It’s safe to say that once you’ve reached your 60s you have some life experience. Some of those experiences are wonderful and bear reflection and retelling. They bring happiness and joy to you, can make those around you smile, and can create a connection.
Other experiences are painful and may also bear retelling, but in a careful and thoughtful manner. Otherwise, you may find yourself trauma dumping.
With years under your belt, having had some difficult times is natural. Indeed, as you age, you may experience new and different forms of difficulty. And when those times arise, or when you just need to get things off your chest, it feels natural to lean on friends and loved ones – as it should.
But there’s a difference between sharing and looking for support, and what’s called “trauma dumping,” which can be detrimental to both the dumper and the dumpee.
Just What Is Trauma Dumping?
Trauma dumping, which can also be called emotional dumping, occurs when someone shares intense, perhaps unresolved, emotional trauma without first considering the effect it may have on the listener.
The key difference between trauma dumping and healthy emotional sharing is in how it’s done.
Healthy emotional sharing involves a give-and-take where both people feel comfortable and safe. It can be an invitation to share when a friend knows you’re dealing with something,
“Connie, I know it’s been tough lately, do you want to talk about it?”
Or asking for permission to share,
“Oh Jenny, do you have some time to talk? I’m really struggling, and I could use (some advice, a sounding board, a little perspective).”
Both of these give the opportunity to say no, or set boundaries and prepare beforehand for a deep, possibly painful, conversation.
In contrast, trauma dumping is often one-sided.
It involves sharing heavy, emotionally charged content without warning, permission, or a clear sense of reciprocity. This can leave the listener feeling overwhelmed, helpless, or even resentful.
For instance,
“Everyone I loved has died or moved away. I have no one. I feel like I’m just biding my time until my maker calls me.”
It may not have been the conversation Jenny was prepared for when Connie asked her over for wine time. Now Jenny is stuck, and what was going to be an evening get-together has suddenly become an impromptu therapy session with a heavier emotional load than Jenny was ready to take on.
Most trauma dumping is not inherently malicious. People who do this aren’t trying to hurt anyone. They may just be seeking connection, advice, or a release.
However, even well-intentioned trauma dumping can take a toll on those who are listening.
Could You Be a Trauma Dumper?
Recognizing whether you’re trauma dumping can be tough to do because it typically occurs when you feel overwhelmed and desperate to share and get some support. But out of respect for others and for the sanctity of your friendships, it’s worth evaluating whether you may be engaging in trauma dumping.
You may be trauma dumping if you:
Share Without Warning or Permission
One of the most telling signs of trauma dumping is launching into a deeply personal or traumatic story without checking in with the listener first.
Fix: Avoid doing this by asking beforehand if it’s a good time to talk, as well as assessing whether your friend or family member is emotionally prepared to handle what you’re about to share. Without doing both of these they may feel blindsided.
Don’t Consider the Emotional Space of the Listener
When you’re trauma dumping, you might be so focused on your own emotions that you overlook the feelings or mental state of the person you’re sharing with.
For instance, they may be going through their own stressors, and might not be emotionally equipped to take on your heavy feelings at that moment.
Fix: Understand and think about what they’re dealing with before engaging. A friend who’s just lost their husband may not want to discuss why you’re considering divorcing yours.
Purge Without Pausing
A healthy emotional conversation involves both parties engaging in a back-and-forth dialogue.
In contrast, trauma dumping is one-sided, where the person sharing doesn’t ask for feedback, support, or even acknowledgment. Instead, they unload their feelings without pausing to check in with the listener or give them a chance to respond.
Fix: Pause as you talk. and ask for feedback and their perspective. Ask them if they see things differently than you do and if you seem off-base.
Share at the Wrong Time in the Wrong Place
Work, parties, the gym, or casual get-togethers aren’t suitable venues for deep emotional discussions. For that matter, neither is social media, where trauma dumping is an act of broadcasting personal traumas to a wide, often impersonal audience without any filter or consideration for the emotional impact.
Fix: Pick a private space and time for a conversation, prepare your friend or family member by asking permission and letting them know you need to share or need help. Be sure to keep deeply personal information off social media.
The Impact of Trauma Dumping on Others
Friends and family are supposed to be there for you in good times and bad, right? So, shouldn’t you be allowed to dump some trauma when you’re in pain?
No, not really. Most friends and family will give you some grace if that’s what happens, but that doesn’t mean it’s considerate, respectful, or without impact when you do.
Better understanding the impact of trauma dumping may help you be more aware of avoiding it.
Among the biggest effects of trauma dumping on the dumpee are:
Emotional Overload
When you unload your trauma onto someone unexpectedly, they may feel emotionally overwhelmed. Suddenly having to take on intense emotions can cause anxiety and stress for most people.
Feelings of Helplessness
Trauma dumping can make your listener feel helpless. They may not know how to respond, especially if you aren’t seeking advice or asking for their support in any tangible way.
This helplessness can lead to frustration, guilt, or even resentment, particularly if they feel they’re not equipped to help you through your struggles and have somehow failed you.
Boundary Violation
Violation of personal boundaries is a common impact of trauma dumping. When you share without permission, you’re crossing an emotional boundary. No one likes not having their personal boundaries respected.
Damage to Relationships
Trauma dumping can erode relationships, even with the people closest to you. If friends or loved ones feel they’re regularly being burdened with your unresolved emotional baggage, they may begin to pull away and distance themselves.
There is also an impact on the dumper. When you trauma dump, you aren’t nearly as likely to receive the best advice or the most sympathetic ear. So, for the best response, especially in these moments when you truly need a friend and real support, you need to approach the conversation in a better way.
Seeking Support Without Making It a Dumpster Fire
None of the above is intended to discourage a person who needs support from seeking it. On the contrary, the ability to share difficult experiences and feelings and receive support is crucial, especially as we age.
It just needs to be done in the right way.
So, remember to,
- Ask for permission before diving into a heavily emotional topic.
- Consider the setting and choose an appropriate time.
- Ensure the conversation is a two-way street and listen sincerely to the perspective and advice being offered.
- Try not to lament the same problem over and over again to the same person. If your trauma is such that you can’t move the needle toward emotional recovery, it may be time to seek professional support from a counselor.
- Make sure you reciprocate – you’re not the only one with problems.
Good friends and family are almost always willing to help and support when approached appropriately. So, don’t take advantage of or disrespect that willingness by ambushing them with trauma dumping.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you experienced trauma dumping? Have you ever been a trauma dumper? If you have any experience with trauma dumping, from either side, please share your wisdom and join the conversation.
