We all have guilty pleasures. But do you want to know which one is
I love watching House
Hunters on HGTV! There’s nothing better to do on a lazy Sunday morning.
So, coffee in hand (or let’s be honest… a homemade mimosa), I curl
up on my couch watching TV, shouting at it, telling the clueless couple to go
with House #2 because they can just repaint the damn walls instead of making
the horrible decision of going with House #1.
But lately, I’ve noticed something happen to me after watching.
Instead of feeling relaxed from enjoying a silly show, and being
grateful for not having to work, I started to feel a little resentful. I
started to think, “Wait, why can’t I have the opportunity to buy a big fancy
house? Why am I here instead, in this small apartment?”
And that resentment got me thinking about something that many of
us do as we recover from divorce. It’s a nasty habit that keeps us from being happy and able to love this new chapter in
our life. So, this week, let’s take a look at that slip-up and learn how to
The Big Obstacle: We Focus on What We Lack
When we’re learning how to get our lives back, resentment an easy
trap to fall into. Once we start feeling bad about where we are, instead of
being happy with it, we forget all the awesome stuff. And the roadblock only
gets worse, because then we start telling ourselves things like these:
“I’m too old to be single. I should have a partner right now.”
“I should still be happily married right now.”
“I should be as successful as the family and friends I have on
This way of thinking is dangerous as we move on because it relies
on some external force to dictate how our lives should be. Only we have the
power and control to do that.
We Compare Ourselves to Others
Ever heard of the Facebook and Instagram effect?
You know what I’m talking about. The one where the old high-school
classmate has uploaded a picture of her million-dollar beach house and puts
#blessed in the caption.
Or the one where a distant relative has posted a picture of their
feet in the sand by the beach with a tropical drink in hand and writes “so
lucky in my life” or some crap like that.
We have all been guilty of thinking we need other things in our life in
order to live the way we want.
We forget just how much good we have in our own lives.
I like to think of this as the Psychology of Abundance. When we
are going through divorce, or recovering from it and trying to figure out the
rest of our lives, we forget that we actually have the world at our fingertips,
and that we have a huge load of new things going for us.
Sure, your life and stability have changed.
Sure, your financial situation may seem shaky and you may be
worried about supporting yourself.
Sure, your identity may be in existential crisis and you may be
lost, not knowing who you are now or what you want as you start the next
chapter of your life.
Nobody’s denying the shake-up. But guess what riches that shake-up
The fact that you are still alive.
That you are here.
That you are given a second chance at life.
Do you have any idea how rich those gifts are?
I remember the time when I was going through my own divorce. I was
floored and stressed and reeling from all the things I thought I’d lost—a
comfortable financial situation, a partner in life, a future I thought I knew.
One day, as I was mourning my losses instead of focusing on the
abundance of things I actually had (my health, a decent job, my dogs, good
friends, and a supportive family), I got a kick in the butt.
I was flipping through an old literature book from my college
days, and a quotation popped out. It was written a world away and a lifetime
ago, but it was like it was written just for me.
“If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; blame yourself,
tell yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches; for to the
creator there is no poverty and no poor indifferent place.”
—Ranier Maria Wilke
That last part woke me up – for the creator there is no poor indifferent place.
Once we start celebrating what we have and not bemoaning what we
do not, we become free. Our stress levels decrease. Our anxiety goes away.
Feelings of jealousy and bitterness start to disappear. And we become grateful,
recognizing each new day as the gift that it is.
So, want to begin thriving with what you already have and not what
you wish you possessed?
Step #1: Consider Your Lack
The next time you feel bad because you think you’re lacking
something, stop and explicitly state what you feel it is. Example:
Ugh… I don’t have enough money for a down payment on a nice condo!
Step #2: Consider the Implications of Obtaining the Item in Question
After pinpointing your perceived lack of something, reverse that
way of thinking. Explicitly state why your lack of what you have is actually a
good thing at this time.
Wait… that nice condo is going to have some super-high HOA fees!
Geez… that actually means I will have to pay even more money a month than what
I pay now – money I
currently put in savings. Maybe a fancy condo isn’t such a good thing for me at
Step #3: Consider What You Do Have
Acknowledge something you actually have for which you are
Well, I don’t have a fancy condo, but I do have a delightfully
cozy and affordable apartment that is super-easy to clean and helps me stay
within my budget – two things
that many people do not have. Dang. I guess I am pretty thankful for that.
Make a habit of acknowledging those things you have. Do it often.
Heck, write it in your gratitude journal if you have one.
The more you divert your way of thinking from the things you lack to
the things that you have, you will find that the previous feelings of jealousy, resentment, and bitterness toward
others for what they have start to decrease, and may even just disappear.
When done regularly, you then start to notice all the great things
going on in your life. And once you notice them, little by little you will find
yourself grateful for them until you realize just how rich you really are and
how abundant your life really is.
Because you have enough. And you’re doing great with what you
But you can still watch House Hunters if you want.
often do you find yourself wanting something that you don’t really need? What
do you do in such situations? Does resentment creep up and try to grab a hold
of you? How do you deal with it? Please share in the comments below.