4 Ways to Support Your Adult Children When Become Parents
In 2015, I published a blog on Sixty and Me about supporting adult children, Letting Go, and the Art of Parenting Adult Children. In it I shared, “I am hoping to be a grandma one day soon….” Then, in 2020, my wish came true, and I wrote Don’t Miss Out on the Gift of Grandparenting.
Recently, I was approached by Clare Ansberry, a Wall Street Journal journalist who read my Sixty and Me blog and asked to interview me and, subsequently, my daughter. Her article The Toughest Part of Being a Grandparent: Ceding Control came out for Mother’s Day, and the quote from my daughter was my greatest Mother’s Day gift!
Becki Cohn-Vargas was thrilled when her daughter had a baby boy in 2020, but less thrilled when her daughter bought a large puppy. Cohn-Vargas offered to take care of her grandson and the puppy at her house, but the playful puppy scared her own older dog.
“It was not working out,” says Cohn-Vargas. She told her daughter, Melania Khouie-Vargas, that she thought it was a mistake to get a big dog and suggested finding another owner or giving the dog back to the breeder. Her daughter said she wasn’t getting rid of the dog but agreed to send the puppy to doggy daycare when her mom provided child care.
“We moved on and it was fine,” says Khouie-Vargas. . . .Having had her own child, she admires her mom – who raised three children and was a school principal, superintendent and author – even more. “I’m in awe of how she did it,” she says.
While grandparenting can be one of the greatest gifts, I reflect on what I wrote before I had grandchildren and agree with Clare Ansberry about “ceding control” to our adult children when they become parents. Since having a grandchild (now five years old), I also want to elaborate on the three suggestions I described in my first article and add a fourth:
Letting Go of Worry
Letting go of the fear that something will happen to my kids (and grandkids). It will. That is just life.
To be honest, I cannot completely let go of worry. However, I can put that worry in check and try not to let it dominate me.
Letting Go of Giving Advice
Accepting their choices. Clearly, they won’t always be the same as the ones I would have made.
As I said in my Clare Ansberry interview, while I seek to limit the advice I offer, sometimes I believe my advice is valuable. The challenge is not to harp on it. With my daughter’s dog, I prefaced my remarks with the words, “I want to offer some advice, but if you choose not to follow it, no worries, I will not repeat it.” Although she did not take my advice, I never brought up the topic again. As she said in her interview, “We moved on and it was fine.”
Letting Go of Guilt-Tripping
Accepting that my kids have their own lives and that’s a good thing.
Definitely, guilt-tripping and words like “I told you so” are not helpful. I have sought to eliminate that from my vocabulary (except occasionally to my husband).”
An additional suggestion:
Letting Go of Feeling Guilty
There is so much being written about generational trauma, passed down from parent to child. The problem is that it leads to guilt. As we reflect on the traumas we inherited from our parents, we most likely attempt to do things differently with our children. But by the time grandchildren show up, we realize that was not so easy and can find ourselves feeling helpless and guilty.
I love this quote from Sherry Bronson’s Sixty and Me blog, Do Mothers and Grandmothers Ever Stop Feeling Guilty:
“We do our imperfect best. From the moment we push them naked and helpless from our bodies, they’re ours to nurture, protect, and love. They come without instructions, and each one is so uniquely different that a single guidebook would never suffice.”
So many things are out of our control, and feeling guilty, like guilt-tripping, does not help. And yet, feeling guilty can happen in a flash. In response to a comment on her blog, Sherry wrote, “Guilt is tricky. It can be triggered when we least expect it and pull us down fast. For me, it’s one of those things I have to acknowledge, then consciously set aside. The best way I’ve found to do that is to picture my grief pouring into a box. When I’ve drained myself of all of it, I mentally close the box, tie a ribbon around it, and blow it a kiss. I watch as the box slowly dissolves and disappears.” I think I will try that too.
Resources Are Available for Advice
Ten years ago, I found hardly any articles to reference for my adult children blog. You can find many more articles, books, and a website: Grownchildren.net, with tips on practical situations like handling family gatherings and weddings.
There, I found some wisdom from the 20th-century philosopher Bertrand Russell:
“When your children are grown up, they want to live their own lives. If you continue to be as interested in them as you were when they were young, you are likely to become a burden to them … I do not mean that one should be without interest in them. Still, one’s interest should be contemplative and, if possible, philanthropic, but not unduly emotional….
“But if you are one of those who are incapable of impersonal interests, you may find that your life will be empty unless you concern yourself with your children and grandchildren. In that case, you must realise that while you can still render them material services, such as making them an allowance or knitting them jumpers, you must not expect that they will enjoy your company.”
I agree with Russell that adult children need to live their own lives and not like we treated them as young children. I must be “incapable of impersonal interest” because I choose to maintain a close family connection. However, as I aim to give my children respect as they navigate parenting, I also afford them plenty of space to do it. Hopefully, they can enjoy my company!
I have a new grandson on the way. He is the first child of my youngest and is due in September. I will keep this blog handy to remind myself of my commitment to cede control and stay connected.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
How do you parent your grown children? Do you show impersonal interest or are you involved with them?
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