Do you find yourself thinking…
- “I should stop worrying.”
- “I should calm down.”
- “I should spend more time with my grandkids.”
- Fill in the blank, “I should ______________.”
“Shoulding” Ourselves Happens so Easily
I did it too! A few years ago, I lived with “shoulds” like…
- “I should quit worrying about my daughter.”
- “I should figure out a retirement plan.”
- “I should stop being so anxious.”
With therapeutic help, I stopped “shoulding” myself so much. I felt better about myself, and it helped me become less anxious. I learned to stop the negativity and calm down.
What Does “Shoulding” Yourself Do?
Keeps You Stuck
Living with constant “shoulds” slows you down. It puts you in a rut that’s hard to get out of. A mind full of “shoulds” has no room for creative or logical thinking. It’s like putting your life in reverse. Energy spent going backwards or spinning in place leaves you stuck. And it’s exhausting.
Causes Guilt and Anxiety
“Shoulding” yourself is a form of distorted thinking. Distorted thinking causes anxiety. It sets up a conflicted mind which creates an anxious mind. You are pressuring yourself to meet an expectation you’ve placed on yourself.
In addition to anxiety, a thought like “I should stop worrying,” prompts guilt because you expect yourself to stop worrying but you may not know how to stop worrying or you may have tried, and you just can’t do it. It’s an anxiety and guilt producing mindset. It’s a losing battle.
Makes You Feel Like You’re Not Good Enough
The “shoulding” pattern of thinking causes you to devalue yourself. It’s self-talk that puts you down for not being able to do what you think you should be doing. Shame and disappointment take hold and pull you down into a negative frame of mind. An “I’m not good enough” mindset lowers motivation and leads to low self-esteem.
The thought, “Why should I even try?” shows up too and drags you down further. These thoughts quickly trigger a sense of hopelessness and helplessness. This is a recipe for anxiety and feeling like a failure.
How to Stop “Shoulding” Yourself
Accept Yourself
Admit that you are “shoulding” yourself. Bring awareness to how this pattern of thinking is controlling you. Don’t fight it or ignore it. Decide to accept it as much as you can. It is what it is. It’s okay! Awareness of and acceptance of this thinking pattern is huge. Hold the reality lightly. Judging yourself only increases guilt and disappointment. Give yourself compassion.
Consider What You Want
“Shoulding” yourself includes the idea that you are required to or must do something. But that’s not true. You always have a choice. What do you want to do? Turn “I should declutter” into “I want to declutter.” Change “I should stop worrying” into “I want to stop worrying.” Reframing “shoulds” this way puts positive energy into the task. You are more likely to follow through with what you’d like to do rather than staying stuck in a negative rut of “I should.”
Reflect on Your Core Beliefs
Perhaps habits or expectations learned in childhood set you up as an adult for “shoulding” patterns of thinking. For instance, learning perfectionism as a child from parents or teachers might create a core belief that you need to be perfect which could prompt judgments about what you learned you “should” do. When your actual performance doesn’t match the standard you learned during early years, you feel guilty and anxious.
Core beliefs built into us during developmental years play a significant role in how we talk to ourselves and judge ourselves. Current experiences may reinforce or contradict these beliefs. Either way, core beliefs, such as “I should be perfect,” influence what we think and easily express themselves in “shoulds.” What core belief is tied to your “shoulding” yourself?
Bring an End to “Shoulding” Yourself
It causes anxiety. It makes you feel like you’re not good enough and it keeps you stuck and unproductive.
I hope you can understand how “shoulding” yourself causes anxiety and what you can do about it. Self-compassion and acceptance can turn your thinking around and make you calmer.
However, if you are truly struggling with anxiety, watch my FREE 10-minute video on How to Stop Anxiety. Click here to learn the exact 3 steps you can take to Become Anxiety Free.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What “should” are keeping you stuck? Where did they come from? How often do you “should” yourself?
