I help women design their next chapter of life – a chapter filled with joy, purpose, and connection. But the biggest obstacle I see is the struggle to set boundaries. Without them, it’s almost impossible to live the life you imagine. This article – and the free resource at the end – will help you set boundaries with more confidence.
The Pain of Saying Yes When You Want to Say No
Have you ever said yes when you really wanted to say no? Most of us have – and afterward we feel drained or resentful. I’ve gotten better at protecting my time, but like many women, I know how easy it is to sacrifice myself for others. For me, it shows up when someone’s negativity drains my energy, and I don’t say anything to shift the dynamic. Or when I feel guilty about not spending enough time with my aging dad.
Take one of my clients. She often collapses onto the couch before dinner. She loves friends, fitness, and activism – but her plans are often hijacked by last-minute babysitting requests. Each time guilt wins, her own plans are pushed aside – and she ends the day depleted.
Another client shared that she’s always the listener. Her friends talk about their grandkids and health but rarely ask about her. She wants deeper, more reciprocal relationships, yet doesn’t voice her needs.
Why do we do this, even now? Because we’re wired for connection. We want to be loved, included, and thought of positively. The prospect of losing that connection – or making someone upset – can feel scary. But over time, the cost of constantly saying yes is resentment, exhaustion, and relationships that don’t feel fulfilling. After decades of working and giving to others, we deserve better.
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me at the same time.” —Prentis Hemphill
I love this reframe. Boundaries aren’t selfish; they’re an act of love that protects you and your relationships. Without them, you risk not only your health and joy, but also the strength of the connections you care about most.
Why Boundaries Make Life Better
Saying yes out of guilt or habit can quietly erode your well-being. Boundaries flip that equation. By saying no to what drains you, you create space for the experiences and people that give your days meaning.
That’s the gift of boundaries: they let you design days with intention – whether that’s lunch with girlfriends, a creative project, volunteering, or being with people you love.
5 Practices for Healthier Boundaries
Name the Hidden Cost of Yes
When you say yes to please others, something builds up – resentment, fatigue, or loss of self. It’s like the soap scum I finally cleaned off my shower caddy after 11 years – small build-ups eventually demand attention.
Tip: Before saying yes, pause and ask: “What will this cost me?” If it’s your peace or energy, consider saying no.
Design the Room You Want to Walk Into
Boundaries aren’t only about pushing things away. They can be about pulling the right things in. For the client who wanted reciprocal friendships, we brainstormed a flyer for a retired professional women’s circle. She described a community of women interested in meaningful conversation, mutual support, and new ideas. By naming those qualities, she began attracting the relationships she wanted.
Tip: Picture the space, relationship, or day you want. Take one step to make it real.
Try a Mini-Boundary
Decline an invitation, ask for what you need, or calmly name when a boundary is crossed. Notice the relief – that’s data you can trust.
Tip: Practice in low-stakes situations (like skipping a store credit card). It builds the muscle for moments that matter.
Protect Your Energy, Not Just Your Time
We manage our calendars but forget our energy. Notice how much energy you have for what renews you. One way I help clients see this is through an “energy audit” – tracking what fills and drains them over a week.
Tip: Keep a list: “What fills me / What drains me.” Use it to guide your yes and no.
Ask What Your Future Self Will Thank You For
Our time horizon is shorter than it used to be. When you say yes or no, consider yourself 10 years from now. Will she be grateful you protected your joy n or wish you hadn’t?
Tip: Imagine your future self writing you a thank-you note. What boundary would she thank you for?
Turning Points
My client who was exhausted from babysitting realized she needed to protect her energy. She told her adult child she’d help one day a week, but not at the last minute. Setting that limit brought relief and showed her the power of a clear, loving boundary.
My client who was always the listener decided to try a mini-boundary: when her friend finished talking about her grandkids, she said, “Can I share something I’ve been working on lately?” That shift began to reshape the dynamic – and gave her hope that she could create the kind of friendships she really wants.
It can feel scary to speak up, especially when your fears are louder than your courage. But practicing boundaries, even in small ways, can lighten your load and help you reclaim time and energy after years of giving to others.
Putting It into Practice
The more you practice boundaries, the more freedom you create: freedom to laugh with the right friends, to start projects that matter, to protect your health, and to savor your days. That’s not selfish – it’s intentional.
That’s why I created a free guide: The Boundary Builder: Protect Your Joy in This New Chapter. It tackles the problem so many of us face – knowing we should set a boundary but freezing up when the moment comes. Inside, you’ll find a quiz to uncover your go-to style, scripts for tricky situations, and ways to practice saying no that feel authentic.
Download The Boundary Builder here.
Let’s Discuss:
What has worked for you in the past when you’ve set a boundary? What’s one boundary you’ve recently set, big or small, that created space for joy or connection?
