We’ve learned to be wary of many social assumptions over the years.
Never assume:
- A woman’s age
- Marital status
- Whether she’s pregnant if there’s ANY possibility she’s not
are just a few.
The assumptions you should avoid may change a bit as you age, but they still exist. And as the years go on, we can add another big one to be cautious of – the assumption that a woman in her 60s has grandchildren.
Although many women in this age range do have grandchildren, some don’t, and the assumption, however well-intentioned, can be hurtful.
I’m not one for tiptoeing around every social landmine that seems to exist these days. If we all did that, we’d never talk to each other. But there are times when being cognizant that your life’s pathway may not be the same as someone else’s is highly appropriate. And whether a woman is a grandmother is one of them.
Here’s why.
Why Assuming All Women Over a “Certain Age” Are Grandmother’s Can Be Insensitive
Becoming a grandparent has been considered a natural milestone in later life for generations.
Women had children in their 20s or 30s, then by the time they reached their 60s, their children had children, and they became Grandmas, Nanas, Babas, or Memaws.
This expectation is still reflected in many interactions today.
When people meet a 60-something woman, they often begin with questions such as, “How many grandkids do you have?”
Even marketing materials for retirement communities often depict joyful grandparents surrounded by children.
While these scenarios may seem harmless, they carry a clear message: If you’re not a grandparent, you’re an exception and different.
This means women without grandchildren often find themselves in awkward conversations where they must either explain their situation or deflect uncomfortable questions.
Asking a woman about her grandkids without knowing whether she has any is almost certainly an attempt to create a connection or promote conversation.
But that premise does several things.
Assumes Life Choices
Many women made a point of choosing not to have children. Perhaps they decided never to marry either. Whatever the case, having children, the most direct path to having grandchildren, may not have been every woman’s life choice.
Reflects Opinions About Age
It’s not at all uncommon for women to have children later in life these days. Many women with young children or teens would have once upon a time been grandparents at their current age.
A woman who has kids who are nowhere near ready to have their own children may feel like the assumption she’s a grandmother is insulting.
And, unless you’re sure of a woman’s age, it’s also worth noting that not all women age the same way. So, in the same way, you want to tread lightly when you think a woman’s pregnant, you should also do so when making assumptions about other age-related benchmarks.
Can Trigger Grief
Some women may have made a choice not to have children, but others may not have had a choice at all.
For the women who were unable to have children, lost a child, or are estranged from family, well-meaning questions regarding grandchildren can open up old wounds.
May Diminish Other Achievements
There are many women who consider their families their greatest achievement. But for a woman who’s worked for years to succeed in other areas, making grandparenthood the hallmark of success can feel dismissive.
Others may feel frustrated that their identity is reduced to their ability to reproduce rather than their accomplishments, passions, and relationships beyond family.
It Can Create Social Isolation
For a woman who doesn’t have grandkids for whatever reason, the assumption that she’s a grandmother when she’s not can leave her feeling like an outsider. These women might also find it challenging to connect with peers who bond over stories of new babies and grandma names and duties.
This not only may lead feelings of alienation, but it might also mean you never get to know a potential best friend.
So, Talking About Being a Grandparent Is Taboo Now?
No! Not in the slightest!
Being a grandparent is terrific for most, and there’s no reason to avoid the topic altogether. We should just consider shifting the way we engage with women in the middle years and up, especially if we’re engaging with someone new.
What do I mean?
Consider the following suggestions:
Vary Your Approach to Conversations
When speaking with someone for the first time, lean toward open-ended questions like,
- “How do you spend your time?”
- “What are you involved in these days?”
- “How’s your winter, spring, etc., been so far?”
Recognize the Many Ways of Making an Impact and Leaving a Legacy
When you love being a grandparent and family is your focus, it can be easy to lose sight of the other ways we all impact society and create a legacy.
Anyone in their 60s has impacted this world in some small (or large) way and has had an impact on others. And maybe they’re about to have an effect on you, too.
They may have mentored people in their field, taught others, or created something. Maybe they’ve traveled and have a new and interesting perspective on life. Or perhaps they’ve done something to improve the world and help others.
Whatever it is, it’s worth it to find out.
Use a Broad Approach to Social Gatherings
One of the best ways to live a rich life is to stay socially active as you age. Women in particular like to create clubs or groups for those with similar interests.
These groups and gatherings are wonderful. Just be sensitive to how they’re presented.
“Grandmas Who Garden,” “Knitting Nanas,” or “The Abuela Bikers” may leave women without grandchildren feeling like they don’t belong.
The assumption that all women in their 60s have, or should have, grandchildren is an outdated and limiting perspective.
In Conclusion
Although many women cherish their grandmother roles, others lead deeply fulfilling lives without that title. It’s essential for us to move beyond narrow definitions of what later life should look like and embrace women’s whole lives and experiences.
If you’ve ever faced these assumptions and felt unseen, know you are not alone. Your story, contributions, and experiences matter, grandchildren or not.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What assumptions have you faced as a 60+ woman? Have you made assumptions about others? How have you gotten out of situations where you have made wrong assumptions?
