I’ve seen so many intelligent singles make simple errors that hamper their chances with online dating. Before you say, “Online dating does not work,” (it does) or “It will not work for me,” (why not?) or “My friends tell me horror stories,” (believe me, they are doing something wrong – it’s them, not the app/site), here are some things to think about:
An Error-Free Profile
When you create your app profile, make sure it is grammatically perfect with no mistakes. Yes, people read these, and if they see you using “there” and “their” wrong, they very well may skip right over you. My recommendation: Write it in a word document first. Then run spell check it.
A Unique Profile
Short and sweet is what you’re aiming for. No one wants to read a long monologue. Yesterday, working with a client, we saw an attractive, accomplished man who used two paragraphs to describe how wonderful his wife had been. He listed all her amazing traits. However, she had passed away 5 years ago, and while we felt for this man, he was obviously not ready to date. He probably wonders why he is not getting any responses!
We bumped into this profile also that I thought was succinctly and cleverly written by a man:
“YES: vanilla, rosemary, Buenos Aires, humility, Barnes & Noble browsing, bourbon, cilantro, dogs, generosity, bikes, empathy, skates, skis, boats.
NO: beets, videoconference dates, whining about online dating apps, Red Wings, selfishness, arrogance, snakes.
I can’t grow a bougainvillea to save myself. It grows like a weed here and I can’t keep it alive for 10 days.”
Ok, there was a bit more to his profile but he clearly and with humor got across his likes and dislikes. Of course, I had my client message this man!
Messages
If I hear one more woman tell me the man should reach out first, I’ll lose it! No, no, no, is my emphatic answer. Men love when you make the first move. Men love when you are not afraid to reach out first. In fact, they are bummed if they have to do all the first-time messaging all the time. Almost as bad is when they receive a like/heart/wink with no message.
This is the area where many singles fail. If they do send a message, it can be one of two big mistakes:
- It’s a short generic message.
- It’s a 3-paragraph novella where you get cross-eyed by the end with way too much information. Just like a long profile, nobody reads long messages.
This is my favorite area to coach clients on! Here’s how it goes: We are on the site/app together, and for the first few weeks of coaching, I type the message, then read it to my client before hitting send. Sometimes I hear a sharp intake of breath followed by “What? Are we really sending this?” Yes, and I explain why!
Most of my clients quickly get the hang of it, though I do wake up to a few texts each morning with screen shots saying, “Help, how should I respond to this person,” which I must admit, I love crafting messages that get responses!
The Phone Thing
Pre-date, why do you need to chat on the phone? Here are the issues with that:
- A 45–60-minute call gets people all excited. They have deduced they have so much in common with the other person, and their first date expectations have risen astronomically. Very few dates can measure up now.
- A short, awkward call and no date ensues. This is a bummer because the other person may just not be good on the phone – perhaps a bit reserved, shy, etc. This could have been the right person for you!
The only time I encourage a phone call is if there is significant distance. Let’s say you live in Los Angeles and he lives in Laguna Beach. The traffic is rough! Then I encourage a 10-minute call first. Here’s how I recommend that you phrase it in a message: “I’m totally interested in meeting you. Let’s do a 10-minute chat to see if we’d like to meet in person. My number is XXX.”
This way, we have put in place two boundaries: the call will be 10 minutes and the reason for the call is an in-person date.
You live within 20 minutes of each other. Go on the date. It’s coffee or a drink. It’s an hour. Let’s stop with all these time-wasting phone chats. You would be surprised, but people do complain about meeting someone for a short date. Why? The response I get is, “I have to get dressed.” Well, get dressed and go!
Your Photos
Nobody – yes, nobody – goes to your profile first. Photos make or break you.
If you are serious about online dating and going on good dates or perhaps beginning a relationship, 5-6 great photos are a necessity. And by that I do not mean filtered, air brushed, highly edited photos. I just mean you at your very best. And current – as in from the past year. And what you will look like when you show up on your date.
I vet client photos. In my experience, about 50% of my clients already have online-ready photos. The other 50% I recommend they go to photo service that is reasonable, takes two hours, and they turn around the photos to us within 48 hours.
And the type of photos? After your Zoom call with me, I give you a photo shot list. And it’s not your LinkedIn or fancy, boring in-studio poses. It’s you – in action! What do you enjoy? That’s what we need captured in photos. I had an NYC Wall Street type juggling as he enjoys it. Plus, he bowls. (It seems no one bowls and that grabbed a bit of attention). Not the stereotypical private equity guy, right?
I hope this helps you a bit on your search to a great next date.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Where do you need help with online dating? Do you think online dating will work for you? If not, why not? What do you write when you initiate a message to men?
