I’m sure most of you will remember hearing someone say to you or someone else, “You’re going to learn your lesson!” Or “It’s time you learn your lesson!”
Well, this is a variation on a theme, and I say, “It’s time you UNlearn your lesson(s)! Especially those that aren’t so helpful or healthy in retrospect.
So, I sat down one night with a few Trader Joe’s dark chocolate caramels (actively unlearning the lesson not to eat chocolate too close to bedtime!), and I wrote down the first 3 lessons that came to mind, in no particular order, which I believe are outdated and quite worthy of being unlearned!
#1: Don’t Question Authority
I never ascribed to this one… you can ask my mom. The word Whyyyy? may as well have been my first word.
These days especially, we must question authority to maintain our basic safety, rights and freedoms! Seniors can be very vulnerable if they aren’t empowered to advocate for themselves whether it be at a restaurant, grocery store, doctor’s office or retirement community setting.
At the other end of the age timeline, I believe that kids need to know that it’s ok to question someone in a position of authority, especially if they feel unsafe or if something doesn’t feel right. As we know all too well, there are those in power who will abuse their position. We all need to speak up and be our own advocate.
So, if you grew up learning the lesson not to question a person of authority, let’s start to unlearn it?! Your quality of life… and even your life could depend on it.
#2: Behave: Don’t Laugh Too Loud, Act Too Silly, or Stand Out in a Crowd
The other day I was listening to Martha Beck on her podcast. She was talking about how we’re made to feel ashamed when we are being what may be considered as ‘too much’. The gist of it was, we’re taught to always behave. Well, she used one example of laughing loudly in a public place, and I flinched because it took me back to an incident that happened to me… as an adult.
I was out to dinner with family and friends at a noisy family style Italian restaurant with lots of people and kids etc. I was not a kid… I was a mom, my kids sitting next to me. Somebody said something funny, and I laughed out loud… a big hearty that-was-SO-funny laugh. At that moment, another adult at the table, in my generation, yelled at me from across the table, “Nancy! Lower your voice!” Needless to say, I was appalled that my contemporary was scolding me for laughing loudly… in a noisy restaurant! With time, I have forgiven this offense but clearly have not forgotten it… which was helpful in beginning the unlearning process.
Back to Martha Beck… when I heard her encouraging listeners to laugh loudly, dance, look silly, be you, I felt so validated and reminded at how preposterous it was that I was shamed for expressing joy in a perfectly appropriate setting. It’s not like I was dancing on the tables naked!
Of course, I have since realized that it was more of a reflection of what was going on for that person and didn’t have anything to do with me.
My point: Unlearn the lesson that you should dim your light and blend in to keep others comfortable. Let your freak flag fly!
#3: Always Put Others Before Yourself
This is a doozey, isn’t it?! This lesson helped create the disease to please and caused it to go viral.
I’ve talked about this before and got some pushback. To clarify, I’m not saying to be a narcissist or never think of others and only do what’s best for you. With all this and the two prior examples, common sense prevails.
Some of us are on people-pleasing autopilot, which makes it easy to crash and burn without notice.
We learned the lesson to serve everyone else first, take the broken cookie, have sex when we don’t feel like it… to name a few.
If we don’t do what we need to do for ourselves first, whether that looks like taking a break when we need one, feeding ourselves first, or going to bed early when we need to… then exhaustion, resentment toward others and passive-aggressive behavior are just three examples of the debris from the wreckage that can come from neglecting ourselves.
We need to Unlearn this lesson one ‘no,’ and one ‘not right now,’ at a time.
As I mentioned at the beginning, these are the first three examples that came to mind when listing lessons that I feel no longer serve us.
How About YOU?
I’m curious: What lessons have you learned that you feel are important to Unlearn? Please share in the comments!
