Over 12 years ago, after a year of dealing with stomach cancer, my husband passed away. As any widow knows, this is an utterly devastating thing to happen, even if you are towards the end of your life, you know it is the ‘natural’ conclusion, and your spouse feels ready to go.
Being
left behind takes quite a bit of getting used to, there is no doubt about it. But
we can’t bury ourselves in our grief for the rest of our lives. We need to find
a way to recover and move on.
Some
of us choose to remarry, and so did I, although this is a different kind of
marriage.
I Married Myself
In
a ceremony in the woods behind my house, I stood by myself and took off my
engagement ring and wedding band that had symbolized my relationship to my
husband.
It
felt hugely important, relieving, and sad and tearful all at the same
time. I didn’t know why it was so important to take those rings off. I was
just trusting, because it didn’t feel right anymore to wear them.
What
felt right was to have my fingers bare – until it didn’t.
After
a fairly short while, I had a flash of inspiration and realized that I needed
to buy a new ring and marry myself.
When
the idea took hold, I didn’t want to rush with it. I knew that the right ring and
ceremony will present themselves to me at the right time.
A Special Ring
The ring, an
intricate design of overlapping circles, showed itself to me in the local high
street jewellers (bonus points, as I like to support the local economy).
Then, while I
was walking on Findhorn beach, a beautiful stone grabbed my attention. Its message
was clear: “I represent the lines of the life flowing through you; the 2 halves
of your life (before Philip died and after), and the crystal in the middle is
your essence, who you really are.”
I
took it, knowing it would be important in whatever ceremony was to follow.
The Ceremony
A
few days later, the perfect place for the ceremony presented itself into my
mind. A spot on the Findhorn river where I had gone skinny dipping in the heat
of the previous summer. It was important as a symbol of emerging to the world
from the caves of grief.
So one day, having
decked myself out in some new pretty lingerie, just like a bride would, and
before I met with my women’s group, I went off to the river. (A quick detour to
my favourite café had me writing my vows to myself in my journal over a cup of
coffee.)
Down by the rushing river, which was much higher than it had been in the summer, I had a private little ceremony – with Philip’s energy in the air quietly and lovingly approving and applauding – and put the ring on my finger.
I
left the stone there as a memento of this new page in my life. I was singing
all the way back, walking along the river path.
At
my women’s group later that day, we held a celebration, toasting with a special
bottle of wine.
We Need New Beginnings
To this day, I still wear my ring because I am
committed to myself. It helped me live through my loss and grief and embrace my
new life.
I cherish the moment of that beautiful ritual,
because it helped me move on and open up to new beginnings. I have now met a
new man and we’re building a new life together.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What ritual could you do to feel good about
where you are in your life? How often do you listen to your intuition and let
it guide you? Please join in and let’s have a conversation!
