Life has a way of stirring up an array of uncomfortable thoughts and questions, especially as we get older. Just when we thought we had things neatly organized and our past tucked away where it belongs, we’re hit with the dreaded, “What if?”
Women in particular often find themselves reflecting on the choices they made – or didn’t make – earlier in life.
Thoughts about careers, children, lifestyle choices, missed adventures, or dreams set aside for practical reasons can settle in like unwelcome guests.
What if,
- I’d gotten that degree?
- Pursued that career?
- I’d spent more time with family?
But as disconcerting as these thoughts and questions can be, they can also be great teachers and serve a larger purpose.
Mid-to-later life doesn’t need to be about staring backwards at all the closed doors. Instead, it can be the first time that the pathway to those doors is obvious, and the doors unlocked.
Sounds a little too Pollyanna?
Let’s explore.
Why Regrets and What-Ifs Are Loudest During Second Half of Life
Before we consider where we place and how we use those nagging thoughts, let’s talk about why they’re so loud right now.
In our 20s and 30s, life feels big and somewhat overwhelming. We’re dealing with the now and the urgent and believe there’s time to handle tomorrow’s problems tomorrow.
That’s not wrong, by the way. During those years it’s all about moving forward, getting established, and maintaining stability, sanity, and balance.
The choices you make, for better or worse, are the right ones for you and your family in those moments.
However, once we reach our 50s and 60s, our perception of time changes.
It’s like looking at the instant replay in a football game. From this vantage point, you can see things in a new light and think, “Oh, why didn’t I run that play differently?!”
This is when regrets can be triggered.
For women in particular, midlife years can amplify these feelings because of the truly pronounced transitions they experience.
- Children leave home.
- Marriage or relationships change.
- Menopause comes and goes.
- Retirement settles.
- Health concerns emerge.
And society doesn’t help, as it so often places a premium on youth vs. experience.
So, women can find themselves feeling displaced, lacking relevance, and with more time than is healthy to reflect on the roads not taken.
BUT – it doesn’t need to be like that. In fact, it absolutely should not be like that.
Reframing Regret as a Teacher
The first step in processing regret and “what ifs” is to shift your perspective.
Let’s look at some examples.
If You Regret Not Traveling More
It highlights the value you place on exploration and your curiosity about the world.
If You Regret Not Pursuing a Particular Career
Look at the aspects of that career choice that were most alluring to you. This shows the areas of work that are most meaningful to you and you can figure out ways to explore them now.
If You Regret Not Spending Enough Time with Family or Friends
The emotional elasticity of most people is pretty impressive, especially when it comes to family. So, this regret can serve as a direct call to action for prioritizing those relationships and reversing the impact of prior choices.
My point?
Once you see the value beneath the regret, you can actively find ways to honor that value now.
As a practical exercise for understanding these things more clearly, try the following:
- Write down the regret that’s weighing on you.
- Ask yourself, “What is this regret revealing about what’s important to me?”
- Brainstorm how you can focus on that value NOW, even if the original opportunity has passed.
Keep in mind that just because a specific opportunity or age of ability has passed, it doesn’t mean the value can’t be honored or that experience can’t be had. It just may be a bit different.
For instance, backpacking through Europe at 22 may now be touring Europe more comfortably at 60. Still fun and adventurous.
Turning “What Ifs” Into “What’s Next?”
Allowing yourself to embrace the excitement of “What’s next?” means first letting go of the emotional grip regrets can have on you.
So, to move forward effectively and with the least emotional weight possible, try employing these strategies.
Practice Self-Forgiveness and Compassion
As I mentioned earlier, when you were younger, you made the decisions you needed to make at that time. While hindsight may seem like 20/20, it’s not always fair.
Give yourself some grace and don’t let your current perspective color your past choices.
Share Your Story
Regrets thrive in silence. Telling your story to a friend, family member, or therapist can remove their power.
Create a Release Ritual
It may sound silly, but symbolically releasing your regrets can help you feel less burdened by them. It can also help you mark a turning point for moving forward.
Consider writing them down on slips of paper and then burning them or releasing them into water.
Focus on the “Yet”
Instead of saying, “I never tried that,” or “I never did that,” modify by adding “yet.”
“I haven’t done that – YET,” and “I haven’t tried that – YET” are much more powerful and optimistic.
Now that you’ve worked to let the “what ifs” go, your next step is to focus on what’s next by creating new experiences and planning for your future.
The following can help you get started.
Make a List of All the Things You’d Like to Try and Set a Calendar
If big things seem overwhelming, start small. Take a class, make some phone calls, do some research, or write a letter. Your approach will depend on your goal.
Set one goal for each month, and perhaps a larger goal (like travel) for each year.
Recruit Friends or Family to Join You (Or at Least Support You)
New adventures can be more exciting (and more likely to occur) when you have a partner and/or support from people you care about.
Surround Yourself with “Possibility” Thinkers
There’s a lot to be said for the influence the company you keep can have. Energy is contagious – both high and low energy.
Dealing with the regrets and “what ifs” that can occur during the second half of life isn’t about rewriting history. It’s about accepting the past, recognizing the value in the lessons, and determining the best way to move forward.
Regrets don’t have to cancel out potential, and they should be looked at as kindling for the fire that keeps your sense of self and excitement for the future alive.
Let’s Reflect:
Have you been dealing with life regrets? Have you found a way to process them and move forward? Please share your story and join the conversation.
