It began when I was driving home from teaching 3rd graders after a long day. I was about 38 years old. As a child, I must have had deep thoughts, with my nose always in a book, because I had resting “frownie” face. This cultivated deep furrows between my eyebrows, but they usually sprang back to a smooth forehead by bedtime.
Not that day, though.
No, on that day – after a grueling, sweaty shift at the whiteboard – I glanced at myself in my rearview mirror as I drove home. There they were: the dreaded frown lines, stubbornly etched like the gully erosion I had taught about that day. And those ridges weren’t going anywhere.
Bangs Beauty and Melted Face
On that day, I impulsively cut my bangs. What a cheap form of cosmetic surgery that was! (I know, I write about my bangs a lot.) They covered those pesky lines, but it was a temporary fix. My forehead’s smooth days were over, and I knew it was time to explore the bewildering world of beauty products beyond my trusty SPF 50 sunscreen.
Teaching in a school with no air conditioning meant any makeup I wore typically melted off by lunch. In my 30s though, my skin had this lovely, dewy glow that shone through even after my face had surrendered to the heat.
But after the Day of the Never-Ending Frown Lines, I realized maybe it was time for a more serious skincare regimen. Eventually, my school got air conditioning, but by then I was losing the battle of melted face because of hot flashes and more dreaded wrinkles that allowed the makeup to gather in the creases like a batik artwork.
Pink Eye Is No Joke
Armed with my first powerful eye cream, I returned to school feeling rejuvenated, only to have a third grader ask, “Do you have pink eye?” Ah, the honest brutality of children. My new miracle cream had given me a rash and red, watery eyes.
Eyeshadow Bruises
Once that disaster cleared up, I tried eyeshadow to perk up my face. A new and rather cheap palette of eyeshadows from Walgreens in shades of pink and purple seemed promising. Feeling fabulous, I strutted into class, when a concerned little face peered up at me and asked, “Did somebody punch you? Your eyes look bruised!”
Mascara Boogers
Determined not to be defeated, I moved on to a more fantastic mascara. Aiming for fresh and awake, I opted for some brand that cost more than my day’s salary that offered false eyelash length, but alas it was not waterproof or even water resistant.
By the end of the day, it clumped into the corners of my eyes, leading to comments like, “Why do you have black eye boogers?” from the same brutally honest little ones. I found a mascara with a name like CoverWoman LashBlast SuperDuper Outrageous Waterproof Mascara to take care of those end of work dark circles and black eye boogers. It takes a jackhammer to get it off, but I’m worth it.
Mascara for Eyebrows?
Undeterred, I decided my eyebrows needed attention. After turning 50, they’d started to thin from over-plucking – or were they just fading? Who knows? To this day I wonder if my eyebrow hair has just been relocating to my upper lip and chin.
I tried something called eyebrow mascara, but by noon, my brows looked like tiny caterpillar frass stuck to my face. “Your eyebrows look really strange,” my observant students noted.
Let’s Get Spendy
My mother, ever the supportive soul, bought me something called Frown Eze – stickers for my frown lines that smelled like 1960s elementary school paste. I couldn’t sleep with those things stuck to my face, and each morning I awoke with a sticky, red residue instead of a smooth forehead.
Next, I tried instant firming lotion – the kind that tightens wrinkles right before your eyes in those YouTube videos. But apparently, I used too much, and it became white, flaky crumbles under my eyes. “You have dried toothpaste under your eyes,” came the uninvited critique from a Little in my classroom.
Of course, I made a sarcastic make-up tutorial to help us all spend less money. I mentioned it in a previous article. I want to thank those of you who journeyed to my podcast channel to view it. The video went from 7 views to nearly 400 – older women hold the power! Of course, my hints to use Crayola Markers on the face will lead to many “unsubscribes.”
Finding What Works… for Me
Finally, I discovered an expensive self-tanner. Not the orange-hued QT of my grandma’s era, but a product that promised a natural glow. It worked, mostly. My third graders couldn’t find anything wrong with it, unless I put it on in a hurry and had a weird, dark streak that wouldn’t fade for 2 days.
And so, I’ve settled on this routine: a layer of expensive self-tanner, dry, sunscreen, dry, Bare Minerals to “paint by number” on my uneven skin, jackhammer mascara, and the occasional Crest White Strip for a dazzling smile.
I no longer teach, so if people think I look weird now, at least they’re polite enough not to say it out loud.
In the end, I realized that some days are just a total waste of makeup. I yo-yo between “growing old naturally,” and “fighting age with anything in my arsenal.” But hey, at least I’ve learned a thing or two about beauty products and the unfiltered honesty of children.
I avoid going into stores like Ulta or Sephora without a support animal (or my sister) because I always leave with something bizarre and expensive. And if you’re ever in need of a good laugh, just remember: there’s no problem a pair of scissors and a sense of humor can’t solve.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Did you ever have a day that was a total waste of makeup? Let’s not turn this conversation into a “crab fest,” so let’s keep it lighthearted. For example, did your hair color ever turn out a shocking shade you were not expecting? Did someone in your life ever comment on your makeup or fashion choices only to make you question all that money you spent on something new? Do you think we spend too much time and money trying to hang on to our youth?
