Ever had a case of the guilties? Probably. Most of us have.
Although frustrating, experiencing guilt isn’t all bad. Guilt is a natural emotion that plays a crucial role in keeping our moral compass tuned.
But when guilt becomes excessive, irrational, or is used by someone else to try to control our actions, it can become a big problem. It’s guilt-trapping, and it’s both unhealthy and damaging.
And sadly, one of the populations most often targeted by guilt trappers are women, especially middle-aged and older women, who are more naturally inclined to be kind, generous, and trusting.
What Is Guilt Trapping?
At its core, guilt trapping occurs when someone uses guilt to manipulate or control another person’s behavior.
It’s a psychological tactic where one person (the trapper) intentionally inspires feelings of guilt in another person to elicit a desired response or behavior.
The person being trapped may be made to feel that they’ve:
- Wronged the other person
- Made a bad decision
- Are responsible for someone else’s circumstances.
They are convinced that they must take action to fix things, even at their own expense.
It can occur in several different ways. Common methods for guilt trapping someone include:
- Passive-aggressive behavior
- Misrepresentation or one-sided representation
- Martyrdom
- Blackmail
In some cases, the guilt-trapping dynamic between the trapper and the trapped can become so ingrained in the relationship that the person being manipulated doesn’t even realize they’re being guilt-trapped.
Recognizing Guilt Trapping
Recognizing guilt-trapping can be challenging, especially when it’s done by someone close to us. However, several key signs may indicate that you’re being manipulated through guilt.
Below I list and explain some of them.
Persistent Feelings of Being Responsible for Someone Else’s Emotions
The classic example of being made to feel responsible for someone else’s emotions is a version of, “I can’t live without you,” but it’s not the only way a guilt-trapper can do this.
If someone is making you feel like you owe them, or that only you can do something to improve their life, you’re probably being trapped in guilt.
Difficulty Saying No
Saying no can be tough for women in general. Women want to please, care for, and make others happy. For these reasons, many women say yes when what they really want to say is no.
If you feel guilty when you say no to someone, especially if they push back when you do, it can be a form of guilt-trapping.
Chronic Need to Apologize or Make Up for Things
Your need to apologize for things that aren’t your fault may be a sign that you’re being guilt-trapped or an indication that you’re susceptible to being guilt-trapped.
If you notice this pattern in your behavior, it’s important to consider where it’s coming from (you or somewhere else) and how to change it.
Anxiety
Being worried, anxious, resentful, or walking on eggshells around someone could be a symptom of guilt trapping.
Emotional Blackmail
“I shouldn’t have expected you to help,” “I’m so disappointed in you,” and “You’re the reason I’m so unhappy” are all examples of emotional blackmail.
These statements make you feel guilty without direct confrontation and lead you to do what they want.
How You Can Be a Target of Guilt Trapping in Your 60s and Beyond
As I mentioned above, women in middle age and above are particularly susceptible to being guilt-trapped. The ways in which women in this age range are taken advantage of can be both unique and insidious.
The most confusing part is that women often perceive guilt-trapping in the ways described below as part of their “responsibilities” or how they should behave as good partners, parents, daughters, and friends.
Expectations from Adult Children
Older women have spent years taking care of others – kids, spouses, parents – and now that caregiving has become part of their identity.
Unfortunately, for some women who’re ready to focus on themselves and move into the next chapter of life, their adult children may not be as ready.
“I need you to help me with my children,” “You’re abandoning us,” “You’ve always done this for us,” or “We need you more now than ever before.”
These statements can directly hit a caring heart and play on a woman’s deep sense of duty. But what really happens, especially if it keeps a woman from pursuing her own life, is guilt trapping.
Expectations from Aging Parents
In some cases, parents will use guilt to keep an adult daughter close and make her their caregiver.
“I can’t trust anyone else,” “Please never leave me,” and “I took care of you when you were little,” are all phrases many women have heard from their parents as they’ve aged.
This can create overwhelming guilt and a sense of responsibility that’s hard to ignore.
Also read, Caught in the Care Sandwich – The Life of a 60-Something Caregiver.
Financial Guilt Trapping
“It’s okay. I’ll just find a second job. The kids are fine by themselves for a few hours,” “Interest rates on loans aren’t THAT high, are they?” “I could really use some help – just for a while, I’ll pay you back,” “I wish I could afford (tuition, a car, food, whatever).”
One of the worst kinds of guilt trapping is financial. It can come from partners, kids, parents, and even friends.
More than one woman who’s worked and saved so she can enjoy her golden years and not be a burden to her family has found herself treated like the family ATM.
How to Avoid Being Guilt Trapped
Avoiding being guilt-trapped isn’t always easy. The thing about guilt is that it sits with you, eats at you, and makes you feel more guilty. And with guilt comes the desire to alleviate it. Unfortunately, in guilt-trapped cases, alleviating it means doing whatever the trapper wants.
There’s got to be a better way, right?
Yes, but it requires work and will be uncomfortable.
To avoid being guilt-trapped, you need to:
- Set clear boundaries – and hold to them.
- Voice your limits.
- Learn the phrase, “I love you, but no.”
- Feel justified in your own self-care.
- Remember that everyone is responsible for their own life and happiness. Including you.
- Accept that putting yourself first is okay, healthy, and often necessary.
Women, especially women in their 60s and beyond, carry a heavy mental load. For your own health you must learn to focus on what you can and want to do, rather than trying to meet everyone else’s needs.
Cultivating self-compassion is essential. You’ve earned the right to prioritize yourself. It’s important to recognize that your life and independence can coexist with the love and care you offer others – without guilt.
Reflection Questions:
Have you ever been guilt-trapped? If you have, any tips on ways you’ve found to prevent it? If you’ve had any experience being guilt-trapped, please share your story with other readers and join the conversation.
