Month: September 2025

“MAFSUK” is even wilder than the American version.

September is National Suicide Prevention Month, and it reminds me of the importance of noticing changes in our loved ones’ state of mind and encouraging them to seek help. Prevention is key since suicide is a permanent solution to what can often be a temporary problem.

My first experience with suicide was when I was 10 and my grandmother, who was also my caretaker, took her own life. From then on, there wasn’t much talk about Grandma until one day, more than 20 years later, when my parents were moving from my childhood home in Queens, New York. While packing, they stumbled upon her retrospective journal, which she’d written after emigrating from Vienna in the early 1930s. Only after reading her writings did I come to understand the deep roots of her lifelong, tormenting depression, which eventually led to her suicide at the age of 61.

I tucked her journal away and pulled it out 10 years later just after my breast cancer diagnosis. I was hungry for answers about the cause of my illness – after all, no one in my family had ever been diagnosed with the disease. I considered the possibility that my grandmother took her life as the result of a cancer diagnosis she’d kept to herself.

I hoped her written words could provide an explanation for my own health crisis, but they didn’t. However, something even more profound occurred: the details of her tragic life drew me spiritually closer to her.

I learned that my grandmother’s trauma was being orphaned at the age of 11 during World War I in Poland. Basically, she was forced to become an adult when other teens were dating and having a good time. The lifelog pain of that experience stayed with her until she died.

Grandma’s Legacy

While reading her journal, I realized that I’d never connected with another woman in the same way since her death. As a child, I was an extension of her, and even more so as an adult after her passing. She was the person who planted the seeds for my writing career – not only because she was devoted to the written word herself (evidenced by daily journaling and a propensity for leaving notes on the kitchen table) – but also because she taught me how to type and write my first story, setting the platform for my life as a writer.

Days after learning how to type, I went back and forth between writing stories in my journal and typing on Grandma’s Remington, much in the same way I do today – alternating from journal to keyboard. Thanks to Grandma, in college I earned extra money by typing term papers for other students, and as a young mother I chronicled my kids’ early years. Finally, as a breast cancer survivor, I wrote a memoir based on that experience.

Deep Trauma and Depression

I’d never thought much about the depression that lead to my grandmother’s suicide until after my first breast cancer diagnosis, when I came up against my own depressive demons. I’d always feared depression more than I feared death. In fact, in my 20s, 30s, and early 40s, I veered away from any discussion of depression. To me, it was the poison that killed my grandmother and also infiltrated my mother’s life, so I never wanted it to touch my life or my children’s.

But my commitment to that concept dissipated. I began reading about depression and its genetic components. I think some people (and I may be one of those) are prone to depression as a result of their genetic pool, and that trigger can spring us into a depressive realm. This is what happened to my grandmother as a result of her turbulent childhood and marriage.

When we look for reasons why a loved one would take his or her life, we rummage through our memories, large and small, poignant and delightful, dramatic and banal, horrible and wonderful, in the search for answers. After I finished reading my grandmother’s journal, I understood how a life filled with hardships and horror could result in drastic actions – seemingly inexplicable, yet somehow logical – such as suicide.

Keeping the Memory Alive

Although my grandmother chose to finally give up after her years of hardship, she felt compelled to share her life story in her retrospective journal. Writing about and studying my grandmother’s life has been my way of keeping her alive. Sharing her story has also helped me understand who she was, what she went through, and why she ended her life.

After spending many hours with her for the first 10 years of my life and then reading her journal, I now realize there were many aspects of our personalities and sensibilities that were similar. We were both strong and resilient women in the face of disaster, and we were both caretakers.

Reading my grandmother’s journal reminded me of the intrinsic value of writing and the value of passing on stories from one generation to the next. I believe we stand on the shoulders of giants, but if we didn’t know their stories, we wouldn’t be aware of that. Grandma’s journal was the greatest gift she could have ever bestowed on me.

A Life Without Love

I completed my first memoir, Regina’s Closet: Finding My Grandmother’s Secret Journal on what would have been my grandmother’s one-hundredth birthday. As I neared its completion, I recalled every image and memory of her, and the result was a renewed understanding of her life and what she endured. This journey has helped me realize that a life without love is no life at all, and those who’ve survived severe childhood traumas continue to live with the pain until the day they die. It is with this new understanding that I will hold my grandmother’s soul close to my heart… and never let it go.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

What childhood trauma has marked your life or that of a loved one? How has it affected you and others around you? What do you know about depression?

He said what?!

Looks like they have competition.

When someone we love moves into a senior living community, it can feel like they are in good hands – and often they are. The best communities offer safe, stimulating environments with compassionate staff and ample programming. But even in the best settings, nothing compares to the emotional nourishment that comes from seeing a familiar, loving face.

Why Your Visits Matter More Than You Think

For older adults, visits from family and friends aren’t just nice – they are essential to emotional and even physical health. Regular visits reduce feelings of abandonment and depression, improve cognitive function, and often extend life expectancy. A 2023 study published in The Gerontologist found that seniors with strong social connections had a 29% lower risk of developing dementia and a significantly lower rate of hospitalization.

The truth is, no matter how exceptional the staff, no one can replace the emotional bond of a child, grandchild, sibling, or lifelong friend. You represent a shared history, identity, and sense of belonging. Your presence tells them they still matter.

How to Make Visiting Easier

Visiting doesn’t have to mean clearing an entire afternoon or orchestrating a major event. Here are some manageable ways to make your visits more frequent and more meaningful:

Create a Routine

A standing weekly or biweekly time makes visiting easier and more likely to happen. It also gives your loved one something to look forward to.

Make It Short but Sweet

Even 15-20 minutes can lift spirits and break up the day.

Bring a Piece of Life with You

Share family photos, videos of the grandkids, a slice of homemade pie, or updates on mutual friends. It helps them feel included in the world beyond the facility.

Do Something Together

Take a walk, attend an activity at the facility, listen to music, or bring a book to read aloud.

Loop in Others

Encourage friends, extended family, and even kids to come along. It diversifies the social interaction and shares the responsibility.

If distance is an issue, use video calls or send handwritten letters or care packages. Staff are usually happy to assist with virtual connections.

But What About Those Without Visitors?

Sadly, many residents in senior communities have no regular visitors at all. Some never married. Others have outlived their family or have loved ones who live far away or are estranged. The result is quiet suffering: long days without connection, no one to advocate for their care, and a slow erosion of identity.

This is where local communities – neighbors, volunteers, faith groups, schools – can step in to fill the gap.

How Communities Can Show Up

Adopt-a-Resident Programs

Local organizations or individuals can commit to regular visits, creating a bond over time.

Intergenerational Connections

Schools, scouting groups, and youth organizations can partner with senior homes for activities like reading days, talent shows, or tech tutorials.

Faith-Based Outreach

Many older adults have spiritual needs. Church or temple volunteers can offer comfort through prayer, music, or simply presence.

Volunteer Visitors

Senior communities often welcome volunteers who can stop in to chat, play games, or help with events.

Community-Wide “Friendship Days”

Designated monthly events where members of the public are encouraged to visit local homes and spend time with residents.

A Shared Responsibility

The wellbeing of older adults in senior communities is not just the responsibility of the facilities or families – it belongs to all of us. In the same way we rally around children or support people in crisis, we must extend that same compassion to the aging population, especially those aging alone.

Your visit may be the highlight of someone’s week – or the only human connection they receive. And if you don’t have someone to visit? Find someone who needs one. Your presence can be a lifeline.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you have a loved one in a senior care community? How often do you visit them? If you live in a care community, do you have visitors?