In
recent years, we have all become conscious of the hidden army of people known
as ‘carers’ (‘caregivers’ in the US).

These
are the people who look after a frail (or confused) family member or friend.
They may be daughters (or sons) looking after an elderly parent or, perhaps, a
sibling. Or they may be spouses looking after one another.

Parents
of disabled children are also described in this light. These are frequently
older women, but they can be of any age or either gender. Even children under
18 sometimes find themselves in this role.

You
may well know someone in this circumstance, or it may be you. We all feel for
them, as caregiving is a difficult situation. It can take over one’s entire
life, especially if the carer is living with the person they care for and get
little respite.

The Carer I Knew Best

I
became aware of the existence of carers when I was relatively young, because my
husband’s favourite aunt was one. She had found herself in the traditional role
(in England) of the youngest daughter who never married but stayed home to look
after her increasingly frail mother.

She
was not relieved of those responsibilities until her mother died, when she was
already in her late 40s and rather worn down.

In
her case, perhaps unusually, she blossomed soon after. She married a very nice
older widower and began to substitute regular visits to church to equally
regular visits to the pub.

They
moved to a new house and she had a good life for many years until he suffered a
stroke and she became a carer all over again.

Semi-Carers

But
there is another category of people who are not the principal carer and so are
almost completely overlooked – namely, what I would call ‘semi-’ or ‘supplementary’
carers. These are an even larger group of people whose lives are affected by
someone who is physically or mentally ill or disabled.

Despite
my familiarity with the pressures of being a principal carer, it never occurred
to me that many other people can also be caught up in the web created by
illness and disability.

This
awakening came when my daughter-in-law was diagnosed with cancer not long after
her baby son was born. (I hasten to say she is fine now.)

Of
course, my son had to take on all sorts of responsibilities not normally
expected of a young husband and father. But so, too, did many other family
members.

My
husband and I became very active baby-sitters and general helpers-out. We set
up our house with all the accoutrements of babyhood – baby bed, highchair, baby
clothes and so forth, so that he could come to us on short notice.

It
was tiring and affected all sorts of decisions, such as whether to travel far
from home. When I mentioned it to my doctor, he said immediately, “Yes, cancer
affects the whole family – that is well known.”

In
retrospect, it was not difficult to provide the help that we did, but it was
difficult never knowing when we could be needed. Whatever our plans for the
day, a phone call could arrive at any time asking us to come now. Your own life
gets put slightly ’on hold’.

Indeed,
I am not asking for sympathy, as being required to help to look after a small
baby is a mixed blessing. Yes, it put pressures on us that had not existed
before, but it also brought the pleasures of caring for a baby again. And it made
us much closer to that grandchild, which has lasted over the years.

The Wide Impact of Illness

But
my experience made me stop and think about how many people are so affected. Not
simply by cancer, but by any form of long-lasting illness or disability.

Perhaps
there is a need to provide food for a family, where the mother can no longer
cook, or take on the role of driving the ill person to hospital appointments.

There
can be a need to keep the household going in all sorts of ways, such as general
provisioning or sorting out bills. Not to mention helping
with the children, including the simple
problem of getting them to school.

There
is no ‘system’ to sort out these issues. Some countries provide more state help
than others, such as paid carers who come in to help with washing and dressing.
But when you remove one person from the equation of running a family, you
immediately set up needs for all kinds of help.

Older Women

In
these situations, there are always some family members (or friends) who are
more willing to step in to help than others. Indeed, it is common for people to
assume that where someone competent is on the case, there is no need to offer
more help.

This,
of course, puts more pressure on those who are willing to help and can be the
source of considerable family tensions.

And
it is often we, older women, who find ourselves doing what we can. Perhaps it
is because we have more time and fewer responsibilities of our own, especially
if our children are grown up and we are no longer working.

But
what starts as ‘just helping out a bit’ can easily escalate into doing more and
more. And we do have other things we want to do.

Does
this all sound familiar? If you had such a request, are you someone who says, “Yes,
of course,” without even thinking about it? These are fundamental issues,
concerning how we feel about ourselves and our role in our families.

Semi-carers
are not put upon in heavy ways. It is just normal, day-to-day activities that
need to be factored into whatever plans there were before.

I
would not go so far as to say they deserve some form of recognition, but if you
have friends in this circumstance, I would urge you to acknowledge their
contribution.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Who is the primary caregiver in your family? Are you currently helping out in some way with a parent or other relative or even a friend in need? Have you been asked to do so in the past? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.