I hear this every week:
- “Laurie, where are the good men? I can’t seem to find any.”
- “I don’t think there are any good ones left.”
- “All the good ones are taken.”
- “I’ve been on the dating apps, and there are none there. Where are they?”
Ahh, the search for the rare breed of good men: The decent men who want a serious relationship.
You mean decently healthy, financially stable, well-groomed and clean, handsome enough, and ready for a long-term relationship.
At first glance, these seem like questions about the dating market. But, if they were, my answer “everywhere” would suffice.
Truth bomb: These questions are more about your state of mind.
First: There Are Good Men. Full Stop.
Are there fewer emotionally available men in midlife than we’d like? And are they harder to find?
Yes.
Is the dating scene noisy, confusing, and sometimes ridiculous?
Also yes.
But when someone tells me, “There are no good men left,” I get curious because here’s what I know after coaching thousands of women:
When you believe there are no high-quality men, you stop recognizing them. You even turn good ones into frogs.
You scroll past the decent guy on online dating sites because he doesn’t look like the perfect man in your head.
You ignore the good catch in your extended social circle because he’s “not your usual type.”
You stay in your comfort zone, then complain there are no great guys in it.
You’ll put up with all kinds of nonsense, but you actually filter out a good guy when he comes around.
The Dating Apps Aren’t the Enemy
Yes, dating apps can feel like dehumanizing and comically difficult.
But, truth bomb #2: Apps don’t create bad men. They reveal the pool. And the pool is as varied as clothing items at the mall.
If you’re on online dating sites and all you see are fish pics, beer bellies, and men who can’t be bothered to string sentences together or “aren’t sure what they’re looking for,” that doesn’t mean there are no good guys.
It means:
- You’re seeing a certain crowd (possibly attracted by YOUR poorly-done profile!!)
- You haven’t refined your screening.
- You might be unconsciously drawn to familiar fixer-uppers.
Ouch?
Good.
I promise these truth bombs are good for you. Tough love is my brand. Have you come to the right place?
The Numbers Game (But Not How You Think)
People love to say dating is a numbers game.
Swipe more. Date more. Meet new people. Try speed dating. Upgrade your subscription tier.
True: A bigger pool helps.
But if your mindset is cynical, exhausted, or secretly convinced that men are disappointing?
You could meet 100 decent men at a coffee shop, at church, at the gym, in real life – and still miss your good match.
Why?
Because the real numbers game is this:
How many emotionally available women are out there looking for emotionally available men?
I coach men, too, and they are JUST as convinced that women are the ones who are not available! Mind your own stats before believing that the stats of the other gender are what’s getting in the way of you finding healthy, lasting love.
When you shift your state of mind, you shift your results.
“But Laurie, The Nice Guys I’m Meeting: I’m Just Not Attracted to”
Ah. Now we’re getting somewhere.
Many women say they want a good man, but what they mean is: “I want a man who is exciting in the exact way my ex was – but emotionally stable.”
That’s not a true dream, it’s a reaction to pain.
Some of the nice guys you’re overlooking? They’re not boring. They’re calm, and there’s a difference.
Chemistry built on anxiety feels electric. Chemistry built on compatibility feels warm.
If you keep saying, “Where are the good men?” I might gently ask: Are you equating calm with dull?
Because some of the great guys you’re dismissing could build a long relationship with you – the kind that feels secure, not dramatic.
The Myth of the Perfect Man
Another way you obscure the good men from becoming apparent to you is by idealizing “the perfect man.”
Sure, they do it to us, too, but that’s no excuse.
There is no perfect man. And good, because you aren’t looking for that. You are looking for a good match.
And a good match is someone whose values, pace, and vision for a long-term relationship align with yours.
He might not:
- Dress like your fantasy.
- Text in paragraphs.
- Love the same music.
But he might:
- Show up consistently.
- Talk about the future with clarity.
- Treat you like a partner, not a number in a numbers game.
That’s a good man.
They exist. I hear about them every day in my practice.
Where are the Good Men? Coaching:
If you keep asking, “Where are the good men?” ask yourself three questions:
- Am I open to a man who is different from my past?
- Am I willing to leave my comfort zone to meet him?
- Am I showing up as the woman who can sustain a long-term partnership?
Final truth bomb:
Nothing is the fault of circumstance, your environment or dating apps. But your clarity and purpose affect them all.
When you know the kind of relationship you want, you stop wasting time on men who can’t offer it. And suddenly you start seeing good men everywhere. At the coffee shop. On dating apps. At dinner parties. Through friends.
They were never extinct. They were just invisible to a mindset shaped by negativity, fear and disappointment.
Reframing the Problem of No-Good Men
The question isn’t:
“Where are the good men?”
It’s:
“Am I positioned to recognize and receive one?”
You don’t need a new subscription tier. You don’t need to swipe harder. You need awareness and alignment — of head, heart, and hoo-ha.
And that’s when dating stops feeling like a losing battle… and starts feeling like an exciting adventure.
If you’re ready to stop wondering where the good men are and start becoming magnetic to the right one, watch my free webinar: 3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love Without Repeated Disappointments.
It will change how you see the entire dating market – and yourself.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Are you really open to dating? Do you think you are emotionally available? Have you been complaining there are no good men out there?
