You did everything right.
You noticed something in your body. You researched it. You came prepared with questions.
And your doctor shut you down in under a minute.
“That’s just normal aging.” “There’s no evidence for that.” “I wouldn’t worry about it.”
If you felt the flush of shame – the tightening in your chest, the urge to apologize, the sudden doubt about everything you thought you knew – you’re not alone.
And there’s nothing wrong with you.
Why Dismissal Hurts So Much
Being dismissed by a doctor isn’t just frustrating. It’s destabilizing.
For women especially, we’ve often been taught to defer. To trust the expert over our own knowing. To be “good patients” – which usually means quiet ones.
When a doctor dismisses us, it activates old wiring:
- Shame: “I shouldn’t have asked.”
- Self-doubt: “Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about.”
- The urge to retreat: “Never mind. Forget I said anything.”
This isn’t weakness. It’s your nervous system responding to a perceived threat – the threat of being seen as difficult or wrong. And for many of us, it echoes every other time we were made small for speaking up.
Linda’s Story
Imagine a woman – let’s call her Linda. She’s 64. For months, she’d dealt with fatigue and brain fog that didn’t match her healthy lifestyle.
She researched. She brought questions to her doctor of 12 years. Her doctor glanced at the chart: “Your labs are normal. This is just part of getting older.”
Linda felt her face flush. Her first instinct was to apologize and leave quietly. But she paused. She noticed the familiar pull to abandon her own knowing. And she made a different choice.
“I hear you,” she said. “But this doesn’t feel normal to me. Can we dig deeper?”
Her doctor didn’t have time that day. But Linda didn’t stop. She found a practitioner who listened. She got comprehensive testing. She discovered treatable imbalances her original doctor never looked for.
Six months later, her energy was back. She wasn’t crazy. She wasn’t “just aging.” She had been right to ask.
Feel, Pause, Act
The moment of dismissal is not the moment to react. It’s the moment to regulate.
Feel the sensation. Notice it. Name it. “There’s that shame again.” Don’t push it away – just let it exist.
Pause. Take a breath. Feel your feet on the floor. You’re not in danger. You’re in discomfort.
Act from a grounded place. Not reactive. Not collapsed. Clear.
That might sound like:
- “I’d like to explore this further.”
- “Can you help me understand why?”
- “This matters to me. I’d like to find a way forward.”
You don’t have to win the argument. You just have to stay with yourself.
Why Doctors Dismiss
Most doctors aren’t trying to hurt you. They’re working within a system that gives them 12-15 minutes per patient – a system that trains them to trust certain kinds of evidence and dismiss others.
When your doctor says “there’s no evidence,” she often means no large-scale FDA-approved trials. But those trials cost billions and only happen when someone expects to profit.
Many promising approaches will never have that evidence – not because they don’t work, but because proving it isn’t profitable. Your doctor isn’t lying. She’s operating within real limits – limits she may not fully see.
That’s not a reason to abandon her. But it is a reason to understand what you’re navigating.
From Chains to Wings
I wrote a book with that title because I believe this is the work of our lives. We internalized messages early: Don’t be difficult. Don’t question authority. Don’t trust yourself more than the experts.
Those messages became chains.
Health advocacy is one of the most powerful places to break them.
Every time you ask a question and stay grounded when it’s dismissed – you’re practicing freedom. Every time you say “I’d like to understand more” instead of “Never mind” – you’re reclaiming your voice. Every time you trust your body even when a lab says “normal” – you’re honoring your own knowing.
What You Can Do
- Prepare before appointments – Write down questions and concerns. You’re less likely to be dismissed if you’re organized.
- Notice your nervous system – When dismissed, pause before reacting. Breathe. Then respond from a grounded place.
- Use clear language – “This matters to me.” “Can you help me understand?” These keep the conversation open.
- Find practitioners who listen – You don’t have to fire your doctor. But you can add to your team.
- Trust yourself – You’ve lived in your body for decades. That knowledge matters.
You’ve Earned the Right to Be Heard
We’re told to advocate for ourselves. But when we do, we’re often shut down.
What we deserve is different. We deserve to be partners in our care – not inconveniences. We deserve our questions to be met with curiosity, not condescension.
We’re not asking doctors to agree with everything. We’re asking to be heard.
We’ve earned that. We’ve earned the right to feel what we feel, pause when we need to, and act from clarity.
We’ve earned our wings.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What is your experience with your doctor? Do you feel your concerns are heard – or do you feel dismissed?
