Never have I ever experienced a time where world events trickled down to touch down on such a granular level as our personal relationships. You hear people every day expressing sadness and frustration at the chasm between them and those for whom they care deeply.
The Elephant in the Room
For decades the go-to rule of ‘we just don’t talk about politics or religion’ appeared to work just fine. The elephant in the room was in the corner for all to see but we could still ignore it by pretending it wasn’t there. Now it seems that it has eaten its weight in grasses, leaves and tree bark because when in that room with others who are on the other side of whatever side you’re on, said elephant takes up every square inch of air and space; impossible to ignore.
Some folks are able to side-step around the big guy hoping not to get smacked by his tail, and others are choosing not to enter the room at all.
So how do we handle the awkwardness? Do we put those relationships on hold until this big elephant poop storm blows over? What if it doesn’t? What if it leaves a permanent poop stain?!
WE-lationships
One of the basic core tenets of a relationship along with trust, communication, respect, and empathy, is having shared values. What I hear people expressing is, “If they agree with this and that, then they no longer align with me and my values, so how can we be in a relationship?” That in turn understandably affects their sense of respect, communication and other crucial cogs in the relationship wheel.
I was speaking with a dear friend on the phone recently and she was talking about what a relationship is to her, and I thought she said, “It’s a WE-lationship” so I asked her if I could steal that, and she said “Sure, but what’d I say?!” I told her what I’d heard through the phone, and she laughed. We had both inadvertently created a new term that I was going to coin!
To be in any kind of relationship it must be a WE-lationship. It takes two – or more as the case may be!
So How Do We Navigate These Unchartered Times?
To be honest, I’m not sure there’s a one-size fits all answer. I’m also walking this path that has no other footprints before me to show the way. Sometimes I feel like, “You can’t get there from here.” (A line often attributed to the Wizard of Oz, but it’s not!)
Are we in a stalemate with our fellow players on the other side of the field?
There are various versions for this to play out:
- You continue to schedule time for each other, agree to disagree and choose not to talk about it.
- You talk it through, listening to each other’s understanding of the situation, with the agreement that if it gets too heated you get out of the kitchen and revert to #1.
- You avoid one another because it’s just too damn uncomfortable, and you know that if you talk about it, it could become the expiration date on the relationship.
- You take the elephant by its tusks and say what you want to say, come what may.
Often, when we’re forced to look at ourselves and others in the mirror, we see what’s behind the glass, revealing that we don’t like what we see. Hence, another reason to avoid it. This can be especially hard when it’s someone we’ve been close to, sometimes for our entire lives.
Staying True to What Matters to You
It’s rough seas right now for many of us, and if you are also experiencing the severity of severed relationships, you are not alone. Lots of feels are surfacing as we try and maneuver through this time, and while we may mourn the loss of some people, I believe that the WE-lationships we choose will be stronger and healthier.
The bottom line is that we need to stay true to ourselves, whatever that means for you. Whether it’s vowing that nothing, no matter what, will affect your relationships, or if you just cannot have one with someone who would support what is happening in our country, or somewhere in between; I say be true to yourself and own it.
My fears, thoughts and feelings about all of this manifested recently in a spoken word poem, and if you’d like to hear it on my Loving Later Life Podcast, click here and if you’d also like to see the video on YouTube click here.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you had challenges with friends or family because of global and/or domestic events? What are some solutions you have found to handle it all that work for you?
