Susan called my office in tears. She was overwhelmed because her friend, Mary, named her as her Power of Attorney and needed her to step into this role right away. Although Mary had a brother, he lived half way across the country and had his own health problems. He could not get involved.
Susan had no idea she was even named as Mary’s Power of Attorney. Mary never checked with her or asked her if she would be willing to do this. They had met many years earlier when they worked together, but they weren’t that close.
It was a terrible time for Susan to help Mary. Susan’s husband was very sick, and she had too much on her plate already. Susan was torn, as she knew Mary needed help, but felt burdened and overwhelmed at the thought of taking on this huge job.
Mary couldn’t go home and her house, which was over-run with mice, needed attention, maintenance, snow shoveling and someone checking on it. The bills were piling up. And the financial institutions? They wouldn’t even speak with Mary until she provided all the right documentation, navigated their internal protocols, and filled out more paperwork than she expected.
Susan asked me, “How am I supposed to take care of all this, someone else’s house, someone else’s finances, while still juggling my own life and caring for my sick husband?”
Since I am an Elder Law Attorney, she asked if I could take over for her. Unfortunately, this wasn’t possible because the document did not give Susan the authority to choose someone else if she could not act. The only option was to go to court to ask that a Conservator be appointed for Mary.
Being appointed as Power of Attorney can feel like a burden. Acting as Power of Attorney is a significant responsibility and can be a part-time job. Well-meaning friends may think they can handle it, but in reality, it is a legal and financial role that can last months or even years. It is not always appropriate to expect a friend to take on this job.
The Hard Questions (That Most People Avoid Asking)
If you are a solo senior, it may be difficult to identify someone who could step in to help if you become ill or incapacitated. Without a spouse or adult child, many people look to close friends.
But before naming someone as your Power of Attorney, ask:
- Is this something they’re truly willing and able to do?
- Do they understand what it means to manage someone else’s finances, possibly for a long time?
- Would you want to take on this role for a friend?
It is not about whether they care. It is more about whether they are really the right person for the job and able to handle it, given their own life circumstances and schedules. Acting as someone’s Power of Attorney isn’t just signing a form, it involves:
- Setting up access with banks and investment firms (which can take weeks).
- Paying bills, filing taxes, managing property.
- Acting in your best interest and possibly defending your wishes to others.
Also read, What Now? When You Never Expected to Be Living Alone.
The Power of Substitution (And Giving Your Friend an Out)
If you still want to name a friend, and many people do, consider giving them a lifeline.
One option is to include a Power of Substitution in your document. This allows your friend, if they’re unable or unwilling to serve, to appoint a qualified professional to act on your behalf.
That way, they’re not stuck in a role they can’t handle, and you still have someone in place to help you.
Just as important: ask them first. Don’t assume. Give them time to consider, and if they agree, set them up for success:
- Keep a clearly labeled file with your legal and financial information.
- Give them copies of your documents.
- Keep your accounts and assets organized.
You can download free checklists and planning worksheets at Solo Allies to help.
Need More Help Navigating This?
I wrote The Solo Senior’s Guide to Thrive for people who want to plan and make sure they are prepared, by making good choices now so others don’t have to pick up the pieces later. The book includes a companion workbook to walk you through decisions like this, from choosing fiduciaries to organizing your documents and protecting your future.
You don’t have to do this alone, and you shouldn’t leave your friends to figure it out alone either.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Who have you appointed as your Power of Attorney? Did you ask them first? Did you give them a way out if they are unable to take on this role? Are you the Power of Attorney to somebody else?
