice Nag,” proactively bring up and keep reminding about actions they identified as important to them.

Also read, Retirement: Turn Your Worry List into a To-Do List.

Just Get Started

So how do you just get started, like Nike and Dr. Pychyl suggest? Small “mind tricks” that I have found helpful have to do with visible reminders, i.e., sticky notes, tickler files, etc. For example, if a goal is to review your estate plan or complete some paperwork, place the physical paper in a visible place that will bother you until it is moved.

My personal pet peeve is to have paperwork pile up on my kitchen island where I have a nice centerpiece. I prefer to keep that area decluttered and always nice looking since it is the first thing you see when you enter the kitchen. Yet if I put a book, file, paperwork, etc. on that island as a To Do reminder, it will get done (because I don’t like it there!) compared to if I just leave it on a desk, by the computer, on a side counter, etc.

Pick one next step and do it. Don’t wait to be in the mood. That’s the research. What is the one best thing you can do next for your financial health?

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you have mind tricks that have helped you move forward on your financial health? What has NOT worked? Is there something you have experienced that you can share with our community to help other women?

Twenty years of marriage is a milestone worth celebrating. My late husband, Tom, and I had grand plans – a dreamy Caribbean cruise, soaking in the sun, and the love we had built over two decades.

“I’m the luckiest guy to have married you, Kathleen! And I’m gonna love you forever!” he would say, his voice filled with warmth and certainty. But forever was cut short. That cruise never happened. Our 20th anniversary passed, not with champagne and ocean breezes, but with an emptiness I never saw coming.

I became part of a club no woman ever hopes to join – the widows’ club. A club where time is measured in memories and love lingers as both a comfort and an ache.

The Shock and Fog of Widowhood

It was early December when we received Tom’s diagnosis: incurable, inoperable cancer. Two months later, just before Valentine’s Day, he died in my arms. Within weeks, my widowed mother died, and my father had passed two years earlier. To top it off, even my cat died. Loss upon loss left me feeling lost myself.

Simple things became impossible. Where were my car keys? What was my Social Security number? Was I losing my mind? Sleep was elusive – I couldn’t figure out what side of the bed to slumber on. I desperately wanted to feel Tom’s embrace again, his goodnight kiss. But the bed remained cold, and my grief felt endless.

I describe it as a tunnel of darkness. Tom had transitioned into the light, and I was stuck in the shadows. I wanted to go with him, but of course, I couldn’t.

Financial Worries and the “Bag Lady” Syndrome

Despite my credentials – a Ph.D., a career as a Certified Financial Planner, and even recognition as one of the top 100 planners nationwide – I initially panicked about money. Tom’s Social Security checks stopped, his pension check continued but was smaller than before, and I wasn’t sure if I could run our financial planning business without my husband’s assistance.

You might say I felt like a bag lady in the making, even though I had the tools to prevent it. But I quickly regained clarity, reassessing my financial standing. Yes, of course I was going to be okay – at least financially. But what about the widows who didn’t have my background? How terrifying must this financial uncertainty feel for them? That realization led me to shift my career focus toward helping widows navigate their financial futures.

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Widowhood

Losing a spouse is the single greatest stressor in life. It affects cognitive function, memory, and decision-making. Some call it “widow brain fog”— making simple tasks feel impossible.

Common Emotions Include:

• Disbelief: “I can’t believe he’s never walking through that door again.”
• Identity Crisis: “Who am I now that I’m not Mrs. Jim Jones?”
• Anger: “Why did you have to leave me? We had retirement plans!”
• Fear: “How do I handle everything alone?”
• Guilt: “It’s not fair! I have more money now than when he was alive?”
• Confusion: “How do I even cook for one person now when I’m not even hungry?”

Every widow’s grief is different. Even I, who have experienced widowhood, never say, “I know exactly how you feel,” because I don’t. But I can listen, support, and offer practical assistance.

Widowhood Is a Journey That Unfolds in Stages:

Grief

• Immediate tasks like funeral arrangements, benefits processing, and basic financial triage take priority.
• Because decision-making may be impaired, avoid making major changes like selling your house too soon.
• Transfer life insurance benefits to a high-interest earning money market account until you can make thoughtful, longer-term choices.
• Focus on self-care, including exercise, yoga, meditation, and remembering to eat and sleep.
• Download Financial Steps for New Widows, a free eBooklet to use when doing items on that checklist.

Growth

• Emotional healing begins, but grief may still come in waves.
• Cognitive functions improve, allowing for clearer financial and life decisions.
• Review and adjust basic financial plans, including appropriate investments, basic estate planning documents, tax situation, insurance, and pre- or post-retirement plans.

Grace/Transformation

• Reclaim independence, expand interests, and possibly seek new relationships.
• Consider advanced legacy planning, community engagement, and rediscovering personal passions.

Actions to Avoid Common Pitfalls

Don’t Rush

• While immediate steps like funeral arrangements and bill payments must be addressed, other decisions can wait.
• Take time before making major financial moves, like selling property or investing life insurance payouts.

Beware of Financial Wolves

• Predatory salespeople have been known to target widows.
• Avoid “too good to be true” investment schemes and high-pressure tactics.
• If you don’t understand a financial product, don’t buy it.

Rethink Housing Decisions

• To escape memories, some widows may consider moving immediately, but drastic changes should be made with a clear mind.
• Don’t pay off your mortgage immediately with life insurance proceeds, as that money may serve you better in other ways – which you’ll understand later.
• If possible, wait several months or more before downsizing or relocating.

Get Real About Your Finances

• Create a cash flow statement to review where your money comes from and where it goes. Also create a net worth statement – summarizing everything you own and everything you owe.
• Update legal wills, trusts, and beneficiaries.
• Reassess investments to ensure they align with your new single status.
• Consider working with a financial advisor who understands the emotional aspects of money management and provides comprehensive financial planning.

