Most of us know what it feels like to regret a purchase. Maybe you’ve bought something you didn’t need, given too much to a loved one, or carried debt longer than you expected.
But there’s a heavier burden that lingers long after the money is gone: money shame.
Money shame isn’t just about dollars and cents. It’s about worth, identity, and the stories we tell ourselves about what our financial choices “say” about us. And for many women over 60, money shame has been a lifelong companion.
Marjorie’s Story
Marjorie, 72, still cringes when she remembers a credit card balance from her 40s. She paid it off years ago, but when she looks at her retirement accounts today, she still hears the voice in her head, saying, “If you hadn’t messed up then, you’d be fine right now.”
The debt is gone, but the shame lingers. It shapes how she spends, how she talks to her children about money, even how she sees herself in the mirror.
Why Money Shame Sticks Around
Money shame is sticky because it attaches to our sense of worth. Let’s discuss a few reasons it often shows up strongly for women later in life.
Messages from Childhood
Many grew up hearing “we don’t talk about money” or “people like us can’t afford that.” These scripts stay alive in our heads for decades.
Cultural Expectations
Women of this generation were often taught to prioritize everyone else’s needs above their own. Spending on yourself? Selfish. Saying no? Cold.
Life Transitions
Divorce, widowhood, and retirement bring financial shifts that can trigger old shame stories: “I should have planned better.”
Comparison
Seeing friends with bigger homes, fancier trips, or more savings can spark feelings of failure, whether or not your own choices were wise.
How Money Shame Shows Up
It’s not always obvious. Sometimes money shame hides behind habits that look like “responsibility” or “discipline.”
Ask yourself:
- Do I avoid opening bills or bank statements because I dread what I’ll feel?
- Do I downplay my successes, “I just got lucky”, instead of celebrating them?
- Do I keep financial secrets from loved ones, not because of privacy, but because of embarrassment?
- Do I hear a harsh inner voice whenever I spend on myself?
These are all signs that shame, not wisdom, is driving your money decisions.
The Cost of Carrying Shame
Money shame doesn’t make us better with money. In fact, it often makes things worse.
Avoidance
When shame runs the show, we put off hard conversations or ignore problems until they grow bigger.
Over-Restriction
Some women swing the other way, denying themselves joy or rest because they “don’t deserve it.”
Silence
Shame convinces us to keep quiet, which blocks us from getting support.
Relationship Strain
Whether with adult children, partners, or friends, shame erodes trust and openness.
Untangling Money and Worth (The Tool)
The first step to healing money shame is realizing this: Your financial history is not your identity.
Here are a few practical ways to start:
- Name it. Notice when that shame voice shows up. Label it: “That’s shame talking.” Simply naming it can create space between you and the feeling.
- Get curious, not critical. Instead of “I’m so bad with money,” try asking: “What story am I telling myself right now?” Curiosity softens the shame.
- Share in safe places. Talking with a trusted friend, coach, or support group can transform isolation into connection. Often we find out: we’re not alone.
- Celebrate small wins. Shame thrives on highlighting mistakes. Keep a simple list of moments you followed through, paying a bill, setting a boundary, saying no.
- Practice self-compassion. Treat yourself as kindly as you would treat a friend. Mistakes don’t erase your worth.
Why Letting Go Matters
When you loosen shame’s grip, a few things happen:
- You start making choices from confidence, not fear.
- You open space for joy, whether that’s travel, hobbies, or a simple night out.
- You can finally talk openly about money, which deepens relationships and helps you both feel safe.
- You reclaim the sense that your hard work has been worth it.
Closing Thoughts
Money shame can feel like an old shadow that never quite goes away. But it doesn’t define you. With awareness, small shifts, and a willingness to rewrite your money story, you can step into this chapter of life with more freedom and peace.
Want to learn more about healing the impact of financial shame and trauma? Read more here.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you suffered from money shame? What is your money “sin” and have you gotten healed from it?
