“Of course, I can watch the kids. Anything for my grandchildren.”
“Yes, I can take Gina to Ballet and pick Ryan up from baseball. I know work has been busy for you.”
“Yes, Mom, I’ll come help with the house.”
“Let me come to the Dr. with you, Mom, we’ll make sure all the questions get asked.”
“Why don’t I call and figure out what’s going on with the gardener? It sounds like he may need some additional direction.”
Any of this vaguely sound familiar? Yes? Oh, and wait, all of the above occur on the same day. Repeatedly.
If so, then you, like many women in their 60s, are the filling in the care needed/care given sandwich.
A lot of women enter their 60s with retirement, travel, and hobbies in mind. However, for a great number of those same women, the reality they find is very different.
Don’t misunderstand – these daughters and mothers who end up caring for the young and the old, often daily and/or simultaneously, are generally happy to do it. Or at least that’s what they tell themselves.
Women take on these roles out of love and commitment. Whether caring for aging parents or helping adult children with their children, the caregiving role can be gratifying, providing a sense of purpose and keeping women close and connected to their families.
But without boundaries and proper balance, it can also be overwhelming and put women at risk of burnout and resentment, which can rob them of the joy these years should afford them.
So, what’s the solution? How do you fulfill what you feel to be your familial duty and still make time for yourself and what you need?
Hmmm….
It can be a delicate balance and achieving that balance can cause internal discomfort because it can feel selfish.
But it’s not. Not even a little bit.
Here’s what you need to know about managing each side of the caregiving coin and treating yourself with the care and respect you need too.
Your Mental Health Is Crucial
The emotional toll of caregiving can be as significant as the physical demands.
As a daughter or grandmother, the people who are seeking or outright needing your help create a huge emotional load. No matter how much you love them, if care is what’s required, it’s stressful.
Being responsible for another person can also create feelings of loneliness, frustration, and even resentment as you put other aspects of your life on hold. The next stop is anxiety and depression if you’re not careful.
“Yes, but I can manage – they need me too much for me to make changes.”
Said every caregiver ever.
But what they almost all ultimately find out is that once your own mental health is compromised, you’re no longer going to be effective in your caregiving role.
You stop being a fun grandma, and as a daughter, you risk damaging the relationship and positive experiences you’ve had with your own parents.
You also become unable to function well in your own life and handle your own personal and familial responsibilities.
So, remember that it’s okay to say no, take breaks, or ask for help. Being compassionate with yourself is an essential component of showing compassion to others.
You’re at Risk of Being Taken Advantage of – in the Nicest Possible Way
One of the biggest risks women in their 60s who are caregivers face is being taken advantage of.
Generally speaking, those who take advantage of you aren’t doing it with malice and often do it with your permission.
Think about it – as a parent of young children, you’re often beyond busy and overwhelmed. And asking your own parents for help comes naturally.
It’s very easy for even an adult child to simply assume their parents are happy to help, especially when it comes to grandchildren.
If you’re caring for your own parents, the same premise holds true. They cared for you, love you, and trust you, so why wouldn’t they just assume you’d be the one they’d turn to for help?
But, as stated above, caregiving can become emotionally taxing and create fissures in your mental health, as well as damage those relationships.
It can be difficult to see when you’re being taken advantage of, particularly when you love the people involved, so keep an eye out for these signs:
- Constant dependency on a 24/7 basis or anything close to that.
- Assumptions about time and availability.
- Emotional guilt is often masked with “appreciative” phrases like, “We can’t do this without you,” or “No one can do this but you.”
- Conversely, lack of appreciation and being taken for granted.
- Being tasked with caregiving duties consistently when there are other family members who are also capable of helping.
It’s vitally important that you speak up when you’re feeling overwhelmed or undervalued. It’s not selfish – it’s the only way to ensure you have enough energy and positive experiences to keep your life balanced.
Your Checklist for Managing the Caregiving Load
If you’re a caregiver and struggling to balance duties and your own life, you’re not alone. In fact, it’s a common state for many, many women who care for family members.
While it’s not an exhaustive list, the following four actions can help you manage caring for others while also caring for yourself.
Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries is critical to ensuring that caregiving doesn’t consume every aspect of life.
Decide how many hours a day or week you can realistically give and stick to it. Then communicate these limits clearly to your family and loved ones.
For example, establish that certain days are for your personal time, or that you’ll only provide caregiving assistance during specific hours.
Learning to say “no” (or more politely, “I’m sorry, I can’t”) can be empowering. Refusing extra requests when you’re overwhelmed or delegating responsibilities to others is okay.
Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Carve Out Time for Yourself
It can be easy to immerse yourself in the caregiving role, but it’s important to maintain your identity and hobbies. Whether taking a walk, practicing yoga, reading, or gardening, make sure you have time set aside each week for activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
Even short breaks during the day can help. Taking 15-30 minutes to meditate, enjoy a cup of tea, or practice deep breathing can do wonders for recharging your energy levels.
Prioritize Your Mental and Physical Health
Neglecting your well-being can lead to burnout or other serious health issues. Make sure to stay active, eat well, and get enough sleep.
Ask for Help and Accept It
Caregiving shouldn’t be a solo job. Reach out to family members, friends, or local community organizations for support. Whether asking siblings to pitch in more, hiring part-time help, or even joining a support group, sharing the load can make a huge difference.
If financial resources are a concern, government or charitable programs may be available to provide assistance, such as home health care, respite care, meal delivery, or transportation services.
Ultimately, the most effective caregivers understand that their health and happiness are just as important as those they care for.
But many women refuse to give themselves permission to create this balance. So, for those of you out there who need it, consider this your permission.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Are you sandwiched between caring for your parents and caring for grandkids? Has caregiving caused you stress or anxiety? Have you found effective strategies for creating balance? Share your stories and join the conversation.
