It happened last night – the moment I knew was coming. Exactly one month into retirement.
I was sitting at a long table at a Mexican restaurant, next to a man I barely knew, celebrating the birthday of a mutual friend. In true Elaine fashion, I leaned in with genuine curiosity – asking about his work, his life, what he sees on the horizon. Eventually, perhaps out of politeness, he turned to me and asked:
“So… what’s going on with you?”
Oh boy. There it was. The dreaded question.
I took a breath and replied, “Well… I retired last month.”
I swear his face changed instantly. Maybe I imagined it, but he looked uncomfortable. Or bored. Or both. Either way, he broke eye contact, and I was left with the sinking feeling that I had suddenly become… uninteresting. Like I had nothing valuable to share – like I needed to justify my existence.
Let me be clear: I’m not an uninteresting person. My friends would say I’m the life of the party – the one who brings the laughter, dives into deep conversations, and turns vulnerability into a party trick. But, in that moment, I felt small.
And I realized… my title used to do a lot of heavy lifting.
“I’m a professor.”
I loved saying those words. I mean, really – how sexy is that title?!
“I direct a center that helps rural schools become healthy, joyful places for students and educators.” I had purpose. I made a difference. I was a woman in leadership doing meaningful work. The director. I had a team. I set the vision. I was an academic, female badass. I felt instantly validated to be a human here on this Earth.
And that’s when it hit me: the loss of a title can shake your identity more than you expect.
Why Retirement Messes with Your Identity
Retirement is beautiful. The freedom! The mornings without alarms (YUM!)! The ability to linger with my coffee, cat, and book (Double YUM!)!
But even when it feels good, it can still feel weird.
When you’ve spent decades introducing yourself with a title – when your identity is so deeply tied to what you do – suddenly being “retired” can feel… disorienting. Like you’ve left a role you played for years, but no one handed you the script for what comes next.
I get it. There’s something validating about having a title or a business card that says, “I matter.” But the real work of retirement is discovering that you don’t need a role to take up space on this beautiful Earth.
And let’s be kind to ourselves.
Think about your own history of accomplishments and accolades. Over the years, who did you call to share good news – promotions, stellar reviews, praise from a colleague?
We’ve been conditioned to have our self-worth affirmed by others. And in turn, they’ve done their part by saying, “I’m so proud of you.” It’s a cycle we’ve lived in for so long, we don’t even realize we’re in it – until it’s disrupted.
Retirement doesn’t come with gold stars – or “Best Pajama Productivity” awards.
So we either need to find new ways to feel that validation… or do the deeper work of giving it to ourselves.
If you lived a day that lit you up, could you celebrate it – without needing anyone else’s approval?
I’m working on that. Slowly but surely.
The Coaching Safety Net
For me, starting a retirement coaching business was a gift to both myself and (hopefully) the women I serve.
It gave me a soft place to land after decades of structured work. A way to use everything I know and love – supporting women, designing programs, creating impact – and repurpose it for this next chapter.
I often catch myself saying, “Thank God for my coaching business.” And I mean it.
It’s helped me re-anchor my purpose. It’s also helped me realize that everyone needs their own version of a retirement plan – whether that’s part-time work, volunteering, or simply giving yourself permission to invest in yourself for the first time in decades.
That’s the question I ask every woman I work with…
What kind of life do you want in retirement – and what’s standing in the way?
Learning to Validate Yourself (Without the Gold Stars)
Something else is happening, too: I’m learning how to be my own validator.
I no longer get praise from colleagues or performance reviews saying, “You nailed it.” Those external gold stars? Gone.
So now I’m tuning in to a new voice – my own. And day by day, it’s getting stronger.
These days, I picture my 80-year-old self – wise, unapologetic, and totally at ease in her own skin. She doesn’t wait for permission or applause – and she definitely doesn’t worry what anyone else thinks. She’s more grounded than the 57-year-old me writing this… and she’s cheering me on with the biggest grin, reminding me what really matters.
She wants me to stay in my pajamas ‘til 3 p.m. if I’m devouring a great novel.
She’s thrilled I finally have time to bake that family recipe I remember my mom making.
And she’s saying:
“Elaine. I’m proud of you. You’ve done good. Now go listen to the birds. Make a new friend. Paint something weird. Live.”
Shedding the Shell
Recently, I learned that cicadas live underground for up to 17 years. (You know – those insects that get so loud in the summer, you half expect your phone to buzz with a “Cicada Volume Warning.”) And when they finally emerge, they shed their hard shell… and grow wings.
Seriously. You can’t make this stuff up. It’s nature.
And I think that’s what this moment is for many of us. We’re emerging from decades of roles and responsibilities. Shedding old layers. Growing wings.
Retirement reinvention isn’t about starting over – it’s about remembering who you are.
Be like the cicada.
Just… less annoying.
You’re Not Lost – You’re Becoming
If you’re feeling unsure of who you are now that you’re no longer introducing yourself with a title, you’re not alone. It doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. It just means you’re in the middle of a transformation.
One that can be awkward, liberating, sometimes loud – and ultimately beautiful.
One that invites you to become more you than you’ve ever been.
Ready to Reclaim a Piece of Yourself?
If any of this hits home, I put together something that might help you take the next small step.
It’s called “Who Am I Now?” – a quick, surprisingly powerful worksheet designed to help you rediscover who you are, beyond the roles you’ve played.
It only takes 10 minutes – and your 80-year-old self will totally high-five you for actually sitting down and doing it. (And unlike a cicada, you don’t have to wait 17 years to come out of your shell.)
Download the Identity Reboot Worksheet
Let’s Keep the Conversation Going:
How are you rediscovering your sense of self in this next chapter? Have you felt awkward after dropping your professional identity? I’d love to hear what’s unfolding for you.
