“Let’s brush our teeth before we kiss,” he said on our first date, implying I had bad breath! I was mortified. But I brushed my teeth, and we had a great first kiss.
That was decades ago, and now we’ve been married 27 years. When asked how I knew he was the one, I harken back to that first bold, brave, risky thing he said to me on our first date!
That’s when he won my trust and my heart.
Later, he told me how much he liked me on the first date and how much he wanted the first kiss to be great, but in fact, my garlic breath was distracting him. It was true: I often ate garlic and had been single for a while, and not managing my bodily smells too well, apparently.
Luckily, I was carefree enough not to think I could mess it up with “the one” and carefree enough to get over my embarrassment when he pointed out the truth.
Truth vs. PR
As a dating and relationship coach, I insist that my clients accept two very important edicts:
- You can’t mess it up with “the one,” so be yourself, warts (and smells) and all.
- Your first 3 dates are the optimal time for your true self to come out (and his).
Most people spend early dating in what I call “PR agent” mode, where you present only the sides of yourself you think will be attractive to the other person. There are a few problems that unfold from that strategy:
- It’s exhausting.
- You can’t keep up the show forever (the longest I’ve seen is 7 months).
- Because your subconscious knows you’re acting, ironically, you’ll trust people (and love) less.
I advise the opposite approach: instead of feeling like you have to measure up to some unknowable standard, take the position that you’re the shopper. That means your date has to match what you’re looking for, and then you just have to see if you “can afford” him. In other words, “are you a good match for what he’s looking for?”
There’s no test, no measuring up, no putting on a show.
What Do You Gain?
Here’s the advantage of this alternative – being yourself as much as possible and hoping your date does the same (in the first three dates):
- No pretending or hyping = less effort and stress, more ease.
- You end up finding out much sooner whether or not you’re a match.
- You learn to trust love when it comes.
- BONUS: Maybe you become more accepting of your flaws when you realize everyone has them.
Dating from this perspective requires that you accept that everyone has “liabilities,” but when you find “your one,” those liabilities aren’t tragic. They could, in fact, be assets to the right person. My husband likes garlic too, and we both enjoy brushing our teeth – so that all worked out.
We’re Not About to Change
If you’re over 60 and dating, chances are you’re not planning to change much. You’re set in your ways to a large extent, and so are the people you’re going to date.
Accept Who You Are
I don’t know about you, but the older I get, the less I have the energy to care what other people think about my quirks.
I know there are some things about my personality that could be annoying, and for those I love, I keep them on a leash, but overall, I want to be the most fully expressed me I can be.
Even if you’ve never felt fully comfortable in your own skin, it’s never too late to develop the ability. Working on the issues (sorry if they aren’t as simply solved as bad breath!) builds confidence, as does coming to acceptance. Another liability I have is that I need a lot of time and space by myself. This is something I’ve just come to accept, and my husband accommodates.
Recognize Others’ Issues
If the first step is knowing, owning, and accepting your own (possible) “liabilities,” the next is learning how to determine (and accept) someone else’s. If you’re single, I have happy news from successful couples. Most were surprised about the liabilities they ended up accepting when all of the basic criteria were met for love.
You Can Work Through Most Liabilities
One of the secrets to finding and sustaining healthy love is knowing what’s most important to you in a partner, and the good news is that it’s a shorter list than you might think. Once basic needs are met, like a feeling of safety and trust, a sense that your lives will intertwine well together, and attraction, you find that you can work through a lot of the other details.
When you find “your one,” you’re going to want to know all his quirks, and you’ll be charmed by them, not mind them, or figure out how to tolerate or improve them. What I don’t want you to do is pretend they don’t exist, avoid, or ignore learning all about them!
What we all want most is to be fully seen and loved. It starts with you being able to do that for yourself. Once you get there, you can move on to the ultimate challenge of finding a person worthy of the same.
If someone is honest with you on the first date, reward them with kindness and honesty of your own. Better yet, you start the trend.
You’ll know it’s your person when they want to know all of you and offer their “eyes wide open” love in return. Don’t settle for anything less.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you use dating PR tricks or do you strive to be yourself when dating? Have you had to deal with the aftermath of dishonest dating? What liabilities do you have that aren’t too attractive?
