In honor of my father, who died in 2020 at the age of 93, I’m opening a conversation about men and boys. My father was typical of his time, showing love for our family by working hard and providing for us. He often did not have much time for his children.
We became close after my mother died in 2000, until his death. By then, he enjoyed spending time with me and, for the first time, expressed pride in my accomplishments. With one grandson and another on the way, I began to explore the topic of what is happening with boys and men.
Starting a Dialogue
Recently, a dialogue opened up about boys and men following the release of the fictional Netflix series Adolescence, featuring a 13-year-old boy who is alienated and murders a female schoolmate. The investigation uncovers internet bullying and his increasingly misogynistic attitudes promulgated by online influencers who promoted the “manosphere.”
The series seems to have hit a nerve. British Prime Minister Starmer and government officials plan to propose showing the series in every secondary school in the UK as a wake-up call. Meanwhile, the American Institute for Boys and Men (AIMB) criticizes the idea because they feel Adolescence exaggerates the risks of social media influencing young boys. Yet, whether or not you agree, the AIMB presents some dramatic statistics.
Men Are Suffering
Fifteen percent of young men today say they don’t have a close friend – a five-fold increase since 1990. This loneliness, combined with societal pressures, has resulted in a mental health crisis for American boys and men. Today, men are four times more likely than women to die by suicide, yet 10 percentage points less likely than women to access mental health care.
Having fought for women’s rights since the 70s, I’ve experienced the meteoric advances for women in the last 50 years. Women are outscoring men and have become the majority in universities, entering a wide array of fields and assuming leadership roles. We’ve worked hard for our gains, but we have a long way to go: men still hold the majority of top positions of power. Sexual harassment and domestic violence are far from eradicated.
Yet, it is in all our interests to address what is happening to men and boys.
Not a Zero-Sum Game
Men don’t have to suffer because women are doing better. We are not in a zero-sum game.
A podcast featuring Richard Reeves, who studies gender inequality, stating that men and boys are in “really bad shape” according to research in the areas of health, education, income, happiness, friendship, and more. Although some on social media blame feminism for this, Reeves explains that there is much more to it:
Economics plays a significant role in the problem, particularly with the shift away from manufacturing. Today, two out of three jobs require postsecondary education and training, while three out of four jobs in the 1970s required a high school diploma or less.
Girls mature faster and do better in the education system, which is not geared to the needs of boys. Reeves suggests we consider starting boys a year later than girls to level the playing field.
We don’t have effective support systems to help men adapt, find new roles, and navigate the changes that accompany them.
We lack male role models – fewer men work as teachers, and divorces often leave boys without positive male influences. It’s in all our interests to pay attention.
Qualities to Cultivate in Children
So, I began creating a universal list of qualities to cultivate in all children, regardless of their gender:
- Responsibility and accountability with integrity, acknowledging and learning from mistakes.
- Emotional intelligence and maturity with a capacity to manage emotions, respect the feelings of others, and make wise choices.
- Courage, physical and emotional strength, and a willingness to speak up and stand up for themselves and others.
- Respect, kindness, and compassion with skills for building strong relationships with people of all backgrounds.
- Nurturing, helping, and caring for others.
Regardless of Gender
We also need to consider what all people need to let go of: dominance-oriented bravado and self-centered egotism, physical toughness and aggression, emotional stoicism, trying to act invulnerable, and suppressing emotions. Additionally, we need to let go of know-it-all behavior, including manipulating others, capitulating, and allowing others to dominate us.
On a practical level, all people need to negotiate their lives together, including household tasks and child-rearing. Parents need to be a team to manage finances, provide for their families, and create a safe and protective environment.
Society Plays a Role as Well
We need to open a dialogue on these issues and find collaborative solutions. We should teach young people self-regulation and communication skills, tailoring our approach to meet each child’s unique needs. We must critically analyze social media and mitigate its negative impacts.
Most of all, we need to pay attention when a young person is lonely, isolated, bullied, or unhappy and provide support systems with caring leaders. Each of us can be a role model, as a mother, father, grandparent, teacher, or friend. This Father’s Day, let’s open a conversation with people to work together for a better world.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What do you know about boys’ and men’s health in today’s world? Have you mentored boys? How was it different from mentoring girls?
