Last week, I went to my ex-husband’s 85th birthday party at a local tavern. He looked terrific, and I was happy to see the turnout. We bought each other a beer, shared a hug and reminisced about meeting 40 years ago at a very similar pub.
When I left the party, I pushed aside a whiff of melancholy and thought instead about how much my life has changed since my marriage imploded seven years ago, when the fear of being alone almost paralyzed me. Truth is, I stayed in an unhappy marriage for too long because I couldn’t imagine being alone. Who would I take care of? Who would need me?
As it turns out, I’m a dog person – not strictly a cat person like my ex said we were. These days, it’s just my dogs who need me, and they return the favor with unending enthusiasm. I am not advocating for pets if you are lonely. They are a huge responsibility. But they do make us feel loved and less alone.
Putting a Label on It
The fear of being alone is known as autophobia. When aloneness is forced on us, like in a sudden separation or the death of a partner, it creates a void which is tricky to fill. It also creates an opportunity to know ourselves better if we aren’t frozen by fear. I remember those staring-at-the-ceiling moments. How can this be happening to me? What am I going to do now? Woe is me.
We aren’t ready to make big decisions in those times. I know I wasn’t. I didn’t know if I wanted to rent or own. Heck, I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay in Florida. Impulsively, I bought an adorable camper, my she shed on wheels. I parked her near the beach and realized I’d been living someone else’s dream for way too long.
On one of many sleepless nights staring at the camper ceiling, I checked email and found a scholarship invitation to a conference by author Mike Dooley. I felt like the universe was conspiring with me as I filled out the application. In two weeks, I was on my way to Denver for the conference based on his book, “Infinite Possibilities: The Art of Living Your Dreams.”
That was a turning point. What if I’d been afraid to take the chance? I’d done some crazy things since then. I’ve gone back to college. I took sailing lessons. I joined the community concert band. I volunteered as a gate lady for Pittsburg Pirates’ Florida Spring Training games. I faced my fears and started a new career as I muddled through what turned out to be a good divorce. Yes, there is such a thing.
When Fear Gripped Us All
When we first heard of a fast-spreading virus, I became very weak and found it hard to walk. But it wasn’t Covid. I had to quit spring training when my doctor found a tumor on my spine. The timing was perfect. Even spring training shut down because of the pandemic, and I watched it all on TV in a hospital room where I could have no visitors. Spoiler alert: today, my health is perfect.
Everyone was afraid. Me, the doctors and nurses, all the patients. My family, hundreds of miles from me, was so afraid for me they didn’t want to tell my almost 90-year-old mom for fear she’d worry herself sick. Girl, I needed my mom then more than ever.
I wish she hadn’t seen the pandemic. We had a big birthday party planned for her. Instead, she celebrated locked alone in her assisted living apartment. She did get out before she died and drove her scooter to a nearby brewery to meet my brother for pizza and beer. She looked so happy in that last photo. Her fear was gone.
Fear of Falling Again
I fell hard for the guy who helped me home from the hospital and checked on me while I recuperated. We didn’t date because the world was shut down. The only place I went for six weeks was daily chemo as I grew stronger. That’s when I got my pup Lassie and started walking again.
With him I felt comfortable. It was nice having someone to cook for and care for. We fell in love as a family and moved in together.
But it was too soon for me. I still needed to learn how to be alone. He’s got his own place now, but we’re still best friends and share custody of two Australian shepherds. We usually spend part of each weekend together sharing meals, sports and chores. But we each appreciate our own space.
There’s so much to enjoy about living alone: coming home and finding everything just as we leave it; cleaning the house or playing music in the middle of the night if we can’t sleep; eating what and when we want or going out instead. Having a cocktail and a good meal sitting at the bar beats a dating app any day in my book.
It is likely to happen to all of us sometime in our lives: being suddenly alone. It takes getting used to. Then it becomes bearable. Then it feels like freedom. I’m never one to say never, but I wouldn’t be afraid to.
Cheers!
Let’s Reflect:
What has alone-ness brought you? Do you know yourself better now?
