One morning back when I was in my mid-50s, I realized two things… the first was that I had no good female friends. I mean, I had acquaintances. People who would be happy to jump in and help if I needed it. But no one I could call and chat with about my feelings, my struggles, and my joys.
No one I could text and say, “Miss you, Friend!” or “I’ve had the best day!” No one who knew me. You know, the real me. The truth is, I raised a family of 5 kids, mostly on my own, and frankly, I didn’t have time for friends. What I mean is, I didn’t have time to nurture friendships. Not the way they deserved to be nurtured.
The second thing I realized was that once my kids were adults, I really began to feel like I was missing something. That, for the first time in my adult life, I truly craved close friendships with women I could connect with. And I started to realize a truth…
That as women, we need each other.
We need to be there to lift each other up, to help each other through, and to share each other’s big moments and small ones. No one can understand what it’s like to be female more than another female. Don’t get me wrong, one of my very best friends is a man. But my circle was missing something.
Finding Your Circle
One of the unexpected consequences of growing older that most women don’t expect is waking up one morning and realizing that making new friends is hard. Most of our lives friendships probably happened as a result of natural consequences… You might have met other women at your kids’ events, at the office, or as a couple with your spouse.
You cheered in the stands together, you carpooled each other’s kids to swim lessons, you slipped out of the office early on Fridays for drinks. But as your lives changed, you may have drifted apart. Kids leave home, jobs and careers end, and we often change our very interests and values as we age.
Here is the good news. At this stage in our lives, we now have the time to really nurture and appreciate adult female friendships. Now, how to make new friends as an aging woman? Especially if you are retired or out of the workforce?
How to Make New Friends in Midlife and Beyond
It is hard to open yourself up to making new friends. Many of us have been burned in the past by friendships gone bad. We may have a history with other women that has been difficult. We may be a little stuck in our routine.
But not only is it possible, it’s vital for our wellbeing, according to an article published by the NIH which explains that older women who value friendship and make socializing a priority are less likely to have issues with health and memory.
Here are some easy ideas for learning how to make new friends as an older woman.
Be Proactive – Reach Out
First things first… If you are waiting around for another woman to make the first move, don’t. They are probably waiting for the same thing. It’s hard being vulnerable, but so worth it!
Reach out to ask a neighbor to tea, be bold enough to ask to exchange numbers with a woman you hit it off with, or start a local group around your interests and invite women from your community. If it’s difficult for you to be proactive, here are some more ideas on how to build your confidence as an older woman.
Find People with Common Interests
Most of us want friends who share our interests, so make sure you spend time around people who enjoy yours. Join a book club, take a class, or volunteer somewhere you are passionate about. Need ideas? Check out my post on hobbies for women!
Use Technology to Find Friends
Don’t be afraid to use technology to open up new doors to friendship… Online support groups, online communities for women in midlife+, or maybe even Google for a retreat you can join with like-minded women.
Find Friends from the Past
Had an amazing friend back in school you lost touch with? Chances are, you may be able to find her on Facebook or Instagram. Reach out!
Do Female-Only Outings
Have couple friends with your S.O.? Ask the female half of that combo out to coffee, lunch, or a fun outing, and develop a friendship apart from your other halves. (And it will make the times you get together as couples all the more fun!)
Friendship Isn’t About Numbers
Remember back in school when the popular girls had dozens of girlfriends? Well, life isn’t high school, ladies. It doesn’t matter how many friends you have; it’s the quality of friends that matters. Make sure you take the time to nurture the friendships you create and develop deep relationships.
We’ve been around long enough to know that shallow small talk and shopping trips aren’t what we are looking for at this point in our lives. We want connection. We want to feel heard. We want someone who understands the unique problems a midlife+ woman deals with.
It’s OK to Be Lonely
If you are feeling lonely as an older woman, that’s ok. It’s nothing to feel self-conscious about; we all feel that way at times. But do something about it. You are not too old, and you are not ridiculous for wanting to make new friends at this point in your life. Band together with girls that are your tribe, your people, your cheerleaders, your supporters. And maybe for the first time, like me, find female friendships that will last your lifetime. And yes, you still have a lot of that left. Don’t spend it in loneliness!
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Would you say making friends after 60 is hard? Has it always been hard for you to make friends, or is this a post-60 development? Where do you think might be the issue?
