Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you walked away and suddenly felt a sense of freedom?
Perhaps it was a toxic workplace, a harmful relationship, or distancing yourself from a negative friend. The outcome, however, was a huge feeling of relief as if a heavy burden had been lifted off your chest.
A healthy relationship should never make you feel that way.
You deserve to feel comfortable, unrestricted, and able to be your genuine self in a relationship.
So, what are the signs? Here are my thoughts based on over 28+ years helping people find the “one” and over 6,000 marriages.
There Is Chemistry
All good relationships have a huge dose of physical attraction. Am I alluding to the bedroom? You bet. At any age, we want to enjoy our sexual relationship – it brings us closer and it’s…. fun!
Let’s face it – if you don’t, he’s just a friend. And with my clients, we are not looking for more friends.
If I could forecast chemistry, wow, everyone would be happily in love. It’s that intangible – and it may not happen on the first date, contrary to popular belief. Yes, it may knock you over like a charging bull immediately. But it can also happen on the 2nd or 3rd date.
It may be a smile. A laugh. An engaging conversation. His mannerisms when he gets excited about a topic. And then, Boom.
After 28 years of coaching clients, I know that if it hasn’t happened by the 3rd date – it probably isn’t going to happen. That’s based on over 38,000 clients – yes, I started 33000Dates.com a while back and can’t keep renaming it.
So, no chemistry? Move on.
Your Values Are in Sync
I can’t say this enough – common values, chemistry and communication are the foundation of a solid relationship.
And, “forever” may be a really, really long time, as those of us who are divorced discovered! There will be countless decisions made between now and forever, decisions that are influenced by your values and beliefs.
These values impact how you spend your time together (as one client told me last week, his barometer on whether a relationship may work is to go on a one-week vacation together!) where and how you tie the knot (if you do), how you celebrate holidays (if you do), and most importantly, how you choose to live your everyday life.
We all have different backgrounds and experiences that shape our perspective of the world. In a relationship, the goal is to find a compromise and a middle ground that satisfies both partners, which is why communication is crucial.
If your value systems are too far apart to find common ground, one or both of you will always feel conflicted about the life you’re leading. You should never compromise your integrity just to be with someone who is not right for you.
Openly Expressing Your Feelings and Opinions
Sharing your innermost thoughts and emotions without any judgment is key.
Healthy relationships are all about open communication and understanding. So go ahead, and express your desires, fears, needs, and feelings freely. Just remember, a judgment-free zone is essential for creating a strong emotional connection with your partner.
You Are Comfortable Introducing Him to Those Closest to You
I mean, sure, you can introduce anyone to your friends and family, but are you really at ease leaving them alone in the other room? Do you trust their behavior and manners? Are you proud to show them off to the VIPs in your life? Or… are you constantly making excuses for their questionable actions and words? Do you secretly worry they’ll embarrass you or themselves?
I just spent a 5-day weekend in Dallas with my 5 siblings, spouses, and countless nieces and nephews, and I was so excited to introduce Jeff to my family. He may have been a bit nervous, but I wasn’t. He was his engaging self, and two of my sisters whispered to me, “Dad would have loved him.”
No, you don’t need anyone’s approval to date someone. But if deep down you wish it was someone else or even no one at all by your side in social situations, well, that’s a big ol’ red flag you can’t ignore.
You Can Learn from Each Another
No one is perfect, including ourselves and the people we admire. Embracing our differences and unique backgrounds can actually enhance our relationships, rather than hinder them. Just like in sports, where a variety of skills is needed to build a winning team, in relationships, we should focus on our strengths while appreciating our partner’s strengths. By doing so, we can learn from each other, gain new perspectives, and share unique experiences together. But this can only happen if both parties are open to it.
My husband-to-be loves history and documentaries. I love Bridgerton. I’ve learned so much about music – Muscle Shoals, anyone? We’ve got to keep learning and being curious.
You Engage in Your Interests – Both Together and Separately
Each of us has unique passions and hobbies that we must continue to pursue while in a relationship. Neglecting the things we are passionate about can lead to resentment towards our partner (regardless of fault) as we lose our sense of purpose.
And we lose our friends and identity. I play pickleball and love yoga. Jeff loves to work out, do his volunteer work with the Red Cross and play basketball (a lot). You won’t find me joining him on the bb court. But the golf course? That’s our thing together.
You Imagine a Future Together
I believe that many relationships fail nowadays because people are too focused on living in the moment. They’re out there enjoying life, taking selfies, traveling, and having a blast.
Sure, all of that is great.
You should be able to have fun and enjoy life with your partner.
But those things alone don’t necessarily mean you’re truly compatible in a relationship. You can have fun with anyone, but it doesn’t mean they’re the one you want to spend your life with.
The litmus test? If you can picture yourself waking up in 10 years and still see that person by your side, then you’ve found something special.
You Can Be YOU
What does it truly mean to be yourself? Are you energetic, a spitfire, always ready for a laugh? Or perhaps you have a more serious and composed demeanor. Maybe you’re the hopeless romantic, wearing your heart on your sleeve.
If you find yourself constantly holding back, shaping yourself into someone you’re not just to please your partner, you’ll not be truly happy. It’s like diluting your essence for their sake, putting on a mask that doesn’t truly represent you.
The right person will cherish your quirks, your passions, and all the amazing complexities that make you, you. So never settle for anything less than a love that celebrates your truest self.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
In your last relationship, was there instant chemistry or did it take time to develop? Were you comfortable introducing this person to close friends and family? Were you “you” during the relationship?
