As I sit down to type this article, ignoring the little crack in my knee as I adjust my chair, I’m reminded that spouses really do have to help and support each other through the changes that midlife, and beyond, bring.
Some of those changes – if the Fates have been kind – are good. Financial security, the ability to have more control over the way you spend your time and who you spend it with, and the liberating “I don’t give a you-know-what” attitude that comes with being of a certain vintage.
Some changes aren’t so good. Like the cracking joints or the faltering energy levels. These are all reminders that we’re marching a little closer to… well, you know. People handle this in different ways. Some accept it or even embrace it with gratitude, while others fight it tooth and nail.
Couples handle it in different ways too. Some spouses cling to each more, while others let their fears – or lingering resentments, or unfulfilled ideals of the perfect life – push them apart.
While both women and men can experience the so-called midlife crisis, they often do so in different ways. Over the years, I’ve consulted with many women who are dealing with a husband in the midst of a marriage-damaging midlife crisis, specifically the kind that sees him rewriting the marital history, becoming more self-focused or even straying from the marriage.
And if that piqued your concern or hit a little too close to home, I have three ideas that might help you get ahead of things while you still can.
A great trio of tips to be proactive:
What follows are three overarching ways you can help your husband during his midlife crisis – or at least during the early phases of what you suspect is an encroaching midlife crisis. Because when it comes to this issue, an ounce of prevention is definitely worth a pound of cure!
#1: Make Him Feel Appreciated
Whether it’s for his years of hard work and being a good provider, whether it’s for supporting you and your career or passions, or whether it’s for being a great dad to your kids, be sure to show your husband that you appreciate all he’s done for you and your family.
Don’t just assume that he knows you’ve noticed his contributions or sacrifices. Talk about them in detail. Acknowledge and appreciate them. You’ll see how your appreciation for him makes him light up with appreciation for you.
#2: Make Him Feel Youthful
You’ll notice that I chose the word “youthful” instead of “young.” That’s because even a very elderly person can have a youthful spirit and a youthful zest for life. It’s all in the twinkle of the eye. So, look for new adventures and break out of your comfort zone – because if not now, when?
Very importantly, don’t neglect your sex life. No, you won’t be swinging from any chandeliers, but there’s nothing stopping you from pushing your boundaries a bit in the bedroom and keeping your husband feeling like a man in his prime… at least when it comes to pleasing his wife.
#3: Remind Him That He’s Lucky to Have You
This is a big one. Really big. Maybe the biggest. Why? Because when it comes to those marriage-damaging midlife crises, it often happens that a man begins to take his wife for granted (don’t all spouses do this from time to time?). This can lead him to rewrite your history as a couple, blame-shift or even strike up a problematic relationship with another woman. It’s therefore essential that he feels fortunate to have you in his life.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you should start thinking too highly of yourself or behaving like a diva. Neither does it mean exhausting yourself to please him. We’re long past that, aren’t we? Rather, it just means tapping into your best self as a wife and woman to remind him of why he married you in the first place.
Because this article isn’t just about helping your husband. It is actually more about helping you dodge the type of male midlife episode that can do damage to your marriage and to your sense of security and well-being. This is not the time of life when you want to feel “shut out” of your husband’s life. (Incidentally, that unhappy circumstance is the subject of my book The Shut-Out Wife: Breaking Through Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis).
So let’s circle back to that trio of tips – making him feel appreciated, youthful, and lucky to have you – and think. How can you accomplish this in a practical sense? Challenge yourself to come up with three or four ways you can meet each goal.
Much will depend on your lifestyle and available resources. But much will also depend on your open-mindedness and creativity. So brainstorm. And please, whether this is an issue in your marriage or not, share your brilliant ideas in the comments. Let’s help each other out!
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Did your husband go through a midlife crisis? How did you handle it? Were there signs you noticed? Any tips you may have for the community?
