There are those who move through life with a sense of personal responsibility. Their words are measured. Their listening is active. Presence comes from years of paying attention – to thought, tone, timing, and the effect they have on others. They’ve made a silent commitment to kindness and to living in love.
This work of staying inwardly awake is a deliberate, ongoing practice of observing one’s own reactions and impulses and choosing not to be carried away by them. It’s harder than it sounds.
Such presence is tested not solely in predictable confrontational settings, but in encounters that catch us off guard.
The Book Club
The book circle met once a month in the alcove of a neighborhood bookstore – a cozy space lined with paperbacks, a round table, and a dozen mismatched chairs. Though the group had no formal membership, there was consistency to it. A handful of women showed up regularly and were friendly with one another; others attended sporadically, and occasionally someone appeared spontaneously, drawn in by the flyer or a mention from the front desk.
That afternoon, nine women had gathered and were discussing a novel built on memory and private reckoning, a story that unspooled the weight of things unsaid and undone. Valerie, who had been coming for nearly a year, waited until after a few others had spoken first.
“There was something in that last chapter,” she offered, “about the way Edward returns to the ranch – not to the location, but to the grief he hasn’t faced. It reminds me of when my brother died—”
But before she had completed the thought, Sybil – new to the circle, crisply dressed, her posture like a folded umbrella – cut her off with a laugh that held no warmth.
“Oh, please,” she said, “we don’t need another sob story. This isn’t therapy – it’s a book discussion!”
Several of the women glanced down and shifted in their seats. One buttoned her cardigan too carefully.
Valerie felt her face flush and her chest tighten in that familiar way – the old impulse to defend, to explain, to make this person understand what she’d meant. For a split second, she almost said something sharp, about how books are therapy, how stories help us make sense of things, how undervaluing a person’s loss like that said more about the dismisser than—
But she caught herself. Barely.
Reading People
That curt, shocking interjection had instantaneously broadcast everything Valerie needed to know: Sybil’s comment had been dismissive and lacking in self-awareness; but more than that – it had come from an interior place that had nothing to do with her.
Once, Valerie would have turned barbs like Sybil’s over and over in her mind, looking for a fault line in herself – Did I say too much? Was I asking for sympathy? However, sitting there then, watching the awkwardness that had rippled around the table begin to rest, she realized that the remark hadn’t come from presence. It had come from reactivity, and felt like something resembling panic.
Valerie’s former self might have tried to quickly settle everyone’s nerves – she’d assumed that pose for decades, believing that harmony was her mantle. But after years of trial and error, she had learned to recognize when it was best to step forward and when it was better to step back. The sting and the understanding could now exist simultaneously within her.
She reflected: What I’ve witnessed just now wasn’t about me at all, was it? It was a glimpse into another person’s inner world and their way of handling vulnerability in a room full of strangers.
Our Own Reactions Matter
Valerie took a breath, letting her shoulders relax. She looked at Sybil, her expression calm, her voice unwavering. “We don’t have strict rules here,” Valerie began, “but we’ve discovered that connecting the book to our own experiences has helped us unlock richer meaning.”
Before Valerie could say more, Tina, sitting next to her, agreed: “And for me it’s reassuring to know there are others who’ve been through it as well.”
Valerie nodded in acknowledgment. Looking across to Sybil, she continued politely: “So you’re welcome to share if you feel comfortable, but if this isn’t what you’re looking for, please don’t feel obligated to stay.”
Sybil’s eyes darted toward the door, then back. Her expression remained guarded, but the rigid set of her shoulders seemed to soften almost imperceptibly.
The conversation then found its way back to the book, though something had shifted. Another woman picked up the thread about Edward and his unfinished work with sorrow. Valerie found herself watching Sybil, wondering what had made her so uneasy with the mention of death.
Awareness of Self and Others
Choosing awareness is intimate work. The kind that calls you to keep pursuing your own growth, regardless. And sometimes, without trying to, that steadiness creates what others can feel – a different way of reading the room.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
How do you deal with awkward situations? Do you have good awareness of yourself and the people around you? Can you pick up on threads that aren’t plain to see?
