I did not get along with my mom. We both had strong personalities, different ways of looking at life, and personal issues that made it hard to be nice to each other. Once I became old enough to speak up, we were off and running, fighting for the last word and sometimes fighting just to fight. I used to think our relationship was so rocky because we were so different. Now I know it was because we were so much alike!
Nevertheless, she was my mom and I loved her despite our snarky relationship. When Mom was diagnosed with Dementia, I immediately stepped up to be her caregiver. I wanted to support and lovingly care for her.
My Mom Was Proud and Independent
It was hard. She hated the thought of losing her independence. She had been a formidable, self-sufficient powerhouse who ruled the roost. She was so proud, and asking for or accepting help was not her style. Having me show up offering help she felt she didn’t need was excruciatingly difficult for her and made her angry and anxious (Read my article, Caregiving a Difficult Parent: How to Cope and Heal the Relationship).
I Carried Some Emotional Baggage from My Past
They say if you are hysterical, it’s historical. I was most certainly hysterical in the beginning. I acknowledged that I had some serious baggage I needed to unpack from my relationship with her if I was going to survive my caregiving journey. Mom was not going to change, so I had to.
My Strategies to Minimize the Negative Narrative
Here are 6 effective strategies I developed and lessons I’ve learned along the way that may help if your parent or loved one can be difficult, grouchy, or mean and your relationship with them is challenging. Taken together they can ease the tension and diffuse the negative narrative.
Self-Awareness
I had to take a long hard look at my behaviors and triggers. I started paying close attention to my reactions to my mom by noting the way my body, mind, and heart were feeling when she baited me or argued with me. I questioned my reasons for being angry, defensive, and frustrated and slowly picked apart what was bothering me and why.
One thing I noticed was that I came into every conversation ready to fight, annoyed and defensive. When I started the conversation with a better attitude and listened, she felt heard and wasn’t as defensive. I tried numerous techniques to count to 10, breathe, pause, remain calm, and be curious rather than critical. We began to be civil to each other and eventually had nice conversations. It wasn’t easy, but the softer I was, the softer she became.
Seek Support
Don’t do it alone. We are only as sick as our secrets. When we share our stories, concerns, and challenges, we shine a light on them and we allow others to give us support, hear us, validate our emotions, and give us a new perspective.
When we are so close to our loved ones without feedback from others, the overwhelm can feel insurmountable. I found a trusted group of caregivers, a therapist, a church group, and family and friends I could reach out to night and day.
I didn’t find them all at once by any means, but I refused to give up until I found people I could count on and reach out to who were good listeners and caring supporters.
Humor
Interestingly enough, my mom had a great sense of humor, and we did think the same things were funny. If I was honest, I had spent much of my life trying to make her laugh that wicked laugh of hers. When I took the time to be relaxed and positive and worked at making her laugh more than trying to be right, humor became a critical bond between us.
Smiling and laughing together was a key to getting along and healing our relationship. I worked at seeing the funny side of things instead of being so tense all the time.
Do You Want to Be Right or Do You Want to Be Happy?
As Mom began to lose her battle with dementia and became more anxious, irrational, and distressed, it became obvious to me that she needed comfort and support, not aggravation or confrontation. I began to ask myself if it was more important to be right or be happy?
Needing to be right seemed so ridiculous and even cruel. I began to understand that agreeing with her was so much easier and kinder. Surprisingly, when I stopped trying to be right all the time, so did Mom. Being happy was so much better than being right.
Radical Self-Care
Self-care is critical, necessary, and deserved, not a luxury item. You can’t give from an empty cup. If I was rested, eating healthy foods, taking a little time for myself, and making sure I prioritized my well-being, I was calmer, more patient, and more compassionate. Taking care of me made me stronger to take care of her. By making sure my needs were met, I became a better caregiver.
Walk Away If You Are Able
If my mom became agitated and I wasn’t able to calm her down or respond to her properly, I would simply walk away after saying “I’ll be right back, Mom.” The separation eased the tension. Stepping away from the fire when possible usually puts it out. I would make sure she was safe if I left her alone. If it wasn’t, I would see if someone could stay with her while I cooled off. When I wasn’t able to step completely away, I would at least text or call someone to let off the steam and get support.
I No Longer Needed to Have the Last Word
I found a combination of these tactics gave me the space and energy to face my Mom when she was being less than kind. I began to value our relationship more when I could manage it better by responding rather than reacting. Arguing and disagreement had no place in the final time I had with her.
As I watched her become so lost and confused and her spark began to diminish, my time with her became so precious. I wasn’t about to waste it. I worked hard at being able to appreciate who she was and what she meant to me. With a little bit of luck and lots of work, I got to know this dynamic woman. I gained insight and made memories.
I was blessed to find that at times we could be two peas in a pod who could laugh and love together. It was no longer about having the last word, it was about sharing our words. I am forever grateful that instead of fighting with her, I fought to change and heal our relationship and shine as her caregiver.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you been someone’s caregiver? How did that change your relationship? What compromises or solutions did you find for being a better caregiver to your loved one?