Don’t Be a “Purse or a Nurse”

• A widow in her 90s gave me this good advice when I started dating later. “Don’t be a purse, a nurse, or god forbid, their mother!” She was right! I met all three types… and walked away from each of those guys!
• Step away from being pressured to support adult children or enter relationships where they become caregivers – which negatively drains their own personal and financial reserves.
• Be cautious with financial handouts and protect your independence – unscrupulous scammers consider lonely widows easy prey.

Planning Ahead: The Best Gift to Your Partner Today

Many women assume their spouse will always “handle the money.” I call this Magical Thinking. Statistics show that 70% of all married women will experience widowhood at least once during their lifetime. Instead of avoiding money conversations, make financial discussions a shared responsibility. Together, review this list below:

• Wills, trusts, and health care directives
• Investment accounts and beneficiaries
• Pension and Social Security strategies
• Homeownership and insurance information
• Digital assets and account passwords
• Where important documents and records are located
• What to do or not do when one spouse passes – including professionals to contact

Love may be eternal, but life isn’t. Preparing in advance is a valuable gift to both partners.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

“Widowhood is a path no one chooses, but together, we can find strength, healing, and financial clarity. Whether you’re newly widowed or years into this journey, your story matters. What advice helped you the most? What wisdom would you pass on to another woman walking this road? Let’s support one another – because while loss may shape us, it does not define us.”

Maybe it’s not a feeling of fear that you feel… maybe it’s more like dread or uneasiness of the unknown. The dictionary definition of the word retirement is “the action or fact of leaving one’s job and ceasing to work.”

Since a large part of our life and identity for many years has been our work, the thought of not having that can make us unsure of the future.

The boomer generation and those that follow should be considering the distinct possibility that we just might live into our 90s. To cease working for 25-30 years after retirement is a long time!

There are steps to take to face the ThirdThird of life, i.e., ages 60-90, without fear. Here are 5 suggestions to combat the dread of the unknown, the uneasiness of what to do with a lot of years – possibly another one-third of your life – “post job.”

Choose Your Words

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. – Wayne Dyer

The first way to begin to move past the fear of what retirement means for you is to eliminate the word “retirement” from your vocabulary. Don’t think of your life as empty or purposeless or “post-work.” Think of it as your ThirdThird!

If you retire at 60 and live to be 90, that’s a long 30 years. Thirty years is a third of 90, so you have the opportunity to build on your first two thirds of your life and make your ThirdThird your Best Third!

Think of your life in the ThirdThird as opportunity. You have the opportunity to build on all of the experience, wisdom and skill that you have amassed.

Invest Your Time in a Meaningful Way

I have some discretionary time, and I have skills in need of an outlet. I was on the prowl, as it were, to find a way to contribute to our community in a meaningful way.

I am not really ‘Board material’ as I prefer action to talk. I don’t want to be involved in politics. I have tried mentoring and have found my particular mentees to be less than motivated. I’ve volunteered at church and Habitat for Humanity events with good success, but in one-time events.

Years ago, I was invited to an informational lunch about the Community Health Clinic in our county. I learned that they have a Food as Medicine program, well-funded by grants, and they need a volunteer leader to make it better.

They had an intern who was there daily, so it was a leadership/development opportunity more than a show-up-and-make-it-happen commitment. I had always thought of nutrition as my hobby, so I jumped in.

I was excited about this Food as Medicine program and the monthly pop-up food pantry we had. I could see myself doing this for a long while.

There are opportunities that will fit your skills and interests. If you are looking for them, you’ll find them!

Pursue an Interest

When you do not have to show up someplace at 8:00 a.m. every day, you have some time to follow your curiosity. Don’t worry about finding your passion. Just find things to be curious about.

A friend of mine has discovered contra dancing and is often housing various other dancers who come to our town for festivals and exhibitions.

Another friend is making “working wall art,” combining wood with antique and vintage door knobs. He and others I know find great enjoyment selling their various wares at the local farmer’s market.

I think it is safe to say that there is a class available for just about anything you might want to explore. If not in your community, then definitely online. Maybe some travel will help you stir or deepen an interest you can pursue.

Make Health a Priority

I read that 70-90% of disease is lifestyle related. I believe that. A client of mine in her late 70s recently got her blood pressure under control in six weeks by changing her diet and walking daily.

Falls and joint pain are just two of the common concerns that come along with age. Regular yoga helps with both since balance and flexibility are both addressed. Walking is an easy way to get blood flowing and heart pumping with all the good feelings that a bit of exercise brings along.

I resorted to putting a scale in our kitchen to remind myself and my husband that we have a weight we want to stay beneath. Even our son who has Down Syndrome has been able to get his weight under control with our daily reminder – brutal as it seems, to some.

In our ThirdThird, making health a priority can make our years post-work much more satisfying.

Give Yourself a Deadline to Meet

Take advantage of the fact that you are in control of your time – now. Choose one thing that you have said you would do when you retired, or that you dreamed of doing, and set a deadline for completing it. Or, set a deadline for starting it!

I published my first book in 2018. I talked about it and planned it for a long time and it all came together when I was 66. I said it would be done in January of 2018 and guess what? It was!

Just as in your business/working life, there was nothing as motivating as a deadline, so it is now as you are making the most of the opportunities you have in your ThirdThird. One thing at a time. Set a goal and a deadline.

Build a purposeful life. Make you ThirdThird the best Third of your life by fearlessly refusing to think of yourself as ‘retired.’

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What ways have you had to adjust your thinking after your career years ended? How are you planning for your post-work years? What joy have you found in new opportunities with more discretionary time? Please join the conversation below and share your experiences and insights.

Everyone was more than a little surprised.