Do you ever stop and think what make a good marriage good? I don’t think about it often, especially as I have been married for what seems like forever.
(I got married when I was 21, with little enthusiasm from my parents – who could blame them? – and yet here we are 62 years later happy as can be.)
I suspect it is the kind of question one addresses when one is considering the possibility of starting a marriage – or, perhaps, ending one.
The obvious answer is ‘love’, but then you really need to define what love means. And that is not only very difficult but the answer changes over time.
In the early days, ‘love’ is all mixed up with an admiration of the other’s qualities combined with a heady attraction fuelled by hormones. Indeed, it is often suffused with the excitement that comes from realising that you are yourself the object of affection.
As one grows older, love tends to grow into something much deeper as two lives are intertwined, with a genuine concern for the welfare of the other person.
Neither of these states work to explain what makes for a happy marriage. Some people get cute and say things like ‘separate bathrooms’ or ‘divorce is expensive’. But it is too serious a question for that.
See one effort to work out a meaningful definition in the most unlikely circumstances.
A Story Told Against Myself
Some long time ago – probably more than 20 years – a friend in my choir was planning to marry. I knew the guy, who was also in the choir.
She had the (correct) impression that my husband and I were happily married and asked, suddenly during our brief coffee break, what was the formula for a happy marriage.
Well, that’s a difficult question, I responded. I thought for a minute and said what came into my mind.
It was all about dealing with the negatives. You need to talk about things when they went wrong. You need to be understanding. You need to learn to cope with different ways of thinking about things. You need to compromise.
Nothing wrong with those answers, but they were a bit weak. Lacked something.
After I got home that evening, I told my husband about our conversation, including my answer.
“Oh no,” he said, “it’s much simpler than that. I just find you very interesting.”
Yes, I thought. He hit the nail on the head. Forget everything else (well, not completely, but you know when you’ve hit something important).
We both find each other very interesting. We talk all the time – at meals, in bed, pausing the TV to explore an issue – just anywhere.
Indeed, I recently came home from a lunch with a friend, and my husband and I got talking about something that arose at the lunch. We talked for 45 minutes in the hallway, not even sitting down.
We want to know what the other thinks. We want to explore new ideas together, to clarify our thinking. We just spend a lot of time this way.
I went back and told my friend. She liked the answer. She found her husband-to-be interesting. And they are still together.
Is That All There Is to It?
No, that isn’t all. It was a great answer, in my view. It seems simple and it covers a lot, but there is more, much more.
You also need touch. A lot of it. The simple squeeze of the arm or stroke on the back. Holding hands. Every day. More than once.
My husband once read a newspaper article that said you should kiss for a least seven seconds every day. We tried this. We began counting the seconds. It always ended in laughter. Perhaps that was the point.
And whatever your age, I am a strong believer in sexual activity of some kind. Not every couple wants this, and I wouldn’t argue. I am not a marriage counsellor – just a simple human being.
But sex wasn’t invented for nothing. It does great things for your body, for your relationship and for your soul.
Don’t tell me it’s too late for all that stuff. Read this post about my father.
And I am a great believer in laughing. Make fun of each other. Make fun of yourself. Have a laugh. It, too, does great things for your body, your relationship and your soul.
And sprinkle on a good bit of luck.
We all need it.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Are you – or were you – happily married? What do you think is the secret? What would you add to my list?
